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Post by kerouac2 on May 8, 2021 17:10:50 GMT
We all know that we should keep our mouths shut about sensitive subjects, but sometimes we can't help ourselves. So I thought that perhaps we could unload about some of the things that we said to friends which were correct but that probably never should have been said.
Among my most serious faux-pas was telling two different friends that they had fallen in love with the wrong person, something which I understood from the first moment I met the other person, so how could they be so blind? ("Love is blind.") I was correct, but it took five years for one of them to finally understand and three years for the other one. The damage was done, though, because nobody appreciates anyone who says "I told you so" even if it is only by mental transmission. They are still friends, but I know that they will hide any future relationships from me as long as possible because they won't want to know my opinion. The daughter of one of them is still going to a therapist because her mother is batshit crazy, something that I spotted from the start and of course she had custody of the child.
For minor subjects, my lack of diplomacy actually became an attraction at the office among my female colleagues. They would come to me with their new hairstyle or their new outfits and ask for my opinion. "At least you will tell the truth." I had a way of expressing disapproval which was not too hurtful, but the message came across. "It might have been good to try another style" or "The fabric could work in different colours." Often they would be displeased but the fact that they had asked tended to indicate that they already had doubts but felt that everybody else had lied to them. Jeez, they would some to ask me from all four floors of the office. Their closest colleagues were always the biggest liars of course.
And so what shouldn't have you told someone?
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Post by whatagain on May 8, 2021 17:32:55 GMT
I don't often give advice and less and less.
I tend to say 'i would think of this or that' then 'oh you did, great, then the decision you take is the right one'.
My father told me once, after i complained about my girlfriend that it was hopeless, she would never change and i should drop her.
Well i married her, she never changed but i can't help it, i love her and what never changed, well, doesn't bother me so much after all ... tbat was 30 years ago.
It kind of vaccinated me about giving advice...
😁😁😁
Last time a guy asked me what he should do, because there were things he didn3like with her girlfriend.
I said 'do you love her ?'
He said yes.
So i told him to keep going on, and maybe to tell her his griefs. Diplomatically.
He did neither and they split. 🙃
But i made and still make blunders...
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Post by questa on May 10, 2021 23:40:56 GMT
Another way to handle "giving advice" that is of a personal nature is to say "I don't like giving advice but maybe I can help you clarify the issues you are concerned about..." and summarise what they say. Phrases like "Sounds to me like you are feeling unsure/ angry/ sad/ etc" will often get the person to make their own decision.
And here is me giving advice of a general nature, as they say.
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Post by tod2 on May 11, 2021 11:02:34 GMT
Your advice is always good Questa - No, actually it is pretty darn fantastic! Must be your wide experience of travel, meeting people, and summing up many many situations.
Last night I was watching a few episodes of "Caught in Providence" - that wiley old fox of a judge said he always tried to see the situation from the eyes of the person standing in front of him in the courtroom. He gained a better perspective of the situation when he did this.
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Post by cheerypeabrain on May 11, 2021 12:14:30 GMT
I open my mouth without engaging my brain all the time. It gets me into bother. Especially with OH.
At work I was a reasonably capable staff member, but would sometimes ask advice from colleagues...didn't matter to me how old they were. Policies and standard operating procedures within the srvice were always being tweaked or changed completely so altho the science didnt change, methods and protocols frequently did. It was usually a health and safety/audit additional step with lots of paperwork. When you are providing an emergency service for critically ill patients filling in forms is the last thing you want to do...but if you didn't there would be hell to pay. Thank goodness I could seek help from my workmates.
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Post by tod2 on May 11, 2021 16:29:45 GMT
Cheery you were so lucky you had workmates that helped you. In Africa that is the opposite. We call it the Crayfish mentality. Ie: You have a bucket full of crayfish - the bottom crays are desperately clawing their way to get out at the top, but as they reach that point the crayfish already there claw them back to the bottom.
In short - nobody wants another to gain importance over themselves so no help is forthcoming.
When one realises the way work assignments are conducted, you make other arrangements like giving specific instructions and methods where no brainpower is needed to think " öutside the box".
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Post by kerouac2 on May 11, 2021 18:00:21 GMT
One thing that was really strange in my company was how afraid everybody was to make any independent decision. Well, actually it wasn't strange at all when you consider the fact that it was a Saudi company. But I had a better understanding than most of the (lack of) power of the head office in relation to French work contracts. I did my work independently according to my own values and knew that I risked almost nothing. (I can imagine how jealous a lot of you might be.) I actually became quite famous at my own office because as the years went by, everybody consulted me about what to do, including some of the managers. Even though I had no official power, they would ask me to authorise or stop certain things, probably on the hypothesis of "if he can get away with it, so can I!"
Many (but not all) of my decisions were against the financial interests of the company but were what I considered to be the "right" thing to do. Than again, who cares if the Saudis are losing a bit of money?
Luckily, when I left the company, I didn't feel sorry for my remaining colleagues since almost everybody had left well before I did (with the 15 months of salary that I had negotiated for them). In fact, the company kept me for an extra 6 months to handle everything because they thought I was doing such a good job (ugh). The day I left, I received an additional (very big) cheque for their appreciation, about ten more months of salary than the basic package.
After a peak of 135 employees in the 1980s, there are only 15 employees left.
But I still feel that my honesty, combined with my hypocrisy dealing with local management, helped quite a few people while infuriating top management in Jeddah. They even went through the local lawyers in Paris a few times demanding that I apologise for things that I said to some of those incompetent princes and, no, I never did.
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Post by onlyMark on May 11, 2021 18:22:56 GMT
I've spent the formative years of my kids giving them advice whether they asked for it or not. If they failed to take it and the situation went tits up I never said I told you so but tried to extricate them and/or advise further. Now they are of an age where I've told them they can ask either of us for advice but we won't anymore offer it unsolicited.
In two companies I worked I was asked for advice from the management, gave it and when it went tits up because they thought differently I've always said I told you so.
Mrs M will ask me for advice on technical/practical matters and I'm all too willing to give it and usually offer it anyway if the subject is of that kind.
I never give unsolicited advice on her personal appearance other than to express a positive and if she asks me if her bum looks big or I like her haircut I tend to run into a wall, knock myself out and deliberately forget what she asked me when I wake up again.
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Post by mich64 on May 11, 2021 18:50:18 GMT
My husband and I were sort of talking about this topic this past weekend. It started with a discussion on how stubborn I now am.
When I was working (before my brain injury) my career was extremely important to me and I miss it immensley. There was always something controversial happening amongst the staff, we had an interesting mix of personalities. Through the years I became the unofficial mediator of sort. I prided myself at being impartial, I tried my best to treat everyone fairly, equally and with respect. Now that I am concrete, I believe I would be offering unwanted adivce and comments that would get me into trouble.
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Post by tod2 on May 12, 2021 11:16:55 GMT
Mich - You could never be in trouble with me - I only met you for a few short hours and you seem a delightful little pussycat! Such a delightful person, both you and Mr.Mich. I'm sure he lets you have you stubborn way everytime?!  |
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Post by mich64 on May 12, 2021 14:44:38 GMT
I'm sure he lets you have you stubborn way everytime?! [span style="display: inline-block; background-image: url(" "); background-repeat: no-repeat;"][img oncontextmenu="secure_image(this); return false" src="::grin:: [/span][/quote] You are correct about that tod! Our Venice meet up makes us both smile when in comes up in conversation and Mr. M. often says he hopes we have the opportunity to meet up again when travel resumes. We were quite taken with you both. Just like when we met up with K2 in Paris. But to Keruoac's point, I am sure I have said things to people that I should not have. For instance, I was often telling people "that was not funny at all" when later being told they were being sarcastic. Now, Mr. M. will touch my arm or tap my foot and explain later. It has been helpfull (for those who know me) to wink when they joke so I know the topic is not serious.
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Post by Questa2 on May 14, 2021 8:41:51 GMT
Sorry, The cursor went ballistic and i have wrecked the thread. Hell
I am useless. I apologize to you all.
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Post by bjd on May 14, 2021 8:52:58 GMT
One thing that annoys me with my husband, or maybe it's all men who do it -- I ask for an opinion, then he gets annoyed if I don't follow it. I answer, "I asked for your opinion, not an order."
What are you talking about Questa? The thread is still here.
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Post by mickthecactus on May 14, 2021 9:30:00 GMT
Sorry, The cursor went ballistic and i have wrecked the thread. Hell I am useless. I apologize to you all. Panic not Dame Edna. Nothing happened. |
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Post by bixaorellana on May 14, 2021 14:18:05 GMT
My husband and I were sort of talking about this topic this past weekend. It started with a discussion on how stubborn I now am. When I was working (before my brain injury) my career was extremely important to me and I miss it immensley. There was always something controversial happening amongst the staff, we had an interesting mix of personalities. Through the years I became the unofficial mediator of sort. I prided myself at being impartial, I tried my best to treat everyone fairly, equally and with respect. Now that I am concrete, I believe I would be offering unwanted adivce and comments that would get me into trouble. Mich, I find that hard to believe. Quite often in discussions on the forum, you are the person who goes directly to understanding another's point of view -- and you always do it in a sensitive and compassionate way. As far as being stubborn at home, if you are, it might be because the control over events you once had at work is now transferred to home life. Maybe you're not so much being stubborn as simply standing your ground because you know you are right about something. And really, none of us catch sarcasm all the time.
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Post by kerouac2 on May 14, 2021 14:40:52 GMT
I agree with Bixa, mich, and you are better than most of us because your injury appears to have removed the filters that prevent most of us from speaking the truth a lot of the time.
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Post by mich64 on May 15, 2021 16:08:57 GMT
and you always do it in a sensitive and compassionate way. Thank you Bixa, I usually tend to establish the good in situations and then work on how to correct the bad. As for my stubborness, I think I now lack patience which I believe requires abstract thought and that I do not have. But I am happy that my first instinct is still compassion. your injury appears to have removed the filters that prevent most of us from speaking the truth a lot of the time. Truthful to a fault, which is why my doctor's have explained I would be extremely vulnerable in the workplace. |
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Post by questa on May 16, 2021 0:57:50 GMT
There was more in Tod's post, and I had a few lines typed when this borrowed 'puter took off like a startled rabbit and zipped off about 5 pages of garble before I could stop it. I tried to undo it and saw all the posts disappear into oblivion. Hence the distress. I have removed my sackcloth and ashes, but will will avoid sending messages, posting etc until I get my old PC back.
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Post by questa on May 16, 2021 4:48:28 GMT
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Reply #17 posted 3 hours agoQuoteEditPost OptionsPost by questa on 3 hours ago
There was more in Tod's post, and I had a few lines typed when this borrowed 'puter took off like a startled rabbit and zipped off about 5 pages of garble before I could stop it. I tried to undo it and saw all the posts disappear into oblivion. Hence the distress. I have removed my sackcloth and ashes, but will will avoid sending messages, posting etc until I get my old PC back.
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Post by onlyMark on May 16, 2021 6:25:22 GMT
Could be the mouse is sticking rather than the computer.
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