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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 21:56:43 GMT
Overweight Problem
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2013 12:58:48 GMT
Fascinate
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2013 13:01:42 GMT
Jimmy And Johnny
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Jimmy: "How did you get here?"
Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."
Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2013 3:49:21 GMT
Lottery Winner
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2013 3:50:45 GMT
A Day On The Bus
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2013 2:30:48 GMT
For the Birds
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
;D
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2013 19:48:19 GMT
I Cannot Tell A Lie...
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to punish the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2013 23:20:32 GMT
A Shocking Anniversary
A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"
The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and they make love like never before!
Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can remember."
The woman says, "Forty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2013 22:29:02 GMT
Dear John
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Judi xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2013 22:32:10 GMT
A Doctor And His Wife...
A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"
So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.....
So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....
So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"
The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2013 13:08:13 GMT
Special Trick
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2013 13:10:15 GMT
Before...
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2013 21:50:32 GMT
Getting WeighedJoe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2013 13:03:18 GMT
New Boyfriend
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...
A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the door.
The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?
My little one looked up at him and replied, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2013 18:17:10 GMT
Counting Sheep
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.
"You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2013 1:17:25 GMT
Wise Sayings
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." * Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." * Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." * Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday .night." * Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." * Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." * Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." * Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." * George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading." * Steve Jobs
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'" *Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." * Jack Nicholson
He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." * Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." * Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." * Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" * Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" * Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts *Jeff Foxworthy
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2013 15:46:47 GMT
Naked Man
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. Try standing on the dresser!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2014 14:48:08 GMT
Caller Question
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2014 14:49:25 GMT
Cold WaterJohn went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2014 13:28:35 GMT
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Post by mossie on Jan 23, 2014 19:26:49 GMT
Working For the Local Authority A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to4.00pm....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2014 0:25:27 GMT
hahaha... good one, mossie!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2014 15:42:24 GMT
God Bless
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died.The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Thought the father; "This kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2014 17:42:14 GMT
I'm late to read this one, but it's not bad!
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Post by mossie on Mar 10, 2014 17:38:57 GMT
SCHOOL TIME ENGLISH LESSONS
It must be a candidate for joke of the year, I nearly fell off my chair laughing
A Teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things. The first little boy said, "Alligator." "Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything." “Well, my mum's got one and she says it eats f***ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!
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Post by mossie on Mar 13, 2014 14:26:10 GMT
This one is so old I expect Noah told it
A woman went into a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."
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Post by htmb on Mar 15, 2014 16:43:39 GMT
Pretty funny, Mossie.
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Post by mossie on Mar 28, 2014 16:27:20 GMT
Well, here is one for old fashioned parents. Count me in, luckily it is so long ago that it doesn't mean anything.
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'
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Post by mossie on Apr 2, 2014 19:21:36 GMT
Well here is an ethnic and religious one. I hope I don't upset anyone.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."
"“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”"
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
"“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side.”
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2014 11:30:58 GMT
*groan*
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