Adult Children still at home?

[cheerypeabrain]

I can't be the only Parent on here with adult offspring living at home. In our case our son came home after Universty and is still here at 35. Circumstances (a chonic debilitating illness) mean that he can't earn enough money to live independently. His condition means that he can only work a few days per month, indeed he is lucky that before he developed the condition he had worked long enough impress his boss, so they let him just go in when he can and pay him for the hours he can do. This situation is unlikely to continue as his health is pretty poor and his 'well days' unpredictable. So my son is unlikely to progress to a higher pay grade so can't afford to rent a place of his own (he can't afford to contribute to his own keep 75% of the time).

I know of a few other Parents in our position. I love my son dearly but of course he misses out on the pleasure of having his own place, has to conform to our house rules and is not 'growing' or experiencing life as he should. This breaks my heart and I wish that there was something that I could do to help him. A lot of young adults these days only achieve independence if their Parents can afford to set them up in their own place which isn't an option for us. Not only does this affect our son, it affects us too (we live in quite a small house). Lack of privacy can be a problem for all of us.

I know that in some cultures it isn't unusual for adult children to stay in the family home. Conflict between my son and his father over our son's condition and lack of motivation to improve his life is disressing sometimes...but I just wondered if anybody else is in a similar situation? and how do you manage to maintain a harmonious household ?

[bjd]

Fortunately, we do not have that problem and our children all live away from us (a bit too far in one case). But, would it be possible for your son to be in a flat-share situation with some other people his own age? Could he afford his own room in a house shared by others?

[cheerypeabrain]

Unfortunately the unpredictability of his earnings mean that even a shared appartment isn't an option atm bjd. We have looked into an a benefit that (as a person with a recognised disabiliity) he should be entitled to which would at least give him a small regular income. However the application forms are so constructed that it's almost impossible for him to score enough points to get the allowance, even though he was assured that he would qualify. The questions are fiendishly worded....we hope that his Consultant will write a letter that he can submit along with his application, however this government is making it increasingly difficult for people with disablities to get the benefits they should. Apparently it's fine for him to be dependent on his pensioner Parents.

[mossie]

That is tough Cheery, you have my sympathy.

I know that official forms for claiming any sort of benefit are very hard to work through, we had to have help claiming for my wife because I was not giving the 'right' answers, it is as though they are designed to prevent people getting their entitlement.

[lagatta]

Yes, the real problem there is that his disability isn't recognised when it should be. Even people with far more serious disabilities, including mental ones, do batter when they are in assisted living with people their own age. The forms are deliberately very difficult to navigate and prevent people from being able to access the benefits to which they should be entitled.

[Deleted]

Disabilities are definitely a special problem which the authorities seem to avoid in just about every country.

But for "ordinary" adult children who (unwantedly) live at home, the French have adopted the term "Tanguy" which was the title of a rather nasty French comedy a few years ago. Tanguy is a rather rare name, but it was the name of the adult son in the movie whose parents try everything imaginable to get rid of him, including physical harm. Obviously it was overdone, but it was recognised as a very real problem in current society. It has become more and more difficult for offspring to live independently especially if they hit a bump in their life, but at the same time it has become much easier for different generations to live in the same dwelling since there is no longer the problem of having to watch the same television, use the same telephone or listen to the same music as long as there is enough room to close the door for a bit of isolation.

So I think the problem is more having enough space for everybody if the situation arises. Cheery, you made it clear that it is the space that is lacking in your case, so I really hope that you can find a solution.

[rikita]

that sounds like a difficult situation, cheery, i hope there will be a way to solve it in a good way, and that he will get the benefits in the end.

i saw that movie "tanguy" when it came out, i must admit i didn't really like it, not because of the topic, just somehow didn't like the movie (can't even remember why, as it is too long ago).

as for kids living with parents, my brother b. lived with my mom until less than a year ago, he moved out shortly before his 30th birthday, at his gf's initiative (the previous gf had actually also lived with him in my mom's house for several years, and this gf lived there for a couple of months until they found a place). my mom's house is very big, though, so he lived in the second floor (but shared kitchen and bath room) - i think she did his laundry, but otherwise they each did their own thing, which i think is important - they ate together some days, but often each had their own meals and routines - the place is big enough to allow that ... he was (and still is) building up his business, so had almost no income at first as most of his earnings had to be re-invested - and has built a music studio in the house, so he is still there a lot. i secretely thought that maybe my mom also did not really want to be all alone in the house, maybe thus making it harder for him to leave, though now that he has moved out she seems fine with that (of course right after he moved out my other brother got sick and spent a lot of time there when his immune system was down too much to be at home) ...

anyway, no real point to this, other than that grown up children living with parents for a long time happened in my family, too ...

[mich64]

Cheery while I am not in your situation with a child living at home due to disability, however, I can understand the difficulties and frustrations with dealing with the process of obtaining designation and the rights to services and assistance. Obtaining speech therapy was a a constant battle until we reminded our Hospital that we knew they received funding for a speech therapist in the out-patient clinic, thereafter, they helped me for 5 years.

It took about 3 years to be fully designated and there are so many words to express the experience. Scary, embarrassing, tiring, difficult, hard, frustrating, demoralizing, surprising, educating and grateful to describe a few.

We had to learn that no one but us was looking out for my health and welfare and future. I would respond to communications of denial with requests for being reassessed, finally they actually called on the telephone and once they tried having a conversation with me, they understood all the documentation that my doctors had been submitting.

I hope to never require housing but you never know what happens in life and if I were ever to find myself alone, I know that I would have access to services to help me and that is why I went through the process.

My only advice is to keep talking with people in your community and with groups that assist the disabled to find programs that already exist or of future program planning through your elected officials. I do not know if you belong to a Church, but here they are a great resource of knowledge of Government assistance programs.

[bixaorellana]

Cheery, is his Consultant the same thing as a social worker? If so, that person should have special insight in the exact way to fill out the forms that is most likely to get the desired result, as Mossie pointed out.

I have been through the disability form filling circus (not for myself), so know how opaque and frustrating it can be. It's as though they're designed for anyone with normal thought processes to be able to understand them. I am shocked that it took so long for Mich to get results, but it's good to know it's a done deal for however she might need it in the future. In my experience, as with Mich's, perseverance finally paid off.

Since you and your husband are now both retired, having another adult around all the time must be particularly wearing.

[cheerypeabrain]

Some good news at last, altho son's condition still hasn't improved much he has been awarded personal independence payment benefit. He will be reassessed if his needs change, but if not then it stands until 2022....it's backdated to January too. It's a huge boost to his self esteem... He's also chuffed that he can contribute a small amount to his keep. I'm so pleased for him...

[kerouac2]

That sounds like good news to me. There seems to be so little re-evaluation once the authorities have decided things about adults, as though a person never changes past the age of 21...

[mossie]

Good news Cheery. Dealing with officialdom is like wading through treacle. In our case a charity helped us give the right answers to the multiple questions on the form. Form is a joke, there were several pages of convoluted rubbish. I had made one attempt, but of course had given the 'wrong' answers to a few questions, so was turned down.

[lagatta]

I'm in a similar kerfuffle with my health insurance forms (equivalent of NHS). Do to some utterly spectacular bureaucratic f-up, they think I'm a resident of Italy! I brought bills and other documents proving that I've lived in the same neighbourhood for 30 years, have had the same phone number, and my two moves were done more on foot than anything else. I was a student in Italy for some years in the 1980s, but never a legal resident there. It is like a kind of twilight zone. Needless to say, they treated me like utter shit.

It makes no sense as they have the right to look at my income tax forms, which have been duly filled out for many years and list my place of residence.

No adult children except my cat; never had human ones, but it has become a serious problem.

[questa]

Make an appointment and see your local member of parliament. Ask nicely if he/she can clarify with the Head of Social Dept to see if you can get any extra help for your son. If your MP is in government it is occasionally better to see a neighbouring MP who is in opposition. They usually like little complaints to goad the Government with.

[bixaorellana]

May 14, 2018 16:47:35 GMT cheerypeabrain said:

Some good news at last, altho son's condition still hasn't improved much he has been awarded personal independence payment benefit. He will be reassessed if his needs change, but if not then it stands until 2022....it's backdated to January too. It's a huge boost to his self esteem... He's also chuffed that he can contribute a small amount to his keep. I'm so pleased for him...

Oh Cheery ~ excellent news! Pushing the boulder of official requests endlessly up the hill of bureaucratic indifference and opacity is enough to make anyone ill, and downright cruel to those seeking the help they need. Congratulations to your son on persevering and gaining what he deserves.

[cheerypeabrain]

He's still grinning...might be a grimace actually as he's been quite poorly....

Thank you for your sympathy and support throughout our struggle 😁