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Grief
Oct 27, 2020 23:16:47 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 27, 2020 23:16:47 GMT
Lovely photo. And I bet when the three of you were together you always behaved yourselves, Mark, not so much. We reverted to our little kid selves when we got together, sometimes devolving into helpless fits of laughter. Always a good time, even if we weren’t “being good”... and in recent decades, our niece became part of the pack. She looked so much like her mother as a child that it felt like being transported back 30 years... Casi, Ricky and I were mistaken for each other for a few years in our 20’s. And people knew instantly when looking at one of us that we must be the sister to the person they already knew.
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Grief
Oct 28, 2020 3:37:39 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Oct 28, 2020 3:37:39 GMT
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Grief
Dec 25, 2020 4:52:56 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Dec 25, 2020 4:52:56 GMT
COVID has prevented us from having an in-person celebration of life for my younger sister who died January 25th from a traumatic head injury sustained in a stumble on stairs. Today would have been her 63rd birthday.
My nibling (formerly known as my niece) has set up a family ZOOM call for tomorrow so we can talk about Ricky and finally get some closure. Her husband will be on the call, along with us two surviving sisters (and our partners), and her favorite (only) niece, my nibling and their partner.
I’m a bit apprehensive. Might be a lot of blubbering. But maybe enough time has passed that it will be a little less raw. At any rate, it will be good to share some memories with those who loved her best.
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Grief
Dec 25, 2020 23:05:41 GMT
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Post by whatagain on Dec 25, 2020 23:05:41 GMT
God bless you.
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Grief
Dec 26, 2020 2:05:37 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Dec 26, 2020 2:05:37 GMT
The holiday family Zoom call was really good. Only a few tears, lots of funny stories and happy memories shared. Seven of us on four computers in four different states.
Grief is love with nowhere to go. Today our love for our lost sister/aunt/wife had somewhere to go. ❤️
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Grief
Dec 26, 2020 3:04:21 GMT
Post by mich64 on Dec 26, 2020 3:04:21 GMT
Happy to read that your family Zoom call went well Kimby! Grief is love with nowhere to go. Today our love for our lost sister/aunt/wife had somewhere to go. ❤️ That is lovely Kimby. We went to our mausoleum today to say some prayers for my sister. I do not know if it is odd, but I talk to her and tell her how everyone is doing, tell her I love her and that I miss her. It helps me and it helps my brother-in-law, niece and nephew to know that we go, that is why he brought her urn home. Sadly, because of COVID, he had to cancel his trip here next week.
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Grief
Dec 26, 2020 4:36:21 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Dec 26, 2020 4:36:21 GMT
The holiday family Zoom call was really good I'm glad it went well. That is the sort of thing that is impossible to know ahead ot time. I talk to her and tell her how everyone is doing, tell her I love her and that I miss her. I would talk to my grandmother and my parents at the cemetery until one day you go there and you feel that the soul has definitely left. I still talk to them in my kitchen if I am preparing a family favourite.
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Grief
Dec 26, 2020 14:00:02 GMT
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Post by whatagain on Dec 26, 2020 14:00:02 GMT
We went for a walk yesterday. It is a hike along hhe cliffs that we don't do thqt often. So i could see my son here or there, waiting for me, smiling. Some places hold their magic for us to rediscover.
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Grief
Dec 26, 2020 15:35:54 GMT
Post by lugg on Dec 26, 2020 15:35:54 GMT
Grief is love with nowhere to go. Today our love for our lost sister/aunt/wife had somewhere to go. ❤️ That's lovely Kimby . I would talk to my grandmother and my parents at the cemetery until one day you go there and you feel that the soul has definitely left. I still talk to them in my kitchen if I am preparing a family favourite For me that is true too K2 - you take them with you and within after a time and certain memories or traditions evoke memories and make us want to re-connect. So i could see my son here or there, waiting for me, smiling. Some places hold their magic for us to rediscover. So true. My parents have been on my mind a lot over the last few days - I think because it has been such a strange time and Christmas was always very important to us all. Also Christmas Eve is the anniversary day of my Mum's cremation so .... But I think they would be very happy knowing that yesterday Jack my son / their grandson got engaged and his now fiancé will be wearing my Mum's ring which has sat in a box unloved for nearly 20 years.
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Grief
Dec 27, 2020 0:49:24 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Dec 27, 2020 0:49:24 GMT
So glad the call went well, Kimby ~ a lovely Christmas gift for everyone
And Lugg, very best wishes to your son and his fiancée. How lovely that a special ring is carrying forward in your family.
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Grief
Dec 27, 2020 17:27:25 GMT
Post by mich64 on Dec 27, 2020 17:27:25 GMT
But I think they would be very happy knowing that yesterday Jack my son / their grandson got engaged and his now fiancé will be wearing my Mum's ring which has sat in a box unloved for nearly 20 years. A special way to begin 2021 Lugg. Seeing her wearing the ring and looking forward to their wedding in the future as well.
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Grief
Dec 27, 2020 17:34:23 GMT
Post by lugg on Dec 27, 2020 17:34:23 GMT
A special way to begin 2021 Lugg. Seeing her wearing the ring and looking forward to their wedding in the future as well. It is thanks Mich And Lugg, very best wishes to your son and his fiancée. How lovely that a special ring is carrying forward in your family Thanks Bixa
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Grief
Dec 27, 2020 17:51:39 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Dec 27, 2020 17:51:39 GMT
I’m kinda surprised we didn’t think of doing a Zoom call sooner. But we’ve never been a telephone family. When my parents called, my first thought was “Who died?”
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Grief
Dec 27, 2020 19:06:54 GMT
Post by casimira on Dec 27, 2020 19:06:54 GMT
I certainly know that feeling...
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Grief
Mar 7, 2021 0:32:07 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Mar 7, 2021 0:32:07 GMT
Part of my grief struggle has been with SO MANY losses in a relatively short time. Not “just” my parents, but having to liquidate the family home, the only home I’d known, and the family business, and put down the old family dog. (And our cats both dying, and losing my in laws...). Each new loss seemed to kick me in the gut, and rip the scab off the partially healed previous loss. There was talk of selling the family cabin, too, which was too much for me to bear on top of all the other losses, so even though none of us lives closer than 7 1/2 hours drive away, my sisters agreed to keep it for awhile, and we’ve formed an LLC to own and manage it. I get there once or twice a year, and the place is falling apart faster than we can fix it, but it has been nice to still own this place that meant so much to Mom and Dad, and where so many of my childhood memories were formed. And when we DO decide to sell it, it will be for the value of the lakefront lot (the cabin itself is a “tear down” in real estate parlance) and we 3 daughters will use the funds to finance the kind of family trips that our parents used to love pulling together for our family. I’m finding my connnections to my sisters have become so much more important to me now than ever. Now that my youngest sister has died, and none of our menfolk are interested in the cabin which is rustic in a not-charming high-maintenance way, my remaining sister and I have reluctantly concluded that it is time to let it go. I haven’t been there since June 2019, and no one has stayed overnight since that autumn. We will have realtors give us a price estimate, but two different neighbors have expressed interest in buying it and fixing it up for their own family’s use. She and I will meet at the cabin next month to remove possessions and memories that we want to keep, but both parties have said we could leave anything we don’t want and they’ll take care of it. There are two boats and two snowmobiles, lots of water toys and ski equipment, fishing gear, etc. My sister long ago removed the guns, mostly hunting rifles and shotguns, and found someone to sell them for us, netting around $7000. Mr. Kimby inherited his family’s lake condo less than 2 hours away from our cabin, so I can move what I want to keep (within reason) to that place until such time as we decide to sell it, too. The hard part is my parents ashes are buried at the cabin, and I fear losing access to that place. Though maybe if a neighbor buys it, I will still be able to visit the spot.
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Grief
Mar 7, 2021 4:57:06 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Mar 7, 2021 4:57:06 GMT
It's good to know when it's time to let go. Many people get surprised when their own time is up and they haven't settled matters from the past.
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Grief
Mar 7, 2021 5:17:17 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Mar 7, 2021 5:17:17 GMT
It's lovely that you and your sister are in accord about selling, Kimby, even though emotionally this will be painful. From everything you've said about your parents, it seems as though it would be okay with them for you two to walk away from the property & their earthly remains, taking your happy, loving memories with you.
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Grief
Mar 9, 2021 1:16:51 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Mar 9, 2021 1:16:51 GMT
Dad always told us that he knew the cabin would be a tear-down when it was time to sell it, but that we should not lose sight of the fact that the lot is worth much more than the cabin. It has 270 degree water views and a high up location for the cabin with breezes to beat the mosquitos and a low beach for the boathouse, something rare on the Petenwell Flowage.
Finding potential buyers who might not raze the place right away is a bonus that makes it a little easier to part with the place. BTW, my sister is more than ready to sell, but has been gentle with me knowing how hard it is for me.
I reached out to my widowed brother in law to see if he wanted to send us some of Ricky’s ashes to bury with Mom and Dad’s ashes at the cabin and he said yes, so we will get some closure as we leave the place where we had planned to hold her celebration of life. He’d even join us if he could, but has a conflict on his schedule.
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 14:40:55 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Mar 25, 2021 14:40:55 GMT
Re-reading this thread from start to finish is showing me how far I’ve travelled on the grief journey since Dad left us in 2013. It has also revealed that I omitted one significant loss that I’m grieving. (The next few paragraphs are background, so if you aren’t interested in minutia, skip to the paragraph in CAPS, that gets to the point.)
My niece, who now asks to be called “nibling” (a gender-neutral term for child of my sibling) is my surviving sister’s only child, just turned 29. I will call them “K”. (“Them is a gender-neutral pronoun that confuses the shit out of everyone who thinks I’m talking about more than one person, but what K requests we use.)
K was enthralled with theater from a young age, and ended up majoring in the technical aspects of theater, and going on to graduate school in costume technology. During the school year they created/modified costumes for many college productions, and during the summers they got jobs with summer stock companies in five states, and also did an internship with a prominent Chicago tailor.
A side effect of all this theater work is that they met and mingled with many people with gender fluidity, and alternate sexual preferences, much different from the people they encountered in childhood and high school in the conservative Chicago suburbs. K also met a person, “L”, that struck them as a kindred soul, and has remained with this person since, to my concerned Auntly chagrin.
After a falling-out with the graduate program director, K dropped out (one internship shy of a masters degree) and moved with L to downtown Chicago to start a custom tailor shop, specializing in creating or modifying clothing to fit bodies that aren’t standard for their gender expression. (For example transwomen who are 6’3” tall and have broad shoulders, like L.) K’s business was doing well, with 5 employees and garnering positive local media attention before the pandemic hit, and is staying afloat despite the difficulties of the pandemic.
K and L are “engaged”, whatever that means when one half of the couple is polyamorous, and I thank COVID for postponing their nuptials, ostensibly till they can gather all their friends and family for the ceremony, which I’ve heard will be a “Renaissance Hand-Binding” rather than a legal marriage, as L doesn’t believe in monogamous marriage (or bringing children into this f’d up world. Probably a good thing!)
BTW, L was born and raised male but transitioned outwardly to female soon after meeting K. K helped L to afford expensive “top surgery” and L takes hormones and dresses and presents as a woman, albeit a very gawky, strange-looking woman with 40DD bustline and goth taste in clothing. L uses “she”/her” as her pronouns, and has undergone 2 name changes since K met him/her, from a male birth name to a gender-neutral name to a decidedly feminine name.
K has also been transitioning to a more androgynous gender-neutral version of themself (think KD Lang) and is hoping to get breast reduction surgery in the future, but so far as I know doesn’t intend to transition to male. Yet. K has legally changed their name to a more neutral and unusual name that is taking time to get used to, though I find the new name easier than the new pronouns.
SO NOW TO THE GRIEF PART. It is quite possible to grieve the loss of a living person.
I miss the sweet little girl who loved to dress up as a princess or woodland fairy. I miss calling (her) by (her) birth name which was also my favorite great aunt’s name. I miss being able to share memories from the past - in which my sisters and I played like bear cubs with our little (niece) - without getting called out for using the wrong name or wrong pronoun. I long for the loving (niece) who has been replaced by a prickly politically-correct crusader for LGBTQ+ rights, who bans me from their Facebook page for using incorrect language. (An example, I got called out for speaking of a friend who has Asperger’s syndrome, and describes himself that way, because the medical reference text now lumps that condition into the “Autism Spectrum,” so I am dead wrong to use that out-dated term, even if my friend uses it himself!) I was 39 when K was born, so we are of different generations, and I feel K is too harsh with us slow-learning elders.
I’m sad about lost opportunities, too. There will likely be no more family trips including K because L is part of the package and the Kimbys feel L is a user and a not very nice person, though K claims to be happy with L.
There will also likely not be any little grand nieces or nephews, another loss. Our family grinds to a halt with K, as neither Ricky nor I had children. I also hate walking on eggshells with K. I feel robbed in a way, like I’ve lost yet another family member. And sad for my sister, K’s mother, who has got to be experiencing all these losses tenfold.
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 15:32:06 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Mar 25, 2021 15:32:06 GMT
If this keeps up, we're going to end up with gender wars and not just two sides. I happened across a couple 'ace' videos (ace = asexual) and those people also have a lot of axes to grind but at least they're not changing their names all the time.
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 15:51:42 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Mar 25, 2021 15:51:42 GMT
Chicago is ground zero for LGBTQ+ rights, as far as I can tell. K and L might have a very different experience if they tried to live anywhere else.
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 16:23:34 GMT
Post by bjd on Mar 25, 2021 16:23:34 GMT
It sounds tough to deal with, Kimby, but I suppose that someone so far into gender change/fluidity/whatever is going to be really rigid about it. Your niece has to assert a new personality and new body and is not going to make any exceptions for relatives, older or not.
To put it into a bit of perspective, if she had remained female and lived with some idiot guy, you wouldn't be any better off.It would still cause problems -- maybe not of pronouns. I agree with you about the "they" -- it's just confusing. I think another word should be chosen.
KD Lang is "gender neutral"?
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 16:30:45 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Mar 25, 2021 16:30:45 GMT
kd lang is lesbian, I believe.
I meant appearance-wise, not gender identification/sexual orientation-wise.
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 16:34:33 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Mar 25, 2021 16:34:33 GMT
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 17:00:31 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Mar 25, 2021 17:00:31 GMT
kd lang is lesbian, I believe. In terms of music stars, Morrissey has long said that he is asexual, but when he had to admit that he had had a relationship with a man, he changed it to 'humasexual'. Oh, if only people were not forced to label themselves!
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 17:32:49 GMT
Post by onlyMark on Mar 25, 2021 17:32:49 GMT
I got stopped driving a rental car in India. Had to show my passport. Unfortunately my passport had me down as "F" not "M". A mistake I'd known about for years but it was never picked up on. I wonder now with ID cards/documents/passports/driving licences etc that normally show the sex of the holder, what happens with them with all the various permutations.
In short the policemen said the passports says I am a female. I agreed (because if I said it was a mistake it opened a whole new can of worms). One of them wanted to dispute this. I offered to strip off there and then at the side of the main road to show them, but then I'll be making complaints of sexual harassment to various organisations including the British Embassy, the Police authorities and any and all Rights groups I can find. They waived me on - and told me to wear a white shirt because anyone driving a rental car has to wear a white shirt.
Grief for the loss of someone who is still alive - certainly and the loss of friends who, for whatever reason, don't want to be in contact with you anymore.
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Grief
Mar 25, 2021 18:11:54 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Mar 25, 2021 18:11:54 GMT
I think that some countries now accept the letter X for people who are neither M or F.
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Grief
Mar 26, 2021 14:09:55 GMT
Post by casimira on Mar 26, 2021 14:09:55 GMT
I have a good friend who is transgender and "she" has made it easier and lessened the confusion by just using "Ms. Michael" Other people get really incensed when you refer to them wrongly when it isn't intentional. I have made this mistake with another person I know and every time I mistakenly refer to them by their former name this person gets really angry with me. I finally just stopped using any name when I see this person.
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Grief
Mar 26, 2021 15:30:00 GMT
Post by fumobici on Mar 26, 2021 15:30:00 GMT
I have a good friend who is transgender and "she" has made it easier and lessened the confusion by just using "Ms. Michael" Other people get really incensed when you refer to them wrongly when it isn't intentional. I have made this mistake with another person I know and every time I mistakenly refer to them by their former name this person gets really angry with me. I finally just stopped using any name when I see this person. Assholes come in all types and gender self-identifications.
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Grief
Mar 26, 2021 16:37:46 GMT
Post by casimira on Mar 26, 2021 16:37:46 GMT
How right you are Fumobici. You stated exactly what I feel whenever I encounter this person. Grazie!
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