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Post by rikita on Apr 16, 2014 21:25:36 GMT
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Post by mossie on Aug 5, 2014 20:21:02 GMT
Seniors still need newspapers......
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here… use my iPad."
I can tell you this…..
That f-----g fly never knew what hit him!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2014 14:02:16 GMT
Ha!  |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2014 13:03:58 GMT
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
snowballs
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Post by patricklondon on Dec 26, 2014 11:45:10 GMT
Oh well, if we're on Christmas cracker jokes, this year's crop includes What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey. (The children laughed, at least.) My blog | My photos | My video clips"too literate to be spam" |
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Post by mossie on Jan 1, 2015 15:30:22 GMT
Do you love your boss
One day all the parts of a body had a debate to decide who should be in charge of the body.
“I should be in charge”, said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away.”
“I should be in charge”, said the stomach, “because I process food and give you all energy.”
“I should be in charge”, said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”
“I should be in charge”, said the eyes, “because I enable the body to see where it goes.”
“I should be in charge”, said the rectum, “because I am responsible for the waste removal.”
All the other parts of the body laughed at the rectum and insulted him. So, in a bad mood he shut down tight. Within a few days the body had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly. The eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss after all.
The moral of this story? - It is usually an asshole that is in charge.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2015 20:46:27 GMT
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Post by mossie on Feb 8, 2015 19:26:27 GMT
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2015 19:55:30 GMT
 jet black hair indeed! 
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Post by patricklondon on Feb 10, 2015 11:05:06 GMT
Taking up kerouacs #foxnewsfacts point above, you know that in the UK even the weather forecast is Islamic now? Sometimes it's going to be Sunni, and sometimes it's going to be Shi'ite. My blog | My photos | My video clips"too literate to be spam" |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2015 21:41:36 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Apr 18, 2015 21:46:33 GMT
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
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Post by deyana on Apr 19, 2015 14:14:09 GMT
Mossie! That was just too funny.  Great jokes on here everyone.  |
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Post by deyana on Apr 19, 2015 14:15:49 GMT
Prince Charles and the HookerPrince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they neared the hookers corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she Watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
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Post by mossie on Jul 11, 2015 13:57:01 GMT
getting old should require training
I bought a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."
It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2015 20:51:43 GMT
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Post by bixaorellana on Mar 9, 2021 17:45:06 GMT
Warning ~ the song in this video could become your earworm.
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Post by fumobici on Mar 9, 2021 18:56:37 GMT
Too late, I'm afraid  |
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Post by bixaorellana on May 14, 2021 18:54:42 GMT
getting old should require trainingI bought a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom." It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.   Oh gawwd ~ I missed seeing that before! ----------------------------------------------------------- Does this need to go into The Library? 
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Post by patricklondon on May 15, 2021 9:31:55 GMT
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Post by bixaorellana on May 15, 2021 15:54:53 GMT
The last one made me use my brain. They're all great. My only previous exposure (so to speak) to this kind of humor was something my mother had retained from her high school days: "Open Kimono" by Seymour Hare |
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Post by bjd on May 15, 2021 17:59:09 GMT
Then I can chip in two from my high school years:
"Yellow River" by I.P. Daley
"Rusty Bedsprings" by I.P. Knightley
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Post by patricklondon on May 15, 2021 19:48:22 GMT
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Post by kerouac2 on Oct 14, 2021 17:13:00 GMT
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Oh gawwd ~ I missed seeing that before!
