Cheap ass Canadian made-for-TV movies

[Deleted]

These have become the scourge of the earth, just as in a previous decade we had a flurry of cheap ass Israeli made-for-TV movies.

These Canadian ones are about as bad as you can get. I have to watch one of them with my mother at the nursing home quite often on Saturday or Sunday afternoon, as they are stuck there to plug the empty hours when normal people do not watch TV.

They invariably take place on 1) an airplane, 2) the sewers of a small city, 3) a mountain.

Today we had the airplane version and today's threat was killer tropical ants. Sometimes it is noxious gas, maybe a terrorist, perhaps a fire that has broken out. The important thing is that 90% of the action takes place on the plane set with 4 main actors and 20 extras. No room for camera movement or anything that costs money. When a terrorist is not involved, the threat is always depicted by a stock shot of one of the air vents spewing fumes... or ants. Today we also got a toilet full of ants to get rid of the "annoying drunk" character, but that did not add much extra expense.

I think the sewer version of these movies is even cheaper, because it requires fewer extras (generally a fire truck and two police cars with a few people). The fire or the rats or the fumes are always at the end of a long tunnel, and the two heroes (always an unattached 30-ish man and woman) just spend all of their time walking around empty underground corridors at random. Although they carry a flashlight, the heroes don't really need it, because all of the underground areas are incredibly well lit with lightbulbs that clearly stay on 24 hours a day for year after year.

Anyway, Canada, please please stop making these movies.

[Deleted]

I have noticed over time that a lot of this trash is also Israelo-American.

Since I started this subject, I must have seen another 50 of these and they just keep getting worse and worse.

There was one concerning tornados + a nuclear power plant. Well, let me tell you that if one is to believe what I saw, American nuclear power plants operate with a staff of about 4 people, plus another 2 at the gate for security.

[Jazz]

Why do you waste your time watching them?

[Deleted]

Because I am trapped in my mother's nursing home for several hours, as I wrote in the OP. Shit, I have to watch Walker, Texas Ranger every Sunday the same way, and I think it is wonderful because it is easy to explain. "Those drug dealers look really nasty, but Walker will be here any minute."

My mother is interested in any fight scene, especially when women are slapping each other.

[frenchmystiquetour]

These movies sound great. I'd like to watch TV with your mother. Can I bring my collection of Godzilla cd's? I'll go though my collection and see if I can find one with women slapping each other but if that doesn't work will she settle for a women in prison movie?

[bixaorellana]

Since women, especially of your mother's generation, Kerouac, are expected never to be violent, I suspect your mother is enjoying the release of hostiity. I think another version of that is how people absolutely wallow in hating certain females on soap operas.

Hmmmmmm. A new, unsuspected side of FMT!

[Deleted]

Today's Canadian masterpiece is called "NYC: Tornado Terror." How about that for perfect timing? It didn't take long for the Statue of Liberty to get its arm torn off.

[bixaorellana]

Oooo ~~ sometimes one suspects those nice Canadians have a big ole chip on their collective shoulder about their brash neighbor to the south.

Now Miss Liberty only has a shoulder on one side.

hmmmm ~ speaking of chips, is there an undertone of sullenness in #6 because the poster couldn't make it to this event?

[lagatta]

That is more than a suspicion. That and hockey are about the only unifying factors between French and English speakers.

I have NEVER seen any of these crap movies. Do they also get quétaine (kitschy) Québécois téléromans?

[cristina]

I am trying very hard to understand the subject. Can someone expound, please? English/French/Spanish I can get. I also understand a parent under care.

I am trying to follow a train of thought here, I guess.

[bixaorellana]

I understand it.

That worries me.

[lagatta]

I really don't feel like expounding at length either about anglophone-francophone relations in Canada (not at all the only country with such rifts) or the equally complex subject about prevailing Canadian sentiments about the powerful neighbour to the south. Chip on shoulder, that would be accurate. But it certainly doesn't mean Canadians hate (US) Americans, or were anything but aghast about the September 11th terror attacks.

This thread is about tacky movies, after all, not intra or international relations.

[Deleted]

Frankly, I think it is a shame that these movies cannot have Canadian titles like the "Vancouver Volcano" or "The Great Winnipeg Tornado/Hurricane/Earthquake" -- in every disaster movie, only major American cities can be destroyed. Even the big budget movies just show toss off shots of Sydney/Paris/London melted or eaten.

It was a major treat about 30 years ago when the Japanese movie "The Submersion of Japan" showed that cataclysms are possible elsewhere on the globe.

[lagatta]

In Winnipeg, it would be a flood.

[frenchmystiquetour]

I love this thread. Bixa, I missed your earlier comment or I would have responded. I wasn't aware I was revealing an unknown side. Is that good or bad? Just to be clear, I happen to have a soft spot for really low budget, low quality B-grade movies. I hope you weren't misinterpreting my "women in prison" movie comment as an endorsement of sexism. I really don't own any dvd's of this type of movie. As a kid I loved all the cheesy 1950's-1960's sci-fi and monster movies and this appreciation doesn't seem to have dimmed with age, but rather, has lead to a whole new series of discoveries of unknown (for good reason) cheap-ass crappy movies.

[bixaorellana]

;D
You crack me up, FMT. Who guffawed over your (later edited) remark on the um, apology cake?

I find this thread, including its title, highly amusing, and found your answer about godzilla/bitch slapping/female incarceration to be be funny in the same tone.

Everyone of my comments, with the exception of attempting an explanation of why an elderly lady might be interested in fight scenes, was meant to be funny, or at least tongue-in-cheek.

[Jazz]

These movies are bad and boring. Usually about 10 minutes into one of them I can tell by the production values my immediate dismal fate, and switch it off.

But I think a more accurate title for the OP would be Cheap ass TV movies made in Canada. 98% of these are financed by foreign money, usually American production. Historically, it’s cheaper to produce here (the US dollar is usually higher than the Canadian). This also explains why the subjects are US cities and not Canadian. They were never intended to be ‘Canadian movies’, but cheap American films with fake locations. Location managers have lists of the dullest, no-name areas and buildings of a given city which in no way reflects the unique character and texture of this city. This appears to satisfy the non-Canadian producers.

I don't consider these films part of the Canadian film industry.

[Deleted]

But a lot of the expensive American movies are filmed in Canada, too.

[frenchmystiquetour]

Bixa - I should know better than to have to ask you if I've crossed a line by now. From here on I won't be so self conscious about potentially offending you, I promise. Anyone who can use the words "bitch slapping" and "female incarceration" in the same sentence obviously has a good enough sense of humor to understand a joke.

Jazz - I bet I've watched quite a few "Cheap ass movies made in Canada" without even being aware of the film locale . These movies are indeed bad but never boring and I submit myself willingly to the dismal fate they hold in store for me with great relish. Low production value can sometimes equal high entertainment value in my world. You're as likely to find me pondering the mysteries of the cosmos as you are to find me trolling the depths of the sewer. I admit it, I enjoy a train wreck.

[Deleted]

I've been trying to hold my tongue on this subject, but in recent weeks, I have been obliged to watch a number of these horrible things as the cheap cable channels run out of acceptable TV series and have to show this stuff instead. (I will remind you that this happens to me on weekends while my mother stares at me at the nursing home and I try to watch television while staring back at her as often as possible.)

Every Saturday and Sunday, I have to see these cheap-ass tornados, hurricanes and earthquakes destroying the most boring little towns in the world while the troubled teens and the estranged spouses work out their problems.

Today's horror was something called 'Tornado Warning' and here is the synopsis from IMDB:

A scientist (Gerald McRaney) perfects a tornado-warning system and tries to convince residents of a nearby town that a deadly twister is approaching.

Here is a delightful user review:

i wish i could say this is a good movie.but i would be lying.it isn't that it's awful,though it comes dangerously close at times.most of the acting is pretty bad,even for made for TV standards.much of the acting is either overacting ,depending on the person.Joan Van Rark sinks to a new low in her role as the dip sh$t mayor of the small town in the path of a tornado.the dialogue she is given is laughable and her delivery is sad,to be polite.the really isn't much tension developed,considering the subject matter.there are some shots of cgi which are painfully obvious and at one point it looks like stock footage was used for on of the tornadoes.also,none of the characters are very developed,and from what we are shown,most are idiotic and unlikable.and finally,let me say that that if the majority of the human race was as dumb as these twits,we would not be around today.this film rates a 2/10 only because it's not as bad as Evil dead 2,Slither,or Lawnmower Man 2.

And here is the bit of dead giveaway trivia:

"Smoke'n Bob's" Hot Dog cart, seen in one of the town scenes, is a dead giveaway for the Winnipeg shooting location. Also recognizable: the Garry Theatre.

I see that the movie I might have to watch tomorrow is called "Ground Zero" (French title "Séisme Imminent")

The most concise review says this:

Not even worth wasting a cold wet London afternoon for. The action shots are the worst I have ever seen, the acting beyond cornball. As for the plot, there was a plot?? I have seen better creations in a kindergarten class with much more intelligence given to the end result. No, I didn't like it

The longer one says this:

California Quake: 2/10: What is great about California Quake? Well the helicopter has a cool Planet of the Apes net and Janet Gunn does look awfully nice in a wet T-shirt. Unfortunately that's it.

But surely even the worst earthquake footage of crumbling buildings is fun to watch? This is true alas there are no crumbling buildings in California Quake. Actually there are virtually no buildings at all. You see the title is a bit of a bait and switch job (even the original title Ground Zero was a bit misleading). This is not a disaster movie. This is Die Hard in the woods.

Janet Gunn and her son are in the Los Angeles forest investigating a series of mysterious quakes. (She separated from her husband due to a rather badly handled drunk driving subplot) Jack Scalia parachutes in and informs them an Evil Corporation is testing nuclear weapons underground. Two is added to two and Janet and Jack realize that the nukes are causing the earthquakes. "Are you saying the ground shakes because of the (nuclear) explosions?" Jack Scalia's character incredulously asks.

The Evil Corporation hires some very misplaced stock actors to silence Jack, Janet and Janet's son. The main bad guy is a third rate Larry Drake. (Drake was mentally challenged Benny from LA Law and was the villain in Darkman. Apparently he was too busy filming the TV movie Runaway Virus so they had to hire a double.)

Now I've seen actors copy De Niro or Pacino or Nicholson but Drake? His henchmen include the cold businesswoman, a Klaus Kinski imitator, and some people apparently randomly chosen from a bar. The extra henchmen don't even look right (Urban Camouflage? In the woods? In 1999?)

Are they as unconvincing as the bicycle hat wearing SEALs of Chupacabra Terror? Well no. But awfully close. Certainly they are as incompetent.

For example there is one building in the woods and after being chased by bad guys for a day or so Janet and Jack go back to the cabin to talk about feelings and grab a shower it never occurred to the bad guys to, oh I don't know, leave someone there.

So no earthquakes bad villains and a Janet Gunn wet t-shirt contest. Needless to say skip this one (As if starring Jack Scalia isn't enough of a clue.)

What I don't understand is how even the poorest television channels can buy this stuff. I have more respect for the channels that show the same old (quality) series over and over again a hundred times than the ones that show this crap.

No offense to the Canadians, of course. They are the victims of these bargain basement film shoots just like everybody else.

[Deleted]

Well, those films were shot in Canada because Canada gave them advantageous tax breaks and accessible locations. They were made and financed by Americans looking to create cheap fodder for the masses; Canadians supplied the crews and the bit-part actors. The era of cheap-ass Canadian made-for-TV movies is drawing to a close, however, as the economic incentives have all but disappeared. Many lament the loss, but not I.

Signed,
A former industry worker

[Deleted]

Yes, I know it's not the "fault" of Canadians that these movies exist but I am still appalled by the number of erupting volcanoes, unexpected superstorms and meteorites that can fall on Canada and how many corrupt mayors take no preventive action during the town festival. ;D

[Deleted]

We are a beleaguered nation, I'll give you that .

[Deleted]

Oh, I don't know how much longer I will survive if I keep watching this stuff, although it does have the charm of being increasingly unbelievable as the years go by.

Today I saw "Metal Tornado"

Helios World Inc. aims to solve the world's energy crisis by gathering and transmitting energy from solar flares. Despite warnings of a design flaw from the developing scientist, company head Jonathan Kane pushes the project forward and unknowingly unleashes a free-ranging and self-perpetuating magnetic vortex. Only Michael Edwards, a leading scientist on the company team, thinks something might be amiss when a sizable portion of their harvested energy simply disappears. The general area thereafter discovers itself endangered by a roving and unprecedented problem growing rapidly in strength - unique, unpredictable and potentially unstoppable. As if this isn't bad enough, the Paris branch of Helios World is set to run the same flawed program and thereby birth a second voracious monster in Europe.

Well, even though Paris only had about a grand total of 3 minutes of screen time in the film, it was completely destroyed, as you can imagine what a metal tornado does when it meets the Eiffel Tower.

The has-been in charge of saving the world in this one is Lou Diamond Phillips.

filmed in lovely Ottawa


If that weren't bad enough, I went right on to "Meltdown."

Despite scientist Nathan's warnings, his boss continues an experiment meant as publicity for his satellite firm: exploding an asteroid. Instead it splits, and the major piece, the size of Iceland, changes course to earth. It is deflected but so close that it shift our course closer to the sun, causing rapid extreme heating, hopefully only mid-term. Nathan warns his sister, TV journalist Carly, and she her lover, police detective Tom. He brings his unruly daughter Kim, her ex-con lover C.J. and her mother, nurse Bonnie, when Nathan offers a flight to a friend's Arctic weather station. Tom takes charge of a dangerous trip to the airport, as everywhere on earth things catch fire and people fight for water, transport and sheer looting.

The has-been in this one is Casper Van Dien. He doesn't save the world, just his little group of people, because we have learned along the way that to restore the balance of the solar system, the other planets, etc., just might pull Earth back to the correct orbit. We will automatically know this if it rains, because it is too hot to rain as long as the orbit is wrong. (Try to analyze the science in this!)

filmed in beautiful West Vancouver

[lagatta]

Rob Ford, the INCREDIBLE HULK on a rampage!!!

[htmb]

Dang, Kerouac, I'd think watching that stuff would make you feel even worse.

[Deleted]

It looks like today I might have to watch "The End of the World" at the nursing home, featuring has-been Brad Dourif and filmed in magnificent Squamish.

[Deleted]

I have been seeing bits and pieces of so many more of these masterpieces (impossible to watch the whole thing) at the nursing home and some of the el cheapo cable channels seem to have theme days where things like "Ice Apocalypse" are followed by "Blizzard from Hell" and "Freeze Disaster," unless it is meteorite day or volcano day or tornado day. All of these movies are of course interchangeable. Disaster relief for the whole county is operated by a grand total of maybe 3 people, including a divorced couple. They always have teenage children who have gone to exactly the wrong places. Meteors or lava bombs always fall where they will do the most damage (or at least the most damage that the cheap ass special effects can devise). Even the smallest cities have absolutely huge sewer or some other kind of underground tunnel system which is brightly lit at all times and permit long boring periods of running away from flood waters, gas explosions or whatever, maybe some lava, with almost no money spent on the film budget.

I've said all this before, I know, but recently I have been discovering a new form of Canadian horror -- TV Christmas movies! Today I was subjected to something called something along the lines of "A Dog for Christmas." Semi-orphaned boy is staying with his grandparents because the mother has gone to be closer to the daughter in college. Why? Because it is too painful to stay in the town where her husband died. The dog is taken in because the owner is in jail, and guess what? The owner used to be the father's best friend before he went wrong. Meanwhile, the boy, not quite a teenager yet, is obliged to 1) get up at 4:30 to milk the cows whenever his grandfather is on duty with the local snowplow 2) run the snowplow himself when the grandfather becomes seriously ill. A big storm is on the way of course. The best thing about this kind of movie is that even if you have to go and pee 16 times, there is no way you can lose the plot. Obviously there will be an awful snowplow incident, but hey, the dog will save the day. And within about 15 minutes, Christmas has arrived, the previously jailed man has become perfect, the grandfather has become well and the mother has returned, having gotten over her aversion to her hometown. And there are puppies!

www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sick/smileys-vomiting.gif

[Deleted]

Oh, you grinch.