At least I saw some Efalumps. Real close.

[onlyMark]

The plan was good and well ...... errr.... planned. The preparations were comprehensive and thorough. The initial execution was disciplined and orderly. The weather was favourable and the unexpected was expected. Until the wheel came off.
Not literally, but nearly. A circular thing anyway.
I'll come to that in a bit though.

South Luangwa National Park in the north east of Zambia is lauded as one of the best parks in Africa, nay, the World. In fact, the Universe. I can't put my finger on any outside the solar system for now mind, but I think you get the idea.
Unfortunately door to door, or more accurately, door to gate, is 700km from me. I could fly there in just over an hour (about $320 return) and be then just half an hour from the gate, but what is the fun in that? Plus then I'd be without transport and have to rely on game drives from a lodge, at some exorbitant rate. Remind me to give you some examples. I like to be flexible and beholding to no man, so as I can spend ten hours driving yet only half an hour sitting on a plane until my arse gets fidgety, also me plus a 4wd is symbiotic, so there was no contest.
Me pack car. Me go. All very Neanderthal in a way.

A few hours after setting off I crossed the Luangwa River. It is one of the major rivers in Zambia but not really so in Africa as a whole. It is about 750km long and this crossing is about 90km from its end where it joins the mighty Zambezi. I'll cross over it again but many, many hundreds of kilometres later as I go into the park. Also it runs at the side of the camp I was at. You'll see in a minute. The photo is from some distance away because, as expected, photos of the bridge are frowned upon by the police at the checkpoints –




One thing about driving rather than flying is I get to see things I've never seen before. Or at least not in this context.
One is a speed limit sign denoting 120km/h. It is the first I've ever seen in the country and it is there because the road has been upgraded due to money from the EU –



In the background you can see one of these. A solar powered street light. Damn good idea. Not seen these either –






I show you all the thrilling, exciting things, huh!

[onlyMark]

Next on the agenda was an early lunch. Street food is not a strength in Zambia as I may have pointed out before. Nor are service stations with a nice cafe cum bakery, or roadside cafes and eateries with a fresh and varied menu. To get a half decent hot lunch I had to stop at a small hotel/lodge. There are often small shacks selling cooked food but even I, after thinking nothing of eating street food in many other countries, don't risk it here.

Three and a half Euros bought me chicken, rice and green stuff. The tomato sauce is not spicy, in case you were wondering. Food here isn't spicy. The green stuff I identified as either being collard greens, called rape here, or maybe spinach. I'm not sure at all. It had a bit of garlic and onion in it, but not enough to give it much taste. The chicken though was juicy and just right. The meal was filling but Zambian food isn't particularly to my taste. I think you have to be brought up on it. I would though put the cuisine in the top 196 countries of the world. Seeing as that is all of them (if you consider Taiwan as one), then it isn't really saying much –




The countryside was pleasant to pass through –

[onlyMark]

I spent the first night at a town called Chipata. This is just a couple of hours away from the park along a relatively new tarmac road. Many years ago when I used to enter Zambia from Malawi, not far from Chipata, the road to the park took hours and hours and I never looked forward to it. Rough, corrugated and muddy more often than not. It would take half a day at least to get from the town to the gate and I invariably arrived in a bad mood as it was unnecessary. The park is and was a major tourist attraction, hence the authorities should have been foresighted enough to at least make the bloody road there reasonable enough to promote the place. But no.
It is now at last though.

However, before I got there I needed to stop off for a bite to eat and get some money. The hotel I stayed at (Crossroads Lodge) was by far better value than the posh Protea (Euro 140 ish a night and worth Euro 80 at the most). I paid Euro 45 for a Euro 30 room and had a Zambian version of an English breakfast as well (Zambian in that it looks the same, but always seems to taste different. Even the eggs and Heinz beans seem to just have a slightly different taste).
To continue before I waffle on too much – a question often asked in forums, is can you pay for your lodge with a credit card? That is if you've not been suckered into handing over the full amount beforehand by a bank transfer. Some will ask and many will pay that way. Fifty percent is often ok for all inclusive, but that can still leave a big amount to pay at the end. So a credit card payment is handy. However, the lodges will often charge you an extra 5% for the privilege of doing so. This can work out at quite a lot. More in a second.

The place I was to stay at was a toss up. There were three places I was thinking of, but didn't have a three sided coin handy, so I decided on alphabetical order – Croc Valley, Flatdogs or Marula Lodge. Croc Valley was first so I decided to give it a go (I admit I had seen Flatdogs before. Overlanders used to stay there but they brought the tone down, so they said, so campers ended up being banned and they shifted the camp as well just to rub it in).
As a resident I can get a slightly better rate, but not by much, and I wanted and could pay in local cash money, Kwacha. But I needed to call at an ATM to stock up. That is where the cute little International Airport at Mfuwe came in. There is nothing much to it but it does have a couple of hole in the walls (holes in the wall?) and a bit of a cafe outside where I could get a toasted sandwich –

[onlyMark]

Half an hour later I was back at the Luangwa River. If I crossed it I'd be at the park gate. Where the three mentioned places are, is just on the river but across the other side, not quite in the park but overlooking it.
Just down a rather unloved access track before the bridge and to the right are Croc Valley and Marula Lodge. There is also another place close by called Track and Trail. To the left off the tarmac road is Flatdogs. The track I was on serves the three mentioned places and was in an appalling state and though just half a km or so is a first gear crawl over bumps and holes. Why on earth the three lodges that are so close to each other can't club together and put a grader through escapes me. I wouldn't want to go down it in a normal saloon car and for the sake of a few hundred metres would be quite annoying for someone who has driven all the way from Lusaka.

In short, Croc Valley is a good budget alternative and is in a prime position on the Luangwa River. The bar overlooks the river and many a happy hour can be spent counting the hippos. As soon as I got there and parked the car up I had a quick view whilst signing in (the colour of the river in the first photo is actually more accurate that the other two) –








At the side of the bar is the pool –

[onlyMark]

There are also various "chill out" areas stretching along the river bank –








The area for camping isn't so big and I think would get full quite quickly –




Dotted around the grounds are other types of accommodation such as pre-erected tents that are cheaper than the riverside ones but more expensive than bringing all your own gear. You can see a couple of these just behind where I've parked my car –




There are several grades of rooms available but they are also in the grounds and have what is called a 'garden view'. Just past the camping area and separate from them are the half a dozen posher tents –






These are close enough to the river but half a dozen paces closer would have been better. Anyway, some of the animals around the camp are friendly –




Whereas trace evidence of other larger beings is evident –

[onlyMark]

Mine was the first tent, strangely numbered Tent 2, but there you are, and the location was pretty good –










A bit of a view of it –

[onlyMark]

My tent, a tent for two, was $60 per night as advertised on their website. No food or anything and I'd brought cooking kit and food with me if I needed it. But, this is the cost per person, per night, sharing. Add another $16 per night as a single supplement, hence $76 for me per night, according to their costs – plus 10% service charge and 16% tax. They also don't mention that the Zambian government has recently added on now another 1.5% to the total as a tourist tax. The cost to get into the park is $25 per day (6am – 6pm), so if you get a lodge in the park, you'd have to pay that per day as well anyway. I pay $20 as a resident.

So for me alone, this is how they work it out - $76 x 10% x 16% x 1.5% = $98 per night plus 5% payment with a credit card, makes $103.35 (Euro 95 per night), and that is for information, one of the cheapest you can get unless you want to either camp or go in one of their cheaper basic rooms, when booking through their website.
But, Croc Valley is one of the few places that advertises on Booking.com and as such the full cost for me per night was $60 which included all the taxes apart from the credit card payment which, as mentioned, I wasn't going to do by paying cash anyway. Prices are now higher on Booking as the season has changed.

I needed though to sort out my own meals. Not a difficult thing to do.
If you go full board, which includes also two game drives per day the cost is obviously more. I had my own car so game driving is easy, plus usually there is a minimum amount of people (in this case, two) for them to do it otherwise you pay for two even if there is just one person.
Full board would cost me $180 plus single supplement of $30 = $210 per day. This would though include $80 per day worth of game drives (if there was always enough people, i.e. two of us each time and you still have to pay park entry fees). With taxes, fees etc this would thus be as near as dammit, $285 per day.
Minus the minimum cost of the game drives and that leaves them budgeting over $100 for me per day for food. Buying it 'a la carte' for breakfast and dinner, lunch is out of my supplies, is no more that $15 - $20.

Bored yet?
Anyway, imagine two of you in a decent riverside tent for three nights, full board with game drives after flying in to do it (transfers $25 per person one way), at one of the cheapest places in South Luangwa National Park, with taxes and cc payments etc etc, would cost you about, and if I've not forgotten anything, $1754. That doesn't include any flights from Lusaka and you'd have to get there anyway in the first place.
That is, if you consider for the two of you, close on $600 per night.
To compare this with Mfuwe Lodge in the park (so add on $50 for the two of you per day park fee) a mid-range lodge (bush camps are higher costs) at a mid-range time of year (June or October), full board with game drives, would cost the two of you close to $900 per night (including taxes though).
Peak season (July – September) in one of their associated bush camps will cost $1440 for the two of you sharing per night.
And this is still a mid-range price.
No wonder South Africans drive up and camp.

A walk along the path in front of the tents showed many more hippos in the river and the access they made getting up to the bank and the site –

[onlyMark]

All around were notices telling people not to leave food in their tents, or cars for that matter. Apparently not only the primates were a problem but they had had elephants breaking car windows to get at food. These little shitbags were a major pest and would steal anything. Even your soap out of the shower –




Eventually I got to the park the next day after a relaxing afternoon and evening contemplating my navel –






Often at game parks they have a sightings book at the reception whereby those just arriving can have a clue where some game had been recently. It can give you somewhere to aim for. South Luangwa hasn't a book but on paying the entry fee a quick, "Where should I head for?" to anyone looking like they work their (not the office cleaner though), usually elicits a reasonable answer. One thing is they don't have maps to give you or sell, so for this park, trying to get some info beforehand as to tracks is the best option. There are signposts on the main tracks like "Zebra Loop" etc though which give a bit of a clue.
I was told where early that morning a pride of lions had been spotted, but it was quite a way in the park at a fairly remote area. I thought I'd head there anyway and I had a rough idea where they meant.

Just a little through the gate is the aforementioned Mfuwe Lodge. This is all you can see from the track, it doesn't border the river –

[onlyMark]

As I meandered around you can have an idea of what jumped out at me –












































Then disaster struck.

[onlyMark]

I'd just pulled up at yet another family of elephants in the middle of nowhere, down a probably little used track, and fairly close to where the lions had been sighted, when there was an almighty metallic screeching noise from my engine.
And it stopped.
All the dash lights came on and I let out a swear word casting doubts on the car's parentage.
The efalumps elephants turned to look at me, not with alarm, more with a "So what are you going to do now?" type of expression.
I glanced at my phone to summon help. No signal. Not surprising really.

One elephant asked if I wanted to make a trunk call (the old jokes are still old) and I held my breath and tried to start the engine again.
It fired up with a groan and though no more metallic noises, it was making a rattle and wobble noise. And smelt badly. There was no way I was getting out the car to check, so whilst it was running I gingerly, with everything crossed, reversed, turned round and made my way the distance back to a main track. The elephants receded into my mirrors with hardly a second glance at me, but I could hear chuckling noises from them.
No friends of mine, they're not now. Certainly off my Christmas card list.

At the main track I scanned around, left the engine running, jumped out and opened the bonnet.
Just as an aside, many years ago I had to do the same thing in Kafue National Park (also in Zambia) and as I was walking around to the front of the vehicle, my passenger loudly whispered my name. We'd been following lion prints in the sandy track for half an hour or so but they'd disappeared about a kilometre back.
I looked at my passenger as she turned her head slowly to her side, then slowly back to me. I'm not stupid, I knew something was up. So I eased my way back inside and closed the doors properly. I looked across her, to her side, and saw literally not three metres away, hidden in the grass, the aforementioned pair of lions. Gazing at us.

It turns out they were a mating couple so I think he had other things on his mind.
He'd mount her from the back and bite her neck to hold her. Not long after he'd withdraw, promoting a roar of pain from her (lions, as with cats, have a barbed pleasure sausage, ow!). This would be repeated a large number of times over the next hour we waited there.
I was a bit jealous actually. Not for the pain part but the frequency. What had shrivelled up and clenched when I first saw them was even more so now.

So I had a damn good look round, whipped up the bonnet and saw to my horror, one of the pulley things on the front of the engine, driven by a fan belt, doing its best to keep turning but in reality wanting to fly off, exiting through the radiator, front grill and anything else it could destroy on the way.
It was the aircon pump if anyone is interested. The internal clutch had self-destructed causing the bad smell and damaged bearing.
I had little choice. Sit and wait it out, or try and slowly drive back to civilisation.
As I had eaten my last packet of salt and vinegar crisps, I knew I couldn't last long. The decision was a foregone one. Besides, it started raining as well to add insult to injury.

I found funnily enough that at a certain engine revs, the whole thing went quiet. A sweet spot.
I grabbed the last photo on the way back to the camp. At last, hippos out of the water -

[onlyMark]

That was the end of my safari I'm afraid.
I had a contact two hours away in Chipata who knew of a garage that maybe could help. I also knew that it would no doubt take several days for parts and repair, whereas in Lusaka, I could probably get it done in a day or so. I didn't want to be stuck in Chipata for who knows how long and more than likely over a weekend, and with confidence borne from the found sweet spot, the next day I held my breath for many hours and drove the 700km back home with just one stop, for fuel.
I didn't know I could hold my breath that long. Nor hold the engine revs at one point for so long either. Fortunately this equated to 90km/h in top gear.

The news from the garage near home is grim. Six hundred Euros to fix it. Parts and labour. Or 450 euros for a second hand pump.
I think I'll go for the new one. I don't want to risk it again if at all possible. Looks like I'll be taking my own tent, camping and eating packaged ramen noodle soups next time to save the money I'll have to shell out for this repair.
Bugger.

[bjd]

I really enjoy your stories. At least you got to see elephants. And at those prices, I can at least look at your photos because I know I will never go on another safari. Mine was much cheaper but it was 14 years ago in Kenya.

[mossie]

Tough luck on the car, but you had had all the luck with the wildlife. Even the lion didn't jump you. It all sounds rather expensive when I thought Africa was cheap.

[onlyMark]

Not often cheap at all mossie. In fact it's a bit of a bug bear with me. I wholeheartedly agree with paying white man rates to go into a national park owned by the government - if the money is used as intended and not secreted away in some Minister's bank account. But, I cannot countenance the seemingly grossly inflated prices charged by private establishments in order to be able to have access to the same park.
Yes, I understand more than most the logistical problems associated with building and running a lodge or camp. I understand more than most because of my knowledge and experience of the areas and travelling in them. Plus many are seasonal and can only make their money at certain times of year and are then mothballed for the rest. But those that are open all year round surely have to be ripping people off left right and centre. A thousand US dollars a night for a couple is quite normal, jeesus, I have no idea what the average wage is for a Zambian, but if he earns that a month I bet he's very lucky.
Our cleaner, who is actually not employed by us but the landlord, works our place and two others owned by the landlord, works six days a week from 8am to 5pm, gets a medical and insurance scheme paid, but earns per month £125.
Thought provoking for sure.

The reason they charge these amounts is because people will pay it. Also, it's not as if you get the service you get in a lot of Asian hotels/lodges in Asia. You don't at all. Maintenance is also sketchy at best.
If people think they are getting value for money, which some do going by reviews I see, they are talking out their arse.
Example - I wanted a cup of coffee at the place I was staying. It was a normal small cup and cost three euros. But, as they said they'd run out of filter coffee, I got instant served to me. Cheaper then I said. Nope, still same price I was told. No more than five minutes away back on the main road is a cafe where a cup costs sixty cents, a proper mug of filter coffee. With a biscuit!

Pah! Don't start me on rip off prices in some of these African countries. That's why I made the point in the post about the costs. To also dispel any misconceptions. There are cheaper safari countries in Africa, South Africa for one, but Zambia, Namibia, Botswana to name three, are not. Deals can be found, but they are not the norm.

[cheerypeabrain]

Thank you Mark for this excellent thread. I love the hefalumps and you saw horses in pyjamas as well. My safaris are all done from my sofa with David Attenborgh as the guide I suspect that I'd spend 99% of a REAL safari cowering in the hotel and screaming at the slightest hint of snakes, spiders or bad coffee. Not adventurous...my loss I'm sure. Wimp is my middle name....(although I love reading about your adventures)

[onlyMark]

I'll take you Cheery. You'll be safe with me. Honest. Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Would you prefer a safari or a remote desert jaunt? I either case the key to survival is water and chocolate. Water for you, chocolate for me.

Do you know how you can tell a female pyjama wearing horse from a male?
Females, starting from the front go black, white, black, white and males, from the back, go white, black, white, black.
If there are an odd number of stripes it's a transexual.

[bixaorellana]

What an adventure, although sorry for the really bad luck with the car. I blanched at those prices you quoted for the parks. But as you say, they must get that, judging by the fact they feel free to up the ante for a "better" season.

Your wildlife pictures are incredible. The elephants are practically 3-D. I know you've seen lots of African wildlife, but it's gotta be a thrill each time, right?

That speed limit is awfully damned zippy for a two lane road!

[breeze]

Adventure seeks you out, Mark. You're just not cut out for a quiet life. You did get to see some animals fairly close before your car got temperamental and your picture are terrific, especially the zebras.

I appreciate the pictures of the wildlife, I really do, but I can't get past the fact that you camped next to a river at Croc Valley and there was no chain link fence between you and the river. I'm horrified.

[bjd]

But Breeze -- the hippos have to be able to get out to eat grass. The crocodiles, of course, are another thing.

[onlyMark]

Bixa, I must admit I get a bit blasé with some of the deer/antelope type things nowadays. Even warthogs. All I can think of is what the taste was like when I'd eaten them. It's always good to see the rest of them though, especially the elephants which are a favourite as they are family orientated, intelligent and surprisingly gentle. Hippos, on the other hand, I ascribe the characteristics of being fat, lazy, unintelligent thugs.

Breeze, if you don't hear from me for a few days, try and find the biggest, fattest croc you can. I may be in there.
There is no real danger though. If there was anything unusual they'd have night guards patrolling to keep any dangerous wildlife at bay.

Hang on a minute. They do. Aaarrgghhhh!

[Deleted]

Another excellent report, all the more so because you took the time to explain the pricing system and what to expect. I know that "tourist Africa" is not cheap, but it would be better if they just said right from the start what the full price would be instead of continually adding charges here and there.

You at least know what to do when a car breaks down. My total ignorance of the subject is one of the reasons that I can not consider any sort of independent trip like that.

[onlyMark]

I must admit that having my own car stops me from doing more adventurous things because of the worry of it breaking down or it getting damaged. I'd much prefer to get a hire car and then mentally I can disconnect from it and just think of it as a tool. But renting here is also tremendously expensive. The very least I've ever rented a car for is 5 euro a day off season in Spain. Here, doing a quick check of the Avis website for June, means forking out for a small car, 100 euros a day, and with a mileage limit of 100km a day. Local firms aren't much cheaper.

[tod2]

I enjoyed reading your adventure Mark. Thank you for the breakdown on prices.
It makes Kruger look even more wonderful. Yes, at Kruger for foreign tourists it is more expensive having to pay a huge chunk of money for the daily fee. Of course the bungalow and tent costs are the same as is food etc, as it is for South Africans.
For the price you paid I found your accommodation very basic to say the least. The beds look well slept in and I had to smile when I saw that very modern white porcelain hand basin sitting atop an old wooden table with 'garden taps' for faucets. All in an airy slapped together brick surround.
I can accept rustic in many instances but I think your ablution block could have done with a little more care and interest. Especially for the price they charge. Pool looked lovey as a pool should.
Breaking down in the middle of a game reserve is no joke that's for sure. It's happened to us with a puncture. You were lucky those lions took no notice of you! That's why when I have to get out to pee I stay right inside the open door

[onlyMark]

Hanging your arse over the door sill is the way to go.

Yes, the accommodation is basic and overvalued. The photos always actually make it look a little better than it is. One of the things for example is that the front and rear tent zips were broken. That made it a worry that the monkeys would get in. Everything looked like it had been hurriedly put together with no finesse. I know there is often a large gap between the prices asked and the value that you get for it. One review of the place I went mentioned a person had paid $900 for him and his wife for 4 nights/5 days and we was mightily pissed off that after paying all that, he didn't even get the small things like towels and soap/shampoo.
I certainly wouldn't pay for full board in any of the places, even though you are supposed to get a couple of game drives each day. Hundreds if not thousands of dollars it costs and the catering is poor, the accommodation is poor and the attitude is poor.

There is a peculiar trait I've noticed here. I may have experienced it elsewhere but it hasn't hit me so strongly. In the overnight place I stayed at in Chipata before going to the park, the hotel said it had wifi. Ok, fair enough, I didn't expect much from it but at least it had it. So, on booking in I went to my room to drop my bag off then went back to reception to ask for the password.
Now, it is obvious then when a guest asks about wifi, what he wants is access.
The conversation went like this,
Me, "You have internet don't you."
Pause, reply, "Yes."
Me, "Can I have the password then please."
Pause, reply, "Yes."
Then she say there for three or four seconds just looking at me.
Me, "Anytime now would be good."
"OK."
Another pause then she had to scrabble round for a scrap piece of paper and a pen to write it down.

It is the pause thing that gets me. It happens a lot.
In the restaurant I walked in and sat down. A waitress saw me, waited a few seconds and then walked over, and just stood there looking at me.
"Do you have a menu?"
Pause, reply, "Yes."
Pause, pause.
"Can I look at it then?"
Pause, "Yes."
Pause, pause.
"Whenever you have time to get it for me."
Pause, pause, "Ok."
And she went off to get it.
The weird thing is often, and I mean often, you walk into a shop or want to do something and there are the pauses that make you think the person either doesn't understand you or it is the very first time they've ever been asked and are just trying to process the information.
At first on coming here I noticed it and wondered if culturally I was getting something wrong. But no, I've seen it not just with me but with locals as well.

[tod2]

Mark, Mark. There is no way a South African waitress would put you through 'the ringer' experience in Kruger or in other restaurant here......Sorry, I will rephrase that. Any well trained waitress here.
We have two waitresses working at our favourite Chinese place. No matter how many times we go there they never bring cutlery and condiments unless you ask for them. This last Saturday we sat down for lunch and our drinking glasses were presented dripping with water as in 'just rinsed'.
We were so distraught we broke into laughter and laughed and laughed. Better than crying into ones beer.
The waitresses I think are from Zambia or areas very north of us. Because when I speak Zulu to them they are blank faced.

Often in these situations I say to my beloved "Shoot Me! Shoot Me Now!"

[onlyMark]

First world problems I know, but still frustrating.