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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 15:26:31 GMT
I've ever lived alone, I don't know how unusual that is or not. I simply went from living with my parents, to getting married and to having kids. Even the years I spent as a single mother I was not alone, I had my children with me.
I wonder though, what it's like to live alone? How do you deal with the times you don't want to be alone? What do you do to occupy yourself during those times? Do you have a good network of friends and family near by if you need them or not?
What are the good points of living alone, and what are the bad points of it?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 17:26:15 GMT
My best friend just left the mother of his daughter and his greatest anxiety when we saw each other recently was "you know I'm no good at living alone." I had no solution to give him, because everybody I know either lives alone or has never lived alone voluntarily.
We seem to be two totally different species.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 17:32:43 GMT
But to get back to the questions asked, I would say that one of the best things I appreciate about living alone is being able to change my plans at will and without needing to inform anybody.
I also like being able to turn on the television or the radio at 3 in the morning without bothering anybody if I happen to wake up.
On the down side, there are meals. Sharing meals is always better than eating alone, and it also gives one more motivation to cook something special.
The worst part of living alone, in my opinion, is extremely lax housekeeping.
But of course the greatest compensation of living alone is that most of us are not alone when we don't want to be but we can be alone again more or less at the snap of a finger, even if that does not please our friends and/or lovers.
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Post by spindrift on Nov 21, 2009 18:39:10 GMT
I'm an only child so I'm used to living alone. I felt fairly alone all those years I spent living in convents. I had 14 wonderful years of living alone, working and travelling until I finally got married. I'm so glad that I didn't 'settle down' when I was really young. Now I'm alone again but, after a very busy marriage, I've gradually got used to the single life again and I'm happy in it. I don't think I could answer to anyone else now or, like Kerouac, have to explain myself and bend to another person's wishes. I, also, prefer to share my meals with someone and although I'm a good cook I find I can't be bothered to go to a lot of trouble just cooking for myself. It's as small price to pay for indepence.
I would like to have a sympathetic companion when I'm travelling in the Himalayas, someone with whom I could share the wonders that I see every minute of the day. I do have a trekking companion but he never says much and anything he does say is likely to be sarcastic. It's just his sense of humour and I'm used to it. Oh well....I can't have everything.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 18:44:45 GMT
The thing is I can also turn the television on at 3am if I wanted to, they don't hear it. But for sure, in a smaller place that would be hard to do. I don't enjoy cooking much, so not having to prepare large meals would be a good thing for me. Yes, I agree though, that you do need to keep on top of the housekeeping when you live with others, or it can get way too messy. I do miss out on not being able to go out at the drop of a hat, because my youngest is still quiet small. But I definitely have more freedom and time to myself then I used to have when they were younger. At one time, and especially during the years that I was a single mom, all I was was a 'mommy', but now I'm slowing starting to find myself again. My next big hurdle will be to somehow get used to being by myself and to actually enjoy living alone for long periods of time, at least if I want to do the things that I have planed in the future. No doubt I'll still end up somehow living with others anyway.  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 18:51:58 GMT
I've just read your post, spindrift. I understand what you are saying.
Being quite a bit younger then my nearest sibling, and because they all left home very early, I ended up alone quite a bit as a kid too, but there was always someone there at the end of the day. But for sure that teaches you independence.
I found it hard when I first got married, to have to think of someone else and to have to let them know where I was going to be and at what time I'd be back etc. When I became a single mom, I actually found it easier, even with two little kids to raise by myself, then being with the asshole man I had been married to.
When I met my current partner, I was very used to doing what I wanted when I wanted, with only myself and my kids to think about. And it was a BIG adjustment for me, having to consider another adult in my life after all those years. I'm very used to it now though.
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Post by spindrift on Nov 21, 2009 18:58:00 GMT
After my divorce there were times when I nearly died of loneliness but when a chance to marry again cropped up - I couldn't do it. I preferred to live alone....
Now I'm mentally strong enough to ditch a guy when I 'guesstimate' there would be trouble in store taking the long view. Physical attraction has nothing to do with it....if I see trouble looming (usually when the bloke is too goodlooking or Asiatic)...I'm off!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 18:59:00 GMT
Good for you, Spinny!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2009 19:07:34 GMT
All this time I thought you were married Kerouac.  |
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Post by auntieannie on Nov 21, 2009 19:09:56 GMT
oh, how I loved living alone! my flat was a haven for when I wasn't out meeting friends... or receiving friends (either for parties or listening to a friend's heartache) I am the kind of person friends know they can knock at my door and they'll get a cuppa and a critical ear.
Actually, what annoys me most about living with someone else is the difference in sense of what is clean /what cleanliness is about. But we adjust.
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Post by spindrift on Nov 21, 2009 19:13:57 GMT
I'd like to meet you Annie  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2009 6:00:32 GMT
All this time I thought you were married Kerouac. It is not always necessary to live with one's spouse. The home fires are burning in North Hollywood, too. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2009 11:05:17 GMT
All this time I thought you were married Kerouac. It is not always necessary to live with one's spouse. The home fires are burning in North Hollywood, too. I was thinking about all those rollmops and other huge plates of food,that they were for 2. No one eats that much food alone,do they? |
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Post by auntieannie on Nov 22, 2009 15:44:09 GMT
My door is open, Spindrift! |
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Post by lagatta on Nov 22, 2009 15:58:24 GMT
casimira, some of those tall guys have "hollow stomachs" like the proverbial drinkers with a "hollow leg". They can eat huge piles of food and not put on weight.
kerouac beats me in terms of kms for a long-distance relationship, though in my case we aren't married.
I fear I'd have a hard time actually living with another human again, and don't really like that about myself, as I want to remain fluid and open as I get older. I would find it very hard to live alone in isolation, but I live in a co-operative and a close friend lives downstairs and two triplexes over (I'm sure you've all seen photos of typical Montréal triplexes with outdoor wrought iron staircases and balconies), and I have several other close friends within walking distance even in wintertime. And of course we all feed each others' cats and water each other's plants when someone is travelling.
Issues of cleanliness and order are always problematic, but at the same time living with someone, especially someone you care about such as your beloved or a good friend, can also be inspiring in terms of keeping the house looking nice and making it really homelike. I have to force myself to treat self to cut flowers etc to make it a joyous space, although the flat where I live now is really nice with beautiful hardwood floors and a lot of natural light.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2009 16:17:41 GMT
I really do enjoy it when my husband goes on a long road trip.It doesn't happen often. And I know he enjoys it when I am gone for my trips up to NY to visit my family.
There's a lot to be said for alone time. Fortunately,we have a very large house.And I have my garden.It's really rather ideal I must say.I need a lot of space.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2009 16:56:08 GMT
I have known several couples with a "designated" private room for the activities of each. None of those couple has lasted. However, the couples with informal and/or unstated "rules" for more-or-less private areas seem to have fewer problems.
If official rules have to be set right from the start, a couple is already in trouble.
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Post by lagatta on Nov 22, 2009 17:28:47 GMT
Even if they each have a home office?
I can see "chambre à part" being a problem - even in cases where couples may prefer not to always sleep in the same room due to sleep troubles, snoring etc - but I don't see why a work space would be. I do have friends in Paris who each have a small home office, but they are both full professors (and he is a "directeur de recherches" at CNRS). Obviously it takes a good income to be able to buy or rent such a place in Paris. Here it is more common, as rents and mortgages are cheaper, and many flats in times past were designed to sort-of accommodate the huge families of pre-Quiet-Revolution Catholic Québec - though dwellings were very cramped and people slept even in the kitchen. The standard dwelling did not have the inner courtyards Paris dwellings often do, and thus the number of rooms with windows is limited, so there were a lot of "double rooms" and often a tiny front room one one side of the balcony (even working-class dwellings here typically have balconies).
So there are small rooms people might use as an office.
Idem a sewing room, workshop etc - not really "designated" but might be used much more by one partner.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2009 17:51:36 GMT
I was thinking of a "sewing room" and an "office" as two rooms in a relationship that I know of that failed, even after three lovely children.
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Post by lagatta on Nov 22, 2009 19:18:47 GMT
Well, relationships do fail, which is sad as it takes time and effort to build a good one, but sadder still when failed marriages had to stay together in an uneasy truce, whether for the sake of the children or social disapproval of separations.
I know several people married or living together in stable relationships in which at least one of them has a home office. I guess forbidding the partner to enter the office would be a bad sign, but if you work at home seriously, it is hard to do just at the corner of a kitchen table, although we have laptops now. Even in a studio apartment, it is a good idea to set aside a small designated office space. In general, I wouldn't want my partner to be rifling through my work papers, although there is nothing remotely "private" about them in the sense of naughty secrets.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2009 19:46:21 GMT
Our study/office is where we have our computer and all our books,the computer is shared by T. and I . Prior to APIAS I rarely spent time online.But,I used the study for the books. The computer was primarily T.'s territory so to speak. I may have to get my own computer is what I'm trying to say... (He laughs good naturedly at my time on here). |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2009 20:38:07 GMT
I like having my own 'space', I think it's important when you live in a busy family. I think my partner likes his own space and time too. At times he goes out with his friends and I go out with mine, we are still individuals even though we are together.
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Post by rikita on Nov 24, 2009 23:08:51 GMT
well i shared an apartment for a few years after moving out from my parents, and since then i live alone. even in the shared apartment, we each pretty much kept to ourselves, just sometimes met in the kitchen... i wanted my own place though, so i could have noisy sex when i wanted, or guests when i wanted, or not clean up my mess in the kitchen if i didn't feel like it...
i like living alone, i like having my own space and all... my dad lives really nearby, so i can go there if i feel lonely - though yeah, there are times when i suddenly realize i haven't seen another human in a few days, as i spent the time working at the computer, at home... so if i have too much to do to visit anyone, then it can get a bit lonely...
i'd like to live with a partner though, never done that (unless you count three months in prague when i was 20, but that was more an extended holiday i suppose)... well one of these days my bf will move to berlin, it seems, though we haven't discussed yet if he will then find his own place or move in with me. i think i'd prefer the latter, but not sure he'll think it is a good idea...
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Post by lagatta on Nov 24, 2009 23:25:18 GMT
I'm doing the computer monk stuff these days - fortunately it is lovely sunny mild weather so I do get out for bicycle rides, but haven't seen friends very much. Some are back at university themselves, so for anyone studying or teaching, this is a very busy time of year before the autumn term exams and papers. But it can be hard living with someone too when you are working to such a deadline, unless you have a large house.
Monk - or nun - but unless you are referring to famous intellectual nuns like Hildegard von Bingen - there is less the image of the copyist in his cell...
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Post by spindrift on Nov 25, 2009 0:05:00 GMT
So Annie - will you train up to me or shall I drive down to you? I'd need to spend the night though as it's a long way....you can do the same.... perhaps after the New Year?
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Post by auntieannie on Nov 25, 2009 20:35:00 GMT
We have a (rather spartan) spare room with mattresses on the floor. And a secure car parking space, Spindrift. I think after the New Year is best as it is going to be hectic for both of us until then. Although I will need to go to London, to the Swiss Embassy as well as to visit friends. I am sure we can combine something. Looking forward to it!
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Post by rikita on Nov 25, 2009 21:31:50 GMT
todaz was one of those days i didn't leave the house and didn't see anyone - had planned to watch little brother in the evening, but they decided not to go out after all, so that wasn't necessary...
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