|
Post by mickthecactus on Feb 17, 2012 13:04:26 GMT
I had my picture taken with REM. That's me in the corner.
To the man in the camouflage jacket and crutches who stole my wallet. You can hide but you can't run.
What does my wife do? It's hard to say. She sells seashells by the seashore.
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work beekepers are going to be furious.
|
|
|
Post by onlymark on Feb 17, 2012 14:01:24 GMT
My type of jokes.
If I may add?
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
|
|
|
Post by lola on Feb 17, 2012 14:51:46 GMT
This is one of the few jokes I remember in its entirety:
You go into the bathroom, you're American. You come out of the bathroom, you're American. What are you when you're in the bathroom? European.
OK, another: How do you get the musician off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza.
OK, another musician related one because they happen to strike a chord: "Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician." "Son, you can't have it both ways."
|
|
|
Post by lola on Feb 17, 2012 14:57:22 GMT
I also have a soft spot for Ole and Lena jokes, but can't remember any just now. (Regional, Minnesota USA, Ole and Lena being spouses. Often mildly salacious.)
|
|
|
Post by lola on Feb 17, 2012 15:09:27 GMT
Using my research rather than joke memory skills:
Ole wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife, Lena, aside, and said, "your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn t have to do anything himself."
On the way home Ole asked with a note of concern "Vhat did he say?
"Vell," Lena responded, "he said it looks like you probably von't make it."
and Minnesota all over:
Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared.
"Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.
Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said:
"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.
A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared:
"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out.
"Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?"
"Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Feb 17, 2012 15:12:39 GMT
Using my research rather than joke memory skills: Ole wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife, Lena, aside, and said, "your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn t have to do anything himself." On the way home Ole asked with a note of concern "Vhat did he say? "Vell," Lena responded, "he said it looks like you probably von't make it." and Minnesota all over: Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared. "Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street. Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said: "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street. A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared: "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out. "Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?" "Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage." Ah, Lake wobegon jokes......
|
|
|
Post by onlymark on Feb 17, 2012 15:59:20 GMT
OK, another musician related one because they happen to strike a chord: That was as funny as the joke.
|
|
|
Post by lola on Feb 18, 2012 13:39:30 GMT
Thank you, Mark. I guess the father-son one wasn't a "silly" joke as much as a deep philosophical one with tragic overtones.
Mick, bingo on the Woebegon. That Minnesota Nice thing is genuine. (If I may ask a side issue question, where does someone in the UK listen to Prairie Home Companion? We've always gotten it on local National Public Radio stations. I heard the musician ones on their annual Joke Show.)
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Mar 7, 2012 17:02:12 GMT
Thank you, Mark. I guess the father-son one wasn't a "silly" joke as much as a deep philosophical one with tragic overtones. Mick, bingo on the Woebegon. That Minnesota Nice thing is genuine. (If I may ask a side issue question, where does someone in the UK listen to Prairie Home Companion? We've always gotten it on local National Public Radio stations. I heard the musician ones on their annual Joke Show.) I listen to it on BBC Radio 4 Extra but it's called the Garrison Keiller (sp) Radio Show.
|
|
|
Post by mickthecactus on Mar 7, 2012 17:02:59 GMT
Did you know Bixa has 2 Mexican firemen in her town?
Jose
and Hose B.
|
|
|
Post by htmb on Sept 27, 2012 15:51:21 GMT
Stole this riddle from someone, and then also saw it on Wikipedia:
There were two cats. One was named One two three and the other Un deux trois. They challenged each other to swim across the English Channel. Who won the race?
One two three because Un deux trois quatre cinq
|
|
|
Post by mossie on Sept 28, 2012 6:39:57 GMT
She was only the foremans' daughter
But she sure liked her asphalt.
I'll get my coat
|
|
|
Post by htmb on Sept 28, 2012 13:44:20 GMT
Oh, Mossie
|
|
|
Post by mossie on Sept 29, 2012 5:46:23 GMT
Sorry about that, I spent nearly 40 years being responsible for the production and laying of well over a million tons of blacktop materials. So some of the blackness rubbed off on me.
Here is an excerpt from an old specification regarding the preparation of the foundations on which such materials should be laid. No kidding.
"Shall be well and truly laid, and rolled to refusal
|
|
|
Post by htmb on Sept 29, 2012 13:06:39 GMT
Thus giving the foundation some very human qualities. How does a foundation indicate that it refuses to move?
|
|
|
Post by bixaorellana on Sept 29, 2012 13:31:18 GMT
Does "rolled to refusal" mean to the point at which it can't be compacted any more?
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2013 22:02:53 GMT
A Chinese friend sent me this, so here it is, mistakes and all.
“ú–{�‹ž Japan Tokyo
A man accidently tore a girlfs short miniskirt in Tokyo . Before the guy had a chance to apologize, the single lady took a 90 degree bow, then said: gI am so rry to give you trouble! The quality of the skirt is not all that good.h Then she took out a pin, put the skirt back together and left.
”ü��� New York
Time Square, New York , a man accidently tore a girlfs miniskirt. Before the guy had a chance to react, the single lady pull out a name card, gave it to him and said: gThis is my lawyerfs business card. He will c ontact you about this sexual harassment. It is better that you prepare yourself, then we will see you in court.h
–@�”bêt Paris France
A French manaccidently tore a girlsf miniskirt. Before the man opened his mouth, the young single lady said with a smile: gIf you do not mind, a red rose can represent your apology.h The French man bought her a rose, then they went to a bar, and lastly, they went to a small hotel discussing what was in the miniskirt.
‰p��“Ö Thymes England In the Church Square by Thymes, an English man accidently tore the mini skirt of a young single lady. Before the English man opened up his mouth, the young lady covered her tore spot, then said with a blush on her face: gDo you mind take me home sir? I live very closech The English man took his jacket off, put on her shoulders, call a cab, then took her home safely.
’†�d� CHINA
Chong Qing, China: a man accidently cut open the miniskirt of a young lady. Before the man said anything, the young lady slapped the guy, then: gYou, the sex maniac. Dare to take advantage of me, I will send you to the labor campch
‘ä�¼�’¬ Taiwan Shimending Taiwan Shimending, a man accidently tore a girlfs short miniskirt. Before the guy started to speak, the girl smiled and said: gWe have not come up with a price yet, and you are going to inspect the merchandise?h
`��� Hong Kong In the Time Square of Hong Kong, a man accidently tore a girlfs miniskirt. She was only 18 years old. Before the man opened his mouth, the girl screamed: gXXX your XXX, you think I am the cheap close out item on the street? Watch out, I will find someone to peer your skin.h
��•€ŽR Korea On thestreet of Yinchong, a man accidently tore a girlfs miniskirt. Before the man speaks, the girl gave him a round kick, then said: gDonft you know that I am a second degree black belt in Tai Kwan Dao.h
‘×�™Ö’J Thailand
Bangkok, Thailand, a man accidently tore the miniskirt of an 18 yearfs old girl. Before the man start to apologize, the girl said with a Buddha hand gesture: gNo worries honey, ccwe all men.h
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2016 12:52:26 GMT
I thought that maybe 3 of these were a bit funny, and one of them on this list I don't even understand.
Counting down the top 15 jokes of Fringe 2016
15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word." -- Phil Nicol
14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses." -- Zoe Lyons
13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer." -- Arthur Smith
12. "I spotted a marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound." -- Roger Swift
11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first." -- Michelle Wolf
10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask." -- Jordan Brookes
9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" -- Annie McGrath
8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor." -- Adele Cliff
7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words." -- Gary Delaney
6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated." -- Tiff Stevenson
5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second." -- Will Duggan
4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit." -- Mark Smith
3. "I've been happily married for four years -- out of a total of 10." -- Mark Watson
2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one..." -- Stuart Mitchell
1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart." -- Masai Graham
|
|
|
Post by bixaorellana on Aug 23, 2016 14:14:44 GMT
Is it the Tudor one? Me either.
|
|
|
Post by htmb on Aug 23, 2016 14:16:33 GMT
You have to be a Brit to get it, I think.
|
|
|
Post by whatagain on Aug 23, 2016 14:25:40 GMT
And 15, 13, 12 as far as I am concerned.
|
|
|
Post by bixaorellana on Aug 23, 2016 14:47:33 GMT
They are puns, Whatagain.
Elton John wrote a song called Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. The word play is on sorry/soya (soya being an ingredient in Chinese food).
Instagram -- "insta" = instant / gram = measuring unit for drugs
#12 -- Marmite is a food spread made from yeast extract.
|
|
|
Post by patricklondon on Aug 24, 2016 15:56:28 GMT
And for 8, whoever delivers the line has to be sloppy about their pronunciation, as many English accents can be with the "Tu" combination: not "T-you-dor" but "chewed 'er" My blog | My photos | My video clips"too literate to be spam"
|
|
|
Post by breeze on Aug 24, 2016 17:03:08 GMT
Patrick, I never would have thought of that pronunciation. Is that widespread or regional?
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2016 21:24:31 GMT
T-you-dor, d-you-ke, t-you-na. Pretty widespread, I would say.
|
|
|
Post by patricklondon on Aug 25, 2016 8:33:21 GMT
That's the RP (="posh") pronunciation (indeed, really posh people still say "s-you-pervise" and "s-you-permarket", where the vast majority no longer do). The slippage into "chew" or something close to it was always considered a marker of "common" (lower-class/regional) speech and sloppy elocution; I don't think it's unique to any particular area. If you think about it, it's not difficult for the mouth to slip into that sort of pattern, and for an over-elocuted "t-you" to start sounding distinctly odd: And now for something completely different, and picking up on an old meme above: She's only a vicar's daughter- But they think Theresa May. There's an older version from British politics, when Margaret Thatcher was generally laying down the law to her ministerial colleagues: She was only a grocer's daughter But she showed Sir Geoffrey Howe. My blog | My photos | My video clips"too literate to be spam"
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2016 15:17:19 GMT
Ah, those "she was only" jokes. Right up there with, "Said the bishop to the actress" meme, which I use on any and all occasions.
I have a real mild RP on the "U" words, a remnant from theatre school. It was beaten into me, I can't stop.
|
|
|
Post by mossie on May 5, 2020 9:54:52 GMT
Now something different because I can't think of a better place to put it. Please keep this picture away from teenagers to prevent them copying. This was the picture on my calendar for this month, the printers must have been clairvoyant.
|
|
|
Post by questa on May 5, 2020 12:10:21 GMT
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
|
|
|
Post by whatagain on May 5, 2020 20:25:12 GMT
We have these variations about confinement. Confines Con fini Con tout court Con fortable Etc
Con = moron.
|
|