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Grief
Oct 10, 2020 21:08:59 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Oct 10, 2020 21:08:59 GMT
Thank you for telling about the celebration of your sister's life, Mich. I know how frustrating and unnatural it must have felt for you all to have to wait that long. It is interesting and heartwarming to hear you say that the delay was possibly beneficial in terms of assimilating your grief and being able to share it with others who loved your dear sister.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 0:49:42 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 11, 2020 0:49:42 GMT
Mich, I’m glad you were able to have such a lovely gathering to celebrate your sister’s life with the people who loved her.
Also a tad envious, as we have had to - again - put off a celebration of life for my sister who died suddenly in January. It was to have been in June, then maybe September, now maybe it won’t happen at all...
The small gathering was planned as a weekend at the family cabin, drawing people from Arizona, Montana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota and Washington DC. But almost all of us are in our 60s and 70’s and most would have to fly.
And now my remaining sister and I are having discussions about the likelihood of our selling the cabin, as neither my husband nor her steady boyfriend have any interest in spending time there. (It’s a bit “rustic” and you’ve got to like spiders.). I would hope we can have a gathering for Ricky before we lose the place for good, but maybe it isn’t in the cards.
At least the folks who would have attended have been sharing Ricky memories on Facebook and by text message, so maybe an in person event isn’t really necessary. Perhaps we’ll have a ZOOM memorial. Appropriate as her career was in digital initiatives in the library world.
BTW, I’ve contacted our local public library about making a meaningful donation in digital services in her memory. And my sister and I will be donating a Little Free Library to the Otis Farm Bird Sanctuary in Michigan, my dad’s family farm. Two LFL’s actually, one for adults and a shorter one for kids. Michigan Audubon will keep it stocked with nature books, and it will sit in a native plant garden with benches.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 2:56:53 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Oct 11, 2020 2:56:53 GMT
Kimby, that is wonderful that your sister is being celebrated in the digital world, and wonderful that you are able to see it as possibly the 3D celebration that has been prevented by this horrible year
The two little free libraries are just the loveliest things I can imagine!
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 13:18:12 GMT
Post by casimira on Oct 11, 2020 13:18:12 GMT
Echoing what others have said about your sister's memorial celebration. I'm glad it was able to happen and allow some peace in her being gone from your lives.
Kimby, how very frustrating and sad for you to not to have been able to celebrate Ricky's life with family and friends. Your tributes to her both with the digital and the nature libraries are fitting and lovely.
I cannot imagine losing a sibling during this health crisis gone awry. We have had two deaths of some very old friends and the same impediments and restrictions, precautions, prevented any type of memorial service for us to attend. But, an immediate family member, that would be unbearable.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 13:37:07 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 11, 2020 13:37:07 GMT
In a way, though, not having the closure of a memorial allows me to believe she’s still alive. Until reality intrudes as it does from time to time.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 14:41:47 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Oct 11, 2020 14:41:47 GMT
I saw both my mother and father for only about 5 minutes after they died and never saw them again. Since they were both cremated, I saw no point in seeing them in a coffin and looking at the dead body, since they both died when they were looking their worst (probably the case of the majority of people who die of old age). The last dead person that I had seen was my grandmother, and the morticians had done everything wrong. Both my mother and I agreed that it did not at all look like her since they had modified her facial features and used too much makeup.
I am quite happy (wrong word) to grieve alone at home if there is something about which to grieve.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 14:50:28 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 11, 2020 14:50:28 GMT
I think there’s a difference between a “celebration of life” and a funeral (aka public display of grief). Ricky’s gathering would have been a joyous celebration of her unique spirit. The wailing is over. The sharing of stories would enrich our understanding of who she was.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 15:07:05 GMT
Post by casimira on Oct 11, 2020 15:07:05 GMT
Kimby, perhaps when you and your other sister are able to finally take "that" trip together you will be able to find some type of closure in the sharing of memories with her about Ricky. Little stories and remembrances from childhood, holidays spent together, etc. can be very cathartic for a lot of people. That being said, as had been mentioned on here, everyone has their own way of grieving.
I abhor the use of funeral services with a casket. In the case of my brother the casket was closed. Even worse. I think it was traumatic in many ways to be in a room with a box on display. It always made me wonder if there really was a body in there. And, if one's imagination runs wild, one could even question as to whether or not that person really did die because one never got to see their body. Again, every person deals with these matters in their own personal fashion and families also have certain "set" ways of how they deal with family members and funerals. It is not my place to judge. This is just my personal opinion based on personal experience.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 15:36:41 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 11, 2020 15:36:41 GMT
My remaining sister and her beau will be joining us in Florida for a few days this fall.
I think that we are appreciating each other more, now that our sister who was everyone’s favorite has left us.
I hope that we will have the gift of time to enjoy each other’s company for decades. Including the trip to Peru that was postponed to September 2021. I’m also hoping we can find a destination for a couples vacation that appeals to all of us.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 16:50:50 GMT
Post by cheerypeabrain on Oct 11, 2020 16:50:50 GMT
There is a service provided here for people who don't want a funeral ceremony. The company collects the deceased, disposes of the remains and hands over the ashes if the relatives want them. I don't know what happens if the relatives don't want the ashes.
I was with my mother-in-law as she passed away but didnt see either of my parents after they died. I've never been to see a relative after they died in a mortuary, hospital or chapel of rest. The closest I've come to wanting to was when my sister died...but I just didn't have the courage.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 18:46:45 GMT
Post by mich64 on Oct 11, 2020 18:46:45 GMT
In a way, though, not having the closure of a memorial allows me to believe she’s still alive. Until reality intrudes as it does from time to time. I agree with you Kimby, that was how I was feeling. I am sorry that your family has not been available to gather together but glad to read that you will soon have time together with your sister in Florida. Having never lost such a close family member, I had never experienced the degree of grief that I have, but for myself, the process of the funeral and celebration of life were an enormous help to me. Perhaps it is because it was 4 months later, perhaps not, there is no way of actually knowing that, but I feel we are all coping much better. Thanks to all for your kind words and thoughts. They really do help when grieving.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 19:56:27 GMT
Post by lugg on Oct 11, 2020 19:56:27 GMT
I find it hard to find the right words ... but just want to say I have read your posts Kimby and Mich and I send you both hugs in the absence of words .
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 20:54:25 GMT
Post by mossie on Oct 11, 2020 20:54:25 GMT
Always a difficult time and each of us has their own way of grieving. Just remember the good things.
My wife and I were called to the hospital when our daughter died, but we were just too late. They were doing the chest compression job, but it looked hopeless and brutal as well. We went to the undertakers a couple of times to see her while waiting for the funeral, i was even able to tuck one of her favourite toys in with her. I was with my wife when she died, thankfully a peaceful death. As I am very selfish and very hard hearted neither occasion affected me very much, but I have strong memories which will never leave me.
Sorry to jump all over your grief Kimby, time will heal to some extent, but not completely.
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Grief
Oct 11, 2020 23:12:06 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 11, 2020 23:12:06 GMT
Thanks for the words of consolation and commiseration.
Grief is a fact of life for those who don’t die before all their loved ones.
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Grief
Oct 12, 2020 7:08:09 GMT
Post by questa on Oct 12, 2020 7:08:09 GMT
Buddhist stories tell of a woman whose only son dies during the night. She is distraught, not only by the child's death but her husband can cast her out for not giving him a son. She carries the child to the place nearby where Buddha is teaching and begs him to restore her child to life. Buddha says to lay the child in the shade and go into the village and collect 5 sesame seeds. However says Buddha, the seeds must come from a house where nobody has died.
The mother sets out with hope but finds that every house she calls on has had a death in the family and the families were in various stages of grief. Finally she understands what Buddha was telling her in a compassionate way.and returns to the Buddha and thanks him for his comfort.
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Grief
Oct 13, 2020 16:25:37 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 13, 2020 16:25:37 GMT
Grief is grief. It doesn’t result only from death, and it isn’t reserved only for human losses. You certainly can grieve a pet. You can also grieve other types of losses, like divorces, estrangements, house fires, and maybe even lost items. Certainly lost youth! Something I forgot to include in this list is grief over current events. I grieve for America’s fall from grace with the election of the narcissist buffoon oligarch, Donald Trump. I also grieve for the impact on Mother Earth of the deregulation espoused by the greedy corporatists who have taken over politics and our government. Species and ecosystems are endangered, climate changes that will jeopardize human existence as we know it, if not survival of the human species, the rape of wild areas for resource extraction (which in America is subsidized by century-old laws still on the books)... ...the potential loss of hardwon freedoms, like being able to love and marry whoever you want, and a woman’s right to choose. And the huge issue of wealth inequality. The loss of civility in political discourse and loss of statesmanship in governing. The pandemic, which is life-changing and horribly mismanaged. I could go on but it’s too depressing. What non-personal losses or issues are you grieving?
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Grief
Oct 13, 2020 16:55:07 GMT
Post by lagatta on Oct 13, 2020 16:55:07 GMT
The same thing: in particular in the Amazon but even near the poles. We have really fouled our nest; the main players remain corporate forces and complicit politicians (the lethal Trump/Bolsonaro AXIS but not only), but also so many "ordinary citizens" who are utterly indifferent and still buying SUVs despite living in cities and suburbs, not the bush with unpaved roads.
I'm also terribly lonely and bored (COVID isolation). That is "personal", but millions of people are feeling the same thing.
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Grief
Oct 13, 2020 17:35:00 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 13, 2020 17:35:00 GMT
Yes, lagatta, we are all missing family members and friends who we can’t see or hug during these strange and trying days. I’m even missing visiting with friendly strangers - it’s hard to even tell who is friendly when our faces are masked.
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Grief
Oct 14, 2020 4:53:41 GMT
Post by questa on Oct 14, 2020 4:53:41 GMT
I am feeling sad as I watch my grandkids growing into happy, responsible adults. Wait a bit, kids. I missed out on watching you discover the world as little kids do.I tried to get to your concerts or sports days. I missed birthdays and suddenly you are mid-teen adults. I need you to tell me about your world, but time is flashing past. You have swapped places with me as you take over my responsibilities, even calling me "Dear" in THAT tone of voice. Don't go so fast. I want you to stay with me a little longer, but it cannot be, you must move on and I'll be here cheering for you.
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Grief
Oct 14, 2020 13:43:19 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 14, 2020 13:43:19 GMT
Mixed emotions well expressed, questa.
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Grief
Oct 14, 2020 14:10:11 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Oct 14, 2020 14:10:11 GMT
I think that all of us past the half-century mark are well aware of life slipping by, no matter how hard we fight against it. The deaths and other bad news just keep piling up around us, and we know that our turn will come sooner or later.
Frankly, I try not to grieve, because it is useless.
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Grief
Oct 14, 2020 14:35:17 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 14, 2020 14:35:17 GMT
Not sure if there’s a male equivalent, but for women, the menopause can be a cause for grief, even while celebrating the end of worries about an unintended pregnancy.
No one in my life - or in general discourse that I’ve seen - prepared me for the significant impacts that estrogen withdrawal has on mood, libido, muscle mass, skin tone, and weight distribution.
The bloom of youth withers pretty quickly once the estrogen dries up. Adjusting to these rather sudden and unanticipated changes to oneself can be a grieving process, too.
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Grief
Oct 14, 2020 15:09:15 GMT
Post by cheerypeabrain on Oct 14, 2020 15:09:15 GMT
I felt a huge sense of release and freedom when I emerged from menopause...the process itself was difficult but it coincided with me losing my Mother and Mother-in-Law...so altho I was unwell for about 10 months I did recover ok...my GP slapped me on HRT quite early on, but I decided to stop that after 18 months or so. When I did that my menopause symptoms had stopped.
I didn't grieve waving goodbye to my child bearing years...but when our youngest son left home I did fall into a period of deep sadness...I really missed him. It took me about a year to get used to it just being Jeff and myself living here, eventually we started to really love our new freedom and privacy.
Then in 2008...youngest came home again. Can't see him leaving tbh but you never know, he could suddenly have a remarkable recovery fro his debilitating illness an sail off into the sunset. Families eh?
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Grief
Oct 25, 2020 22:42:46 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 25, 2020 22:42:46 GMT
I just changed my Facebook cover photo to a picture of my sisters and me taken about 40 years ago. Looking at the three of us all young and fresh and resembling each other and our parents so much made me realize something about my grief at the loss of my sister. I realized that my identity has been very much tied up in being one of three. Now that we are two, I’m kind of unmoored. I suppose the new normal will someday feel normal... I’m in the middle, Ricky at left and T at right.
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Grief
Oct 26, 2020 8:24:01 GMT
Post by onlyMark on Oct 26, 2020 8:24:01 GMT
Lovely photo. And I bet when the three of you were together you always behaved yourselves,
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Grief
Oct 26, 2020 13:36:57 GMT
Post by casimira on Oct 26, 2020 13:36:57 GMT
That's lovely Kimby. Before seeing the caption at the base of the photo that ID's who is who, I thought that you were on the far left. I was surprised when I did see the IDing and was completely thrown off.
I can also relate to what you say about your identity and also feeling "unmoored". I could never quite put what I was feeling into words and your description gave me a much better understanding.
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Grief
Oct 26, 2020 15:39:36 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Oct 26, 2020 15:39:36 GMT
Sitting down, Kimby is the tallest. True?
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Grief
Oct 26, 2020 22:22:30 GMT
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Post by mich64 on Oct 26, 2020 22:22:30 GMT
Beautiful photograph of you and your sisters Kimby. I have one similar with my 3 sisters that I treasure it as it was not often the 4 of us were together after we graduated from school.
I like the colour and styles of your dresses. Reminds me of how my mother always had us in different colours but similar styles, especially during the years she made our clothes for the new school year.
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Grief
Oct 27, 2020 23:07:10 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 27, 2020 23:07:10 GMT
Sitting down, Kimby is the tallest. True? I was the tallest woman on both sides of my family at 5’4”, til my niece grew up. Her dad was over 6’ tall. Our parents were 5’2 and 5’7. My sisters are/were 5’1 and 5’0. (I had an aunt who was 4’10” and gave birth 13 times.)
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Grief
Oct 27, 2020 23:10:14 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 27, 2020 23:10:14 GMT
Mich, the dresses were a happy accident. Must’ve been the style in 1979. My parents used that image on their photo Christmas card that year. (Unusual not to have all 5 of us on their card, right up till they died, but we girls had scattered from the nest and we hadn’t had a whole family photo op that year.)
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