Not saying what you mean

[Deleted]

There are numerous ways to hide what we actually mean. I’m not talking about outright lies, but all of the little ways of wording things so that your meaning is blunted or open to reversal if things go wrong.

“People always…”
“It is only human nature to…”
“Everybody has noticed that…”

Hey, there’s safety in numbers, isn’t there? If somebody contests what you say, at least you are not alone.

Then there are blanket statements that try to make sure that nothing can be done about a situation.

“That’s just the way they do things around here.”
“That’s the way people are.”

My own principal technique of non-communication is the classic non-committal statement.

“Interesting”
“Different”
“Strange”
“That’s one way to look at it.”

This is to avoid having to say things like “Are you insane?” or “You have really bad taste.”

Words are used to avoid responsibility a lot, and most people start with limiting themselves with

“Can’t”
“Couldn’t”
“Have to”
… and many others.

When you say “I’m too busy” or “I can’t attend the meeting,” it usually means that you don’t want to because you prefer to do something else. “I don’t have time” is another good one.

Then there is “I don’t know.” This usually means “I don’t want to think about it anymore” or “I’m not interested.”

Using questions to deflect your meaning is a classic.

“Are you sure that’s the right thing to do?” = “You are making a mistake!”
“Do you really want to go to that restaurant?” = “I sure as hell don’t!”

I am really fascinated by how much we use words to avoid communication.

[Deleted]

I'm the queen of 'not saying what I mean'. Or maybe I should say, I'm the queen of 'biting my tongue'.

But I know what you mean, we all try and be polite when ever we can. (At least most of us do).

Examples that come to mind: What I'm thinking and what I'd actually say -

You racist bint- your perception is a it off I think.
You sexist pig - I don't think you should be talking about a woman like that.
You ass-kisser - Try and be more independent in your thinking.
What a brainless air head - Don't you have any opinions of your own, or do you always just agree with everyone else?
You need a kick up the backside - Try and apply yourself more.
F*eck off I'm sick of you - I'm busy right now, maybe next time.
Jeez you're ugly - Maybe you need to spend more time at the spa?
Shut the f*eck up for once in your life - My, you certainly are a chatter box aren't you now?
You stink! - Is that a new perfume you are wearing today?
(When on the phone) - OMG, she's boring! - You'll have to excuse me, I think I left something on the stove.
When face to face - OMG, she's boring! - Oh look, I think I just saw Elvis come through the door, excuse me.
What the frig are you doing!? - hmm..maybe you should re-consider that.

etc. etc.

[imec]

I "love" how everyone these days talks about "challenges" when they really mean "problems" if not downright f'ups.

[livaco]

As a teacher I have often found myself talking with other teachers about certain students whom we describe as "challenging".

It is a word we have to use because it wouldn't be very professional to be overheard calling someone's kid "a little sh*t"...

[bixaorellana]

Well, yeah -- most people equivocate in the ways described above because they either want to spare the feelings of others or they need to keep their jobs.

Would you all tell me how you feel about this:

A friend of mine (A) was given a book for her birthday by (B). A and I were discussing books and authors, and A said that she really hated the birthday book and couldn't figure out why B gave it to her. I pointed out that A and I frequently have different takes on books, the book in question was written by a respected author and B liked it so it seemed like a good gift. Then A said she was going to tell B that she didn't like the book.

I was shocked and said that it might hurt B's feelings. A does not agree. What do you all think?

[spindrift]

A would hurt B's feelings which, in turn, might change their friendship.

It once happened to me that someone surprised me with the gift of a wretched old toneless piano when I had been longing for one of my own choosing. I had just come off a 16 hour flight, was very tired and couldn't think straight. I was told to close my eyes and come into the room. When I saw the piano I blurted out 'That's not for me, is it?...oh no!'....

I've regretted my words ever since. I am sure the person was very upset but didn't show it.

[hwinpp]

Sept 7, 2009 22:07:14 GMT bixaorellana said:

Well, yeah -- most people equivocate in the ways described above because they either want to spare the feelings of others or they need to keep their jobs.

Would you all tell me how you feel about this:

A friend of mine (A) was given a book for her birthday by (B). A and I were discussing books and authors, and A said that she really hated the birthday book and couldn't figure out why B gave it to her. I pointed out that A and I frequently have different takes on books, the book in question was written by a respected author and B liked it so it seemed like a good gift. Then A said she was going to tell B that she didn't like the book.

I was shocked and said that it might hurt B's feelings. A does not agree. What do you all think?

I wouldn't want to hurt a friend's feelings over a book. But I would have a word with B regarding choice of gifts.

I've had friends not reading books I gave them so I stopped giving books. I must admit though I often found myself choosing books I wanted them to read because I thought they needed to be informed about something.

[patricklondon]

My examples are from TV. There was a character I saw on a US shopw (?Saturday night live?) who always said "Well, isn't that special!" to avoid having to say "You'll burn in hell", and I remember a show from (I think) New Zealand which had a whole episode about "Motherspeak", including such gems as "Well, of course, it's not for me to say..." and "I'm sure you know best, dear".

[bixaorellana]

Another example in the mode of Patrick's above -- "Oh, really" said in just the right way translates as "You are lying".

[tillystar]

Would you all tell me how you feel about this:

A friend of mine (A) was given a book for her birthday by (B). A and I were discussing books and authors, and A said that she really hated the birthday book and couldn't figure out why B gave it to her. I pointed out that A and I frequently have different takes on books, the book in question was written by a respected author and B liked it so it seemed like a good gift. Then A said she was going to tell B that she didn't like the book.

I was shocked and said that it might hurt B's feelings. A does not agree. What do you all think?

It depends on the friend and the friendship. I have a couple of friends who I am close to amd we talk about books with a lot and I am sure if I told them I didn't like a book they had given me we'd just have a conversation about it (me ripping it to bits, them telling me why I was wrong) and at least get some pleasure out of it that way, pretty sure they'd tell me too.

But mostly I'd not say anything!

[lola]

In a situation where a comment is required along with superhuman tact, I say something like a drawn out "well": "Way ull. Huh!"

(Essential with this method to conceal all external evidence of judgmental attitude.)

[Deleted]

I had a whole evening of that last night, but I just about had to bite my tongue until it bled to keep myself from saying certain things.

My best friend had saved up six months of revelations about his life, and even though I knew that everything he was saying was inevitable, and had known it for the last eight years (breaking up, major financial drama, living out of a shopping bag while still being the principal of a huge high school, dealing with his daughter's questions, psychiatric vertigo problems that prevent him from accepting his free administrative housing, plus an unexpected bonus of a new love life based in Brazil), I had to absorb each detail with a benevolent gaze and no comment. On top of that, he knows exactly what I have thought about his life for the last eight years, which is what made it so hard for him to tell me.

But apparently, I passed the ordeal with flying colors by never once blurting out "I told you so" since I received a glowing and relieved e-mail from him this morning. Oh, and I'm supposed to find a ticket to Brazil for him.

[fumobici]

Well done! A benevolent gaze and no comment is a brilliant accomplishment under those circumstances. I seldom regret having kept my criticisms and jusgements to myself dealing with friends. Friendships work best with some real degree of unconditionality.

[bixaorellana]

Why are you telling us this, Kerouac? You should be frantically working it into a pilot for what would definitely be a long-running, quality television drama.

[Deleted]

I was too busy working out the explanation on why no fewer than three apartments on the roof of the high school needed to have their terraces encased in forged iron frames, supposedly for the security of the little girl when she comes to visit.

I drove over the VerrazanO Narrows bridge in New York once with this friend and he nearly pulled a chunk of flesh out of my arm with his death grip, so I know it is a very serious problem. He cannot walk across the bridges in Paris and has to take the metro or bus to cross the river. Even though he was born in Paris, he has never been on the Eiffel Tower, towers of Notre Dame, Pompidou Center or any other height.

[imec]

a great story about how a marketing campaign is made. Speakers say what they think and not what they should say. (there are some vulgar bits, but it's very funny)

[auntieannie]

yep, agreed, this is HILARIOUS!

I remember the "no mention of the word problem ever" being a sales thing I was told in the 90's. There is no problem. even the word problem doesn't exist. There can be issues, challenges, differences .... but NO problem.

[patricklondon]

I remember the "no mention of the word problem ever" being a sales thing I was told in the 90's.

But a more recent bugbear is how many firms advertise themselves not as offering a product or a service but "solutions": the latest I've seen is "retail snacking solutions".

[Deleted]

Gee, I don't know how I had missed this. It certainly looks like my office.

[auntieannie]

Patrick, I think it's the normal follow up. As "there are no problems. Only solutions" ... ;D