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Post by mickthecactus on Dec 17, 2015 9:56:56 GMT
My youngest grandson, Joe (14) suffers badly from this.
Any advice to help would be very welcome. He's so lovely and it just isn't him at all.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2015 10:11:39 GMT
I just hope that Facebook and other social networks are not involved. They are killers of youth.
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Post by mickthecactus on Dec 17, 2015 10:19:52 GMT
No they aren't.
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Post by bjd on Dec 17, 2015 11:41:57 GMT
Has he been to see a psychologist or psychiatrist? Could he get a referral from a doctor?
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Post by mickthecactus on Dec 17, 2015 11:46:18 GMT
Yes, that's the next step. My daughter is seeing her GP first.
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Post by mich64 on Dec 17, 2015 12:51:19 GMT
Mick might I also suggest that they try to get him to volunteer somewhere, with the elderly, younger sports teams? Helping others may help him realize strengths he has that he was not aware of. A young girl I know had low self esteem and began volunteering at a nursing home, helping others helped build confidence in herself.
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Post by htmb on Dec 18, 2015 4:50:14 GMT
I would imagine it's a pretty complicated issue. Fourteen can be a difficult age as it is. Perhaps Joe has some understanding of why he feels this way. I agree it can often be very helpful to talk with a specialist, but finding the right one is the key. There are some really good people out there, but there are also incompetent individuals who, in my opinion, can do much more harm than good. Getting a referral from a trusted physician sounds like an excellent idea. It's hard to watch a young person struggle to come into their own, but being there to listen and to support, as you are doing, can be very helpful. Sometimes it's the little, seemingly insignificant, things that make the most impact.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2015 6:33:59 GMT
I think that seeing adulthood looming in the not too distant future must be a lot more frightening now than it used to be. "I'm never going to be able to manage on my own" could be a factor as well.
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Post by mickthecactus on Dec 18, 2015 8:48:14 GMT
Thanks Mich. That's a good idea.
I think his problems are twofold. He had a bad time at his primary school with some less than average teachers plus he has always lived in the shadow of his elder brother who has always been successful in everything he does and is the opposite - supremely confident.
The thing is that he is actually very talented for a 14 year old but just won't accept it and considers himself a failure in everything. His photography and eye for a picture are wonderful. And for his age he is a very talented cricketer and won the end of season bowling award for his team.
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Post by whatagain on Dec 18, 2015 9:54:13 GMT
Hi So I guess you made him see he contributed to the cricket victory, wy does he reject his role in it ? As for photography, maybe you could push him to a 'concours - sh... trnaslation doesn't come' some sort of challenge, or do it without him knowing and showing him the results ?
I've had one burnout (much older than 14, I was 40) and had no self esteem anymore - at all. What helped me was : - I had to take care of my children (obviously not doing the trick here, but what does he feel responsible for ? ) - love from my wife - kicks from my wife : love is not enough. - friends - some medicine (antidepressors) - psychologist.
Sorry I can't help more - our daughter had some problems too (more related to the loss of her brother, no low self esteem), slept bad etc, we took her to a psychologist, it did it. But the idea came from her or she welcome it very quickly - I don't remember - she was about 13 at the time.
All the best to you, these times are not easy.
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Post by patricklondon on Dec 18, 2015 10:22:42 GMT
Have you tried asking him what he thinks would make him a success - whether that would be in something you think he's good at and he doesn't, or in something he, and perhaps more importantly his brother, hasn't been involved in? Or what would be success later in life ( not the dreaded "What do you want to be when you grow up?"). Anything that wouldn't sound like "You're just saying that to be nice". I'm with pariswat on the photography competition idea - is he old enough to join a local photography club or evening class (if such things still exist) where he could interact with grown-ups on his own terms outside family or school dynamics? Or maybe you could go along with him? My blog | My photos | My video clips"too literate to be spam"
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Post by mickthecactus on Dec 18, 2015 10:46:42 GMT
You guys are giving me some very good ideas. Looking at it from a different viewpoint is very helpful. Sometimes you are just too close to it.
One of the problems of low self esteem is you just won't acknowledge success even when you have it. You just concentrate on the failure.
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Post by htmb on Dec 18, 2015 12:05:51 GMT
Sometime that stems from being a perfectionist and believing that nothing is good enough.
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Post by whatagain on Dec 18, 2015 21:27:30 GMT
'being a perfectionist and believing that nothing is good enough'
Perfect recipe for never being happy. I'm known as the 'pareto man' - i spend 20% of my resources to achieve 80% of my goals. And then I'm happy.
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Post by bixaorellana on Dec 18, 2015 21:56:27 GMT
Mick, is this the grandson who was sick for almost a year? If so, perhaps it's a lingering bad feeling from seeing himself as an invalid. If it was his brother who was sick, maybe he feels jealous from the attention the other one got and feels like a bad person for being jealous.
It's hard to figure what could be more esteem building than his prowess at cricket and at photography. I'm not sure that competitions are the way to build his self-esteem, if his excellence in those areas hasn't already done so. I think Mich is on to something with the idea of encouraging him to help others, maybe as a coach or tutor. It may take him outside of himself and break the tyranny of whatever impossible yardstick he's measuring himself against.
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Post by htmb on Dec 18, 2015 22:12:57 GMT
Just as an aside, I'd like to point out that many adults, viewed by society as being "successful" in their field, also suffer from low self-esteem and are constantly driven to prove themselves worthy.
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Post by mickthecactus on Dec 23, 2015 8:33:39 GMT
Bixa, it's the other way round. His elder brother is the one with ME (chronic fatigue syndrome)but he has driven himself through it.
I think you are on to something about the jealousy though.
From what I can gather people with low self esteem don't actually want success - it makes them feel uncomfortable.
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Post by whatagain on Dec 23, 2015 11:01:53 GMT
Not sure about jealousy but I suppose the elder got a lot of attention. When our son was ill, we focused on him and let the youngers 'fend for themselves' somehow, since we didn't have the time to cope with it.
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Post by mickthecactus on Dec 23, 2015 11:35:43 GMT
Absolutely pariswat.
It's Bixa's comment about feeling bad because of jealousy that caught my eye. It is quite feasible although he wouldn't admit it.
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Post by rikita on Dec 24, 2015 0:04:28 GMT
i think some of the suggestions above are quite good, like with helping people and things like that ... entering photos into a contest without telling him can backfire, personally i think doing such things against a person's wishes is not such a good idea ...
for me, when i was a teenager (though a few years older) my exchange year is what helped my self confidence most: knowing i can "survive" somewhere completely different, without my own family - and the experience of being "interesting and exotic" for a while ... though i suppose that is also something that is not for everyone (i knew i wanted to do an exchange year since i first heard about the possibility at 13). but i suppose experiences that are special but are not so much about comparing yourself to others, rather than proving to yourself what you can do, could be helpful. and i guess making sure he is shown how lovable he is, is listened to and his opinions are taken serious (but i am sure you are already doing that) ...
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Post by mickthecactus on Dec 24, 2015 8:44:40 GMT
Funnily enough he doesn't lack self confidence and in many ways can be more articulate and funny than his brother.
The recent bout occurred after he failed a music exam simply because he got something wrong in the first question and that error went right through all the other questions. That meant he told his mother he was a failure, can't do anything right, nobody loves him etc and then retreated to his room. Its a scene we have had for many years. Even when he did well in a maths exam recently he didn't tell anybody. My daughter only found out because his teacher emailed her.
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Post by mickthecactus on Jan 7, 2016 9:01:43 GMT
As an update we are pursuing the photography aspect and he went back to cricket training with his mates yesterday evening which should help unless he has a bad session when it will be back to "I'm useless".
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Post by mickthecactus on May 3, 2016 7:47:16 GMT
Well, it's just as if a switch has been thrown in the last couple of months.
Suddenly a totally different very confident boy who now gets out of bed in the morning (with the odd lapse), happy to discuss school, doing well with grades and outstanding at his cricket.
I'm not sure what we've done, if anything, maybe it's hormonal.
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 10:27:00 GMT
That's great, and my first thought would also be that a new set of teen hormones have kicked in. Maybe there is even a girl (or boy) in view.
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Post by mickthecactus on May 4, 2016 7:53:59 GMT
A big factor may be that he has always been in his brother's shadow but his brother is now away most of the week at a new school and he has everybody to himself.
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Post by Deleted on May 4, 2016 14:00:29 GMT
That is such good news, Mick. He sounds like a very smart, extremely sensitive young man, and those are my favourite kind of people.
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Post by whatagain on May 4, 2016 17:01:02 GMT
Great news ! No girl around ? Sometimes they have that effect.
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