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Post by mich64 on Oct 10, 2010 18:58:36 GMT
I have just finished all 4 pages and I admire the strength and caring that Kimby and Kerouac have expressed in their posts and the support the members have provided. You will be thought of daily and added to my prayers at night. Bravo for the love and care you give unconditionally. My niece is one of those care givers at a seniors home. We call her "the cruise director". She spends her day making sure everyone that can is engaged in all kinds of activities that she arranges. The ones that cannot, she reads too or just sit and talks too. She is a remarkable young lady. Ashley even stops in when she is not working to check in on some who do not have family close. Last summer when she took her vacation, she came to look after me. I love her so much! Mr. Mich and I were unable to have any children and we have often talked about what we will do when we get to that age. As Kerouac found out, unfortunately, having children does not guarantee that they will care for you (brother who has to be dragged into helping out) but at the same time, wonder what will happen to us. I know I am not alone here in that thought. We got an invitation from our local Funeral Home to come to an information session and dinner in the mail the other day. Practical yes, but for us not being 50 yet it was an unexpected invitation. Cheers, hugs and best wishes to you all.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2010 20:17:42 GMT
My mother can be so infuriating! Yesterday she could hardly walk although I needed her to (beauty parlor, restaurant) -- I was dripping with sweat from the effort of prodding her along. Can I take her out with her walker? Of course not! "I don't need that!" I was thinking, "this is the end -- we won't being going out anymore if she can't walk -- this is part of the next and final stage." And today, when I took her for a ride (I have to try and get my money's worth out of the rental car, even though the rental + fuel + hairdresser + restaurant always makes me think, every 2 weeks or so, "this is the $250 hairdo" even if the hairdresser only gets $25.), she walked just fine, no hesitation, no dragging feet. It is totally unpredictable. Sometimes I get lucky, sometimes not. I appreciate your thoughts, mich64. I wonder myself what will happen to me in the end, as a childless person, but at least I know the routine, including the color codes for all of the categories of diapers and the limited availability of the orderlies, in spite of their good will. And even the very best favorite ones sometimes get sick or go on vacation... not to mention all of the comp time they have due to their shitty hours.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 11, 2010 13:29:39 GMT
Mr. Kimby and I CHOSE not to have children, so we will be in the same boat as you mich64. My sister has one daughter, now 18 and a college freshman, and her mother told her (only half-jokingly) that she was going to have to take care of her aging parents and both childless aunts. I was horrified that she would say that, even jokingly. If my niece wants to come visit me in the old folks home, that's OK, but no way would I want her to feel obligated to take care of us old farts who didn't produce our own caregivers!
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Post by mich64 on Oct 11, 2010 14:55:32 GMT
Hi Kimby, we as well do not wish to make our many many nieces, nephews and Godchildren to feel they have to care for us either.
It is funny when they jokingly offer sometimes though. Our Goddaughters also have two aunts that are unmarried and without children and they joke that they will start looking for volume discounts and perhaps a floor of a nursing home to keep us all together. They also say this would make it easier on them to visit us all in the same place (their parents included). The group of us are very good friends and maybe it is something we as a group should look at for planning our aging years.
Kerouac, my darling niece is a gem in her profession, when she does take vacation and when she comes back, many times those who are outside start cheering, smiling and laughing and try to race each other back inside to let everyone else know that she is back.
I think here in Canada the staffs might have different working conditions that made you wonder why you hear that the care is different. Most positions are unionized, the staff are educated in the profession and the care facilities are monitored by government agencies.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2010 21:12:07 GMT
After losing the pendant on her necklace a couple of weeks ago, my mother lost her necklace some time since yesterday. The employees are furious with me since I let her continue to wear the necklace, even though everybody told me that I should take it away, since the clasp was not very good. I did not want my mother to be deprived of a normal item, so I completely accept resposibility. I will look for a new necklace soon, even though everybody seems to think that that residents should have everything that made them a normal human removed. I will continue to resist.
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Post by mich64 on Oct 17, 2010 21:41:59 GMT
Good for You Kerouac!!! You do whatever YOU want to do for YOUR mother as it is none of the staff's business. You are the only one that would know what your mother would or would not like. Your mother raised a boy into a wonderful man. It is nice you still have each other. YES TO THE RESISTANCE!
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Post by tod2 on Oct 18, 2010 5:31:27 GMT
Having just read this entire thread from the beginning I feel a deep sense of admiration for all of you. At the same time I am feeling incredibly lucky ( for the time being at any rate) as since my father's passing some 7 years ago, my mother has continued to live alone in their house with only a dog for company. Last week she had to have her dog put to sleep as it developed an incurable skin disease. Rather than mope and mourn the loss of her dear doggie, she cried a bit on returning home without Shelley, but since has told me she is relieved not to have the constant responsibilty of feeding and grooming etc. 'I feel so free' she told me. Living alone you would think it was at least company and someone to talk to, but there we go - making assumptions again!
My mother is 89. She still drives herself to the supermarket, hairdresser and to church every Sunday. Admittedly these places are all within 2 km of her home. I refuse to let her drive across town any longer to my house and always fetch her for long distance trips. Like today - she has an appointment with the chiropidist to have her toenails clipped and so he can look at her bunions which have flared up again. My mother still cooks all her meals but comes to my home every Sunday for lunch or we all go out to a restaurant and a little country drive. I do have a sister in Cape Town and once or twice a year she flies down to see all the family there - This Thursday I will be taking her to the airport and fetching her in a weeks time. Because of the distance the responsibility of seeing that my mother is OK and dealing with any little emergencies - like when she couldn't find the key to the lock on the security gate in her hallway because she thinks she must have flushed it down the toilet accidently, and was locked into her bedroom section of the house - or when the front door sticks and cannot close properly, etc. etc., all falls upon my shoulders.
But what of the future......my mother can't stay alone forever, but at the moment I am determined she must have as much freedom as is practically possible.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 18, 2010 16:15:11 GMT
You are lucky, tod, that your Mom is doing so well. She seems to have a resiliant nature.
A major part of my concern is that there are no guarantees and no windows into the future. I don't WANT to clip my parents' wings by my efforts to make them safe.
For example: maybe they ARE okay driving at 87 and 88 (though Dad has yet to drive since his hospitalization). But if they aren't, they could die in their car. Or worse, kill or maim someone else.
They seem OK, but the Occupational Therapist worries about their lack of safety awareness. (And my sister reports that Dad was driving his skid-loader this weekend, but fortunately he still remembers that you have to BACK it up steep hills or it may roll over!)
I hope that in 7 years I can look back and say that I did the right thing not interfering. But it's just as possible that in 7 months I'll be regretting that I didn't fuss more now....
For me, the uncertainty is the worst. It's a story that's still being written and I can't page forward to see how the story ends. That kills me.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2010 11:19:00 GMT
My mother fell down yesterday and smashed her face. That's one of those things that old people tend to do unexpectedly. I'm back from the office because I promised that I would accompany her for x-rays this afternoon, even though everybody is 99% certain that nothing is broken. I have to leave for the nursing home in about 5 minutes.
What really got me was that when I showed up yesterday after the accident, my mother was jovial and the most talkative I have seen her in about a year. The fall knocked around her brain cells and some of them started up again, at least temporarily.
Of course, what she told me was totally delerious and a lot of the sentences were not finished. It was as though everything that had flashed in front of her on the television that afternoon had gone into a mixer and she had made up a story from all sorts of bits and pieces, including a game show.
I didn't mind, because it's good to hear your mother's voice when you don't hear her say much anymore.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 22, 2010 13:39:20 GMT
K2, I am wondering how one goes about accepting and adapting to the present reality of a changed parent while still keeping alive in your mind the more vital, intelligent, sociable person she used to be? Does the new version push aside your memories of how she used to be, or is there room for both moms to co-exist in your mind?
Sorry to hear about your Mom's fall.
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Post by tod2 on Oct 22, 2010 14:31:53 GMT
I am very sorry to hear about your mother's fall Kerouac. Does she object to walking with a cane? My mother is terrified of falling because she knows if she breaks her hip, which seems to be the most frequent injury old people suffer from, it will be the end of her. I think the inability to move after that causes the lungs to become susceptible to pneumonia. I am so glad nothing was broken - was it just a freak accident?
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Post by mickthecactus on Oct 22, 2010 14:44:24 GMT
K2, so sorry to hear. Hope your Mum is Ok.
My Mum In Law did that a few times but mainly because she slightly over-indulged........
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Post by mich64 on Oct 22, 2010 15:58:16 GMT
Hi Kerouac, very sorry to hear of your mother's fall. Did you happen to notice if she had any bruises or marks on her hands or arms? I only ask this because if she has no other injuries except to her face, it is possible she fainted. That can mean quite different reasons for the fall. While a fall is common for her age and condition, does she have a history of fainting? She could be low on a certain vitamin or her potassium might not be at a correct level. I am glad you got to hear her speaking, I am sure her voice comforts you.
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Post by bjd on Oct 22, 2010 16:16:35 GMT
I am very sorry to hear about your mother's fall Kerouac. Does she object to walking with a cane? My mother is terrified of falling because she knows if she breaks her hip, which seems to be the most frequent injury old people suffer from, it will be the end of her. I think the inability to move after that causes the lungs to become susceptible to pneumonia. I am so glad nothing was broken - was it just a freak accident? Tod2, if it makes you feel any better, my husband's grandmother fell and broke her hip when she was 97 or 98. She learned to walk again, although it's true she used a walker. Died at 100. One tough old lady though. It's just to tell you it's not always the case that they can't move afterwards.
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Post by Jazz on Oct 22, 2010 19:04:32 GMT
YES TO THE RESISTANCE" ;D YES! Kerouac, I agree that your mother should not be deprived of a simple item that makes her happy and you know more than anyone what she loves. When you buy her another necklace, maybe you could get one with a secure clasp. Or, simply buy one with a chain (no clasp) that slips on and off. Just get a heavier chain that will not break as easily in case she impatiently rips it off. I’m so sorry to hear that she fell, but it’s good that she didn’t break anything. For a little while, you can take her on the drives and skip the hairdresser, she seems to love the drives most of all. While she’s recovering, it won’t take much to help her with her walker into the restaurants. All of her pent up energy will no doubt lead to intriguing moments, given that she seems to be vital and unpredictable.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2010 19:23:36 GMT
Well, I thought I was in for about an hour round trip to the local x-ray clinic, but as is often the case, my mother seemed much worse on the second day. So the nursing home doctor decided on a scanner and full hospital check-up.
So now I have returned from 6 and a half hours of that ambience. They wouldn't let me say with her after the first 3 hours, so of course I found her tied to the bed with plastic restraints when the ambulance came for the return trip. That makes my blood boil! I know they can't be there to watch her all the time, but they could have let me stay at her side to keep her calm and distracted.
They found absolutely nothing wrong with her other than her black eye, puffy cheek and abrasions and bruises on her hand.
They doped her up on something, because when we finally got back and a dinner tray was brought, she was missing her mouth completely with the soup spoon and had to be fed. That is not normal at all for her.
I'll see how she is tomorrow, of course. Naturally the rental car and the hairdresser are cancelled for this weekend.
Thanks for your thoughts.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2010 19:29:03 GMT
K2, I am wondering how one goes about accepting and adapting to the present reality of a changed parent while still keeping alive in your mind the more vital, intelligent, sociable person she used to be? Does the new version push aside your memories of how she used to be, or is there room for both moms to co-exist in your mind? Kimby, I have vivid memories of my mother at all phases of her life. I remember when I was not yet in school and she would read stories to me from a multi-volume set of books called "The Children's Hour." I remember how she looked in her strict 'business' suit driving us to school before going to the high school to teach her classes. I remember taking her and my father to Phuket for our best vacation ever and all of the laughs we had over gins & tonic. I remember when she started slowing down and my father and I would sit up and talk about it after she had gone to bed. And I'm sure that I will remember vividly the last time she ever looks into my eyes.
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Post by Jazz on Oct 22, 2010 20:20:03 GMT
The way they treated your mother sounds cruel and lazy. While I understand that perhaps they are overworked, if she has a black eye, puffy cheek, and abrasions and bruises…why the restraints? I don’t understand why they wouldn’t permit you to stay with her. I cannot imagine how I would have felt to see my mother in restraints. Enraged and sad, I think. Your situation with your mom is complex and needs great patience, which you have. Thank god that she has you there to protect her and love her. Many old people are so alone and vulnerable. We all need to be taken care of, but especially when we are older.
Whenever I think of my mother (every day for 15 years), it is like a documentary of her life flashes through me, every part of her life from my earliest memories to the last night. Some days certain images are clear and acute, and seem to relate to what is going on in my life at that time. I derive energy from this. In one sense, my mother has never left me and never will.
Your special relationship is the only important thing. While she’s healing, perhaps go and find her a necklace. She will love it. Maybe take some personal time and do something that makes you feel good. This will strengthen and relax you and, ultimately, help your mother.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2010 21:21:27 GMT
Hôpital Bichat is a university hospital about to be torn down and replaced. It is an old building from the 1970's, no longer adapted to modern medicine. We waited for ages in the scanner and x-ray zone, because they were waiting for a neck brace to be delivered from the emergency room, knowing she wouldn't hold still. My mother saw the "sortie" sign, and that's where she wanted to go. I calmed her down temporarily with a KitKat bar from the vending machine.
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Post by tod2 on Oct 23, 2010 7:13:58 GMT
Kerouac - old hospital maybe, but it puts our teaching hospitals to utter shame. The floors looks spotless and everything looks neat and tidy. I also didn't notice any rats or feral cats chasing them! Yes, that scene is found in hospitals here Things are bad...very very bad. An anaethetist (who has now resigend after 14 years ) told me it was not unusual to go into the operating theatre only to find the sterilizing machine - of which they once had half a dozen machines - had broken down and there were no sterilized instruments. She had to wait while an ambulance went off to another hospital to bring back instruments. I hope your mother is improving steadily. It may have been the shock of the fall that stimulated her nervous system and therefore her brain seemed more active, maybe, I'm only guessing. I'm sure you gave them some words of dismay at finding her all tied up! Fancy using plastic restraints - usually they are made of soft bandaging. Haven't you recently moved her to a new nursing home? bjd - Thats is good news about someone very old recovering from a hip fracture! It gives me hope should something like that happen to my mother.
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Post by bjd on Oct 23, 2010 9:32:22 GMT
Your mother looks as though she is about to leap off the stretcher and go out the door, Kerouac.
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Post by tod2 on Oct 23, 2010 10:37:10 GMT
Did you get any strange looks when the doctors and nurses saw your camera ?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2010 11:03:20 GMT
I only used my camera when there were no witnesses.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2010 11:12:26 GMT
Kerouac - old hospital maybe, but it puts our teaching hospitals to utter shame. The floors looks spotless and everything looks neat and tidy. I also didn't notice any rats or feral cats chasing them! Yes, that scene is found in hospitals here Haven't you recently moved her to a new nursing home? Yes, I know that the hospital is not "complaint worthy," but it is never nice to see wires hanging from the ceiling and missing light fixtures. And in one area, even my mother (since she was lying down looking at the ceiling) commented on the flaking paint. But they won't really be doing any upkeep until it closes in 3 years or so. One of the articles about said "it still has mostly rooms with two beds" as though that were horribly shocking. No, my mother hasn't changed nursing homes, and she won't. It is considered one of the worst things you can possibly do when a person reaches a certain point in life. Unless you want to finish the person off, of course. Just about to pop over and see how she is. Today I'm bringing the nail clippers.
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Post by mich64 on Oct 23, 2010 15:11:23 GMT
Thinking of you and your mom today... Hoping you have a good visit.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2010 18:25:50 GMT
She is definitely diminished at the moment, but she was happy to eat her ice cream, even if I had to prevent her from eating it with her fingers. Then I decreed that she needed to lie down. She instantly fell into a deep sleep, so I left earlier than usual.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2010 19:01:18 GMT
So, as I wrote in 'Second Opinions' my mother was hospitalized yesterday in quite pitiful condition -- basically almost comatose, which was inexplicable after the test results on Friday, which showed no problem. As requested, I called the doctor at 10pm last night and he said that she was being kept in the emergency room hospitalization ward for the night while they tried to find a space in the geriatric ward -- and to call again after 11am today. Well, they weren't kidding because when I called at 10:50, all I was told was that she was still in the same place. "Call later for the doctor's report." So at 11:30, I talked to the doctor who said she was considerably better, talking and eating and aware of where she was. Visits possible starting at 13:30. And indeed, when I arrived at 13:40 there she was, holding her arms out to me and happy to see me. I confess that I only stayed for 3 hours, since she slept quite a bit, but she also peeled and ate a tangerine that I brought, ate a mini Snickers (I did notice that the peanuts are a complication for her now with so few teeth left -- I will only bring mini Mars in the future.), and drank two full glasses of water when I managed to get some water for her. She had clearly had a coughing fit earlier and they had brought some foul jellified H²O 'orange flavored' instead (it looked so bad I had to taste it myself - yuck!) because they decided she couldn't drink normally. Idiots! She was dying of thirst. I don't understand why hospitals never ask simple questions of the family members regarding such subjects. At the nursing home, everybody knows that my mother is the biggest drinker in the entire place and can drain three glasses in a row when she is thirsty while those other withered people take tiny sips and finish a glass of water in two hours. I fill her refrigerator with miniature cans of Coke, orange juice and apple juice, and sometimes five or six of them disappear in one day. Grrrrr, and the hospital giving her nothing to drink! Anyway, apart from that, I felt as though she had received the royal suite in the emergency area, because she had her own room, unlike most of the other people, and it was at the end of the corridor, so that she could watch all of the activity of the people and families running back and forth through her open door. I don't know how long they are going to want to keep her, but I hope they don't find a different room for her -- this one is excellent! And what a nice feeling to never worry about the cost -- she has complete coverage for everything.
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Post by mich64 on Oct 25, 2010 19:45:49 GMT
Happy to read that your mom is better and you are more at ease with her surroundings for the present. Glad to read she greeted you with outstretched arms and a smile, nothing in the world is worth more than that. Cheers.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 25, 2010 20:55:09 GMT
Of course - obviously - the hospital staff should listen to family members. And equally certain they are too overextended to take the time to do it. Care suffers as a result. Hopefully your Mom will be released soon, back to a more familiar setting. Hospitalization does strange things to an old person's mind, especially when cognition is diminished. When my Dad was in the hospital, I kept thinking that if any of the nurses, doctors, social workers, occupational therapists, physical therapists, etc., had seen him even a week earlier they would not have recognized him. In January he skied 4 days in Colorado (and drove straight through from Wisconsin, about 24 hours on the road), in March he and Mom flew to California and spent a week with my sister, in June he was piloting his boat, the week before the hospitalization he drove to my sister's place in Chicago suburbs and attended a family reunion (at the Otis Farm Audubon Sanctuary. see anyportinastorm.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=usa&action=display&thread=3518 . The frail old scared man in the hospital was not my Dad. At least not yet. The pneumonia (if that's what it was) and the hospitalization combined to turn him into a mere shadow of himself. Fortunately, he has largely come back since being released, though there's little doubt that he will eventually become that frail old man again. Meanwhile, he's living his life as best he can, and his daughters are trying to keep him safe without stepping on his liberty too much. Hopefully your Mom will come around too, kerouac. Re: costs. Though Medicare was paying for all his tests and therapies, etc., Dad was sure he was being kept there because the hospital needed money so was running every test in the book to drum up some income.
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Post by tod2 on Oct 26, 2010 5:11:08 GMT
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