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Grief
Mar 26, 2021 17:04:26 GMT
Post by mich64 on Mar 26, 2021 17:04:26 GMT
I am having a difficult time understanding who wants to be referred to as them? It has also revealed that I omitted one significant loss that I’m grieving. Kimby your situation with your feelings of grief regarding your niece, I also feel the same way about my nephew for a different reason. Even though he is still alive, I grieve he is no longer a part of our lives due to his drug addiction. He has moved away and I kind of try to fool myself with missing him because he moved but I know I actually miss HIM as a person, who he was, I adored him as a baby, a child and thought he would have a great future. I loved how generous and respectful he was with his grandparents and I feel for them too as I know how much they miss him too.
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Grief
Mar 26, 2021 17:20:03 GMT
Post by htmb on Mar 26, 2021 17:20:03 GMT
Mich, that is very sad. I can understand your grief at missing your nephew. Drug addictions can certainly destroy family relationships, as well as friendships.
And Fumobici, you put into words exactly what I’ve been thinking. I believe everyone has a right to be happy and to love whomever they choose, but assholes are assholes no matter their sexual/behavioral preferences.
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Grief
Mar 26, 2021 19:20:12 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Mar 26, 2021 19:20:12 GMT
Oh, Kimby -- the situation with your niece is jangly and extremely difficult. Your explanation is very clear, sensitive and really quite beautiful. But I suspect you feel, as I would, WTF with all the insistence, the anger, and the semi-rejection of family -- all of which is obviously very painful for you & surely even more so for her mother.
I can't claim to know or understand the least thing about transgenderism, only that it exists and that it must be a source of confusion and pain for those who feel trapped in the wrong body. Of course all people should be allowed to express and fulfill themselves within the parameters of civilized behavior. But I find the prickliness and the borderline aggression not only concerning, but somewhat of a piece with other things going on in society right now. (by society, I mean the parts I see & understand which in large part is the US). Don't like the politics of your country? Storm the capitol! Feel a need to change your sex &/or how you present your persona? Be angry at those who have no background in understanding such a thing, even if it's your loving family.
I mentioned somewhere else on the forum about how there seems to be so much of performance in how people below a certain age present themselves. I'm deliberately not saying "young people", because many of the people to whom I refer are at least forty. That performance aspect I guess comes from the whole copy-cat aspect of social media & the like. I'm not only referring to minor things like clothing fads or slang, but to things like the #me,too movement, whose legitimacy is (to me) in question because of the number of copy-cat, attention-seeking claims being made. And I am not dismissing the true inner feelings of those persons who simply cannot accept the roles issued to them because of their physical characteristics. But what I find alarming is how much of a young person's natural process of finding oneself might be derailed by precipitously re-labeling themselves in a way that might have far-reaching, unwanted consequences. That's what makes me wonder if some of the angry impatience with others might not be defensiveness about a decision they're not altogether sure about. And the fury when called by the "wrong" name puts me in mind of the kind of woman who will snarl at a man who holds the door for her, ascribing to that man all kinds of negative attitudes when all he meant to be was polite. Yes, it is surely hard to be "out there" when you decide to change your sex, but hey -- it's not all about you. The rest of us live in this world and have trouble abruptly shifting gears, especially when the person who has made the change looks the same as always. In the case of family, it's even harder, as they have a whole world of memories and perceptions that cannot simply be jettisoned.
On a lesser note, it pisses me off that solid English words (they, them) have been co-opted and mangled so that it is now impossible to use them without linguistic confusion. They/their is just plain stupid. If people can think through the process of shedding a physiologically determined sex, they can damned well come up with better nomenclature.
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Grief
Mar 26, 2021 19:22:09 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Mar 26, 2021 19:22:09 GMT
Apologies, Mich. You cannot imagine how many times I was interrupted while trying to write the above. I did not see you post about your nephew. How painful for the whole family, but how lovely that you so sensitively drew the parallel with Kimby's similar grief.
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Grief
Mar 26, 2021 19:48:03 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Mar 26, 2021 19:48:03 GMT
The transgender theme in the Skam series that I mentioned (reply #1212 here -- anyportinastorm.proboards.com/thread/8165/tv-series-watched-streamed?page=41 ) only touched on one taboo -- calling the newly gendered person by their former name, which appears to be one of the things that they hate the most in the world because it nullifies their new life. But even so, I doubt that all of them are that touchy.
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Grief
Mar 27, 2021 13:22:33 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Mar 27, 2021 13:22:33 GMT
As the EIGHTH anniversary of my father’s death approaches, I find in my email inbox an invitation from legacy.com to revisit his “memorial page and guestbook”, which includes his full obituary and a photo of him in his 20’s. This many years later I can read it without crying, and also notice some editorial changes I wish I’d made at the time...
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Grief
Mar 27, 2021 17:04:47 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Mar 27, 2021 17:04:47 GMT
I am having a difficult time understanding who wants to be referred to as them? Mich, my niece/“nibling” - K - wants to be referred to by “they/them/their”. K’s partner/roommate/whatever - L - wants to be referred to as “she/her”. And you are so right, Mich, that there are many ways to “lose” and grieve for a living relative. I’m very sorry about your nephew. Mr. Kimby and his brother are estranged, and that saddens me as much or more than it saddens my husband. I won’t say I grieve, because he’s always been an odd duck, and is probably a narcissist as well. They were born almost 5 years apart, so were never very close, but now they don’t speak, except through lawyers.
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Grief
Mar 27, 2021 17:33:44 GMT
Post by mich64 on Mar 27, 2021 17:33:44 GMT
Mich, my niece/“nibling” - K - wants to be referred to by “they/them/their”. K’s partner/roommate/whatever - L - wants to be referred to as “she/her”. The whole thing is confusing to me and I do not think I will ever understand it, too abstact for me I think. I am not exposed to any family or friends requesting to being referred to in any of these terms so I do not have to be concerned about offending anyone by my igonorance. Thank you Kimby about my nephew. My memories of him just stop at a particular time and I think this fact also makes me grieve for him. I am sorry to read about your husband/brother-in-law, even though it seems it is for the best, it is still sad they do not have a relationship but being related does not always bond people.
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Grief
Mar 28, 2021 9:30:00 GMT
via mobile
Post by whatagain on Mar 28, 2021 9:30:00 GMT
Yup. Sorry about the nephew. I know zilch about the case but if it can help the son of my best and oldest friend (meaning she is my age but i met her when i was 7) was a drug addict. He lost quite a few neurons but at the turn of 30 has found some stability. He has a girlfriend, some kind of a job, is no longer agressive... hope.
As for LGBTs i loved the sentence about transgender and stupidity. Sometimes people should adapt to their environment instead of asking everybody to adapt to them.
My problem nowadays is with people over loving their pets : my comprehension accepts their love for dogs or whatever, i am sympathetic to the fact that they consider them as members oftheir family but start losing patience when they talk only about them and about how sorrowful their life would become if they died. I mean, ffs, i don't talk as much about my children and i must bite my lips to tell them that i don't give a toss about their bloody dog and that i don't bother them them with my sorrow about my dead son. I find it a lack of tact and sensitivity to have to suffer their stories of minor health issues of their fuc.. lovely pets when they obliterate my loss. I met such a lovely woman when walking with my neighbour. The one who lost her son recently. We shared the same view. Strangely.
Bottomline : everyone has a tendency to see their own issues and for some they only see those. But about everybody has his own cross to carry and it often veers into selfishness to ask others to adapt to oneself.
So : i have no issue with LGBTs but i dont see why i should consider them the center of the universe. They don't like us using the wrong name and gender ? Well so be it.
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Grief
Mar 28, 2021 13:28:40 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Mar 28, 2021 13:28:40 GMT
Yes, many LGBTQ+ seem to “have a chip on their shoulder” and are daring others to knock it off, so they can fight their good fight.
It’s sad that their fight for inclusivity doesn’t include those who have a hard time wrapping their minds around new social mores, and the difficulty of us old dogs learning new tricks.
If we say we "find it hard" to learn new pronouns, their answer is that saying that puts MORE pain on them, because they feel like they are expected to apologize for making our lives difficult, when THEIR lives are already so difficult.
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Grief
Mar 28, 2021 14:52:13 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Mar 28, 2021 14:52:13 GMT
I take exception to the Q in LGBTQ+ for the very same reason that I take exception to black people calling each other 'niggas'. But I suppose that I am just old fashioned about what I consider to be insulting since 'girls' going out often say things like "Let's go to the bar, bitches!" And of course men have always called each other bastards and much worse, in a friendly way of course. Ha ha ha.
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Grief
Mar 28, 2021 14:53:29 GMT
via mobile
Post by whatagain on Mar 28, 2021 14:53:29 GMT
Très vrai, connard.
😁😁😁😁😁😁
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Grief
Mar 28, 2021 15:17:19 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Mar 28, 2021 15:17:19 GMT
I take exception to the Q in LGBTQ+ for the very same reason that I take exception to black people calling each other 'niggas'. But I suppose that I am just old fashioned about what I consider to be insulting since 'girls' going out often say things like "Let's go to the bar, bitches!" And of course men have always called each other bastards and much worse, in a friendly way of course. Ha ha ha. My (niece) labels themself “Gender Queer”. But don’t make the mistake of saying “a queer”. Two different things. I think (niece) K is demonstrating solidarity with their friends suffering from gender dysphoria and debilitating depression. K gets power and props for being a supportive friend and ally. Thus far, despite becoming more androgynous in clothing and hairstyle, K seems to not be moving towards a transgendering for themself. This week, anyway. Grateful for small miracles.
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Grief
Mar 28, 2021 15:19:52 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Mar 28, 2021 15:19:52 GMT
Ambiguous loss is another kind of grief.
“There seems to be no room in our culture for the half-light of that in-between place. Loss that falls short of death is complicated. It sure feels like loss, but it isn’t always defined as one. Fear mingles with gratitude; panic overwhelms relief. At one point, I actually envied my widowed friend. Her husband’s death, though truly horrible, was final. Ultimately, she had nowhere else to go but forward. But I lived in a world of uncertainty, rocketing between hopeful scenarios and the possibility of a lifetime as caregiver.”
I have misplaced the article this came from. Darn. It included drug addicted family members as well as those who suffer a catastrophic injury/illness or accident, including war injuries.
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Grief
Apr 17, 2021 3:56:30 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Apr 17, 2021 3:56:30 GMT
We got a little closure today regarding my dear departed sister, Ricky.
Her two sisters and niece/nibling buried some of her ashes that her widower sent us in the family plot (aka the dog cemetery) at the cabin, which we are getting ready for new owners after 57 years in the family.
We also each chose a few items to remember her by from her jewelry collection sent by her husband. And selected items to send to her best friends, and for a baby girl, the granddaughter of one of those friends, who was named after Ricky.
It felt good to do these things. It’s been 15 months since she was suddenly taken from us, but it’s becoming less raw as we are adjusting to the new reality.
Life does indeed go on.
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Grief
Apr 17, 2021 14:34:18 GMT
Post by cheerypeabrain on Apr 17, 2021 14:34:18 GMT
Taking comfort in small acts of remembrance help us to process loss of loved family and friends doesn't it? How lovely that your famiy have objects that remind you all of your dear sister Ricky, although I'm sure that you'll always keep her close in your heart.
In July it will be the 100th anniversary of my Daddy's birth, so we're going to have a 100th birthay party of sorts, just the 'children' probably, something quiet..but with whisky.
It's very quiet here because of the funeral of Prince Philip. The music has been very moving, even this raddled old repubican has been moved to tears. I just went into the garden and there's not a sound, no traffic, no chidren shouting or people chatting..everybody is indoors watching the funeral. It's as if this communal grief represents the 130,000+ lost to covid over the past year. It does feel terribly intrusive tho. Poor Queenie.
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Grief
Apr 17, 2021 17:06:00 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Apr 17, 2021 17:06:00 GMT
That is lovely, Cheery -- not just the commemoration of your dear father, but the tying in of the nation's acknowledgment of Prince Philip's death and funeral with all those lost to covid.
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Grief
May 27, 2021 16:05:19 GMT
Post by Kimby on May 27, 2021 16:05:19 GMT
The family cabin is no longer in the family. We closed the sale to a neighbor at the lake last week.
Enough time has lapsed since my parents' deaths - and the more recent death of my younger sister - to come to terms with the fact that isn't tenable to hang onto the place. I live 1400 miles away, and my husband doesn't really like the place: too much work involved in keeping it up.
So my remaining sister and I met at the cabin to choose what we wanted to keep, to set aside items for an auctioneer to sell and fill a 20 yard dumpster with the stuff that didn't have any value to anyone. But it was hard to dispose of iconic clothing I remember my parents wearing: for example the red wool jacket my mom wore during hunting season (before hunter's orange was invented). I put it on and had my sister take a photo of me wearing it, which made it easier to toss it in the dumpster.
We donated my Dad's sculptures (assemblages) of handblown glass lighthouses on sandstone bases to a local group that works to improve water quality, and they will use them as a fundraiser. Dad would have loved that.
Life goes on. (And now I don't have to worry about the cabin when severe thunderstorms blow through Central Wisconsin...)
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Grief
May 27, 2021 16:13:05 GMT
Post by mickthecactus on May 27, 2021 16:13:05 GMT
Well done Kimby. Not easy but well done.
On the day of my father's funeral I wore his shoes. Not out of sentiment but because I had forgotten mine...
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Grief
May 27, 2021 22:57:58 GMT
Post by mich64 on May 27, 2021 22:57:58 GMT
I put it on and had my sister take a photo of me wearing it, That was a wonderful idea Kimby.
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Grief
May 28, 2021 3:43:05 GMT
Post by Kimby on May 28, 2021 3:43:05 GMT
Mom’s red wool jacket.
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Grief
May 28, 2021 4:57:57 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on May 28, 2021 4:57:57 GMT
That's a good looking jacket, at least seen from that distance!
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Grief
May 29, 2021 23:57:35 GMT
Post by questa on May 29, 2021 23:57:35 GMT
Fits beautifully !
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Grief
May 30, 2021 1:04:49 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on May 30, 2021 1:04:49 GMT
It went in the dumpster nonetheless. It was probably 50 or 60 years old, and moths had taken some bites out of it. The photo will take its place. (And take up less space!)
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Grief
Jun 20, 2021 4:59:57 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Jun 20, 2021 4:59:57 GMT
My sister’s husband, now a widower, finally felt up to holding a celebration of her life in their neighborhood, a year and a half after she died. In the short time they had lived in their neighborhood she had won the hearts of many of their neighbors. He asked us for photos he could blow up for display at this “party”. And today I received a couple of the mounted enlargements in the mail. ❤️
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Grief
Jun 20, 2021 13:49:53 GMT
via mobile
Post by whatagain on Jun 20, 2021 13:49:53 GMT
🥰
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Grief
Aug 7, 2021 21:06:44 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Aug 7, 2021 21:06:44 GMT
From the COVID thread, yet another type of grief, shared by Tod2. There are days when I wake up and immediately think....what's happening today? Have I thought of something to do? Should I start tidying up that cupboard or leave it until I feel like doing it? Questions questions... until I read an article in the Sunday paper telling us - "Don't Worry, You're not going insane. You're Languishing" What an appropriate word for the way I feel most days! A sort of medium state of distress. It's a charged apathy or an indifference, a bitter nostalgia, a languid automatism. It's the feeling that precedes the urge to stay in bed and skip a shower. It has been over a year since the pandemic irrevocably altered the fabric of our lives as we once knew them, and many of us are registering a strange sensation that tethers us all to the present. According to psychologists the term for what many of us are experiencing or embodying right now is "Languishing". You may be conscious of experiencing tell-tale symptoms, like an inability to concentrate, indifference in the face of activities and hobbies that you once found stimulating, and it's like every day is Groundhog Day. According to a bevy of psychological and psychiatric professionals, our "Languishing" is an appropriate response to the combination of acute stress and trauma, boredom and sameness that we have all been subject to since the novel Coronavirus made it's global debut. It's a unique form of grief and a unique coping mechanism. Well that's a relief. Now I'll get on with more languishing....
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Grief
Aug 27, 2021 19:33:54 GMT
via mobile
Post by Kimby on Aug 27, 2021 19:33:54 GMT
“There should be a special word for the type of mourning you know is to come.”
Said by a forester as she looked at trees experiencing ill effects of climate change, knowing that the forest will die in her lifetime….
From the book FINDING THE MOTHER TREE by Suzanne Simard.
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Grief
Aug 31, 2021 14:03:49 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Aug 31, 2021 14:03:49 GMT
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Grief
Sept 5, 2021 14:06:47 GMT
Post by lagatta on Sept 5, 2021 14:06:47 GMT
On the 19th, we are attending a memorial to one of the founders and mainstays of our housing co-op. I think that she was not yet 50 - she died of a cancer that had the bad manners to return after she was thought to have fully recovered.
Memoria (a small local chain) is a funeral business that organises secular or multifaith funerals for those who have no relation to a parish, mosque, synagogue or temple. Though of course I've attended similar memorials that were simply outdoors in a park or in nearby countryside.
It is a pleasant location, on boulevard St-Laurent (for those whove been to Montréal), right next to a pleasant little park where people can go out for a chat ... or a smoke.
And of course we also have to think of finding a new household to occupy her flat. Due to the size (2-bedroom) it has to be at least two people; and not a couple who presumably share a bedroom. Thus a person or couple with at least one child.
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