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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2010 19:25:43 GMT
Yes, I had a caregiver come to the house when both my brother and I were there together a day or two after my father's death. I had to go back to France for two weeks and then come back for two weeks to empty what I could from the house, put it in storage, and take my mother back with me. There was no way that she could spend 2 weeks alone, even if we filled the refrigerator. My mother sat through the interview and then said "when are you going to get this woman to leave?"
Anyway, my brother stayed a few extra days and had the woman come in for a few hours before he left. It was planned that she would come for a few hours every day until I could return, and it really worked quite well, except that my mother would then call her ten times a day and tell her that she had to come back. (She was a sweet woman, but anyway it was good money, so the solution a lot of the time was to go and pick up mother and take her to her house for a few hours -- but I didn't regret one penny of the expense.)
Then I returned and liquidated my parents' married life.
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Post by lagatta on Sept 2, 2010 23:04:05 GMT
This of course tells us not to accumulate too much "stuff", especially as often nowadays children or grandchildren are living thousands of km away, if not a continent away.
I have a friend in NYC who spent at least a month going through hoarder parents' basement...
If we do have valuable stuff (works of art, rare books etc.) it is important to have them bequeathed or at least recorded so heirs know what to do with them.
My mum has outlived herself. She is 97 (!) had me at well over 40. She was the most admirable middle-aged and elderly person, but has had a series of minor strokes; it isn't exactly like Alzheimers but she sleeps most of the time and drifts in and out of consciousness. This is a deep pity as she would have had none of that and swallowed a mortal pill rather than be in such a state.
Our relations were fraught, in particular because my older brother was very violent and she said it was up to me to "manage" him - I left home at 17. No, I don't blame him or her - he was and is deeply fucked-up and not within earshot, she grew up with expectations about women so different that there was always a deep gulf, although she earned her own living for most of her life, as my dad (a very heavy smoker) fell ill when I was a child, and was never much of a breadwinner.
No, I don't obsess about such stuff; it is just such a thread that makes me think of it. I'm sad about my mum - she does not live nearby as she went to live in a house owned by a far more prosperous cousin, and I can't travel there very often.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 3, 2010 1:35:32 GMT
Thanks for your caring concern. It really helps so keep it up!
It's been a long and productive day. Dad is getting stronger and shows moments of his old self, making wry comments and recalling events of long ago. The hospital lost his hearing aid, so we can't tell how much of his communication difficulties are from not being able to hear what is said. Fortunately the hospital has agreed to buy him a new one, though that may take 3 weeks. In the meantime, if we go to RadioShack we can get a device with a headphones and wireless microphone, so Mom can speak into the mic and Dad will hear it in his ears. In theory.
We have appointments tomorrow with the housekeeping service, the home health aid, physical therapy and occupational therapy people, and wonder of wonders, his own doctor is making a house call, since his next appointment falls on the day after I leave. If I leave.
I'm also plowing through piles of mail, including overdue notices for utilities, tax bills, and their auto insurance has lapsed. Got that one fixed right away! (I need to drive their car, even if they stop driving.)
We are more comfortable with the medicine routine though we need to come up with a failsafe system. Any ideas? He likes to count out the next 24 hours worth of pills and vitamins for himself and Mom, and place them in glass petrie dishes labeled AM and PM. He doesn't "get" the 7 day pill dispenser, and anyway, the pills in blister packs don't fit in the little compartments, even on the bigger dispensers.
Now I'm occupying myself with throwing out 3 year old salad dressing, weevily rice, and nearly empty bottles of everything you can imagine. And cleaning. Rust rings in the toilets, grease on the range hood light diffuser. Dog hair everywhere. I'll bet the fridge coils are full of it, I can't get the temp down to a really safe level.
The folks are watching a footballl game on TV, having enjoyed a day that was more or less normal, with a visit from good friend who is 92, and a meal cooked by someone other than themselves. I'm trying to show them quick and easy foods that are wholesome as well as pointing out the convenience items that are less loaded with salt and fat (look for the green labels).
We're moving along. The days will fly by. If need be, I'll extend my reservation, though Mr. Kimby isn't excited about having to work on the lake cottage alone.
Their computer is so bolloxed up that pages take eons to load, and I can barely do this one post on the forum. Mom and I are going to play cards while Dad continues watching the game. We'll see if she still remembers how.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2010 4:39:20 GMT
My mother managed to live off frozen individual portion dishes for awhile. The danger was that my parents had never wanted a microwave, so there was the risk of forgetting to turn off the oven (forgetting to turn it on was not as much of a problem). You probably cannot expect your parents to really "prepare" meals anymore. Is there a meals-on-wheels service where they live?
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Post by bjd on Sept 3, 2010 6:14:58 GMT
Good luck, Kimby. It sounds as though things are getting much better, even though you must be feeling like a housekeeper.
I remember going to visit my in-laws in Paris. Over the years, the dishes felt stickier and stickier and we used to have to wash them before eating. But my father-in-law used to fill old perfume bottles with dishwashing liquis and squeeze out a few drops at a time to do the dishes! At least they didn't have a dog.
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Post by mickthecactus on Sept 3, 2010 8:09:57 GMT
Better news Kimby - well done!
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Post by Jazz on Sept 3, 2010 18:41:29 GMT
Kimby, I was so encouraged to read your post today. The sudden shift with your mom and dad is shocking and creates confusion and unhappiness when you are first confronted with this often inevitable reality of life. But you are a strong woman and a caring daughter and dealing with this as best you can. It’s all overwhelming at first, but you take it step by step. Adaptation doesn’t happen overnight, for anyone. Be patient with yourself and your mom and dad
My own situation was different, my father died 30 years ago, at 60, and my mom 15 years ago, at 72. I was fortunate in that my mother was mentally acute until the end, but in the 8 years proceeding she deteriorated physically in so many ways, heart attacks, diabetes, blood pressure etc. She was the most high energy and active person I had ever known in my entire life, easily surpassing my friends, 30 years younger than her. One adjustment after another after another. Unlike most people here, whose parents live far away, she moved back to Toronto and lived closeby in a lovely senior’s residence for 2 years, a few blocks from my home. But, her condition was becoming so bad that I moved her into the apartment in my home. Again, we were fortunate in that this was possible. I did what I could, changed the bathtub to a step-in, installed a ‘stair chair’ etc. Because I was just downstairs, it was easy to clean and sometimes cook for her, take her to the doctor, and shop for her. Our whole life together changed, we often went for wonderful drives (which she loved) or out for a meal. (I have a map in my head of which restaurants have ground floor washrooms and places with handicapped parking.) She could walk a little, but really hated the wheelchair.
‘When necessary you will find the resources’ Kimby and it sounds like you are beginning to. I can understand your father’s resistence to a ‘home’. Some older people adjust easily and are happy, others do not. It can be very disorienting to be taken from your home of 40 years and put in one of these places. For as long as possible, I would (and did) opt for keeping an older person in her familiar home, with whatever extra home care was necessary. My mother was happy being near me and my brother lived close by. Although I was by far the 'chief caregiver'. This seems to be comman with male and female siblings, the daughter is somehow expected to step in. Especially if you are unmarried and the brother is married with children.
Another thought might be to move your parents to a small house nearby to where you live in Wisconsin. Researching senior’s residences near you is a good idea, if not necessary now, it may be soon and often the ‘good’ places have 2 -3 year waiting lists.
You are doing absolutely the best thing in going to be with your mom and dad and getting a true feel for what is going on. Oh my god…the hospital lost your dad’s hearing aid! I can assure you that this increases disorientation! Once I was sick and lost most of my hearing for a week…totally confusing to me and I was 32! Whether they are at home, or one of them is in hospital, or a home of some kind, you need to be on top of it, daily. Years ago my mom was in hospital for one of her heart attacks, she was on the wrong drug combination causing horrible nightmares AND her meals contained items with huge amounts of sugar…she was severely diabetic as well.
It sounds as though you are carefully putting together a team of caregivers to enable your parents to live at home. If you don’t have Meals on Wheels in the area, I would arrange to have someone local prepare and deliver meals. This person might love to do this and could offer some delicious and healthy fare. With all the confusion, I think your parents need this and lovely, well prepared meals are essential in the healing process, physically and emotionally..very stabilizing and enjoyable.
The taking of daily drugs is very significant. My mother used the 7-day dispenser, but, her memory was fine. The problem if there is disorientation is that your parents may think they’ve already taken them and miss the day, or, double dose. Perhaps if someone is coming on a daily basis, he could monitor this?
Kimby, its all overwhelming at first, but slowly everyone adapts, you are doing the best that you know with your awareness. Its confusing and unhappy at the beginning but it is another stage of your life and it becomes easier with each day, for all involved. No matter what, your mom and dad seem vibrant and still living life acutely. They may develop interesting friendships with some of the caregivers, my mother certainly did!…and many other positive possibilities. Take care and let us know how you are doing.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 4, 2010 9:24:24 GMT
Another day, another raft of progress, with just a few bumps in the road. I am taking all the good advice you're sending my way and incorporating it into our care plan.
As to my frame of mind, ever since they began...I won't say "failing" because it's more of a retreating from their previous life...I have taken each change initially rather hard, shed a few tears, then lifted my chin and decided to accept the "new reality". No more whitewater canoeing. No more traipsing around the country in the motorhome, no more skiing for Mom after the hip surgery, no more short-term memory for Mom, seeing them start to actually look "old" and walk old and feel old. They have been Energizer Bunnies as long as I've known them, and now they are winding down. Lots of "new realities" to come to terms with.
The hardest thing for me is the uncertainty. I always thought they'd go out with a blaze of glory, perhaps drowning in some whitewater river, or going through the ice with their snowmobile. In my mind, they would skip the getting old stage, and like James Dean and Marilyn Monroe, remain young in my memories. I never pictured them wasting away in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes (partly because they have an advanced directive that says they don't want extreme measures taken to prolong their lives), or losing their mind and rotting away in an old folks home. If I could choose, I'd have them slip away in their sleep one night. But I don't get to choose. I also have to worry that they might choose to end their lives if it gets too bad. Dad has said if something happened to Mom he wouldn't want to go on. He has a houseful of hunting firearms and could easily take himself out if he wanted to. Would that be better or worse than a slow undignified hospital/nursing home death?
But enough with the morose meditations. Today was a good day. We had visits from a caregiving agency, a visiting nurse, a physical therapist, and their personal physician, who still makes an occasional house call! Before I met Dr. O, I was suspicious of the quality of his care for my parents, but now I'm his biggest fan, next to my Dad. And the neat thing is that the doctor is a big fan of my parents - of their attitude and the way they've lived their lives - even though he did not know them outside his practice. His goal is to do what can be done to keep them in their own home for as long as possible. Since that's their goal, too, I'm glad he's on our team. I was particularly impressed that when he was discussing Dad's condition, he spoke directly to him, explaining the science of it all, honoring Dad's science background with a scientist-to-scientist approach. And this was done despite the profound hearing difficulty without the aid. Dr. O laid out the treatment plan which is really more of an evaluation plan, since they don't really have a diagnosis besides the pneumonia he had on admission to the hospital. Despite having CT head scans, MRI of the head, echocardiogram of the heart, 2 chest xrays, there is no real explanation for his sudden onset of profound disorientation.
But whether he needed to be in the hospital or whether it was making him worse to be in an unfamiliar setting where they wake you up every hour or two all night long, is still not clear to me. He did little but sleep and get up to pee for 6 days, and it was a shock to see him when I arrived in a cab from the airport on Wednesday. Mom however seems better, so that's a big help. She still can't remember shit (at least not recent stuff), but otherwise she's good. But it was obvious to hospital staff that they couldn't release him into her care because his safety could not be assured.
Since we got him sprung from the hospital, though, he's much better. And after today's meetings, I'm feeling very optimistic that things will be allright. Till the next setback. A visiting nurse will come check on Dad 2 days a week, and will set up his meds and vitamins/supplements in a 7 day box. A physical therapist will work with him on building up his strength and balance, and getting him steady going up and down the stairs in the house. And we signed up for a two-visit trial with a housekeeper-cum-assistant who will come in every 2 weeks to clean, change bed linens, take the laundry to the laundromat, purge the fridge of old stuff and make up a shopping list, take Mom shopping or do it without her AND make a meal before leaving. And remind them to take their pills. For all this, they will pay $66 per 3-hour visit! Though it's set for every other week for now, if they like it - and like the person that the agency assigns to them - they can increase it as much as they'd like, up to and including 24 hour assistance in their home, and even an escorted trip to their cabin or other destination. If it ends up being as good as it sounds, we're in luck! And, the doctor plans to get a home health referral for Mom too, so her medicines can be counted out for her when his are. No more tackle box full of miscellaneous pill bottles arranged in an order that only Dad knew, and only when his mind was clear. (They still can't rule out a mistake with his medications as a reason for his disorientation.)
I thought they might resist some of these changes, and they did balk just a tiny bit before relaxing into the notion that they were being cared for and that these changes - so hard to deal with when you're old - will help them stay in their home. Mom's been chief cook and bottle washer for 65 years, and is ready to let someone else take some of that on.
Several people asked about meals on wheels, yes we have it, through the village Senior Center. Besides the delivered meals, there's also a "nutrition center" where a noon sit-down dinner is served weekdays for a donation of $3 per person. If you can't drive, they run a bus route to pick up seniors for 50 cents each. There are also buses that take you shopping, to Walmart and the mall, for example. And activities, if you're so inclined. So far my folks are not. They ate a couple meals at the center some years ago, but didn't like going there. "There's too many old people there!" It will be interesting to see how this evolves.
It's very late, and I'm done inventorying socks and unders, done pulling the linen closet apart and removing the hopelessly torn sheets and ratty towels so the nicer ones are easier to find, repapering the shelves in the kitchen cupboards because the old shelf paper had deteriorated like the pages in an old book that wasn't made with archival materials. As an inveterate hoarder myself, I find it much easier to pull apart my folks' caches of stuff than my own, and am able to do it in a way that doesn't threaten their feelings about the stuff because I know how they feel.
I am enjoying some quality time with my parents that I wouldn't have had otherwise - and without the distraction of dividing my attention between Mr. Kimby, my sisters and my parents. My being here has allowed Dad to come home from the hospital and hopefully will help keep them here for as long as it is feasible once I go home. I'm also enjoying visiting the town I grew up in and seeing what's changed and what's the same, and wondering which of the middle-aged folks I see at the grocery and the Friday fish fry might be former classmates of mine.
It's a holiday weekend and though the weather may not cooperate, we won't have any more meetings till Tuesday, so we can get a lot done around the house and yard. And maybe share some photos and stories about "life in the olden days", before it's too late.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2010 18:00:36 GMT
That sounds great, Kimby. You really seem to have things well organized. Are your siblings of any help in this matter, or have they left this entirely in your capable hands now (like my brother did with me)?
Treasure every moment that you can spend with them.
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Post by bixaorellana on Sept 4, 2010 19:18:49 GMT
Really good to read this very encouraging message from you, Kimby. It's hard to read, as well, because of the identification factor. Knock wood, my folks are okay, but like everyone else, they're not getting younger.
Hope you don't mind, I took some of bits from your very brave and moving message so I could answer them one by one.... have taken each change initially rather hard, shed a few tears, then lifted my chin and decided to accept the "new reality". I really admire how you've handled this, Kimby. Instead of hand-wringing and panic, you were clear-eyed and practical. And the way you've accepted "the new reality" has preserved your parents' dignity, something that can be snatched away from the elderly in this kind of situation.I always thought they'd go out with a blaze of glory ... But I don't get to choose. I also have to worry that they might choose to end their lives if it gets too bad ... Would that be better or worse than a slow undignified hospital/nursing home death? I've wondered about that, too. It's a problem we can't help but see from our own perspective of wanting to never let go, which is why people sometimes decide to choose their own exits, rather than having it decided for them.... the doctor is a big fan of my parents - of their attitude and the way they've lived their lives - even though he did not know them outside his practice. His goal is to do what can be done to keep them in their own home for as long as possible. Since that's their goal, too, I'm glad he's on our team. I was particularly impressed that when he was discussing Dad's condition, he spoke directly to him, explaining the science of it all, honoring Dad's science background with a scientist-to-scientist approach. And this was done despite the profound hearing difficulty without the aid. Dr. O laid out the treatment plan which is really more of an evaluation plan ... The essential courtesy of honoring the elderly person as a responsible adult cannot be dismissed nor over-estimated. I was appalled and angered when I would go places with my grandmother. Yes, she was tiny and she was old, but every bit the woman she'd always been. To have a saleslady say to me, "What size are her little feet?" when my grandmother was standing right next to me, was to insultingly cast her as a child. sorry -- personal rant
It rather sounds as though the doctor is co-opting your father into his own evaluation, which is excellent.Since we got him sprung from the hospital, though, he's much better. And after today's meetings, I'm feeling very optimistic that things will be allright. Till the next setback. Kimby, you are walking a tightrope between healthy optimism and trying to be realistic. Try to remember that good things are as likely to happen as bad things. Also, in reading brochures, comments from friends, etc., don't ever lose sight of the fact that old age is not a disease and being old doesn't automatically mean dementia. Hope that doesn't sound like lecturing. I truly can't imagine anyone handling this as magnificently as you have. I thought they might resist some of these changes, and they did balk just a tiny bit before relaxing into the notion that they were being cared for and that these changes - so hard to deal with when you're old - will help them stay in their home. Mom's been chief cook and bottle washer for 65 years, and is ready to let someone else take some of that on. Now or in the future, you might also want to consider some kind of device(s) that would allow your parents to call for help if needed. Here's a hits page from google: www.google.com/#hl=en&newwindow=1&q=devices+so+the+elderly+can+call+for+help&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=&pbx=1&fp=58ee3fffef7ac16dSeveral people asked about meals on wheels, yes we have it, through the village Senior Center. ... There are also buses that take you shopping, to Walmart and the mall, for example. And activities, if you're so inclined. So far my folks are not. They ate a couple meals at the center some years ago, but didn't like going there. "There's too many old people there!" It will be interesting to see how this evolves. If you happen to know a friend of theirs who uses any of the Senior Center services, maybe that person would be willing to put a bug in their ear about it. You could also check online for a website for the local center or maybe get brochures from it to show your parents. .. inventorying socks and unders, done pulling the linen closet apart and removing the hopelessly torn sheets and ratty towels [etc.] ... and am able to do it in a way that doesn't threaten their feelings about the stuff because I know how they feel. That's a big job, but once done will have far-reaching positive impact. Certainly it will make so much of daily life feel less overwhelming to your parents.I am enjoying some quality time with my parents that I wouldn't have had otherwise ... Is anything more important?! You all are enriching each others lives right now. ... we won't have any more meetings till Tuesday, so we can get a lot done around the house and yard. And maybe share some photos and stories about "life in the olden days", before it's too late. What an ideal situation under the circumstances. You'll be able to see them function as themselves in their own environment with no distractions. Also, you'll be able to pinpoint any tweaks to the system you could make before you leave. The experience of sharing the pictures and stories with them will be all the richer with no other people around, as you said in an earlier paragraph.
Kimby, again ~~ thanks so much for opening this painful subject up for general discussion. And huge thanks for spelling out your experiences as they've occurred. Your clarity of purpose, open admission of the fears, and step-by-step layout of how each thing in your parents' situation was dealt with constitute invaluable guidelines for others in the same boat.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 4, 2010 19:25:15 GMT
My sisters are way ahead of me in this. I feel like I'M the one who's been shirking.
The sister who lives closest (3 hours away) has been driving up once a month to stay with them overnight and deal with their paperwork. This is quite complex as they have a business in the basement (scientific glassblowing) that has been in operation since 1947. Though my parents are pretty much retired from glassblowing, they still have enough work to keep their long-time employee occupied, which keeps him checking in on them every week day. Plus they can deduct 1/2 of their home utilities, etc. from their taxes because of the business. And it even still makes a little money.
My Dad's "setback" was poorly timed, as the helpful daughter was in the midst of a move: her home was sold, the movers were coming on Tuesday and they were moving into their new home on Wednesday - Friday. The other sister lives in San Francisco and is completely out of leave time at work (from previous visits home), but was willing to jump on an airplane if I didn't do it first.
Since I am essentially retired & volunteer workers don't have to ask permission to leave, I am the logical choice, though it took some convincing to get Mr. Kimby on board as we are in the midst of building a lake cottage ourselves. But now that I'm here he says I can extend my stay if need be.
The more I am around my parents, the more I wonder how safe and capable they will be by themselves - between visits from the home health nurse (2X per week), the new housekeeper/assistant (2X per month to start but infinitely increasable to 24 hours per day now that we are in their system), and their employee (5 days a week) and his family who have expressed willingness to help with transportation etc., they will still be left to their own devices for large chunks of time.
The doctor told Dad not to drive (he hadn't even thought of driving since I am here, but also hadn't considered that he shouldn't drive) but the doctor didn't object to Mom driving the familiar routes to market and laundry, etc., in this village where they've lived for more than 60 years.
My efforts to get stuff done are being thwarted by Dad's ambitions to complete projects that he's been wanting to do for awhile. I enjoy being his helper again and can totally lose track of time helping him with his inventions, but it isn't getting the rain gutters cleaned out, the lawn mowed, or the laundry done. And they have run out of dog food (and can't remember what kind they buy - the package was tossed long ago), and are out of kleenex and light bulbs and all sorts of things. Yet we have 6 tubs of margarine in the fridge and numerous boxes of plastic bags (sandwich, both zipped and not, quart size zip and slider closures, 2 kinds of gallon-sized bags, etc. etc.) It's hard to toss some of this stuff as I'm finding items in packaging from the 50's. The backs of the cabinets are stuffed with museum props!
But we soldier on. They're napping now, post lunch, and I hope we'll get to the big city to shop. Can't go alone till I know they will be OK on their own. And I really need their input on what brands they buy, or they might not recognize that the item they seek is right in front of their eyes.
It's interesting. As I contemplated this trip from Montana, I couldn't imagine that a week would be long enough to accomplish anything, but now with a lot of items crossed off our list, I feel less stressed and more rational about their situation. They are still my parents, not quite the same old parents, but often enough they are themselves, and I find it easy to forgive their faltering. Their attitudes are good and they are uncomplaining. And best of all, despite petty bickering (which I hope will decrease when he gets his hearing aid back and can hear what she's saying), it's sweet to watch them together. They hold hands and hug and go to sleep in each others arms as they have for 65 years.
That's all I can write now.
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Post by Jazz on Sept 4, 2010 19:59:25 GMT
Kimby, you are indeed ‘soldiering on’, and, remarkably. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. This thread is very valuable and I have sent the link to two friends who were thrown suddenly into this situation and were having huge problems adapting… shock, confusion, denial…all of it. Your honestly in writing has helped both of them in their attempts to come to an understanding of how to proceed and I can already see the lowering of their stress levels. On behalf of both of them, thank you.
It’s wonderful that your entire family is participating, believe me that is not always the case. You chose a good man to share your life with.
Everyone’s contributions here are valuable. So many people here are going through this and, many soon will be. My feelings are close to Kerouac’s…treasure every moment and, you will never, ever regret this time and effort.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 5, 2010 7:37:31 GMT
A successful outing! Shorter than I would have liked, though.
After the post-lunch nap we piled into their car (new in January but already with over $8K of body damage repaired: a lane dispute with a semi-truck and a U turn in a blinding rainstorm that probably took out someone's mailbox). We brought the dog, plus a pair of Mom's granny panties and one of Dad's tshirts, to try to match them. Mom knew her panties came from Sears, but we had no idea where his special silky synthetic fiber tshirts came from. The west side mall was new when I last drove there, and now decades later the area is much changed. Dad was able to navigate me there with only a little uncertainty, and didn't make any mistakes or get rattled when I made a wrong turn. We got a parking place close to the store (this will be easier when they get their handicapped hangtag for the mirror) and walked into Sears. In that short distance Dad got wobbly, so we found the patio furniture section of the store and parked him and Mom there while I raced around getting what we needed. Since they cut the tags out of all their clothes (itchy), it was hard to find an exact match, but I think we did on the granny panties. There were no Tshirts that weren't cotton, but I found some "tagless" tshirts by Haines and I could tell by holding the two shirts together that they were about the same size. Picked up a half dozen white pillow cases as there are almost none in their linen closet.
Went back to the outdoor furniture section to gather up my folks and Dad perked up as we passed the tool section, remembering that there was a cordless drill/flashlite set that Consumer Reports had really liked, so we found a salesman who helped us find it. Though young, he was very patient with my inarticulate, soft-spoken, almost stone-deaf father. He did pitch the 3 year extended warranty plan for $18, though, which Dad was ready to go for, bless his heart, but he shouldn't even be buying 12 packs of toilet paper at his age! I reminded him that Consumer Reports advises against extended warranties for most things, saying in the long run you come out ahead without them, so we didn't get it.
We asked for directions to the RadioShack in the mall and were told that it was down the corridor and to the right, so off we went. Like a pack of tortoises. Keeping an eye out for wobbles so Dad wouldn't get hurt if he fell. It turned out to be a very long corridor, so we rested when we came upon a seating area. Then we trudged on. Detoured into the restrooms (I was worried someone would have an emergency before I figured out where the toilets were). RadioShack was just a few steps more.
Because the hospital had lost Dad's hearing aid, we were looking for a device that amplifies sounds. A very helpful clerk directed us to a $24 deck-of-cards-sized device that hangs around your neck into which you plug in an ordinary pair of headphones or earbuds (not included). We wanted to try it out before buying, and the clerk broke open 2 packages and supplied batteries. It worked immediately. It's amazing! (Tonite we listened to low-normal volume TV for the first time in years, and he was understanding it better than when he cranks it up with his hearing aid in.)
That was fairly taxing, so I left the folks on a bench by the exit door and went to bring around the car. We headed across the highway (again with Dad's navigation) to Walmart. They stayed in the car with the dog while I speed-shopped and we were homeward bound, taking the scenic route along country 2-lane roads through farms and marshy fields, with Dad pointing out landmarks and reminding me that a 4th grade classmate of mine had lived in a certain house at the crossroads. A lot of his memory is intact. His problem seems to be speech as much as memory.
As it was getting late, Dad suggested hopefully that we pick up a rotisserie chicken, so we pulled into the local grocery and he and I went in to shop for dinner while Mom waited in the car. He had his heart set on some deli salad or side dish that he could not find the words to describe, only that it had olives in it. He lingered in the produce section, which was encouraging. Better than being drawn to the potato chip aisle.
We had a cocktail before dinner, and Dad "carved" the bird. It's hard for me not to jump up and do for them the things that they will have to do on their own once I leave. (The pill thing is particularly hard for them, as it's a change from the system he'd devised and used for 5 years.)
After dinner, I fired up my laptop and we had a slide show. Pictures of their visit with us in Florida last December, and of our recent hiking trips. Also of the lake cottage construction, pointing out where "their bedroom" will be, though I suspect they will never actually visit us at the lake house.
I helped him insert his camera SD card into the slot on his new TV so we could watch his pictures of my niece's graduation, the Otis reunion, his hunting trip last fall, their trip to visit the California sister...
Then at midnight they toddled off to bed. A "new normal" day. I was surprised by two things today: that clerks and others were so patient with him, and that I am feelng no embarassment at being seen with these frail and failing old people. It's like I know what exceptional lives they've led so it doesn't matter if those who see them now can't imagine that. I'm certainly less likely to complain about my own withering skin and loss of muscle mass, now that I've watched them deal with equanimity with their loss of function in their late 80's. It helps that they have a good sense of humor. And each other.
Time for bed. This visit has me so wired I don't get into bed till way late, and I can't pull near all-nighters too many nights in a row.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2010 10:37:26 GMT
I see by your hours of posting Kimby that you are indeed putting in some long days and nights. Please take care of yourself as well. Much of what you have shared sounds all too familiar. Although,overwhelming and daunting,it will get easier in some ways until the next crisis... Acceptance is key to all of this. I leave on Tuesday for my visit to my mother's,always a bittersweet time. As everyone for the most part has stated,cherish these moments that you have,I plan to. Take care.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 5, 2010 15:28:21 GMT
So my leisurely weekend of completing chores around the house has taken an abrupt turn. Mom woke up realizing that if we don't get to the cabin soon and empty the refrigerator at least, the fridge could be ruined. We are thinking of making a day trip up there tomorrow to take care of details, alert a neighbor to their condition and likely infrequent (if ever) return visits, and perhaps enlist help in taking the docks out when it's time. Dad mentioned running the gas out of the mower and stabilizing the gas in the boats, but that isn't so important. They miss the place and I'd love to take them there, but hope that doing so doesn't cause a setback on the progress we're making here. If we go, it will be Monday. Lots to do today before that can happen. And Dad seems a bit unsteady this morning so we'll see. (I can cherish the moments here or there, but wonder what is best for them.)
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2010 15:32:57 GMT
I and my two colleagues in the same situation have discovered how kind all of the clerks and other employees (as well as the "general public") are when we take our mothers out. There are generally looks of understanding and compassion.
One of the very first things that I discovered is that young hoodlum types are practically the most protective of old people, and they jump up instantly to give up a seat or open a door when necessary.
I am the only one still able to take my mother to a restaurant (mmm.... yesterday we had a papaya and prawn salad, beef with onions and scallops, squid and prawns with lemon grass, followed by a pecan McFlurry from a different establishment), and I stick to six different places which all seat us in the easiest seat to the entrance, and two of them also manage to 'isolate' us a little from the other customers, which I also appreciate when I am picking food out of my mother's lap or wiping her mouth.
My parents also had their favorite pick-up items for easy dinners in Florida, usually chicken wings and New York style potato salad from Winn Dixie. If the store was out of some item they always bought, it was a major dilemma, because they were unable to improvise. I stopped worrying about them always eating the same things (which is what old people do), because they didn't have any nutrition problems, but I was happy to vary their diet during my visits, even if some of my efforts were met with less success than I had hoped.
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Post by bixaorellana on Sept 5, 2010 16:23:53 GMT
Kimby, I think you should take heart from your parents' concern about winterizing around the cabin. This is a positive sign that they continue to be their practical, responsible selves and likely to maintain the order you've reestablished in their home.
I hope that all of you are up for going tomorrow.
Ask your dad if they have a handyman there. If not, check with a neighbor for a recommendation. Maybe someone could be hired for the day to deal with the mower and boats and any other chores while your dad supervises. That would keep him from getting overly tired and put your parents' minds at ease about the place.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 5, 2010 23:49:08 GMT
You know the world wouldn't end if the mower didn't get winterized. But it might mess with Dad's peace of mind. So we are planning on an early start and a day trip up there - it's a 2 hour drive. Will stay through supper, then head home (too bad it won't be dark enough while we're there to light the lighthouse).
We'll be back tomorrow night and on Tuesday we have a 9:30 audiology appt., another nurse visit, OT meeting, PT appt (and we haven't done ANY of the exercises she left us with, but we have been going up and down the stairs and walking back and forth the length of the house doing these projects).
And then Wednesday morning, I leave. Maybe.
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Post by bixaorellana on Sept 6, 2010 0:53:35 GMT
I felt like I needed to go rest just from reading your latest post. You have gotten SO MUCH accomplished in the time you've been there. I wonder if the stair climbing and traveling the length of the house in order to complete projects, i.e., produce something, hasn't been physically and psychologically better for your dad than repetitive exercises. I hope you aren't running on sheer energy and can grab a little rest before tomorrow.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 6, 2010 4:35:36 GMT
I HAVE been pretty wired lately. There's so much to do that it's hard to break it off and go to bed, even though my parents toddle off to bed at midnight. Earlier than that tonite, for our big day starts early tomorrow.
It's so easy to make old people happy. Change a lightbulb they can't reach, reset a light timer that got out of whack during a power outage, things like that. I find my Mom's temperament is much less prickly as she loses short-term memory. I'm surprised, but very glad, that she isn't angry or depressed about it. She's mellowing out. Dad complains that he's losing his mind when he can't think of the words for something, or can't make us understand what he's trying to describe, or loses his place in a story. He was treated for depression but his "happy pills" didn't seem to make him real happy. Being hospitalized and then getting out of the hospital seems to have made him happier. I think a large part of his depression was mourning the loss of companionship with his spouse of 65 years. She's not the intellectual she used to be, and can't share the responsibilities of their life. As he sees his own abilities decline, it probably scares the crap out of him that he won't be able to keep it together. I think they both are relaxing a little with the caretaking we've been setting up for them. But they're still going to be on their own for large chunks of time between visitors.
Off to bed for me now, I'm the designated driver tomorrow!
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Post by bjd on Sept 6, 2010 8:10:10 GMT
Speaking of treating older people systematically for depression -- I have read several articles in the NY Review of Books saying that older people are often given anti-depressants that they don't need. It is simply that doctors and younger people think they should always be cheerful, whereas getting older is just not fun and they don't pretend any longer.
There was an interesting editorial in the NY Times the other day that psychiatrists (and drug companies) are pushing to classify grief as a mental illness. To treat "grief" after a spouse's death, for example, instead of letting normal grief run its course. Hence the happiness of pharmaceutical companies.
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Post by bixaorellana on Sept 6, 2010 15:31:20 GMT
Perfectly put, Bjd. It's not just old people either, get-happy pills seem to be the universal panacea now. The crash effect of going off anti-depressants can be dramatic, which of course leads to "SEE -- he/she really needed them", which leads to more pills. I also think that in the course of seeing more than one doctor, a person can be prescribed so many different things, perhaps with no explanation at all, that it's easy to lose track of what is supposed to do what. It seems common for people to be taking one medication with a side-effect of upsetting the stomach, for instance, so they're given something else to soothe upset stomach. Sorry, this is my prejudice, but it seems that too often seeing the doctor for anything means you'll be given medication, when perhaps time or some timely advice is all that's needed. We're well trained to accept that medication is the answer to everything and that aging is a sickness, so obviously old people need medicine.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 7, 2010 6:02:12 GMT
Yeah, Mr. Kimby and I think too many drugs are being prescribed. His dad is 90 and only takes one medication (for blood pressure). Of course everyone is different.
Dad is having a real hard time giving up his tackle box drug dispensary. While Mom - who formerly was totally dependent on Dad to set up her pills - has figured out the 7 day boxes (with one row Sun-Sat for MORN and another row for EVE), Dad seems flummoxed by it, and isn't at all confident that it's right, even though the home health nurse set it up.
It's things like this that make me wonder if they will need more supervision than we've currently signed up for. In addition to their employee who is there 5 days a week, they'll have visits from a home health nurse 2X a week, there'll be a housekeeper every 2 weeks for a morning, and assorted PT and OT visits.
Dad will probably want to fire the housekeeper, while Mom will likely want to have her come every week if not more often, to grocery shop and make a meal.
It's going to be real hard to monitor the situation from afar....
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Post by Kimby on Sept 7, 2010 6:50:29 GMT
The cabin outing was most successful. We left the house at 7:45 and got there around 10:30. Did a walking tour/inspection of the whole place, including the 2 boathouses, archery target, dog cemetery and the treehouse. One of the trees formerly supporting the tree house had broken off and fallen into the pond, but since Dad had added a pole for support on that corner some years back when he was still strong and energetic, the treehouse still stands, though it's sagging to the point that the screen door no longer closes. (If Dad was his old self, he'd jack it up and level it. I'm not that handy, or strong.) Neither of them went up the ladder, thankfully. After lunch, we worked together to fix a non-cooperative garage door opener, replace more lightbulbs, cut the grass and run the gas out of the mower, use the leaf blower (thinking of you, casi) adding stabilizer to its gas, empty the fridge and freezer of perishables, remove vastly outdated (1989 vintage) juice bottles and other items from the closet, make up a shopping list for their next visit (as well as a "do not buy" list of items she already has multiples of: margarine, hot dogs, granola bars), and make contact with a neighbor who has strapping teenaged sons - and a tractor - about getting their help to take the docks out. We should have done that today, but they normally use the boats till early November, and Dad thinks they'll be back to pull out the docks later, and I really don't want to dampen his enthusiasm. Maybe he will return, maybe he won't. But it won't be the end of the world if the docks get damaged by winter ice. I can't treat him like he's halfway in the grave already. He may go suddenly, he may hang on a long time. I want him to be as happy as possible, given the conditions. We really got a lot of mileage out of our day trip, even watching the lighthouse blink on and off during dinner, as the days are shorter now. After dinner, we washed and put away the dishes, packed up, locked up, tested the burglar alarm, and set off around 8:30, arriving at home around 11. They reviewed their calendar (3X, Mom's short-term memory is shot) for tomorrow's appointments (audiologist, home health nurse, PT and OT), took their meds, and headed off to bed, almost an hour earlier than usual. Guess I tuckered them out. But it was so worth it. On the way home, I pulled off the highway to dump the trash at a rest area dumpster, as the home cans are overflowing with stuff I've been pitching out around here. One more day to tie up the rest of the loose ends, then I fly home on Wednesday. At least that's the plan. Will be hard to leave them, not knowing how they'll do on their own.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2010 7:39:48 GMT
It was very important, too, for my father to remain "in charge" as long as possible. He never hired a teenager to mow the lawn, because that was his job, even at age 86. However, at the end he did not protest when things were done for him, and he appreciated the assistance, even when I took over the sacred chore of doing the barbecuing.
My mother was tougher to deal with, because her memory was fading fast, but she was in denial and would insist that she could still do things. When I was visiting my parents, I was allowed to take charge of everything, but the moment I would leave, the fighting would start again, and it was pretty ugly.
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Post by bixaorellana on Sept 7, 2010 16:02:03 GMT
Kimby, your message above was the first thing I read on anyport this morning and will give me a vicarious boost for the rest of the day.
I think what Kerouac said about his dad wanting to maintain control over his environment and your dad wanting the same is extremely important. On the one hand, we want to think our parents can continue taking care of themselves, even though they're physically weaker because of age. On the other hand, there's the impulse to fret and to want to help, something that can be irritating to people regardless of age or physical condition.
My stepfather occasionally asks me to help him do stuff such as hang blinds because he worries about feeling dizzy on the stepladder. Since he's that realistic, it keeps me from worrying about his over-extending himself if no one is around to help.
It's obvious you know that, Kimby. I so admire you for being able to take a really deep breath so that you could step back from the subject of the docks and adopt an attitude that's good for you and for your dad.
Even though your mother's short-term memory is bad, it's encouraging that she's aware and re-checks stuff such as her calendar. Between the help you've set up and your parents' basic mettle, it looks as though they'll cope just fine after you leave.
Thanks for this pleasant update and for the wonderful photograph.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2010 16:44:23 GMT
Yes, the photo is wonderful, Kimby. I couldn't see it at the office and just discovered it now.
You done good, girl.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 8, 2010 3:56:45 GMT
Well, I've either stayed one day too long, or more likely, should be staying a few more days. On the one hand there's so many more things I could do - stuff around home was neglected in favor of the cabin daytrip - mowing the lawn, typing up lists, etc. - and the Labor Day holiday has really screwed up everyone's schedule, including the home health nurse we were assigned, who did not call today and so I will likely not even talk to, much less meet with before my trip to the airport.
On the other hand, I'm nearing the edge of my ability to cope. Too many unfinished tasks piling up while being pulled in all directions. Three phone messages to return while the physical therapist wants to ask me questions. Mom asking questions about my cryptic notes in her calendar. Etc. Mr. Kimby called today to see how it was going, and criticized the decision to not pull the docks and turn off the well pump. He thinks they won't be going back for a while if ever. I was in tears at that thought, and couldn't even speak for a minute. But he's not here, and doesn't see the support system we're building. I'm sure there are huge holes, but hopefully none big enough for them to fall through. Tonite we drove to friends for dinner, and I asked Mom to drive so I could observe her. She was cautious and slow, but did fine. Even on the return after dark, though she relied on Dad to tell her which way to turn. I feel bad about the huge pile of papers and bills I'm leaving for my sister to take care of on her overnight visit in 8 days. And I didn't get around to either the lawn or the rain gutters. I think we will need a lawn service, maybe next year. But we had a frank talk tonite about the future, and Dad expressed his concerns and his optimism that it will be OK. He's good with the fact that everyone's goal is keeping them in their house as long as possible.
Sometimes I just want to split myself in two and send 1/2 back to Mr. Kimby in Montana while the other half stays here indefinitely. I predict I'll be making a repeat visit before long, perhaps with Mr. Kimby as fixing things is more his cup of tea.
Gotta run - too much left to do before I leave for the airport in about 10 hours. And sleeping should be one of those things, but we'll see.
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Post by mickthecactus on Sept 8, 2010 8:16:03 GMT
Kimby, this is bring back a lot of memories that I don't want bought back but it's still the first thread I turn to each morning. I was lucky enough to have Mrs Cactus around who was brilliant. You're brilliant too and you've done a superb job - there isn't much more that you can do.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 8, 2010 18:50:25 GMT
Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement. By staying up most of the night and skipping my morning shower, I was able to finish almost every task and leave things in relatively good order for the caregivers and my sister who will be there in only 8 days.
Our goodbyes this morning were not traumatic, because Mom and Dad had to leave for the clinic for a followup chest Xray for Dad, to see if his "pneumonia" is resolving, or if there is something else that is making his lungs look abnormal. I had Mom signing checks for all the bills I got paid this morning and we stuffed them in envelopes and stamped them as she and Dad were on their way out the door. The clinic is about 5 blocks from their home, the supermarket another block and the laundromat a few more. The village is only 8K population. Couldn't ask for much more benign living conditions for the aging driver.
The good doctor put him back on Aricept, I found out when I called home and spoke to the home health nurse. Why, I don't know, but at least now that I've met Dr. O, I'm no longer suspicious of his abilities and his motivations. He genuinely cares for them and they love him.
I'm on my way back to Montana, writing from Denver International Airport. I wonder how soon I'll be heading back...
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