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Post by kerouac2 on Jan 23, 2020 19:31:09 GMT
That sounds pretty good.
I will never forget when it became obvious that I had to do something about my parents how I would announce that I was going "shopping" and would lurk around retirement homes. Every single one of them that I saw, I knew that my parents would never accept such a place in a million years.
After my father died and the situation became even more desperate due to my mother's mental condition, I found a place during a visit that really seemed quite nice. It had wings like the spokes of a wheel (yes, exactly the same way that a lot of prisons are built), but it all converged to a sort of village area with a little shop, library, doctor's office, etc. It was all indoors and under cover and air conditioned -- this was central Florida, after all. In any case, it would only have been temporary, but they didn't have any openings, which is what put me into turbo drive to bring her back to France. Meanwhile, I paid a fortune to a company called "Wellness Solutions" for a sort of companion who looked after her at least 8 hours a day. I didn't regret the expense, because my mother would call her at all hours to tell her "you have to come RIGHT NOW!" and the woman would do so (bored retired housewife getting easy money).
The only thing that offended me was once my mother was in France, I sent a thank you note to the woman and never heard from her, as though my mother had never existed.
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Post by bjd on Jan 23, 2020 19:46:23 GMT
I called my mother today and found that she sounded a bit confused. I sent her some photographs the other day and she didn't seem to understand who was on them. I said, "Did you look on the back? I wrote the date and names." She just kept repeating, "You have a lovely family." She told me that it was understandable that she couldn't figure out who was who because of her age but I told her that she reads all day, every day, so reading the names on the back of a photograph is not difficult.
Most of the time she is lucid, so her saying, "I don't seem to be getting it" was a bit troubling. She puts all her troubles down to her age (94) but she has completely stopped complaining about physical ailments.
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Post by Kimby on Jan 24, 2020 0:11:49 GMT
I was so grateful that my Mom, who had been brilliant and graduated suma cum laude from college and grad school, was unprotesting and accepting of her declining mental status. Instead of fighting it and becoming belligerent or angry she rather gracefully said simply “I don’t know.” And continued watching her bird feeders or playing solitaire. It did bother me that she became rather withdrawn socially, and finally quit talking almost entirely.
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Post by mich64 on Jan 24, 2020 14:52:32 GMT
Instead of fighting it and becoming belligerent or angry she rather gracefully said simply “I don’t know.” My mom is having days of both reactions. I hope they do select this particular retirement home, while it is nice and has a good reputation, the bonus is indeed how close it is to what they will need. So yes Bixa, them not having to rely on transportation/shuttles for everyday tasks will make this transition easier on them. I hope they get a ground floor unit where this is a patio so perhaps she can still do some pot gardening. I will never forget when it became obvious that I had to do something about my parents how I would announce that I was going "shopping" and would lurk around retirement homes. Every single one of them that I saw, I knew that my parents would never accept such a place in a million years. Living in a smaller city, the choices are limited here so I did not have to do much of a search. But, thankfully there are two acceptable choices and he picked the better one, Marina Point. It is also very close to the waterfront where we have a beautiful boardwalk with lovely gardens.
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Post by Kimby on Jan 25, 2020 1:16:14 GMT
Sounds like the place Mr. Kimby’s parents chose in Ft. Myers, Florida, and though they had loved the Sanibel house they had lived in for 20 years, they were quite happy about their decision.
I hope your parents, mich, are has happy as my in-laws were.
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Post by Kimby on Mar 21, 2020 19:33:48 GMT
I’m feeling the worry and fear my friends are having for their aging parents during the coronavirus pandemic. Whether they are at home or in a care facility, there are worries about their health, and anxiety because most visits are curtailed to prevent the spread of the virus to this most vulnerable population.
I think I just stumbled onto the only positive of having lost all of our parents in recent years. Now we only have to worry about our aging selves!
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Post by kerouac2 on Mar 21, 2020 20:57:22 GMT
I felt relieved, too, that my mother is no longer around.
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Post by questa on Apr 5, 2020 3:51:55 GMT
Did a great sermon on the theme of the short lives. That are more full than some long lives full of emptiness. Something I was quite receptive to. One of my favourite little poems which I think is excellent for funerals for young people... by Sir Walter Scott Sound , sound the clarion, fill the fife! To all the sensual world proclaim, One crowded hour of glorious life Is worth an age without a name.
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Post by whatagain on Apr 5, 2020 8:40:20 GMT
🥰
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Post by Kimby on Apr 5, 2020 15:27:53 GMT
Some US nursing homes are “allowing” worried adult children to take their parents home to care for them, since the facilities are vulnerable to coronavirus infections and families can no longer visit their elders in the nursing homes, as an effort to deter spread of virus.
Even though out of work people may now have the TIME to care for their elders, they may not have the strength, experience or supplies necessary to do the job.
It would be rather like pitching the elders overboard...
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Post by kerouac2 on Apr 5, 2020 15:52:19 GMT
That is both a good and a terrible idea, but I see mostly the terrible aspects. If they get sick at home, they will still be sent to the hospital where it is likely they will die in isolation. And if all goes well through to the end of the pandemic, returning them to the nursing home seems incredibly cruel.
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Post by kerouac2 on May 8, 2020 15:52:56 GMT
I read that at the nursing home where my mother lived, for a capacity of 119, they had 11 deaths, and 21% of the residents tested positive for Covid-19 (because it was at least one of the places where they tested everybody).
Meanwhile, in the good news department, I saw that in Belgium a construction worker who had no work was using his cherry picker (elevated platform) to lift families up to the windows of their aging parents for a visit. I'm quite sure that the experience was memorable for both parties.
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Post by bixaorellana on May 8, 2020 16:18:12 GMT
Well, that is the niftiest thing I've read all day! What a kind and imaginative thing to do.
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Post by bjd on May 8, 2020 16:27:08 GMT
I just called my mother. The senior's residence she lives in has 200 apartments (studios or 1-bedroom for couples). They have had no Covid19 deaths. She told me everyone had been tested, the place was locked-down as soon as the virus hit Ontario, and they have their temperatures taken every day.
No visitors for now though.
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Post by buferson on Jun 3, 2020 19:27:46 GMT
I'm late to this thread. I stumbled across it somewhere and recognize several names from TA. My parents were 40 and 50 when I was born. I started this process of caring for parents in 1967 when my father had a heart attack my senior year of high school. He recovered, but it was slow. He had prostate cancer 10 years later and I helped my mother care for him for three years until he died at age 79. I lived 50 miles away, but spent a lot of time going back and forth. My mother had gall bladder surgery a year later and I was back on the nursing track. I realized then that she wasn't doing well mentally. Not long after my move 300 miles away and the birth of my daughter, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 72. I tried all kinds of ways to keep her in her home, but it just wasn't possible. My brother lived a few hours from her, but was no help ever. I moved her to my home for a while, but with no family around I couldn't deal with two toddlers aged 3 and 73. She lived in a wonderful nursing home, but still a nursing home. I visited a lot until another transfer took me 4 hours away. That started my monthly drive back and forth...for 4 years. She died in her sleep at 82. It wasn't the route I would have expected to travel with family life, but I've never looked back. I did what I could at the time and with the circumstances. My daughter, now 38 is a wonderfully compassionate adult. I think it's partly due to the time she spent helping as a young child to do what we could. We're working now on down-sizing and moving to be near her. She's thrilled that we're making the effort. She knows what I dealt with and also what my husband did long distance for his mother. Thanks to all of you who shared your stories here. It's a journey that takes us where we don't always want to go. We all have to make our own way.
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Post by kerouac2 on Jun 3, 2020 20:08:45 GMT
Another sad story and therefore… welcome to the club.
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Post by bixaorellana on Jun 3, 2020 21:43:02 GMT
Thank you, Buferson. You distilled so much that many of us can identify with into your account. Only people who have lived through that kind of experience can know how hard it is. It's truly wonderful that the family experience resulted in your daughter becoming a good and compassionate person. Best wishes on the next chapter of your life and thanks so much for telling your story here.
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Post by lagatta on Jun 3, 2020 22:30:03 GMT
I also had elderly parents. Not all the baby boom was horny veterans rushing home to marry sweetie. Many people could not contemplate marriage in the Depression, less still in the War. My mother was 42 when I was born, Dad was older. This was incredibly difficult in the years of the Generation Gap, not to mention my dad's litany of smoking (and probably industrial-pollutant) related diseases. Personally, I'm very happy that here we have made great progress towards the right to die (rather than being kept "alive"). Not that I want to die, but being kept in such a state is far more horrific, and at some moments demented people (thinking an uncle) are sadly aware of their state.
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Post by mich64 on Jun 4, 2020 2:15:39 GMT
One result of COVID19, my parents are staying where they are for now. They feel they are safer remaining in their home. We get their groceries and do their banking. They are getting out a little, my dad still drives and they take their time driving around the outskirts of the city. We stopped by last week to take out the patio furniture from the shed so they have been enjoying some nice days under their carport.
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Post by whatagain on Jun 4, 2020 3:29:39 GMT
I consider i deserve a discount on my purgatory time each week when i go fetch my in law. She spends one night with us then i drive her back. The rest of the week she stays at her home, completely alone in times of Covid. So, obviously when she is with us she talks. Talks. Talks. I asked her to bake a cake with the kids but she prefers to wash the linen... i will never understand, but that is another story.
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Post by kerouac2 on Sept 5, 2022 15:35:15 GMT
I had a long discussion with a friend today about his mother. She just turned 80, looks 70, but is going downhill fast. She babbles incomprehensibly and not even her companion knows what she is trying to say. When she says real sentences, they are to express confusion such as "who is that man?" -- her companion of 15 years. She still recognises her son, but for how much longer? So my friend is quite distressed although he holds no illusions about where this is going -- I certainly told him plenty of things about my own mother over the years. Physically, the woman is in perfect health, so this could drag on for years.
I told him that one of the first things to do is one of the most difficult -- he needs to have a discussion with his mother's companion (who is 70) about power of attorney and the various upcoming legal matters...
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Post by Kimby on Sept 11, 2022 23:42:49 GMT
If you have aging parents who are still coherent, keep in mind that you will have to write their obituary some day.
Look at this time as an opportunity to do an oral history with them, taking notes “for yourself” that will come in handy when the time comes.
My parents wrote their own obits long before they died, leaving blanks for date and cause of death, age, and years married. They filed them with their wills and other papers and never mentioned them to us kids. What a nice gift. Kids often don’t know much about their parents’ life before their own arrival on the scene.
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Post by Kimby on Aug 12, 2023 20:18:56 GMT
Today's topic is not aging parents, but aging cousins, as my generation has now become the older generation.
I have recently returned from a family reunion and am distressed to learn that more than one of my cousins are dealing with cancer. My oldest cousin is almost 80. We have already lost a few cousins in the past few years.
So glad they chose to hold a reunion instead of waiting for a funeral. It was a joyous event. My heart is full.
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Post by whatagain on Aug 12, 2023 21:28:04 GMT
My generation is turning into the 60ers. Well I am the last in the 50s. So far so good.
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