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Post by htmb on Sept 17, 2019 16:23:45 GMT
I’ve signed all my own forms. It was not an emotionally easy task, but was completed two years ago. My children and daughter in-law all have electronic copies, and my attorney has the originals.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 17, 2019 20:16:28 GMT
After tiring of being asked at every medical visit if we’d completed our “Advanced Directive”, we finally bit the bullet and did it. Our hospital/clinic makes it very easy, giving you two sets of documents to choose from: a straightforward no-nonsense form, and a touchy-feely warm fuzzy version with questions like “What sort of music would you like played as you are passing?” (Guess which version we chose.)
Once we filled it out, it was filed at the hospital as well as stored electronically by the state.
Now we need to write our wills. Last time we did this all 4 parents were living (and younger than WE are now) and we named them as our heirs...
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Post by kerouac2 on Sept 17, 2019 20:23:44 GMT
I am in the same quandry about that. When you have no children, it is often quite complicated. I have two nephews but they are both doing very well. I am understanding more and more all the commercials about making a legacy to an association or a charity, but I have not yet come across a single one that clicks and makes me think "yes, that's the one!"
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Post by Kimby on Sept 17, 2019 22:24:16 GMT
Why stop at one charity, K2?
Simple on-line wills can allow you to break up your estate into fractions: Say 50% to The Nature Conservancy, 20% to Oxfam, 10% each to the public library and children’s theater, and 5% to each of your nephews. You can also direct disposition of personal items: my book collection to Aunt Mary and my father’s watch to my brother. If one of the beneficiaries pre-deceases you their share is divided among the others if you haven’t specified a successor beneficiary. Something like that.
The Kimbys have no real good excuse for not doing this already.
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Post by kerouac2 on Sept 18, 2019 5:06:12 GMT
Condolences to your wife. Were your children close to their grandfather?
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Post by bjd on Sept 18, 2019 6:01:15 GMT
Condolences to your family, Whatagain.
We have never filled out any forms either, nor a will. We have 3 kids and grandchildren but we should actually think about it.
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Post by htmb on Sept 18, 2019 6:56:41 GMT
My condolences, whatagain.
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Post by whatagain on Sept 18, 2019 12:50:30 GMT
Thanks. Kerouac yes and no. They saw him a lot but he was not the kind who would cajole - he would drive them to and from musical schools and things like that but would not okay a game with them and would watch telly instead. They are much closer to the grandma.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 18, 2019 13:34:37 GMT
Sad times for your family, whatagain, but now let the healing begin.
Hopefully his wife will have a few good years before it’s her time.
Then many decades before it’s YOUR time...but do get your papers in order.
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Post by Kimby on Dec 28, 2019 20:09:06 GMT
The quiescence of this thread is a good thing, I hope. Either no one is dying or no one is LEFT to die, meaning WE are now the older generation. The aging ones, and too soon, the dying ones...
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Post by cheerypeabrain on Dec 28, 2019 21:31:15 GMT
In my family, aside from two ancient aunts my sisters, brother and I are now the old ones.
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Post by lagatta on Dec 29, 2019 0:56:19 GMT
I'm glad she has that bit if pleasant and (relatively) guilt-free time to enjoy herself.
I'll have to write a will too. Not that I have much to bequeath, and at present what I have would go to the person or people who take care of my cat. I do have some books and documents valuable for certain historical research centres.
It is mostly a matter of what I definitely DON'T want to happen, such as a religious funeral and burial. Some religious people can be extremely malicious towards non-believers. Not that my family were particularly religious, but one cousin I scarcely know is. And oddly, in the Protestant bible-thumper way. The Church has a hell of a lot to answer for, but somehow seems less malevolant than the Evangelical fundies. She called me after my (violent) brother died. I didn't want any kind of fruitless argument, so I just thanked her, but no, I didn't want any reconciliation and want such a thing much less when it is utterly pointless.
I actually do have aunts and uncles from the older generation. Stubborn old buggers. Some are pushing 100, as mum was. Youngest uncle "only" in 80s.
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Post by kerouac2 on Dec 29, 2019 5:27:45 GMT
My grandmother lived another 19 years after my grandfather died, and those were probably the best years of her life. My mother lived another 11 years after my father died, and those were probably the worst years of her life.
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Post by questa on Dec 29, 2019 8:00:03 GMT
Get your papers in order and allow for what happens when children are involved. My parents had a shared business and my younger brother (9). and me (12). Both left the business and the kids to the other parent. My father died of a coronary aged 53...mother died 6 weeks later from gastric ulcer rupturing .42 years old. Mother had made a new will but had not signed it. Her parents were horrible vindictive people who she did not want to come near us. So she pencilled in her uncle to be our parent. He pointed out he was 80s and in no way could take on 2 pre-teens.
And that, good people. is how one becomes a ward of the State. Check whether your Will will have back-up clauses for if your first choice is unavailable If anyone is interested, there is a crazy story for the reading!
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Post by cheerypeabrain on Dec 29, 2019 9:52:43 GMT
Gosh Questa...you didnt have it easy did you dear heart? I'd read that story.....
The 'best' funeral I ever went to was my BiL's hippy one. No service, natural burial in a wicker coffin, a few words by his closest friends, lots of his favourite music at the graveside whilst all his loved ones danced and reminisced....then off to the pub for drinkies and food...and more music. Obviously the weather helped it go well...and the setting (Forest of Dean)
That'll do me.
My Dad survived my Mummy by 20 years. Before Mum died us children were all very close to Mum and had a loving but distant relationship with Dad. He would spend time with our husbands whilst us girls were gossiping with Mother. After Mum died there was a brief period of shuffling about as we were united by grief... but when the dust cleared we had all formed a much closer bond with Daddy. I'm happy that we had time to get to know him properly...altho I'd rather have done that with Mummy still round! 3 of her sisters developed dementia in their 80s so at least she was spared that.
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Post by kerouac2 on Dec 29, 2019 16:22:55 GMT
I am happy that some people find solace in a priest or other religious official, but it is not my case at all. Even though I put up with it, I felt extremely offended when my grandmother died that an unknown priest came to ask a few questions before the service in order to pretend to say something about her. My grandmother had left the village eleven years earlier and these village priests in France now cover at least 5 or 6 villages since there are so few priests now. So the only people they know are the fanatical religious bigots. He had no right to say anything about my grandmother but he came out with his standard speech and my mother and I just sat through it for the sake of the "believers" filling the church. I have not set foot in the village church since that funeral in 1992. I buried my mother's ashes alone (my brother didn't feel like coming) because nobody else had the right to pretend to mourn her.
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Post by onlyMark on Dec 29, 2019 16:41:03 GMT
When my mother died the vicar came to our house and asked some questions about her and slipped in a few comments at the cremation. It wasn't badly done considering he'd never met her. That is what she wanted and she said that the funeral wasn't just for her, like a wedding isn't just for the bride and groom. But my father, who was at that time still compos mentis, said straight afterwards, not do to that for him and in fact, just burn and plant me without a fuss. We did.
The funeral people who we engaged took him to the crematorium then later picked up his ashes - my brother an I weren't even there and both in different countries. Some weeks later we both went to the UK, got his ashes and deposited him in the same hole as my mother and as he had said, on top of her because that is the position she liked the most. My opinion is that if the deceased wants a ceremony, then go and have one. If they don't then don't bother unless it is important to the survivors.
When I die, best for me is to get burnt then rent a really fast car in Germany, get someone to go flat out on the unlimited sections of the autobahn, open the window and chuck me out bit by bit. Watch out for blow back though.
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Post by bjd on Dec 29, 2019 19:19:59 GMT
When I die, best for me is to get burnt then rent a really fast car in Germany, get someone to go flat out on the unlimited sections of the autobahn, open the window and chuck me out bit by bit. Watch out for blow back though. So you saw The Big Lebowski?
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Post by cheerypeabrain on Dec 29, 2019 21:31:53 GMT
As has been mentioned, if you find solace in having a religious ceremony then that's great. Whatever gets you through. Not for me tho. Over the past few years or so we've lost many family members, too many...and with a couple of exceptions they all wanted non-religious ceremonies. This means, if you want a ceremony you need to find a celebrant. This man or woman comes along and spends an hour or so with the family, making notes about the deceased. Then he or she will conduct the ceremony. It just never felt right, even tho the family produce their own order of service, choose the music etc...The celebrant conducting my sister's funeral basically read out what I wrote for him, but added unnecessary and unhelpful comments. He also conducted a service for my uncle recently and a close friend of the family. Hashed up both and waffled on for far too long. As did the celebrants for other funerals we've been to....
Nope.
The celebrant we had for my Mum on the other hand was brilliant, he was a priest but was happy to conduct secular funerals. He said to us "collar on or collar off?" The service was hugely comforting. We got the same chap to do Dad's and he allowed us to do most of the talking...just guiding us really. He's retired now unfortunately. Just a natural burial ground followed by a celebration somewhere nice and not common. That'll do me.
Good grief...why am I talking about bloody funerals??? Sorry medears...
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Post by questa on Dec 29, 2019 22:19:53 GMT
Good grief...why am I talking about bloody funerals??? Sorry medears... Because anything and everything should be talked about...not necessarily here, nor at the women's knitting group but at the right time and place. I had a friend in the 60-70s who declared he was a Wizard...one of Life's true originals. He used to say if you can't talk about Religion,Sex and Death in one sentence you are not truly free. (degree in Philosophy then employed as official wizard in residence at a major Uni)So...we have discussed God and Death...now for the good part.... Read any naughty books lately?
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Post by lagatta on Dec 31, 2019 3:40:40 GMT
No, it isn't a depressing topic. I probably must go to my violent brother's funeral, but will take advantage of the occasion to distribute copies of will to relevant rellies just to tell them that I'm an atheist and NO religious funeral or burial in a churchyard. There are so many people scattering their ashes on Mont-Royal that they probably need queues as at a supermarket. Horrid cousin might want some weird post-mortem reconciliation with violent brother. I'm not at all happy he died; in late 60s he was probably not a menace to anyone, but I'm not going to lie.
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Post by questa on Dec 31, 2019 9:35:38 GMT
Lagatta. You don't have to go to their funerals, tick off to a movie instead. You owe them nothing so don't feel you must mourn their passing. As for your own non'religious cremation...Muslims and others believe the body should be buried ASAP. Arrange with your medical team that as soon as you die your funeral director does the necessary stuff and you can be cremated 1st thing in the morning, before the news has got around. You can then have a memorial service (wake)at your leisure.Don't invite the ones that give you bad vibes. "Last laugh Lagatta"
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Post by cheerypeabrain on Dec 31, 2019 10:20:28 GMT
My sister wants a no frills burial, no service just a prearranged thing where the funeral director collects the dearly departed and disposes of their physical form. The family can have the ashes if they want otherwise they're 'dealt with'. My BiL won't allow it. Says he wouldn't be able to hold his head up in the village. So it really depends on who goes first really.
I suppose I ought to start thinking about what we want to do, the very thought of losing my beloved just causes me so much pain that I find that I can't deal with it at all. If we had a funeral plan in place then the stress would be diminished a bit for the one left behind. My parents had sorted theirs out and paid for everything so all we had to do really was turn up. I'd like to save my loved ones as much of the pain and expense as possible, they can still contribute to the arrangements obviously.
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Post by Kimby on Jan 5, 2020 23:46:08 GMT
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Post by mossie on Jan 6, 2020 12:01:02 GMT
A very interesting article on a difficult subject, which I will have to return to.
Don't feel sorry for me, but my recent accident has really shaken me up and set me back. I have no intention of losing my independence and moving from here. I have excellent neighbours and am overwhelmed with offers of help. I have just returned from a supermarket trip chauffeured by my next door neighbour. The other side has also offered to take me out in their car when necessary, I have stopped driving at the moment and will review the situation in a few weeks time.
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Post by htmb on Jan 6, 2020 14:06:49 GMT
It sounds like you’re playing it smart, Mossie, by taking one day at a time. You have had a bit of a trauma, so you need to treat yourself well. Very nice that you have such helpful neighbors, too. Hang in there. Hopefully, after a bit, you’ll feel like your self again. Wishing you all the best.
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Post by whatagain on Jan 6, 2020 14:31:17 GMT
Hang on Mossie. You have good neighbours because you are a good neighbour to them. Be sure that if you were a pest nobody would offer you a lift. Wishing you the best.
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Post by mich64 on Jan 6, 2020 16:34:55 GMT
Wonderful to hear you have caring neighbours Mossie and wonderful that you are accepting their genuine offers to assist you right now. Day by Day, the best advice. Take care of you.
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Post by mich64 on Jan 23, 2020 19:11:01 GMT
My father told me on the weekend that he thinks he will be selling their home in the spring and they will be moving into a retirement home. As some of you may remember, last year he was planning to sell and move into an apartment. After much discussion and problem solving over most of his worries, we thought they could enjoy their home and gardens for a few more years.
However, I understand his motivations more clearly now and realize there were other issues he was not ready to share with us yet last year. I was unaware of the degree of my mom's health issues up until the past few months. So it was not surprising to hear of his new plans.
I was happy to hear of the location he is contemplating as I am assuming he is considering giving up his vehicle in the near future as well. Quite close to this home, actually just a short walk down the street, is a branch of his bank, a small grocery store, a pharmacy, a postal outlet and their doctors office. I requested a brochure be sent to me via email today so I could have an idea of the costs. I was surprised, $2500/month for a one bedroom apartment, 807 sq.ft. This does not include a meal plan but in future, if they choose, that can be added. I had expected the cost to be higher. I think my dad has also enquired.
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Post by bixaorellana on Jan 23, 2020 19:19:38 GMT
Sounds as though your parents have made a well-considered decision, Mich. The location sounds ideal, with all those amenities so close by. Since I know what my mother is paying & what the various services cost where she lives, I would say that's an attractive price for the place your parents have chosen. Really, their place is better than where my mother is, since they won't need transportation for every little thing.
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