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Post by mossie on Aug 28, 2019 18:19:37 GMT
Tough news Whatagain and I am sorry to hear it.
The trouble with these facilities is that they have to be run on a shoestring, local authorities do not pay good money. In addition many places are owned by faceless chains whose bosses take too much money from the business.
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Post by Kimby on Aug 28, 2019 19:15:17 GMT
The important thing is that the staff and administration knows that your father-in-law has advocates looking out for him.
Are you the only visitor? Does he have other children who could pop in now and then? Can you call and visit with staff regularly to see how he’s doing?
The staff at Kerouac’s mother’s facility knew she wasn’t just dumped there, because he was a constant reminder that she had an advocate. Make sure your FIL gets MORE than his share of staff attention, by being the squeaky wheel. In a non-threatening way of course.
Feeling for you, whatagain.
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Post by questa on Aug 29, 2019 1:20:17 GMT
all we can do is keep them “safe, comfortable, and loved”. The rest doesn’t matter. Whatagain, I feel your sense of being helpless in the sad situation with your FiL. Take heart, Kimby's wise words give you strength and guidance. Your FiL is safe with you and the family calling in and talking to the staff about him. You can also sit and read to him from his favourite stories. Touch is very important, give him arm massages and skin to skin touching as much as he wants. This way he will know he is loved. Look after yourself as well.
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 29, 2019 16:25:03 GMT
I kept my mother as stimulated as possible for as long as possible. One thing that was immediately obvious was that she loved riding around in a car. So I drove her everywhere I could imagine, in Paris and through every single suburb. I learned a lot about the streets of Paris and the suburbs.
If your father-in-law had any sort of interest or passion, try to do that with him.
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Post by whatagain on Aug 29, 2019 16:29:52 GMT
He loves to rant and complain. I am thinking of opening a TA account for him. 🤣😂😹😝
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 29, 2019 16:40:21 GMT
Drive him to the ruins of places like Charleroi and say how horrible everything is, that Belgium has fallen and will never rise again. He will probably disagree with everything that you say. That should make you feel better.
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Post by bixaorellana on Aug 29, 2019 17:40:31 GMT
Just to inject a happier note into this generally gloomy thread, my maternal unit turned 92 today. ❤️ ❤️
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 29, 2019 17:47:16 GMT
Happy Birthday to Queen Mother Bixa.
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Post by mickthecactus on Aug 29, 2019 18:36:52 GMT
Seconded!
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Post by whatagain on Aug 29, 2019 18:46:25 GMT
Thirded.
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Post by mich64 on Aug 29, 2019 19:09:24 GMT
Wishing your mother a joyful Happy Birthday Bixa!
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Post by mich64 on Aug 29, 2019 19:13:53 GMT
So I drove her everywhere I could imagine Very loving and caring, a simple thing that probably meant very much to her. Touch is very important, give him arm massages and skin to skin touching as much as he wants. This way he will know he is loved. Look after yourself as well. Great advice Questa, skin to skin is very therapeutic for the body and mind. And yes, make sure to look after yourself whatagain.
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Post by bixaorellana on Aug 30, 2019 2:30:00 GMT
Thank you all very much! The next time I talk to her, I'll pass your kind wishes on. Someone put her birthday on fb, and she was thrilled when my niece showed her how many Likes she got.
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Post by kerouac2 on Aug 30, 2019 20:09:45 GMT
I'm concerned about my in-laws. My father in law is declining very fast. We suspect Alzheimer. The situation is complicated because my in-laws are constantly fighting each others (since years...). So my MIL is getting drained. and my FIL is so aggressive that nobody wants to care. I don't really know what to do to support my wife. I already convinced everybody to check the state of Alzheimer of my FIL and we'll see from there. But it isn't easy, as you all know. And it is not made easier by the fact that there is not much love between my in-laws and myself... And I'm not good at pretending, so I don't even try to pretend. I was going through older posts and am impressed that it was possible to keep your father-in-law out of care for so long. This was the first mention already 3 and a half years ago.
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Post by htmb on Sept 15, 2019 13:46:58 GMT
So sorry, whatagain. These things are difficult and sad, no matter the circumstances. A very tough time for you and your wife.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 15, 2019 15:32:12 GMT
Though it is very hard losing loved ones, I found the unknowns and uncertainties the hardest. Death is final, but also ends those worries and fears for what might happen to your loved one, and whether you’re doing the “right thing” if there is such a thing.
Wishing your wife and you a peaceful transition following this loss.
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Post by kerouac2 on Sept 15, 2019 15:44:09 GMT
My grandfather was so horrible in his final agony that my parents were worried that the stress and demands would kill my grandmother first. But he died and my grandmother was happy to live another 20 years.
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Post by bixaorellana on Sept 15, 2019 16:55:39 GMT
Extremely sorry to hear of this difficult end of a life, Whatagain. My condolences to your dear wife, to all your family and of course to you.
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Post by kerouac2 on Sept 15, 2019 20:49:15 GMT
When I heard my mother's death rattle ("le râle de la mort") there was not a doubt in my mind that it was finished. The nurse came to say that she was going to give her a shot for the pain, but there was no pain by then. I knew what the shot was for. France is so hypocritical because euthanasia is against the law, but clearly it is done anyway.
I still have a little video that I took during the last hour, but I have never had the courage to watch it.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 15, 2019 21:34:36 GMT
Morphine is the dying patient’s friend...
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Post by bjd on Sept 16, 2019 6:18:36 GMT
My mother was with my grandmother at the hospital when my grandmother died. My mother went to tell the nurses and then she was shooed out of the room as though it was something she was not supposed to see.
Bon courage to you and your wife, Whatagain.
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Post by questa on Sept 16, 2019 6:51:00 GMT
he is totally unconsicous now, no reaction and his body fights to breathe. Have you ever thought that his body is fighting to NOT breathe? His awareness of his surroundings left long ago and I imagine his spirit is getting ready for the big transition. I picture that what we call unconsciousness is that spirit closing down the levers and switches that have held it going since birth. The last sense lever is hearing. Comatose people can still hear what is said so we must be aware of what we say in their presence. The spirit has to wait until the heartbeat and breathing cease before it is free. This is the worst time for the loved ones as they feel they can't do anything to help. Morphine is given to ease any pain, It has the side effect of depressing breathing which eases the spirit's way into the afterlife. I like to picture the person's spirit taking an active part in leaving one world for the next. It is sad to lose someone we love. I hope this gives you comfort. Last week I lost a dear man whom I had known since the 60s. Decorated Vietnam Veteran. still had 7 pieces of shrapnel in his skull. Kind-hearted, witty and the gutsiest bloke I ever knew.Cancer of the spine, probably from Agent Orange...fought it for years until he was given the choice...spinal surgery that would leave him paraplegic or more chemo which was now less effective. He chose the former, died 6 months later. R.I.P Andy
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Post by bjd on Sept 16, 2019 11:14:30 GMT
Could your wife not prescribe morphine? Or would that be considered interference?
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Post by htmb on Sept 16, 2019 14:30:48 GMT
We did call the doc. And asked for morphine. She came and took his blood pressure and she he was fine. She then looked at us sternly like we were monsters wanting to kill him. She then wished us good luck. Up to then I Had been correct. I think I still was when I said that dogs were euthanised but humans could die suffering. When he is gone I will send her a nice SMS. That doctor should be ashamed of herself. At this point, she should be helping to make his last moments less painful, while also following the wishes of his family.
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Post by kerouac2 on Sept 16, 2019 14:52:36 GMT
I think that when the (local) family consists of one person, such as in my case, it does not really pose a problem. But when there are multiple family members, I imagine that the fear of some sort of lawsuit increases exponentially.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 16, 2019 14:52:59 GMT
Both my parents’ passing was eased by morphine. Since the outcome is inevitable, it makes sense to me to ease the suffering.
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Post by questa on Sept 16, 2019 23:18:26 GMT
Could your wife not prescribe morphine? Or would that be considered interference? Generally speaking, a Doctor may not treat a family member, specially in this circumstance where the relationship is so close. If it is a sudden life threatening situation the doctor may act until another doctor can take over. Whatagain's wife cannot take over the treatment and give a prescription either. She can have a private chat with the attending doctor and confer on what the whole family wants. Then the attending doctor may prescribe according to her/his philosophy. In Australia we have a document called End of Life plan. While you are in possession of your mental faculties, you fill in a form giving instructions for what to happen and when. things like resuscitation, intubation, life support, down to food and water and medication. You nominate a medical power of attorney person to see these wishes are obeyed.
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Post by htmb on Sept 17, 2019 6:58:42 GMT
We have the same in the U.S., which allowed me to sign off on removal of all artificial life support and request morphine for pain control once my father was diagnosed as having no brain function. This had been my father's wish, and he’d just signed his papers the week before he had a massive stroke.
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Post by kerouac2 on Sept 17, 2019 7:37:42 GMT
My parents filled out their forms in 1993. My father's form was used in 2005 and I gave my mother's form to the nursing home in 2016 with a brief translation. The next day, she got the shot.
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Post by questa on Sept 17, 2019 7:50:28 GMT
and yet...and yet...every time I visit my son and his wife to get the forms filled in and signed, something always turns up to prevent us from getting down to the business. I really must do it but I don't want it to create a scene.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
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