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Grief
Jan 27, 2020 20:30:11 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Jan 27, 2020 20:30:11 GMT
I have been in touch with my sister’s friends, former colleagues, and old flames and our cousins, and everyone loved that girl.
It helps to hear from so many of her admirers, fans and lovers, but it keeps me pretty teary. Everyone is devastated. She was one of a kind, very special. And I’m not just saying that because I share some of her genes.
I think Mr. Kimby and I need to go out for a walk...
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Grief
Jan 27, 2020 21:49:11 GMT
Post by mich64 on Jan 27, 2020 21:49:11 GMT
I am so so sorry to read what has happened to your sister Kimby.
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Grief
Jan 27, 2020 22:44:32 GMT
Post by questa on Jan 27, 2020 22:44:32 GMT
I think Mr. Kimby and I need to go out for a walk... Oh, Kimby what a shock and sad thing to happen. You are so wise to go for that walk. Take tissues and howl your eyes out. It all happened so fast you are dealing with shock as well as loss. I feel for you and your family. Take care of yourself...sending you love...Q
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Grief
Jan 28, 2020 22:57:37 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Jan 28, 2020 22:57:37 GMT
Day 3 or is it 4? The tears keep coming, though with longer periods of relative calm. Took a couple hours of seashore therapy today, which helped a bit.
My FB feed is full of sadness, my sister had hundreds of colleagues and friends and was so well-loved. It’s a comfort to interact with all these others who knew and loved her. We’re becoming a tribe.
Meanwhile, my remaining sister (thank god I had a spare!) and I will carry on with the sister adventures, though Ricky’s absence will be keenly felt, I’m sure. Forever.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 8:55:21 GMT
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Post by whatagain on Feb 2, 2020 8:55:21 GMT
Forever. I had been told grief starts with despair then sadness and one day becomes a friendly pain. It was true for me. But if never goes away. And the absence is always more present at big events like xmas or a wedding ... where our loved ones should have attended. One thing never happens though. I feared I would start to forget him. No way.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 9:01:56 GMT
Post by mossie on Feb 2, 2020 9:01:56 GMT
But if never goes away. So true. I was vividly reminded of our daughter who died, age 19, 39 years ago last month.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 11:36:53 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Feb 2, 2020 11:36:53 GMT
I think that is probably true for most people who died "before their time."
It is not true (at least in my case) for parents or grandparents who died at a ripe old age. And it is very easy to laugh about things that happened over the years without being punished by the sudden pang of grief for having laughed.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 13:15:34 GMT
Post by lagatta on Feb 2, 2020 13:15:34 GMT
The only time I tear up over my mother, who died at 98 (and should have died at 95) is when Livia is particularly sweet or clever, as she loved cats (and other creatures) as much as I do. We didn't particularly get along, but it certainly wasn't enmity (unlike my brother) we were just very different, and of different times as she was middle-aged when I was born.
It is very different from people who die young, and certainly from one's own children or grandchildren.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 13:47:17 GMT
Post by casimira on Feb 2, 2020 13:47:17 GMT
For me, my grief for dearly departed loved ones comes on at different times.
As mentioned, holidays are sometimes difficult but then there are random times when it crops up.
A certain piece of music, a song on the radio, will trigger memories of a particular lost loved one.
Sometimes it could be something as simple as eating certain food dishes that serve as reminders of a lunch or dinner that I may have shared with a loved one.
The one constant is that it never goes away which isn't a bad thing necessarily. I don't want to forget these people but the same time I don't think it's healthy to dwell on it.
In the case of sudden unexpected deaths it's very different and the initial shock is devastating. Over time this will wane but it takes time.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 14:10:08 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Feb 2, 2020 14:10:08 GMT
Eating dishes that my grandmother used to make (or my own usually unsuccessful attempts) just puts a smile on my face. And I talk to both my grandmother and my mother in the kitchen to point out things they might be missing now (unless heaven is really heaven with a 24/7 buffet), or changes I have made to their recipes ("you would find this too spicy") or mild regrets about just not having their talent in the kitchen. They ignore me.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 14:22:16 GMT
Post by casimira on Feb 2, 2020 14:22:16 GMT
I do this as well Kerouac.
But, the thing I find myself doing quite often is wanting to really talk to my mother when I make a particular dish and can't recall certain ingredients or something important about the making of the dish. For a long time I would actually go to use the phone and call her and then realize...
Lesson learned. I should have written down the recipes.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 16:10:13 GMT
Post by cheerypeabrain on Feb 2, 2020 16:10:13 GMT
I'm very sorry to hear about your sister's tragic death dear Kimby. You must be in a state of shock after such awful news. Take care sweetheart. xxx
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 18:38:13 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Feb 2, 2020 18:38:13 GMT
I cried for four days straight, then I came up with a new way of looking at it. Instead of “what-if”ing and “if-only”ing, I arrived at this. (Pretty appropriate for a card playing family.)
“This is the hand we’ve been dealt.
There are no re-deals or do-overs.
Our choices are to keep playing, or to cash in our chips and go home.
I’m staying in the game for the love and companionship of the other players.”
And as Ricky liked to say, “The games don’t play themselves!”
For some strange reason, the tears began to dry up and I could function again. I’ve even been able to talk about her death with others besides Mr. Kimby without falling apart.
My other sister, my niece and I have created a new chat group, minus Ricky, called “(Surname) Family Moving Forward.”
Remaining sister and I will use our tickets to Arizona and hope our widowed brother-in-law can stand to see us for awhile; the rest of the time will be sister time. We know he’s not up for hosting.
In June, there may be a small family memorial at the family cabin, which now belongs to just us two, once the documents are changed, with Ricky’s ashes to be buried alongside Mom and Dad’s (and the 4 family dogs).
In September we two surviving sisters plan to go to Peru and climb Machu Picchu, which Mr. Kimby can live without. And we may take the trip we were just beginning to plan as a threesome (Scandinavia) in 2021, as a twosome. Or try to interest the widower and his daughter to join us.
Life does indeed go on.
I’m still very sad, though.
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Grief
Feb 2, 2020 20:08:05 GMT
Post by bjd on Feb 2, 2020 20:08:05 GMT
I'm glad you found a way to continue, Kimby.
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Grief
Feb 3, 2020 7:53:34 GMT
Post by spaceneedle on Feb 3, 2020 7:53:34 GMT
Kimby,
I send my heartfelt thoughts to you. My extended absence here was partly due to the fact that my sibling (I'm a twin) died several years ago as the result of a criminal act. It has taken me a long time to wade through the aftermath of that and return to things that I was doing before everything changed.
Getting a phone call like the ones you got and the one I did, is never something you're prepared for. I've dealt with the deaths of other loved ones due to old age and long illnesses, but was never prepared for the shock of a sudden and unnatural death. It's not something you can really understand unless you've had it happen to you.
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Grief
Feb 3, 2020 11:37:38 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Feb 3, 2020 11:37:38 GMT
Spaceneedle, we are grief sisters it appears. We belong to a club we never wanted to join...
If grief counseling was helpful, any insights you could share would be appreciated.
Thanks Any Porters all for the supportive words and thoughts.
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Grief
Feb 5, 2020 9:45:45 GMT
Post by spaceneedle on Feb 5, 2020 9:45:45 GMT
Spaceneedle, we are grief sisters it appears. We belong to a club we never wanted to join... If grief counseling was helpful, any insights you could share would be appreciated. Thanks Any Porters all for the supportive words and thoughts. Grief counseling has helped me, but my situation is ongoing since there is a criminal case in play which to be quite blunt, is a f*cking nightmare. All I can say at this stage is that the old adage that time heals all wounds, is pretty much true.
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Grief
Feb 5, 2020 13:36:16 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Feb 5, 2020 13:36:16 GMT
Time heals all wounds, unless another loss occurs too soon, ripping the scab off yet again...
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Grief
Feb 5, 2020 15:02:15 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Feb 5, 2020 15:02:15 GMT
I know it's not a contest but with the Auschwitz commemorations last week they once again brought out some survivors who said things like "the whole family was sent together, my pregnant sister was taken straight to the gas chamber, my parents died and then my two brothers were shot, and I'm the only person who came out alive." And they say things like that so matter-of-factly as though it's just one of those things. So I guess if time heals all wounds, after 75 years you are immune to all pain.
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Grief
Feb 5, 2020 17:19:52 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Feb 5, 2020 17:19:52 GMT
I doubt they're immune to the pain, simply have learned to recite the facts baldly.
People who have recently suffered a loss often say they hate to go shopping or to anyplace where they'll run into people they know. Obviously acquaintances will say how sorry they are and the bereaved person doesn't want to break down in public. So, the process of compartmentalizing the pain or at least learning how not to express it starts almost immediately. And as far as Holocaust survivors, they were thrust into survival mode at the same time their terrible losses occurred.
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Grief
Feb 5, 2020 17:23:53 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Feb 5, 2020 17:23:53 GMT
Yup, bixa. You nailed it.
“How are you?” is answered either with a lie “Fine, and you?”, or unleashes a torrent of words and tears, making for awkward social encounters, at least at first. I hid in the house for the first 4 days to avoid interactions.
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Grief
Feb 5, 2020 18:54:28 GMT
Post by lagatta on Feb 5, 2020 18:54:28 GMT
Yes, I have an Argentinian friend almost exactly my age, of Polish-Jewish origin. Family from Warsaw. Treblinka, not Auschwitz, so no family members survived. Somehow the young fiancés who were to be his parents got away. Think you can guess the rest of the story. No, he wasn't disappeared, but some of his friends were. He did have to go into hiding. Parents must have been utterly frantic.
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Grief
Feb 6, 2020 14:53:06 GMT
via mobile
Post by whatagain on Feb 6, 2020 14:53:06 GMT
I use the cards analogy I say the same and said you can still win poker with 4 cards instead of 5. Just harder. So you must celebrate more when you win.
As for I am fine thanks I also answered no I am not all right. In 80% of the time conversation goes on as nobody notices such an answer.
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Grief
Feb 7, 2020 0:05:43 GMT
Post by questa on Feb 7, 2020 0:05:43 GMT
I doubt they're immune to the pain, simply have learned to recite the facts baldly. Spot on, Bixa. It's even worse when you are a child. Somehow adults think it's OK to question a child about every detail of the death of parents, who is guardian etc. To them it is a story, soon forgotten, but the child is made to re-live it all. Fairly soon you put together a summary which can be delivered without much emotion.This "Readers' Digest" version becomes the official version and the adults think you are so brave to talk about your parents without floods of embarrassing tears. You just go numb.
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Grief
Feb 12, 2020 8:52:21 GMT
Post by spaceneedle on Feb 12, 2020 8:52:21 GMT
I know it's not a contest but with the Auschwitz commemorations last week they once again brought out some survivors who said things like "the whole family was sent together, my pregnant sister was taken straight to the gas chamber, my parents died and then my two brothers were shot, and I'm the only person who came out alive." And they say things like that so matter-of-factly as though it's just one of those things. So I guess if time heals all wounds, after 75 years you are immune to all pain. Dissociation is a thing.
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Grief
May 9, 2020 22:13:18 GMT
Post by mich64 on May 9, 2020 22:13:18 GMT
On Tuesday we got a frantic telephone call from my brother-in-law asking us to go over to my parents as he was preparing to call them to tell them that his wife, my dear sister, has just been rushed to the hospital in respiratory distress. We took our masks and left immediately. Twenty minutes later they received the call. She passed away Wednesday morning at 4:10 a.m.
Not soon after being admitted, she was put on a ventilator. My brother-in-law, niece and nephew were instructed to stay home due to Covid-19 and possibility she may have had it. They tested her for it, we do not have the results as of yet. However, from other tests they did when she was admitted, they believed she had a septic infection. Due to that diagnosis, they were called to the hospital at 12:00 a.m. out of compassionate reasons. We were all on messenger with him through the night and he was reading her our messages and playing music. She passed peacefully.
My brother-in-law, niece and nephew are still in quarantine until the Health Unit receives the final test results.
I am so grateful that during this horrible Covid-19 mess that my sister did not have to die alone.
We are overwhelmed with grief as we can not be together at this time but we will hold a service in future, here, as this is where she wanted to have her ashes interned.
She was the strongest yet the softest of us all. We love you Cheryl.
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Grief
May 9, 2020 22:25:10 GMT
Post by spaceneedle on May 9, 2020 22:25:10 GMT
I am so sorry to read this news Mich! I will think of you and your family during this sad time.
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Grief
May 9, 2020 22:45:30 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on May 9, 2020 22:45:30 GMT
Oh, Mich, my heart breaks for you. Sibling deaths are just so hard. At least my parents didn’t have to be told their youngest had died, since they went before her.
How are your parents dealing with this awful loss?
And how are you, dear Mich? You’ve a lot on your plate right now it seems.
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Grief
May 9, 2020 22:45:36 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on May 9, 2020 22:45:36 GMT
That is so sad and so very difficult for all of you, Mich. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling right now. My warmest thoughts go out to you and your family right now. I hope so much you all will be able to gather soon.
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Grief
May 10, 2020 1:11:25 GMT
Post by lagatta on May 10, 2020 1:11:25 GMT
Mich, how horrible... And I know there is absolutely nothing I can do.
As for my friend in Argentina, he is much happier now, as if a double cloud had lifted a bit, but at the same time, the memories of barbarisms are essential.
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