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Post by lugg on Aug 28, 2020 10:06:14 GMT
I guess the Covid results are back now , fingers vcrossed for you and your brother.
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Post by onlyMark on Aug 28, 2020 20:52:20 GMT
No idea when the results did come back, but they did, so that problem solved.
Arranged to pick him up from the prison at 11am, we turned up at 10.45 and waited until 12 noon for him to appear. All his stuff in two bin liners, no idea here his rucksack went to, maybe in one of the bin bags. Put him in the car and drove off. We (Mrs M and I) tried to distract him for as long as possible so he didn't ask where we were going, as where we were going was to Orgiva, where he didn't want to go. Physically he seems a little better after eating 'well' for six months, mentally he is as bad as when I last saw him, good thing though as it means he's not really any worse.
To illustrate his mental state, about the first thing he said to us was, "I really want to get pissed" (drunk) as he could not make the connection at all as to how drink and the abuse of it was one of the main reasons he was in prison due to how it had affected his brain. He had completely forgotten why he was in prison, what actions had put him there and asked why Carmen and the kids had not picked him up today. All this was a bit of an eye opener to Mrs M because even though I'd told her all about his mental state, experiencing it and how he would repeat the same question or the same sentence every minute or so, over and over again as though locked in a loop - she was more patient than I was - but it did stop him asking where we were going until we were quite near.
There are many reasons why staying at this Home is of benefit to him, yet none made any impression upon him. He still exhibits traits of paranoia and even more so now, delusions - and that is a very accurate word, i.e. "Delusions are defined as fixed, false beliefs that conflict with reality. Despite contrary evidence, a person in a delusional state can't let go of their convictions." We got to the Home and eventually persuaded him to go inside - Mrs M persuaded him whereas my tactic would have been to just tell him to follow me and not give him a choice.
Only one person was allowed to go inside with him, and as Mrs M is the main Spanish speaker (plus has more patience than me), she did, bless 'er little cotton socks. I waited outside. I thought it would be a fairly swift handover and we'd be away, but no. Two hours later she appeared. Rob had to be persuaded of every little step. The signing initially of a register just purely to say you've stepped through the door, played to his paranoia in that if he signed, he'd be locked up. He'd already been asking me if the place was a prison. He had to sign a few things but baulked at every step, convinced he was agreeing to having his children taken away from him, things like that.
The situation is that yes, he is unable to leave the premises for 14 days for the quarantine period, even though he'd a negative test result the staff and the policy was to isolate if you have been outside. How they physically will stop him, I've no idea, but Mrs M told me he'd already mentioned he had a small balcony he could climb down from. There are obviously a lot of small incidents that I can't now be bothered to write, but the end result is he is in a home that will look after him, specialises in dementia, will help him with his finances and reclaiming his apartment plus, and this is a major step I've tried to lead everyone up to - on Sept 4th he will be seeing a Neurologist to instigate the process of him being declared incapable in law of making his own decisions. If that is a done deal on that date or needs more 'consultations' etc, I don't know yet.
One other aim I have for him as he wants to stay in Granada city and there are no places in a Home for him now, and probably not for some time, is to get him to settle in this place for a few days as I'm half certain, after that time he'll forget he was even in prison or the reasons why he didn't want to be there. The good thing about his mental state in this regard is his forgetfulness and lack of time perception. We'll see how he goes but I've ordered from Amazon a TV for his room and I'm sure once he gets that he'll be a lot more comfortable with being there. I'll be on tenterhooks though for the next few days waiting to get a phone call that he's escaped.
Good idea, switch my phone off. Whoever said that to themselves or thought it, I'll buy you drink.
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Post by htmb on Aug 28, 2020 21:43:16 GMT
It sounds like you accomplished a lot. How fortunate to also have Mrs M on your team. I hope all continues to go well.
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Post by onlyMark on Aug 29, 2020 6:44:48 GMT
Muchas gracias.
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Post by mickthecactus on Aug 29, 2020 6:46:07 GMT
Well done both of you. Fingers crossed for the future.
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Post by mossie on Aug 29, 2020 7:08:05 GMT
Good luck. In Churchills words "keep buggering on".
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 29, 2020 9:19:02 GMT
Bravo to Mrs. M for her understanding and participation. My mother's non stop question(s) would drive me up the wall after about an hour in the car. It didn't matter what I said, it just went on and on and on.
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Post by onlyMark on Jul 20, 2021 15:51:05 GMT
Update - my last post from 28th August last year was when we dropped him off at the care home. I intended to go back to Spain to see him in the Autumn and then at Easter, but never managed it due to the covid thing. I've kept in touch with phone calls and a couple of video calls but yesterday was the first time I've been able to see him face to face - but - he is only allowed a 30 minute meeting inside the home once a week for two people. He has three kids but they are all allowed together. The compromise was we took his three kids so he didn't miss out on seeing them and he and they stayed outside in a courtyard whilst we stayed outside the premises, the other side of a locked gate but could still interact with him.
Things are quite positive as he is looking a lot fitter and his mental state has improved somewhat though still nowhere near normality. He's a lot calmer about things and not so jittery or repeating the same questions again and again and again. He mentions about how he's fed up there and saying he's going to escape. I asked him where would he go and what would he do, he replied he had no idea but said about working again as an English teacher. This wouldn't happen but he is convinced it would. I've not popped his balloon about this but left him to think about the practicalities of if he did do a runner and to tell me what he's worked out the next time I see him.
He still has a Pavlovian response regarding his kids in that he will burst into tears when he thinks he can't see them for a few days - bear in mind the most they see him is once a week but he is convinced it is every other day if not every day - he has now little concept of time, a little like a small child in that to them there is no difference between one day and one year, it can't be imagined/pictured as to how long that is or isn't - so I've brought up with him the tactic of counting how many sleeps he will have and to mark them down - he'll forget anyway but nevertheless, we'll see if that works with him better.
The kids won't really see him for at least three weeks as they are off to the north of Spain on holiday with their mother and her family (so I/we will visit every week until then), but his kids didn't tell him that as he was in enough tears as it was whenever not seeing him was raised. That'll do for now as an update, I'll maybe add to it whenever I visit him.
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Post by htmb on Jul 20, 2021 16:01:39 GMT
I’m glad you were able to see your brother. It sounds like he’s safe and well in his care home. It must be a bitter sweet feeling for you.
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Post by mickthecactus on Jul 20, 2021 16:48:09 GMT
I wish him well. I feel he’s almost an honorary member on here.
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Post by kerouac2 on Jul 20, 2021 17:37:56 GMT
My mother's physical health improved considerably, too, when she was institutionalised and only had access to completely healthy food and water except for when I would take her out for a meal. When I didn't take her out anymore, I would bring fruit that she liked, but I was even discouraged by the staff from giving her bananas. Mentally of course there's nothing they can do in most cases and that's what hurts the most.
As long as you keep reassuring your brother and also telling him the proper lies when necessary about his future, that is about all you can do.
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Post by casimira on Jul 20, 2021 19:38:25 GMT
I am very pleased to read this update Mark and, as noted, glad that he is in a safe place and seems to have improved. I somehow had forgotten that he had three children. As difficult as it may be for all of you, it's comforting to know he is where he is.
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Post by mich64 on Jul 20, 2021 22:04:47 GMT
Thank you for the update Mark. I think about him time to time and have wondered how he has faired through COVID.
It is nice to hear that he does see his children and hopefully it will become less painful for him, and for them, in time. It must be relieving for you all to know he is living in a safe place and that he is fitter and in general good physical health, his mental health will forever be a challenge it seems.
Were they able to get him to see the neurologist last September to see if he would be deemed incapable of looking after himself? Is that why he is still in the home?
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Post by questa on Jul 21, 2021 2:18:31 GMT
I wish him well. I feel he’s almost an honorary member on here. And the redoubtable Mrs M collects another medal.
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Post by onlyMark on Jul 21, 2021 6:20:36 GMT
Thanks for all the comments. I shall pass on the 'redoubtable' to Mrs M. It is probably an English word she doesn't know and even though she will be pleased with its meaning, I'm not sure if she'd be so happy to be associated with a French battleship. I'll get back to you on that one. I can think of no better place for him than where he is now, one closer to his kids in Granada would be the icing on the cake but I'm not pushing to make that happen as I'd rather not rock the boat whilst things are going well. Being mentally and physically improved, plus proper care is/as the object of the whole thing and I have nothing to complain about - apart from -
..... a lack of information to a certain extent. I am not supposed to be told, even though I'm his brother, anything of a personal nature about his care and medical treatment. Just generalisations. His 'contact' in the outside world is his partner. We wanted this to be so as she is on the scene rather than me who is countries away. That means I have to get any detailed info from her, and she isn't the best communicator. If you ask her two questions in a mail she'll just answer one and then not in the way that you thought and even that is still not clear.
Imagine asking, "Do you want to visit your aunt? Shall we have pizza later?" The answer comes back, "I don't like jam." You're left wondering why would you have jam on pizza when she means she doesn't like the jam on the toast the Aunt often gives her. Neither question is answered. So has he visited the neurologist? I'm still working on it.
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Post by questa on Jul 21, 2021 11:09:03 GMT
Redoubtable ... formidable awe-inspiring fearsome daunting alarming impressive commanding tremendous indomitable invincible resolute doughty mighty strong powerful worthy of honour. NB The French spelled it ""Redoutable"
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Post by kerouac2 on Jul 21, 2021 12:05:12 GMT
Funny, "doughty" is a new one to me and I would have never put it on that list out of ignorance.
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Post by onlyMark on Jul 21, 2021 12:38:19 GMT
Being described as 'doughy' is not a good thing though.
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Post by questa on Jul 21, 2021 13:20:24 GMT
Anything BUT 'doughy'...Doughty =doughty /ˈdaʊti/ adjectiveARCHAIC•HUMOROUS brave and persistent. "his doughty spirit kept him going" Similar: fearless dauntless determined resolute indomitable intrepid plucky spirited game mettlesome gritty steely confident undaunted undismayed unalarmed unflinching unshrinking unabashed unfaltering unflagging bold audacious valiant brave stout-hearted lionhearted gallant courageous heroic daring daredevil gutsy spunky ballsy feisty I always think of doughty as the pink faced white hair and moustache old boy who wishes he had 'stayed on' when the Raj broke up. Now he is living in a faded seaside boarding house with the Memsahib, knocking back the gin and wishing he was back quelling an uprising or two.
The name Doughty was that of the great Desert explorer that TE Lawrence helped and honoured.
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Post by questa on Jul 22, 2021 0:30:17 GMT
Thread hijack warning! So how do we get the military strategy of the "redoubt"? I watched the movie "Zulu" last week for the umpteenth time and again saw the effectiveness of the Infantry Square plus redoubt strategy, especially when line-firing. Fire...Drop...Reload...Forward... Given more equal numbers the Brits could have won that skirmish. Indubitably.
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Post by bixaorellana on Jul 23, 2021 4:34:49 GMT
..... a lack of information to a certain extent. I am not supposed to be told, even though I'm his brother, anything of a personal nature about his care and medical treatment. Just generalisations. His 'contact' in the outside world is his partner. We wanted this to be so as she is on the scene rather than me who is countries away. That means I have to get any detailed info from her, and she isn't the best communicator. If you ask her two questions in a mail she'll just answer one and then not in the way that you thought and even that is still not clear. Imagine asking, "Do you want to visit your aunt? Shall we have pizza later?" The answer comes back, "I don't like jam." You're left wondering why would you have jam on pizza when she means she doesn't like the jam on the toast the Aunt often gives her. Neither question is answered. So has he visited the neurologist? I'm still working on it. I apologize for being tardy in responding your your most recent update, but now I'm glad I waited because you wound up answering some questions I had but didn't want to ask in fear of being too nosy. The main thing that confused me was how the facility kept you and Mrs M so icily far away. This seems cruel, especially since you all were instrumental in getting him into the place, not to mention that you're his brother. I maybe understand about his partner being the designated "next of kin" or whatever their thinking is, but following that policy to the letter seems stiff-necked and even counter-productive. I am sure you made it clear somewhere in this thread, but from this update I get the impression that his children are younger than I'd thought. It must have been comforting for them to be able to see you & Mrs M. You said he is less jittery & has stopped the repetitive questions. Is that from counseling, or from medication? Is the lack of understanding about time, for instance, all part of his general mental state, or could it be from medication? Apologies if I'm being too intrusive.
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Post by onlyMark on Jul 23, 2021 7:25:51 GMT
The main thing that confused me was how the facility kept you and Mrs M so icily far away. This seems cruel, especially since you all were instrumental in getting him into the place, not to mention that you're his brother. I maybe understand about his partner being the designated "next of kin" or whatever their thinking is, but following that policy to the letter seems stiff-necked and even counter-productive. The explanation given to us is to stop problems occurring when there are multiple points of contact whereby the Home may not be sure who to contact about what and whereby one relative or other may complain that they weren't told and/or the question of who can give permission for different things etc etc. Plus the dreaded data protection and company policy. Sometimes trying to get info out of a UK hospital about a relative being there is similar and there is little flexibility in what personal information is or can be given out. (A relative once had mental problems necessitating a hospital visit as they thought they were a sofa. I phoned up and asked how they were. The answer was, "Comfortable".) We've mentioned about this to the Home but to no avail that I am his close blood relative but unless I become his point of contact, which means I'd then have to sort out many affairs in Spain I'm not there for or capable of, and knowing his partner she'd be pleased enough to leave me to it and do nothing for him at all - so she can be with that responsibility and I'll just carry on trying to prise information out of her and others until there is something serious and short term whereby I'll get heavier if the need occurs. I am sure you made it clear somewhere in this thread, but from this update I get the impression that his children are younger than I'd thought. He is sixty six now, He has twins of fifteen and youngest of nine. He started late. You said he is less jittery & has stopped the repetitive questions. Is that from counseling, or from medication? Is the lack of understanding about time, for instance, all part of his general mental state, or could it be from medication? Yes. Or no. Not sure - but - I doubt he has counselling. He may have a chat now and again to see how he is with a medical person at the home, maybe to update his medication, but that's it. I'm sure there is a certain sedative aspect to his medication partly for his benefit but partly for the benefit of the Home as well if I'm a but cynical and I'd expect there are quite a few others there on it as well. Something quite mild though, nothing too dramatic. But I put a lot of it down to a regular routine, proper food, lack of uncertainty about what is happening, stability and all those mental things associated with not drinking and suffering withdrawal symptoms in the short term and just having a steady/bit boring life in the long term. Hit him with something he has to do that is unknown or that he has to remember and I'm sure the jittery and repetition would come back. The lack of time understanding thing - this is just a more exaggerated version of how he's been all his life. We have many family stories of, for example, before the times of mobile phones etc, me waiting in Granada for three days after the arranged date/time to meet up with him. Then I still had to search for him. When I found him he said he didn't realise what day it was (not drunk, just his normal state). I asked him why he's not kept check, he said he knew I'd wait. We arranged to meet the next day at a certain time to travel to Portugal in my car. I warned him to be on time - he was, which was a surprise. He doesn't wear a watch and takes pride in 'not being ruled by time'. We met that morning and I said we'd go then, he said he just needed a paper to read and walked to get one. Half an hour later he'd not come back. I went to look for him. Took me an hour but I found him sitting in a cafe, with said newspaper, but having his breakfast. I said I'm waiting to go, his justification was he'd not yet had breakfast and lost track of the time (reading his paper). Lastly, he went to a pop festival for four days. I dropped him off as it as out in the sticks, nearby. Told him I can pick him up but at 10am several days later. He didn't appear until 6pm saying he'd lost track of time. At least he got the day right. Anything with him time related is not new, just now exaggerated somewhat with his general mental state.
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Post by kerouac2 on Jul 23, 2021 10:17:31 GMT
Although it was said to be better to obtain legal guardianship of my mother, but which required a court procedure, I got by just by being the official "person of reference" for my mother. "Can she have a flu shot?" -- that sort of thing. And one of the first things that you learn is that following a constant routine is the very best thing for what is left of their mental health.
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Post by onlyMark on Aug 3, 2021 18:36:04 GMT
Been to see him again, this time by myself, for an hour. I've decided we can have the same conversation four times. Fifteen minutes each time and repeat.
I did though achieve, by collaring the supervisor who unfortunately for her, walked past me, to find out some details of his medication - or in fact, lack of medication. Plus got her to answer a question in front of him that he had told me was a worry for him. He is now taking a blood pressure tablet every morning and this runs in the family so it's not a concern. I have to, he has to, my mother had to, her parents had to, so no problem. He has no medication to attend to his mental problems, the several doctors he's seen all agree there is nothing that will make it any better as long as he is calm, well fed and physically fit enough. Plus obviously, not taking any drugs or drinking.
The question answered by the supervisor will be remembered by me, but not him, I'm sure, and he'll have the same fear as before because he is convinced the Director of the Home has told him he may have to leave "because of Brexit". Irrational fears are part of his mental state and he has had them anyway over the years, like with his concept of time being part of his make up. It is just that now they are more believed. The supervisor assured him that he is a Spanish resident/citizen, cannot be chucked out, has been in Spain for nearly forty years, is receiving a pension, has a Spanish partner and is the father to three Spanish children. Yet he still feels his ejection is a possibility. He doesn't believe what he is told by me or the supervisor.
Going back to medical matters, he was due to have a CAT or MRI scan and was taken to have it but at the last moment refused to get it done. I asked him why and he said he suffers from claustrophobia. I mentioned all the caving and potholing he has done over the years must have been a real trial for him then. He just laughed. He then said it was against his human and civil rights. It's pointless getting to the bottom of that comment with him as no matter what reasoning I can apply for him that it isn't, he'd forget what I'd said a few minutes later and continue with the same belief. Mainly it comes down to his fear that they'll find something wrong with him. He prefers to believe that if he doesn't know, then it doesn't exist.
That's it mainly. If anything changes I'll let you know.
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 3, 2021 19:18:47 GMT
You may have already told us, but what is your age difference? When all of this is happening to a parent, it is almost "normal" because they generally have at least 20 or more years on us. But when the age difference is a lot less, it can bring it too close to home.
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Post by htmb on Aug 3, 2021 21:02:00 GMT
Mark, it sounds like you learned a lot of good information when talking to the supervisor. Smart move on your part!
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Post by bixaorellana on Aug 3, 2021 22:48:38 GMT
Oh, great good luck to have snagged the supervisor! I guess the CAT/MRI would be to determine if there is a physical reason for his mental problems. Maybe they'll try again later & he'll let them. I suppose you and, before you, your parents all speculated that his eccentricities might be organic.
Is he happy to see you when you visit?
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Post by onlyMark on Aug 5, 2021 6:58:26 GMT
K2, age difference is he is three years older than I am. htmb, I saw she wasn't in a nurse's type uniform but looked like she worked there as she walked towards us, so I quickly asked my brother who she was. The answer made me stand up, apologise for interrupting her but I needed to ask a question or two. She readily obliged.
Bixa, as you say with the scan and I think it's just to cover all the bases but don't expect they think a tumour or whatever is the problem and yes I've certainly felt he was in some aspects a little 'weird' - example - his sense of humour - he's said at various times to people about his partner, "She may be ugly but she's beautiful inside," and often when she is standing at the side of him. Nope, not the thing to say but he thought it was witty and funny. I told him more than once about that.
Yes, very happy to see me and cries when I leave.
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Post by onlyMark on Aug 15, 2023 20:41:24 GMT
Update - all has been going well and he is fitter than he has been for may years due to the no alcohol/drugs rule in the care home. But the mental problems are still the same. I don't expect there to be any change for the better at all but at least he doesn't seem worse. Quite stable really. This is why there was no update for a couple of years due to "no change" being the operative phrase. But -
His partner and his kids are in the north of Spain visiting relatives as they do every year. She is the sole point of contact for him and so she immediately contacted me last night because she'd been told by the care home he'd collapsed as he'd had a stroke or a seizure and was sent to have emergency care in a hospital in Granada. Knowing we wouldn't get any news in the short term from the hospital we waited until this morning before contacting them. In the meantime though his partner had been contacted to say he was undergoing tests to see what the problem was - so we arranged to visit him in the emergency department late this morning. She had scant info as to his condition as I think she doesn't really know the right questions to ask.
I turn up at the hospital with Mrs M in tow and only one person can see him at a time, so I go in. Well, he looked fit and healthy, compos mentis and so on. I had a conversation with him, he was lucid but had no idea what had happened. Couldn't remember it at all and had no idea why he was in the hospital. If he hadn't the original mental problems I would have been concerned when he was saying that but I felt, and I think accurately, he just couldn't remember as he remembers virtually nothing short term anyway.
I came out before the time was up and spoke with Mrs M. She went in, had a few minutes with him then collared a doctor to ask him about diagnosis and prognosis. The doctor said he'd know more after some test results come in. We went for lunch and returned.
The next time Mrs M went in first and I slunk in with a crowd. Mrs M spoke with the same doctor (unneeded to say but he was very busy) and relayed what he said to me, which was they can't find anything wrong from the tests. I asked, which Mrs M translated, what actually happened from what he'd been told (was sitting down a few hours reading/watching TV, stood up, became dizzy and faint, collapsed on the floor, nurse heard him fall and came in to his room, helped him back up but was disorientated, wobbly and shaky, sat him down, called emergency services) - I'd seen in the hospital he was on a saline drip - so I asked what was the difference between a more serious diagnosis and plain dehydration, especially as all the tests were negative (bear in mind days of over 40 degrees). The doctor looked at me, looked at Mrs M and agreed, it was a possibility (they never say something is a certainty, do they).
In any case, an hour later they sent him back to the care home. That's it. If anything happens from this, I'll update as and when.
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 15, 2023 20:53:09 GMT
I'm very glad for this update because I was on the verge of asking for more recent news but it is rarely appropriate for outsiders to do so. It seems that your brother is being well cared for (hospital the moment something happens) and the care home just needs to factor in how to adjust its procedures in the extreme temperatures.
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