Re: Aging Parents « Reply #571 on Feb 29, 2012, 3:54pm »
Yes Kerouac, that will do it... It is strange that when someone is trying to be kind and nice to us, we can be annoyed. It relates to the frustration of having to be helped with everything every day and then frustrated that we were frustrated.
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #572 on Feb 29, 2012, 4:21pm »
Yes bjd, we have the same situation here in Canada. I know that it is one of life's most difficult occupations, having been in need of it and watch the professionals perform their jobs.
I salute and admire anyone who care for the elderly and disabled. My niece works in the field and tells me about the challenges she copes with and the ever changing hours and schedules. I understand it is very hard to retain staff under these conditions, it is just so unfortunate how it affects the patients.
The problem is that health care is a business like any other business, but when the product is an elderly or disabled person, I just wish they could find ways to help stabilize their routines better while still saving money and abiding by their budgets.
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #573 on Feb 29, 2012, 6:41pm »
i suppose the only way to stabilize it would be to make it less of a business and rather give more financial support to it, so people could be better paid, work less hours, etc. ... unfortunately, it looks like things are moving into the opposite direction though...
Yes Kerouac, that will do it... It is strange that when someone is trying to be kind and nice to us, we can be annoyed. It relates to the frustration of having to be helped with everything every day and then frustrated that we were frustrated.
Actually, the problem appears to be that some of the residents prefer the kind new person to the normal staff.
I find just about all of the normal staff to be quite kind as well, but they are obviously more "no nonsense" -- just like with 2-3 year old children -- and do not give in to every little whim or caprice.
Joined: Mar 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 235 Location: Michigan, USA
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #575 on Mar 4, 2012, 3:25pm »
bjd, yes I would feel there would be a shortage of workers. My mother's husband who died in December had 24 hour care in the home. There were a few changes in personel and this did have an effect on him. We were luck and most were great people.
My mother is still at home. She does not likie living alone and my sister and I are a little concerned for her safety. A few weeks ago we got her one of devices like a "LifeAlert". It is a button she carries with her and can push when there is an emergency. In the home there is a box connected to the phone and when the button is pushed a person comes on and asks how they can help. The speaker is very loud and can be easily heard. If there is not responce they call 911. They will also contact my sister and myself. We tested it and it works really well. If there is an interest, let me kmow and I will find the name of the company.
About two weeks ago my mother called because she could not turn off her oven. She has a reall peoblem with technology. She has one of those new fancy electronic ovens. She just can't handle it. She is forgetting things alot and has a difficult time concentrating on almost anything. She also worries about everything. She can still get around OK, but I don't think she really needs over a 2000 sq. ft. home with all it responsibilities. Last week I spent a hour at at very nice assisted care home for her. Now all we have to do is get here there. She is becoming a little more negative and really does not want to talk about any changes or improvement in her situation.
Joined: Feb 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 34,524 Location: Paris, France
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #576 on Mar 4, 2012, 3:42pm »
That is the classic reaction, and no amount of convincing will change her mind. Some children next resort to "bullying" but I never could have done that. As much as my mother hated the nursing home when the time came, I did have the advantage of having removed her from her house to live with me during all of the formalities I had to accomplish (after having changed countries, too -- but that is a problem that I don't think that any of the rest of you will face, thank god). Is there any possibility of you or your sister offering her a temporary "home" in the meantime? That would show her already how nice it is to have someone at your service for the cooking and cleaning (not nearly as nice for you, though) and wean her away from the house.
At least your mother still has the sense to call when she has problems with the oven. The oven could stay on "warm" for days at my parents' house. (They didn't have or want a microwave and heated up leftovers the old fashioned way.)
Joined: Mar 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 235 Location: Michigan, USA
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #577 on Mar 4, 2012, 5:42pm »
Thanks for your thoughts K2. My sister and I are getting closer to makeing the move for her. I think in a month or two. What I wouild like to do is do a "visit" to the home. They will allow from one night to a full month at no charge. I don't like the idea of one night, but more like a week or possibly two weeks. The place is really nice, she can have three meals a day at no extra charge, plus in her one bedroom apartment there is a very small kitchen with half refrigerator and Microwave. The cost per month I feel would be about the same as the home she has now and maybe even a little less. There would also be other people around her age to socalize with. Here is a link to the facility: http://www.holidaytouch.com/Our-Communities/glen-eagle.aspx I just looked at the activity schedule and they play bridge every day at 2 in the afternoon. Maybe I should move there.
Joined: Feb 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 34,524 Location: Paris, France
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #578 on Mar 4, 2012, 6:22pm »
It looks excellent. Naturally, another very important point is whether your mother is sociable or not. That is the killer in most cases, because people get moved to assisted living when they have passed the point of being in a condition to make new friends.
Joined: Mar 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 235 Location: Michigan, USA
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #580 on Mar 6, 2012, 8:45pm »
My mother is a sociable person and always has been. She has always labored over a decison, but now it has become much worse over almost any decision. I also agree it would be better to be lonely in a safe place, but I really don't feel once she got there she would not be lonely. I don't know if you looked at the link I gave above, but this is a very nice place. To tell you the truth, I would not have a problem living there now.
Joined: Feb 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 34,524 Location: Paris, France
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #581 on Mar 6, 2012, 9:17pm »
Just with my experience of looking after my grandmother for 8 years in a retirement (and then briefly a nursing) home and now with my mother in a nursing home 7 years running (and counting), even though I have seen quite a few distressing situations, I myself understand the reason to go into such a place as early as possible rather than as late as possible.
Joined: Feb 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 5,368 Location: Montana & Florida, USA
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #583 on Mar 9, 2012, 3:36pm »
So does she find anything enjoyable about life anymore, kerouac? Food, music, old TV shows or movies? Is there anything you can share to make visits less trying? I can't imagine having to goad oneself into visiting every day in such a situation. I am in admiration.
Joined: Feb 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 5,368 Location: Montana & Florida, USA
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #584 on Mar 9, 2012, 3:43pm »
On the Kimby parents front, this just in:
My sister called a couple nights ago to say that the cabin was on fire! She had taken them up for a couple nights, they'd had a fire in the fireplace/woodstove, and the chimney caught the roof on fire.
Maybe a squirrel had built a nest in there, since it's been getting used less than it used to. Or maybe forty years of wear and tear just took their toll. Or maybe Dad forgot to damp down the fire at bedtime. Whatever happened, the firefighters arrived and cut a big hole in the roof to stop the fire from spreading, so now my sister has to arrange contractors to repair the roof and clean up the smoke damage and fire extinguisher residue, and arrange for a new woodstove and chimney (that will probably only get used a few times before the cabin is sold -and probably torn down to put a trophy house in its place).
Fortunately Mom noticed the flames while the fire was still small, no one was hurt, and they weren't even too emotionally traumatized by the damage to their beloved cabin. It should all be fixed by the time we gather there in June to celebrate Dad's 90th birthday...
Re: Aging Parents « Reply #585 on Mar 9, 2012, 5:16pm »
Oh how awful Kimby! I am so sorry to hear of the damage however not too serious but bad enough! Does this mean checking out the fireplace before striking that match in the future?
Does this mean checking out the fireplace before striking that match in the future?
Maybe it just means putting a squirrel excluder on the new chimney.
I seriously doubt the new woodstove will get enough use to justify its purchase, but Dad is tired of getting up every few hours to re-stoke the old drafty fireplace, and wants one that will hold a fire overnight.
Mr. Kimby thought they should just pull it out, recarpet the floor where it stood, and use the electric heat for however many winter nights they'll be in residence in the future. But you gotta love Dad's optimism that he'll be around next winter, and able to go to the cabin and enjoy the new wood stove.
We sure won't be using it in June, the next time I'll be there.
My mother sometimes repeats things that she saw on the television screen up to half an hour after it appeared. By then, I have completely forgotten what was on the screen.
The other days, I was wheeling her around and she suddenly said, "Meet exceptional people fast."
By wracking my brain I was finally able to dredge up a commercial for an internet dating service.
The insights one gets into aging - and its impact on the mind - when watching a loved one spiral downward at the end of life are interesting, though horrifying. Is this what WE have to look forward to? Individual incidents ARE funny, though, in a grotesque way. I'm glad that K2 can see the humor. And glad that his mom still has him in her life.
Those of us who are childless (childfree), had better make good plans for our own death spiral.
On a lighter note. My parents are again at the cabin with my sister. The roof has been repaired, the wood stove is being replaced today and the cleanup is mostly completed. Should be ready for reunion time in June.
(I always feel a shudder of dread when I see that this thread has been updated, as it usually isn't good news...)
Your comments made me smile ( a lot!) Kerouac. My eldest grandson is a bit like that except he repeats everything you say just as you finish saying it
Well I am pleased that all your Anyporters posts have got me to my mother's prospective nursing home today! I mainly went to get a brochure and the Matron insisted on giving me a tour. They have different size rooms and the main thing is they do have frail care. I was a bit put out when we entered on old dears room and she asked me if I was thinking of moving there!!!! Look, I may be 67 but never in my life did I think I looked like I was remotely ready for "Shady Pines"!
That looks very nice, tod, and if the prices are at all in line with your local Chinese restaurant, I should send my mother there immediately.
I very much approve of retirement homes that provide full service, because when I was first looking for a place for my mother, I was hoping to get her into a municipal "service residence" -- these are independent studios with a kitchenette, but there is also a dining room when people do not want to cook or eat alone. I think that housekeeping and similar services could be added for a supplement, and of course a doctor and nurse were regularly available. Even though I knew that my mother's "independent" days were coming to an end, I did want her to feel a bit autonomous, which is why I tried for it -- on top of that, the nearest place to me was located on rue Caulaincourt, one of the nicest streets of Montmartre and only 3 metro stations from where I live.
However, I chatted with a resident while my mother was basically failing her cognitive tests with the doctor. The resident told me that they were "tested" every year and when they fail the test, they have to leave. (The test consisted of remembering the names of four animals and things like that.) So I immediately knew that even if my mother was accepted, she would be kicked out the following year.
When I met with the doctor afterwards, who told me that my mother had not qualified for a service residence, he did point out that "the other place" with full medical care was quite good in that residents can stay until their dying breath, even if they are bed ridden for 2 or 3 years. Not all nursing homes accept that, and they send the people to a geriatric hospital...
So I know that my mother will be there until the end, and it is both reassuring and convenient since it is so close to my apartment. (At the same time, when my mother got sent off to the geriatric hospital for basically 3 days of punishment after only 3 months in the nursing home for rebellion, violence and suicide threats, I thought that the geriatric hospital facilities were wonderful, and there was much more staff than at the nursing home...)
Meanwhile, I sent an email to my brother last night and mentioned in passing that I have already paid about $200,000 (of my mother's money) on the nursing home over the past 5 years, not counting clothes, hairdressers, restaurants, trips, snacks, extra medical coverage... It must be so incredibly difficult for a lot of families, and the nursing home has also received over this period another $100,000 in subsidies to complement the cost for my mother.
Those figures have me in shock Kerouac! For that money I could buy my mother's prospective home, lock stock and barrel. Roughly converting - it seems to amount to R32,000 a month!! Holy smoke
To give you a better idea of what it costs out here (You will convert please).
Units with bedroom, bathroom and lounge................................R11,550-00/R15,400-00 per month (depending on single or double occupancy)
Small single units with bathroom...............................................R9,300-00 (this would be my mother's)
The rooms are large by comparison to other 'homes' I have been to visiting my mother's old friends. The place is spotless with no hint of "smells" of the old age type. I would actually venture to say the accommodation is luxurious. The old Cape Dutch house is elevated and looks over to the next valley(some rooms and the enormous deck have this view). For the younger set there is a swimming pool but is is away from the main building - my mom wouldn't use it anyway.
What worries me the most about moving my mother of 91 (next month) is that she is completely compos mentis and will suffer mentally more than anything.
If your mother's mind is in good shape, she should be able to understand the various reasons why it is better for her to go there. (But of course she probably won't.) Try to present it as a new adventure and gently remind her that most people her age are already dead (this never shocks them because they have noticed it themselves).
My current monthly cheque is about 2,050€ for the nursing home. If I were poor, it would be free, but to get her into the place, I had to present financial statements for her children and grandchildren, who are obliged to contribute as per French law. For some reason, I (airline finance executive), my brother (electronic equipment company manager), and his two sons (immigration lawyer and manager of a Tiffany jewelry store) did not have low enough revenues to exempt us from contributing for payment. I am probably pretty lucky that my mother qualified for about 950€ of monthly assistance anyway.
When my father-in-law was in the private (Orpea) nursing home in Paris, the bill was 4200€/month. When he needed to go in, there was no space available in a public home. After several years, my sister-in-law applied to have him moved to a public home but by then his condition had worsened -- he was in a wheelchair -- so the public place said they couldn't accept him.
I find it a huge rip-off in those private places. For that money he was in a room about 10 sq metres and they didn't even do his laundry.
I had some friends who had a mother in an Orpéa place for that price. I helped to remove the personal effects after the mother's death, and I saw that it was no better than where my mother is now.
When I brought my mother to Paris, she was not at all eligible for a public place, because one must be a resident to Paris for 3 years to qualify. I wrote and I wrote again and I continued to write -- I think that I received about eight letters of refusal. However, I concentrated on the mayor of the 18th arrondissement where I live. He is a former Minister of the Interior and a very close friend of the mayor of Paris. He is the person who finally intervened to relax the rules and accept my mother.
Yesterday I received a surprise phone call from Mr. Kimby's parents' tax accountant. He didn't want tax info (though the records my FIL gave him this year were woefully inadequate and he is tracking down missing paperwork so that he can file for them by the April 15 deadline).
He was calling to ask if we knew what condition the folks were in and to say that something needs to be done. This accountant has a lot of elderly clients that he sees only once a year, and when he notices a downward spiral beginning, he tries to get in touch with family members to make sure the old folks don't fall through the cracks. Mr. Kimby's folks are NOT doing as well as they were last year.
Mighty nice of him to do this, and during the busy tax season, too. It was not news to us that they are failing, and we will try to fix things up a bit when we are there next month, but it's still discouraging that they are falling apart faster than we can fix things up.
Now both sets of parents are CTD. (Circling the drain.)
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