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Post by bixaorellana on Oct 4, 2020 2:10:22 GMT
Oh, beautiful, Questa! You describe it so eloquently. As gorgeous as your word pictures are, I think the most valuable thing is how you show that this kind of living arrangement is not "sad", nor "inevitable", nor a lesser way to live. You and others kept your autonomy and your favorite possessions, but managed to get out from under the onerous tasks and obligations that can ruin the pleasure of "regular" home ownership. Very admirable, prudent, and well done!
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Post by kerouac2 on Oct 4, 2020 2:11:13 GMT
The setting sounds absolutely wonderful.
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Post by mickthecactus on Oct 4, 2020 6:42:39 GMT
Book me a place would you?
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Post by questa on Oct 4, 2020 7:26:04 GMT
Right now it is about 12C and an icy wind is moaning through the trees...You would feel quite at home!
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Post by mickthecactus on Oct 4, 2020 7:45:49 GMT
And there’s rain on the way for you.,,,
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Post by lagatta on Oct 4, 2020 11:11:37 GMT
Is it often so chilly in early spring, Questa? I do follow Buenos Aires weather though (obviously very different) as I have friends both in the big city and a provincial town, Balcarce, and it is very chilly there too.
My friend in Balcarce had been trying to get back here for her healthcare (she is a naturalised Canadian citizen) but beyond all the obstacles, I doubt she really wants to return for a Québec winter. It is possible that if she continues with yoga and other exercise routines down there, she'll regain as much mobility as she would with official medical attention up here. I get the idea that Argentina is the kind of country that has a lot of social and health coverage on paper but not in reality... And there has been a huge increase in the most dire sort of poverty in both Chile and Argentina; the kind of situation found in less developed SA countries. Only tiny Uruguay is resisting the downward trend so far.
My friend had a knee injury and has lost muscle mass; hope she's recovered that. She's always been thin (as opposed to lean, which is good).
As for me, very complicated situation, but we (coop) are working on it.
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Post by questa on Oct 4, 2020 12:58:02 GMT
Lagatta, you have probably found, like me,how tempting and easy it is to slip into little worries to save having to deal with bigger ones.Here you are concerned about South American socio-economics, your friend's climatic choices and knee problems and finally your own big issue which gets a poor single sentence at the end. A social worker at my work used often to drill into us ... Worry and Guilt are the only emotions that are useless, they serve only to make us feel worse. If you are worried about something, do something...make a for and against list. draft a memo to yourself about what is happening and how you are going to proceed etc. Remember how Mark took on a foreign social services with direct action and concentrated preparation. When dealing with the professionals keep on subject and don't take up their time.Make notes of what is agreed to as you go along, plus a summary from them at the end.Just DON'T WORRY. but think clearly, take action. Good luck
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Post by Kimby on Oct 4, 2020 14:51:32 GMT
Key to surviving - and even thriving during - these life passages is to learn how to let go. We will lose many things, many abilities and many people that we take for granted while in our prime of life.
Grace in letting go of what we no longer are (young, beautiful, fit, etc.), and shifting gracefully from things we can no longer do or keep up with (e.g. a huge garden, whitewater canoeing, a two-story high-maintenance house), is helpful in these transitions.
My parents navigated these troubled waters with surprising ease, setting a great example for their three (now two) daughters.
A passage our family is now experiencing is my sister’s widower going through the process of removing her clothes and jewelry from the house where they had lived so happily. I’m grateful that he reached out to offer her sisters and niece to choose a few items to remember her by. It would have been much easier for him to just quietly drop it all off at a charity thrift. Instead he took photos and shared them with us. A good man.
He is navigating grief very purposefully, with a grief therapist and a grief support group (virtual since March), I expect he will someday, maybe soon, meet another woman to share the remainder of his life with. If he hasn’t already. What choice does he have?
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Post by lagatta on Oct 4, 2020 14:57:04 GMT
questa, while I agree with you, that is not the issue here. I am not speaking about my current problem on the internet, except for evoking it sidewise earlier on. I have good reason not to.
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Post by kerouac2 on Oct 4, 2020 17:36:16 GMT
A passage our family is now experiencing is my sister’s widower going through the process of removing her clothes and jewelry from the house I have known people who have not touched the deceased's clothing and other items for ten years or more. Their homes become mausoleums. I was lucky that my mother transferred complete trust to me when my father died, so we were able to donate (or throw away) all of his clothes in less than a week.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 4, 2020 17:43:09 GMT
I did tell her husband that I’d be honored to wear her hiking shoes, if they were still around, and he said that I would have to contact Detective Guidry at the NOPD, as her hiking shoes are among some of the personal items that were collected for the investigation and were never returned. Not talking to that dick-wad again, so I’ll settle for a pendant or two.
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Post by tod2 on Oct 5, 2020 10:49:57 GMT
I have known people who have not touched the deceased's clothing and other items for ten years or more. You read about these things but when it comes to your house one is taken aback and puzzled by this phenomena of not letting go. My example is that when my son met his wife and got to know her, he was astounded that she had a suitcase of her mother's clothing from the hospital - nighties and dressing gown, that sort of thing. The suitcase was locked and kept in or on top of a cupboard. Of course he tried to persuade her to open it and show him the clothing but she said she had not done that in the 3 years since her mother died of cancer. No amount of persuading could change her mind even after they were married. I think the suitcase is still locked but maybe her new man she has since the divorce may have helped her let go. I went through something slightly similar when our two year old daughter passed away. I kept a pretty little dress and her shoes for years until one day a poor kid needed clothes and they were given away with joy. As for her ashes. My husband couldn't bare to part with them and kept them in a filing cabinet in his office. Eventually they were brought home and kept here. An opportunity came to lay them in the earth when my mother passed. I mixed her ashes with my fathers ashes and added my daughters. It is very hard to let go and some cannot do it. Others like us take some time, but one thing I can say when a decision is made, it feels so much better than the holding on.
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Post by mossie on Oct 5, 2020 11:22:20 GMT
I'm afraid when my wife died I let her sister, daughter in law and best friend have the pick of her things. What they didn't want went to the charity shop, except for one dress, bought for a special occasion, which still hangs in a wardrobe.
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Post by onlyMark on Oct 5, 2020 11:33:24 GMT
When my mother died my father about a week later gave away/chucked away all her clothes but kept other things to remind him. When my father died I met my brother at the house a few days later and we took about two hours to put things aside we wanted each, the rest got chucked away. I then rented a skip and it all went in there, furniture, bedding, old pots and pans etc, the lot.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 5, 2020 11:55:10 GMT
I'm afraid when my wife died I let her sister, daughter in law and best friend have the pick of her things. What they didn't want went to the charity shop, except for one dress, bought for a special occasion, which still hangs in a wardrobe. I think you handled it perfectly, mossie. Each of you kept a memory or two, and charity benefitted from the rest. And you freed up space in your home, and reduced the number of painful daily reminders. Well done, mossie!
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Post by lagatta on Oct 5, 2020 17:55:17 GMT
Where I live we put useful to others stuff such as usable pots and pan out in boxes on the sidewalk and people take them. A lot of students live here now.
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Post by casimira on Oct 5, 2020 18:16:50 GMT
I was able to unload a lot of stuff to the people in SW Louisiana who got swacked by Hurricane Laura and were in need. (there were designated drop off locations scattered around NOLA) I wish they had needed more clothes than I was able to give away but they put a halt on that as that was what most people were donating. (the same thing happened here after Katrina, we saw huge bins overflowing with clothes while we were up in NY and it was OTT. Mainly a factor also being that many of them were not large enough sizes for some of the heavier women who lived here and were in need. NYers tend to be smaller in size and bless their hearts for their charitable sentiments but a large black woman has no use for a Ralph Lauren size 7/8 linen suit).
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Post by casimira on Oct 5, 2020 19:37:13 GMT
I did tell her husband that I’d be honored to wear her hiking shoes, if they were still around, and he said that I would have to contact Detective Guidry at the NOPD, as her hiking shoes are among some of the personal items that were collected for the investigation and were never returned. Not talking to that dick-wad again, so I’ll settle for a pendant or two. If you would let me have a go at contacting my friend connected with NOPD who has been helpful with other personal issues in the past as I had offered to do with your brother in law, I would do it Kimby. It's not a guarantee that it would happen but, I would be willing if you were to let me try.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 5, 2020 19:45:41 GMT
Thanks very much, but when I found the hiking shoes were part of that sad chapter I lost all interest in them. And her jewelry and cell phone were eventually returned, though not before her ashes. I feel like closing this chapter permanently. Though your kind offer is most appreciated.
Just curious to know if Detective Guidry is someone T knows or knows of...
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Post by casimira on Oct 5, 2020 19:52:29 GMT
The connection with NOPD is more my connection than T's although T does know him. Guidry does not ring a bell but then again there's a gazzillion Guidrys in NOLA as its a very common surname.
As an aside, it pains me when you post stuff like this because I want to be of assistance and then you resist when I do offer. Most especially with all the red tape with your brother in law earlier on in this oh so sad ordeal. I guess I am just too sensitive and do want to help in any way that I can.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 5, 2020 20:03:25 GMT
I didn’t post in a veiled request for help, CASI, but your offer is most appreciated. As I am not considered “next of kin,” it’s not my business, and the widower is done with NOPD.
FYI Patrick Guidry was his name. Pretty bad bedside (deadside?) manner. “How ya doin’?” instead of I’m sorry for your loss...
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Post by questa on Oct 12, 2020 12:15:27 GMT
OMG...just survived a week of total chaos as I tried to make sense of a house move from hell. All the family disappeared to assist in the demolishing of my former home and no one to help me with all the boxes and random folders. It was like isolation with hard labour. Tonight the worst is over but it will take time to find out where I have put things.
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Post by mossie on Oct 12, 2020 14:15:47 GMT
That is just too bad Questa, I hope you are having a nice cup of tea and relaxing by now, or something stronger if you prefer. Tell your family that you are now going to start spending on anything and everything, so when they come looking for a will, all they will find are debts.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 12, 2020 15:01:48 GMT
Mossie, you’re bad! And I mean that in a good way.
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Post by casimira on Oct 12, 2020 15:59:03 GMT
I commend you on carrying through this ordeal Questa. An ordeal to be sure and bravo to you for holding up through this process/ "passage". I don't think I could handle a major move to another domain at this juncture in my life. Too overwhelming, exhausting and daunting a task. I could handle having perhaps a "second" home to retreat to during the sweltering summers and hurricane season here. Somewhere not along a hurricane corridor and cooler more tolerable temperatures. Maybe up in some mountains. (Pipedreaming here...)
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Post by tod2 on Oct 12, 2020 16:46:57 GMT
Questa, I probably would have thrown my arms in the air and texted the buggars to return forthwith! I am a little miffed at what they did to you. Moms are special and we need major sucking up….Major sucking up do you hear, all those who abandoned Questa in her hour of need!!
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Post by onlyMark on Oct 12, 2020 16:53:00 GMT
Like Mossie suggests, we've told our kids they'll get nothing so don't expect anything. Everything/anything we have will be sold and the money spent. When the house in Spain gets too much for me to maintain then that'll go and anywhere else we have will be rented. Any money we have will be used to pay for our (or probably my) care so I have can have running hot and cold young female nurses and day trips out in the summer on motorbikes - plus my own personal chef. I'm sure I'll think of other stuff as well.
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Post by tod2 on Oct 12, 2020 17:09:26 GMT
Oh no Mark, surely thee jests? We have one son after loosing our daughter, aged 2 years old. He of course, has had all the best we can offer as I'm sure your girls received. But, this world is cruel. As much as I love to travel - and it is incredibly difficult with our weak currency, our finances are invested to such an extent we will be able to travel, have care, and leave my son and more important, my two grandsons, with enough money to give them a good education. My son will never go wanting unless he himself fails to manage the money. I'm sure that won't happen as he is handling our finances far better than we ever did. And if he sticks to his partner, she is one of the top trained beauticians any "High Maintenance" woman would like to meet…..like a barber, they can cut hair anywhere, anytime!
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Post by kerouac2 on Oct 12, 2020 17:12:31 GMT
Questa, I suppose that you were being wry and know very well that you are certainly the one who told your family to clean out the old house and "don't worry about me - I'm fine." And we are always disappointed when people take everything that we say at face value.
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Post by casimira on Oct 12, 2020 18:01:08 GMT
Because we have no children this will not be an issue for T and I . My 97 year old Aunt, who is "sharp as a tack" phoned me during the recent hurricane to ask after us. While chatting she made me promise her that when and if my husband and I come into any money that we put enough aside for any health issues down the line as we get older. She is able to still live in her own home and has someone to assist her along with a daughter nearby. Physically she is challenged having taken a fall a few years ago but can still get around with a walker well enough. Mentally, she is sharper than I. Her jargon I have to say was a wee bit dated so to speak and, I say this in the most endearing of ways. She said, "Now C., you don't need a Cadillac, just get a car that runs well, and, you don't need to fly around the world." I told her I would most definitely take her advice and we will.
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