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Post by lugg on Jul 9, 2019 19:14:04 GMT
Hugs Mich , so tough for you all. Hope you find time to look after yourself a little in the midst of all you are dealing with.
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Post by kerouac2 on Jul 9, 2019 19:34:04 GMT
Hospitals are always a source of incredible trauma, but I think it is even worse for the family than the patient. The patient at least knows, even when they are in denial, that everything possible is being done to get them better. But the family remains in total doubt, not really knowing what is going on and if the hospital staff are being totally honest.
I hope that this is a relatively minor problem, mich, but I feel that quite a few stressful days are still ahead.
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Post by mossie on Jul 9, 2019 19:36:47 GMT
Commiserations Mich. Be optimistic
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Post by mich64 on Jul 9, 2019 23:21:24 GMT
I am going to try really hard to stay optimistic. Thank you Mossie.
Between my sister, brother, father and myself, we all spent time throughout today with her. She had a bad night and they are having a difficult time with a tube they are trying to insert through her nose. She said d the surgeon was in to see her early this morning but she can not remember all that he had to say. We think they are going to do some explorative surgery and they must be waiting for some operating room availability as they have her on a very limited diet. Will see what happens tomorrow. She was more accepting of having to remain due to her bad night. Thank you for the support and kindness.
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Post by bixaorellana on Jul 10, 2019 0:43:04 GMT
Well, it's good to hear that your mother is more accepting of having to be in the hospital, but I am so sorry that she had such a bad night & is having to go through that torment with the tube. It's very thoughtful of you to take the time to tell us what is happening, so thank you Mich. And as Lugg said, do take care of yourself, too.
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Post by bjd on Jul 10, 2019 6:32:54 GMT
Yes, good luck Mich. I hope it all comes well in the end.
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Post by whatagain on Jul 10, 2019 7:22:13 GMT
Good luck.
I remember being under oxygen in er and having air directly in the nose was driving me crazy. i know it was the least of my problems then but it was immediate disconfort.
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Post by kerouac2 on Jul 10, 2019 11:21:56 GMT
Me too. I guess it is a precaution because I wasn't having the slightest trouble breathing. However, I saw my grandmother with a feeding tube in her nose, and I thought it was awful. I asked "how do you know when you can take it out?" and the reply was "they usually just pull it out themselves." I presume that means that if you are lucid enough to realise that you have something horrible in your nostril and want to get rid of it, it means that you are well enough to start eating again.  |
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Post by Kimby on Jul 11, 2019 1:57:14 GMT
I ran into a friend who had moved her aging widowed mother to our town to be near her and help her. Though she was settled into an assisted living apartment, she soon developed signs of Alzheimer’s, and before long, the facility refused to keep her. Friend moved Mom to a room in a memory care unit, but her Mom’s condition worsened rapidly to the point where the facility insisted daughter hire a 24-hour live-in caretaker, which more than doubled the rate Mom was blowing through her nest egg. Daughter is now frantically searching for a small apartment near her house for Mom and her caregiver(s) to live in. She’s distraught. Mom is healthy as a horse, otherwise.
I feel for my friend. 36 Hour Day, indeed. I shall give her my copy of this worthy reference book. Final Gifts is a great book for the last stage.
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Post by questa on Jul 11, 2019 5:12:12 GMT
Advanced aging is a series of plateaus. Usually each is a bit worse than the stage before, but lasts long enough for you to get used to the “new normal” before the next deterioration. Kimby, you gave us this a few months ago. I offer it back to all the people here who are adapting to a new plateau. Coincidentally, I have spent much of this morning organizing and filling in the forms for when I 1) lose my marbles and 2) kick the bucket. I have also indicated that I do not want resuscitation or tubes.I still have to decide at what point I will legally refuse food and drink and thus hasten over the last plateau. When I read of the pain and distress that fill the last 80 pages of this thread it gives me comfort knowing that I can arrange for it to be minimal for my loved ones. |
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Post by Kimby on Jul 12, 2019 17:38:41 GMT
❤️
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Post by mich64 on Jul 26, 2019 23:45:04 GMT
I was full of joy this afternoon, we went to town to have coffee/tea with my mom and dad at their regular coffee shop. It seems her routine is slowly returning to normal. Her appetite has returned and she seems to be able to keep down most foods. She has lost a lot of weight so it will take some effort to get those pounds back. She was smiling and happy with our surprise visit. We are not sure what caused her illness but she seems to be rebounding.
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Post by htmb on Jul 27, 2019 0:51:11 GMT
Mich, wonderful and encouraging news! I’m so glad to hear your mom is doing better. Your joy comes through in your writing!
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Post by Kimby on Jul 27, 2019 0:59:00 GMT
So nice to have some happy news on this thread, mich!
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Post by mich64 on Jul 27, 2019 1:29:01 GMT
Thank you ladies! My dad dropped a kiss on my forehead once he seen me sitting in the booth with my mom, he had not seen us come in. When he sat down and grinned at me it almost brought me to tears (happy tears), you could see the relief in his face that she is getting back to health.
I am happy for my father as well. This past winter was very difficult on him. I have never seen him worry so much about the weather conditions, whether it was when the snow banks were so high, or when he worried about the furnace when it was so cold then the snow load on the roof or when it began to melt quickly and he thought for sure the basement would flood.
I told him we have to work on the things that worry him, so this winter he will have the roof shovelled half way through, he had the plumber in to check the sump pump drainage, all was good, he had a new furnace installed this week and a new water heater (was not aware that was bothering him!). So now he feels more in control. He looked really pleased today when he told me everything was ready. I am so glad they decided to stay in their house and not move to an apartment, they love their home.
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Post by Kimby on Jul 27, 2019 4:24:28 GMT
Glad you’re supporting their desires, even though some may try to tell you they aren’t safe in their own home. With enough help they are, and it’s awful to clip their wings if you don’t have to. Love, dignity, independence. Your folks have it all, mich.
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Post by bjd on Jul 27, 2019 6:34:56 GMT
Glad to hear that, Mich. If your parents are happy in their own house, then it's good that they are able to stay there. But if so many things have to be done to ease your father's worries, then perhaps the idea of an apartment should be kept as an alternative. You will see how he copes with next winter.
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Post by kerouac2 on Jul 27, 2019 10:08:50 GMT
Very good news, mich. I never wanted a house because there are so many things that need to be taken care of. Then again, one is not at all immune from a lot of them by living in an apartment.
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Post by lagatta on Jul 27, 2019 10:54:30 GMT
This past winter was a killer. Here it was a sea of ice. I had never been so long off my bicycle, and walked far less than usual. Fortunately I didn't put on weight, but I did get a bit out of shape. Remember that a friend was dying, and I couldn't visit him as much as I would have liked because he was in a facility at the top of a steep hill. Of course his wife took a taxi. The younger relatives here actually have a car because stepson works in Ottawa often, for an NGO. (I say "actually" because we are all eco-types and take public transport, walk or cycle). Another close friend spent the boreal winter/austral summer in her native Argentina.
Widowed friend is doing better now, though she is at ground zero of major reconstuction work at the métro next to their place. (Now, her, her son, his wife and their children, who live upstairs.
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Post by lugg on Jul 27, 2019 18:55:56 GMT
Great news Mich. Its all so tough... so glad to read about him taking control.
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Post by mich64 on Jul 27, 2019 19:58:18 GMT
Glad you’re supporting their desires, even though some may try to tell you they aren’t safe in their own home. With enough help they are, and it’s awful to clip their wings if you don’t have to. Love, dignity, independence. Your folks have it all, mich. Thank you Kimby, we are 3 of 5 children all living within 15 minutes of them and in daily contact. They are very central to everything, banking, groceries and their coffee shop! They have wonderful neighbours who check in on them as well. You will see how he copes with next winter. Indeed, but I do feel he now feels in control again and everything he purchased is under warranty so he just has to call and they have assured him they will be there. But will pay closer attention to their needs so worries do not get out of hand again. I never wanted a house because there are so many things that need to be taken care of. Then again, one is not at all immune from a lot of them by living in an apartment. I tried to get him to buy a condo but he detests the fees and having to rely on someone. There are not very many good apartment buildings here, unfortunately with poor reputations for when tenants need repairs, so I think that might be a worse situation for them. This past winter was a killer. Here it was a sea of ice. I had never been so long off my bicycle, and walked far less than usual. Indeed Lagatta, I can not remember a worse winter, hoping for a normal/regular winter this year! My father in law has been taken to hospital Sorry to read this whatagain, so difficult when you do not know what to expect. It is not like someone going in for surgery and being given a recovery expectancy, this is all unknown. so glad to read about him taking control. Me as well Lugg! And I can tell he feels like he has it under control now. Thank you everyone, it is difficult not knowing what is the right thing to do or say, I will continue to be observant and to help wherever we can. |
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Post by questa on Jul 27, 2019 23:28:22 GMT
There isn't really a "right way"...that makes it sound like there is a wrong way. There is your way and you will do what ever is right at that moment. What you do today may be different from tomorrow, but you will have no regrets because you will know that it was right at that time.
A friend told me recently she visited her father who has become very hard to get on with. He has carers looking after him by day and an alarm at night. The old man is not interested in the news or TV. The visits were getting so difficult that my friend dreaded them. One day she called in after going to the library. "What's that rubbish you're reading?" he demanded. Turned out it was a book he had liked years ago. She read him some and he loved it.
Now he has special reading days each week and friend says he has 'mellowed'and looks forward to their time together.
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Post by lagatta on Jul 28, 2019 0:14:22 GMT
I'm glad they have that respite together. My father became very horrible in his last years. Incapable of physical violence (he was NEVER physically violent towards me unlike my older brother who beat me and throw me down stairs) but prone to racial and other viciousness. You are roughly my generation and know that NOBODY talked about such violent behaviour and women and girls were expected to "manage" violent men and teenage boys.
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Post by lugg on Jul 29, 2019 18:39:15 GMT
One of things that has made me pretty sad recently when my daughter and I have taken her Grandma out is the fact that she has no handbag or purse with money or any of the knick knacks that many ( some) females carry around in them. These are things that she never left home without in all the time I have known her. So when we went out for lunch a few days ago I took a bag of hers and put a purse in it with some money and a few other bits and pieces of hers that I had - comb , lipstick etc. She was so happy to carry it around but really had no idea anymore about money or putting her lippy on. Anyway probably inconsequential - she enjoyed her time with us I believe,but was glad as ever to return to her care home.
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Post by kerouac2 on Jul 29, 2019 19:02:48 GMT
For as long as possible, I made sure that my mother carried a handbag because it was important to her. Also wearing a watch since being able to tell time was one of the last things that she could do, even if it made no difference. I had to keep an eye on the handbag at all times, though, because whenever she set it down, she never thought to pick it up again without being told.
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 5, 2019 16:24:12 GMT
You're not the only one to have been through that. It is painful, but you get used to it.
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Post by bixaorellana on Aug 6, 2019 5:52:29 GMT
I am so sorry to hear that, Whatagain. No matter how necessary, it has to be painful for the whole family.
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Post by Kimby on Aug 23, 2019 2:51:00 GMT
As our parents slide toward their final chapter, all we can do is keep them “safe, comfortable, and loved”. The rest doesn’t matter.
These words became a motto, or mantra, for my sisters and me as we gradually lost both of our parents to the great mystery. Or the really long nap, as Dad called it.
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 28, 2019 16:24:29 GMT
Terrible news, but you are new at this. Nothing in your report surprises me. I don't think that he will last long, and that will probably be for the best. Life can be cruel.
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Post by bixaorellana on Aug 28, 2019 17:42:03 GMT
So very sorry to hear this, Whatagain. Unfortunately, I know exactly what you are describing. My suggestion is that someone in the family talk to whomever is in charge at that facility and be adamant about your father-in-law getting visits from the social worker and also find out if efforts are being made to involve him in any activities. I don't care how nice these residencies appear, the people that run them will try to cut corners on staff, meaning that residents don't get monitored nor stimulated enough.
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