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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2009 20:57:02 GMT
GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband..
'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.
;D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2009 21:02:54 GMT
A teenage boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car...'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2009 21:07:13 GMT
That's a good one, I like it. ;D
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Post by hwinpp on Sept 17, 2009 7:01:09 GMT
Yep. Hair, always an issue in families with boys ;D
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Post by fumobici on Sept 17, 2009 7:17:21 GMT
Anything but a 'frohawk.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2009 14:09:47 GMT
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2009 14:24:22 GMT
Too cute ;D Makes me want to have another baby.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2009 19:07:32 GMT
Things you'd just love to say out loud: 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. 10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 22. Do I look like a people person? 23. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 24. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left. 25. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 26. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 27. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 28. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 29. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 30. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 32. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 33. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 34. Chaos, panic,& disorder-my work here is done. 35. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 36. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 37. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different 38. "Jesus loves you--but everyone else thinks you're .........an a**hole." ;D
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Post by BigIain on Sept 26, 2009 13:44:19 GMT
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
IF WOMEN DRINK THESE DRINKS IN A PUB ... (NOT AT HOME)
BEER Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. COCKTAILS OR BLENDER DRINKS WITH UMBRELLA Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. MIXED DRINKS - NO UMBRELLAS E.G.; GIN AND TONIC / SCOTCH AND SODA Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink. WATER Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship. Approach: Don’t. WINE - (BOTTLED, NOT 4 LITRE CASK) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation. BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, MUDSHAKE ETC. Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue. Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you’re in. SPIRITS SUCH AS CC, WILD TURKEY, SOUTHERN COMFORT Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of personalities. Love to be laid! Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in! CAPE VELVET Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub. SHOTS AND SLAMMERS (TEQUILA, VODKA, COWBOYS, AFTERSHOCK ETC.) Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk. Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...... SPIRITS SUCH AS JACKS, BEAM & BUNDY Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
CIDER He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid. CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER He’s poor / student and wants to get laid. CASTLE LAGER BEER He likes good beer and wants to get laid. IMPORTED BEER He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid. GUINNESS The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another. WATER He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid WINE He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. VODKA OR BRANDY Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid. PORT Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid. WHISKY/JACK DANIELS He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. JIM BEAM Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid. RUM OR TEQUILA Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid. BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2009 21:21:12 GMT
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important. ;D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2009 21:24:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2009 19:25:48 GMT
I don't think we have any blond men on this board, so it's probably Okay to post this one: ;D
Blond Men
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'
Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2009 19:33:12 GMT
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.? I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2009 20:25:35 GMT
Joke: - Q: Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? . . . . A: Where you left it. ____________
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2009 20:28:44 GMT
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the young couple next door and said, "Do you see those two? How devoted they are? He kisses his wife every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her nearly well enough."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2009 20:31:29 GMT
A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" The father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." He says. "A Torah scholar, Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man said, and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2009 20:32:34 GMT
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
;D
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Post by fumobici on Oct 22, 2009 22:13:42 GMT
I know this great Jonestown, Guyana joke but the punchline's too long.
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Post by bixaorellana on Oct 22, 2009 23:58:46 GMT
*SNORK!*
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2009 8:54:21 GMT
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2009 13:12:14 GMT
;D
Very funny.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2009 17:32:13 GMT
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2010 7:59:04 GMT
An airline pilot in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The pilot says, "I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?", "I'll have a pint as well", says the ostrich. The pilot looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too?". The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says "That'll be three pounds forty, please". The pilot reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the pilot pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the pilot, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar.
"I'll have a pint", says the pilot. "Same for me", says the ostrich, and the cat orders up half ...... "but I ain't fookin' payin'!". Repeat of yesterday.
The pilot pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enters again. "The same?", asks the barman. "Well", says the pilot, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch". He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well". The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch ........ but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "that'll be seven pouns twenty, please". To his amazement, the pilot pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio is finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know .... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket ... every time?"
"Well", says the pilot, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes".
"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, i just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there"
"That's brilliant", says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live"
"That's right, whether it's a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
"As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "one last thing, sir ... err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"
The pilot looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I ask for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy"
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2010 5:55:16 GMT
A group of 40 year old mates discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were cute.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2013 1:02:20 GMT
That was a good one, K.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2013 1:04:08 GMT
Chopping More Than Wood....
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2013 1:06:53 GMT
Two Vampire Bats...
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2013 15:34:20 GMT
Boy Scouts
Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend,
"We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 17:37:25 GMT
Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No doughnut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2013 21:55:49 GMT
Four Things...
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
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