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Post by kerouac2 on May 6, 2020 15:45:04 GMT
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Post by cheerypeabrain on May 12, 2020 16:37:31 GMT
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Post by tod2 on Feb 11, 2021 13:15:30 GMT
THE BATHTUB TEST
During a visit to the mental asylum I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well, " said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub". Öh, I understand", I said. Ä normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup" "No, said the director,"A normal person would pull the plug. "Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Post by bixaorellana on Feb 11, 2021 21:35:51 GMT
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch."
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized. Suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT!" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean up the Center. And Claude was never invited back again.
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Post by kerouac2 on May 11, 2021 16:01:46 GMT
-- Why does it take countless millions of spermatozoa to fertilize just one egg?
-- Because they are male and refuse to ask for directions.
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Post by kerouac2 on Jun 21, 2021 4:12:21 GMT
Sky News published this list of jokes from its Father's Days contest:
I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off! I said "Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?" The guy told me that the price didn't include a driver… … so I'd spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!
• Why did the man fall down the well? Because he didn't see that well! • What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? "Aye Matey!" • Someone has glued my pack of cards together - I don't know how to deal with it. • What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing • I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me • I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?" - so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great. • Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field! • What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison • Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked. • What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesaurus!
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Post by lugg on Jun 21, 2021 20:07:15 GMT
Lol some I've heard before but others not so
2nd bullet point down I had to say a couple of times , but then it makes perfect sense.
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