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Post by questa on Feb 17, 2020 6:18:09 GMT
I deliberately dropped Mrs Cain into the narrative because I hoped it would show just what self contradicting and unbelievable tosh is served up (and believed) by the non-thinkers. There are many examples but I chose this one to remove from Mark's thinking that it is expected, nay, compulsory for him to put himself and his family through this stressful time. If Mark, and the other narrators that are on here now, choose to help where they can, it is a free choice made from their own compassion.
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Post by mossie on Feb 17, 2020 8:04:01 GMT
I must admit to a 'heart of stone', as I am almost totally lacking in compassion. In my brothers case, his life is up to him, he has to live it his way, I have had enough of my own troubles to deal with without sharing his into the bargain.
I must apologise to Mark for trampling all over his thread, he is a real hero to tackle the family problems he faces as he has.
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 17, 2020 13:27:57 GMT
Mossie, you always tread lightly. It must be those brothel creepers you always used to wear.
Just to be clear, whatever I achieve extra in the next week or so is about it. Then I go back to my life and my other 'problems'.
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 17, 2020 13:29:23 GMT
This is the toilet roll collection from nothing yesterday. This is what has been collected from 9pm last night until 9am this morning -
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Post by mickthecactus on Feb 17, 2020 13:49:01 GMT
Nobody can blame you for that. You’ve already gone above and beyond.
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 17, 2020 15:05:55 GMT
Thanks Mick.
Update - he has just gone via the kitchen to the toilet. I now have no kitchen roll nor toilet roll left. It is all in his pockets.
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Post by kerouac2 on Feb 17, 2020 16:21:09 GMT
Does he get annoyed if you point out such things? He must have awfully big pockets.
How about testing him by removing all paper products from your flat before you bring him there? How would he react?
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 17, 2020 17:33:34 GMT
If it's not there he wont notice and thus not take anything. He has a lot of pockets which get stuffed. Trousers, fleece and large leather jacket with about six pockets. No he doesn't get annoyed, he just says he wants it and when I tell him no, he is fine with that - and that is only because I am his brother.
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Post by htmb on Feb 17, 2020 17:34:59 GMT
You could hide all your paper and be like a toilet attendent. Hand him only what you think he might need as he heads to the toilet. You’re in a tough spot, Mark, but you seem to be coping very well and getting proper care for your brother. More power to you! I can relate to Mossie’s feelings about his brother. Mine made some really bad choices during most of his life. I’m guessing much of it was caused by his brain being "wired differently." Mentally, he wasn’t as bad off as your brother, but his drinking, drug use, and other poor health choices caught up with him and he died from a bad case of the flu with pneumonia at age fifty. I tried to be kind and understanding when I could, and I took care of him in various ways, but there were also times when I had to cut him out of my life to preserve my own health and that of my young children.
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Post by mossie on Feb 17, 2020 19:26:24 GMT
Now to completely sidetrack this, Marks reference to 'brothel creepers' reminded me of a forgotten era.
It became a habit to wear 'brothel creepers' among aircrew of my generation when we flew in proper aeroplanes with big fans in front to keep us cool. Brothel creepers for those who doubt our morals, were suede leather shoes but with thick crepe rubber soles, very quiet and comfortable. When we traded in our aircraft for the hot 'point and squirt' jobs we had big problems. These ran on paraffin and because of their great thirst, would be filled to the brim normally soon after landing. When night flying this meant that the aircraft were refuelled in the cool night and then stood in the heat of the sun until someone had to fly them the next day. this meant that the fuel expanded in the tanks and overflowed onto the ground. To get into them meant paddling through a millimetre or two of fuel with disastrous results for the crepe rubber, which simply dissolved. This meant a hasty return to wearing the issued flying boot which had a tough composition sole resistant to any fuel.
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 17, 2020 20:00:33 GMT
Life was hard back then Mossie. Fancy having to wear the RAF issued shoes. Bugger me.
htmb, is amazing in a way that there are so many of us that have suffered from the problems of close relatives. Giving him what I think is the right amount I doubt will work. He can use what he wants, but I now check his pockets when he comes out of the toilet. The kitchen roll I have hidden away.
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 17, 2020 20:08:07 GMT
To collect all the information together I have written a list of his difficulties and this will be forwarded to the doctor and social workers tomorrow. It goes as follows. I'll post the English version for you as I doubt he Spanish one will go down too well. Might leave a few of you in the dark -
Robert xxxxxx born xxxxxx.1955 by Mark xxxxxx, brother.
He is very insecure and requires constant affirmation. He is paranoid, does not trust any doctor or social services or authority or ex-partner to do what is good for him and believes he will be locked up and restrained. He does not believe he is paranoid and just says about everyone that he has to be careful of them. When asked why he has to be careful he says he has seen this in films and read it in books. He finds it difficult to separate fiction from reality. Forgetful more than 30 seconds Obsessed with collecting toilet paper, food and will pick up anything near him expecting it to be his. Obsessed with not eating food with sugar in it and feels anything sweet tasting must contain sugar. Obsessed with checking his possessions and the contents of them. He needs constant repetition of facts and does not retain information. He does not understand or remember the Restraining Order against him. He cannot appreciate or remember why the Restraining Order was imposed or what the consequences are of breaking it. He is obsessed with seeing his children and cannot follow the process of how he may be able to in the future. He continually asks to see his parents and cannot remember they died on 2011 and 2014. He was even with his father when he died, yet he cannot usually remember this. He cannot follow and retain simple instructions and is impulsive. He cannot absorb new information, changes in environment or circumstances. He needs everything in written form, by him or others, and yet does not remember this has been done and will collect and store all the paperwork but will not remember he has them to refer to. He has not drunk beer or taken any drugs since I met him on the 11th February that I know. He shows no signs of withdrawal symptoms. His personal hygiene is very bad and suffers from bowel problems and becomes unaware he has dirtied himself. His sense of direction is now very poor and gets lost if outside by himself. The major problem is the poor short term memory affecting everything in his life and the constant repetition necessary in answer to the same questions over and over again, such as details of the Restraining Order, why he cannot contact certain people or that he can’t contact them, what arrangements are made and when, what appointments are made and when, where he is sleeping and why and so on. Regarding his physical health he is underweight and undernourished. He will eat at times but will not eat the right nutrients or enough food. He has lost most of his muscle mass. He has lesions on his body, especially his scrotum. Over the last few years he has suffered from an ankle injury and passing blood in his urine because of kidney problems. I am not aware of what, if any, treatment he has received for these.
Mark xxxxxx, brother.
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Post by kerouac2 on Feb 17, 2020 20:33:09 GMT
Ouch. But dedicated medical professionals should be able to handle a significant amount of these symptoms. Yes, I understand that "dedicated" is the sticking point.
Obviously, concerning memory, I have a lot of experience. My mother asked me "what do I have to do?" at least 100,000 times before she stopped talking.
Eating heartily was no problem, so at least that was one thing I didn't have to worry about.
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Post by questa on Feb 17, 2020 23:48:39 GMT
Men in his position are often suffering from malnutrition and it can be difficult to get them to eat well. There are supplements that can be used to increase his nutritional needs. Mark, from your impressive list of problems I see that malnutrition is one that can be treated. I know Robert is having vitamins but he needs calories and proteins as well. These are usually sold as powders that you mix with water or milk and have as well as a good diet. 'Ensure Nutritional Drink','Nutricia', 'NICE CG32', 'Forticare' and 'Nutriset' are some you may find.They can be as drinks, yoghurt, savoury or puddings. Robert probably won't need the other vitamins while having these drinks. Check with doctor or good pharmacist. Of course you are probably doing this anyway Hang in there, good buddy!
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Post by spaceneedle on Feb 18, 2020 7:46:04 GMT
Mark, you've got a lot on your plate. Hang in there.
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 18, 2020 7:53:26 GMT
Questa, thanks for that. The diet side of the problem I am covering and I did simplify it by just mentioning the vitamins, and there are supplements that he is consuming that I make him do every day. But, if you note the problem about sugar, the fixation/obsession, he detects sweetness in most everything of that nature and doesn't want to eat it because he feels it contains ooodles of refined white sugar which he refuses mostly to eat. I have alternatives and it is like trying to get a little child to eat their greens. Mainly it is hidden somehow.
If you consider yesterday we had breakfast out and he had four rashers of bacon and two eggs with baguette bread and fresh orange juice, lunch was a ceasar salad, with baguette bread (always you get bread in cafes/restuarants) and fresh pineapple juice, and at night I fed him home made chips with tinned tomatoes, baked beans and a home made minced beef burger. He snacked on oranges. Apart from other nutrient stuff he is taking and even though this example may not be the best diet, it sure is stuffing him full of things. The harmful fats or whatever at the moment are of minor concern to me and I will feed him what he will eat. If I can can him at least eating a reasonable amount each day then it can be adjusted to make it more normally healthy. Currently my aim to is get him used to eating again so there has to be a bias to what he likes.
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Post by questa on Feb 18, 2020 11:28:35 GMT
Your approach is 100% text book. Serve anything at all to get him eating, then gradually it can be fine-tuned. How are you feeling? Have you been able to have a break yet?
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 18, 2020 14:03:06 GMT
Nice to know I'm doing it right. Common sense to me anyway.
As for me, I will be having a break tomorrow because he has several appointments arranged (at short notice, hah! serves them right for being uncoordinated and slow and letting me see them and telling them), so he will be busy most of the day and I'm not inclined to be sitting in waiting rooms whilst he is examined/assessed etc etc. I will have a difficult time informing him that I wont be seeing him, but I do need a bit of a break and to review where we are so I can see what is the best plan later this week and for it to carry on when I leave.
My main aim is to get the organisation/authorities talking to each other, to get them to pull their fingers out and one social worker (Raquel Prieto, hello! You've already been told off by me for spouting generalisations and not specifics) to always get the full picture and have full authority, rather than fragmented information in different places.
My tactic/angle of attack with this is the longer they leave it, the more care he will need which will cost the social services more in the long term and be an unnecessary drain on their resources, when if they acted early, maybe a smaller intervention into his life would be adequate - e.g. leave it too long and he will need full time care in a home/clinic. Nip it in the bud and maybe he can live somewhere assisted but not with 24 hour supervision and care - or live by himself (no chance but they don't quite realise that yet) and get someone to pop in to see him every day for half an hour. Maybe meals on wheels thing as well.
In effect, let them see what it is in for them (saving time, money, trouble, resources) if they expedite matters as quick as a rat up a drainpipe. Shit off a shovel...... etc.
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 18, 2020 14:12:18 GMT
The result of day three of posting photos as I've been monitoring it from when I arrived. I think it's getting less -
View of the Sierra Nevada ski field. Never seen it with so little snow at this time of year. There are a few more runs I think somewhere over the back of the mountain facing the coast. I'm at 2200m, there is about 300m above me, off the top of my head -
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Post by kerouac2 on Feb 18, 2020 14:17:30 GMT
The result of day three of posting photos as I've been monitoring it from when I arrived. I think it's getting less - But it looks like there is some food establishment that he visits that will be running out of serviettes soon.
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Post by mossie on Feb 18, 2020 15:01:55 GMT
You have to be wary of 'social services'. You are doing a lot of their work for them and they are very happy for that situation to continue.
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Post by mickthecactus on Feb 18, 2020 15:10:07 GMT
Will he be able to turn up for the appointments on his own though?
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 18, 2020 16:05:34 GMT
K2, not just one place, I'm sure. I've asked him how come he gets so many from being dropped off at night to being picked up in the morning. where does he get them from? He doesn't know. I am certain he's not drinking because it is easy enough to smell, even the next morning, and it isn't that, but they must be bars/cafes he visits. I tend to believe there are two places he goes, once in the evening and once it the morning where they get food and are escorted there and back. I suspect he picks them up there and from their toilets plus the toilet in the shelter.
Mossie, I'm not making the appointments and not acting as an intermediary after an initial things I did to get the official bodies to talk to each other. What is happening is that they were independently making appointments to see him or for something else elsewhere but now they are just informing me where/when the appointment is after consultation between themselves. Instead of these things being done independently, left hand and right hand thing, and half-heartedly, I am beginning to get them to marshal their forces together and more rapidly. So they are doing their jobs, not me. I'm more chivvying them along.
Mick he never now goes anywhere by himself. This is one thing I have got them to do. Someone takes him, waits and then brings him back. It has happened in the early stages he was told where and when and either forgot (highly likely) or just didn't bother going. I made sure I told them in no uncertain terms - the social services and the homeless shelter - they must supervise him more, they must take and bring back, otherwise the efforts you put into getting and making an appointment is futile and wasted. You may as well not bother - which will make your jobs harder in the long run. That is why his doctor was moved from one surgery to another, so that the shelter could take him and not rely on him to go by himself, and then not turn up.
I have found it quite often in matters like this, and often in normal life, and I'm sure we have often been frustrated by it ourselves, that consequences are either not thought of, or dismissed as unlikely, or just not bothered considering due to laziness. Many bodies of authority seem to fail to consider beyond the first step of their actions. In the last week or more I have had to plainly speak to these people and not really give them a 'what if' scenario, more tell them if you do or do not do this thing, whatever it is, what happens next? Often a blank stare and deep in thought as though they've never thought that far ahead. Two bloody steps, I tell them. Two bloody steps and you have not thought about it? Gordon Bennett.
E.g. Second Gulf War - exit strategy by the USA and allies - yeah, right, really thought that through didn't they? Go in, kick shit and bomb things, stage one. Stage two, stabilize country, step three, leave. Step one - good execution. Step two - definitely could have been better. Step three - you mean there's a step three? - and this is the major world power not thinking ahead to the consequences of their actions. No wonder normal people pay it scant regard.
However, rambling on like this passes the time whilst he is quiet and watching the football. By the way, don't let it out, but it's my birthday today as well. I admit I've had better ones, but none of our family celebrate them anyway, so it's of little concern. I did treat myself to a bacon sandwich (two) with ketchup, two slices of corned beef, half a pot of cottage cheese and two pickled onions. that'll do me. I seem to remember doing a lot of things in my life and I'm still only thirty two. Don't know how I fitted it in.
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Post by htmb on Feb 18, 2020 16:25:29 GMT
Happy birthday, Mark. Glad to hear you treated yourself to the bacon sandwiches. Mine is later this month. Bacon sandwiches sounds like a good plan.
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Post by kerouac2 on Feb 18, 2020 16:28:00 GMT
Well, happy birthday then. I never really celebrate my own, but if I had paid attention, I'm sure that many of them were shitty.
Speaking of which, one thing that my mother always said was "I will NEVER forget your birthday, because I have never hurt so much in my entire life." And then one year she didn't call, so I called her and asked if she had forgotten something. She had no idea what I was talking about, so I knew that it had begun.
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Post by mickthecactus on Feb 18, 2020 16:54:47 GMT
And mine on Friday.
Summer holidays have a lot to answer for.
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Post by htmb on Feb 18, 2020 17:06:37 GMT
Memorial Weekend (the end of May) was always a very exciting time my biological mother. Both my younger brothers, born two years apart, have March 5th birthdays.
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Post by cheerypeabrain on Feb 18, 2020 17:42:11 GMT
Considering what you are going through I hereby allocate you one extra 'official birthday' to be taken when you are back with your lovely wife and girls.
You know that you're doing everything that you can. Ultimately you will have to walk away. I hope that your brother gets some of his marbles back if that's possible. You are bloody brilliant. Good luck. X
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Post by mich64 on Feb 18, 2020 19:46:18 GMT
Happy Birthday Mark.
I hope when it is time for you to leave, the social services agencies have a plan in place to carry on with his wellness and care.
Like so many of us, our family has gone through some very serious issues as well (multiple immediate family members), we still have to stay vigilent and aware with some with mental health issues. We were fortunate that finally other family members eventually became involved and are helping.
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Post by onlyMark on Feb 18, 2020 20:14:00 GMT
Kind words, all of you.
I left him a note on the toilet cistern written on kitchen roll not to take any toilet paper or kitchen roll. He's taken the note.
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