New mothers are older than ever before

[Deleted]

More than double the age of new moms 20 years ago here in Canada, to be precise.

Quote: Health professionals between 40 and 44 are more likely than other older women to have toddlers. One in four female specialist physicians have preschool children - the highest proportion reported of any individual occupations in Canada.


Link: news.ca.msn.com/top-stories/cbc-article.aspx?cp-documentid=21772673

I wouldn't want to have toddlers at that age. I'm glad I started having my kids young. I had so much fun with them, and had the energy to go with it when they were that little. Although, I can understand the advantages of having kids later in life, more financially secure being the big one. But life isn't all about money and what we can buy our kids, I think being poor with them, (and a single mom for years), forged a bond between us that's special in many ways. Hard times have a lot to say of them.

I've seen too many rich kids, who have everything financially from day one, but end up very distant from their parents, and have nothing in common with them at all.

Any opinions on this subject?

[imec]

Seems to be working ok for us. We were 37 and 36 when we had our first and 41 and 40 when we had the second. The decision to have kids late had nothing to do with money - we just waited until we both REALLY wanted them.

I've seen too many kids born to young parents who never really thought about whether it was right for them (rather, they just followed societal "norms") and even more who were conceived in an effort to fulfill an unfulfilled relationship (real bad idea).

Would we do it differently if given the chance? Don't know. We were very happy as DINKs and we are very happy with two kids - one experience doesn't take the place of the other. In some ways, having kids at the age we did makes us feel younger. You have to do what works for you - following the pack doesn't always result in happiness.

[lagatta]

Deyana, this is very individual, but I don't think a 40-year-old woman today (in the wealthy Western countries) is the same as a 40-year-old a generation or two ago. Look at Mme Imec (who is a healthcare professional, but not directly medical). Of course any single one of us can die or fall ill at any age, but in general people are living far longer, and enjoying more years in reasonably good health, than was the case as little as 30 or 40 years ago or so.

[Deleted]

The average age of mothers for a first birth in France has now risen to 30, which is remarkable when you consider that the country nevertheless has the highest birthrate in Europe. (Also, interestingly enough, 55% of children are now born of unmarried parents.)

[tillystar]

It’s very subjective isn’t it? I think it is really down to the individuals involved. Some people don't even have the luxury of choosing 20s, 30s or 40s, it takes them that long to have children, if at all. doesn't make them any worse parents.

I have a toddler now at 33 and if I am lucky enough to have another toddler it is likely it won’t be until I am in my late 30’s. It suits us well, having a baby when we did was the perfect time for us, but early 20s or early 40s are perfect times for other people/families. Like Imec, it wasn’t about money, it was about when we both said “right we really want to do this”.

On the other hand my oldest and closest friend had her daughter when we were 18 (I always tell her I was waiting til she was old enough to babysit to have a baby and she is!) and it has worked out well for them, they are very close and my friend has MS and really couldn’t have coped with a toddler if she had left it any later because of this, although she is an exception.

I don’t hold with the clichés that younger mothers have more energy and older mothers are more patient with their children. I have lots of energy and have lots and lots of fun with my girl, can’t see it’s less than if I had her 10 years ago. In fact I know 10 years ago I would have probably felt very resentful as I was more concerned with seeing the world and going to parties – whether that’s seen as selfish or whatever that’s just the truth of it.

I don’t agree that a big age gap necessarily creates distance either. My Mum had us when she was 35 and 37 and we are a very close family and have lots in common.

I think age isn’t important, just as you say money isn’t either. What counts is that the child is loved by its parents.

[Deleted]

And that's the other thing, many women who wait to have kids until they are 40+ find they simply can't anymore for medical reasons. So many sad cases of this.

It may not always be about being financially secure before having kids, but the fact is in many cases it is. Being the youngest of six kids, I had a much older mother, and really, we don't have a lot in common, she did perhaps have more in common with my older siblings. And I've seen this around me too, the older parents really don't have a clue as to what they're kids are really up to. In some cases, the communication is not always there. And due to lack of energy, a different financial status, the parents takes on another kind of role. The mother in her 20's will have more energy then a mother in her 40's. Just saying it as it is. Ofcourse the older parents can afford to hire Nannies and other help, so maybe that makes up the lack of energy. But then the 'distance' comes into play. Than again, there are a few older mothers (like Tilly) who have a lot of energy, but that's not the norm.


If you don't mind me asking, Tilly, how old was your dad? I remember you saying that he used to discipline you quite harshly? That you used to climb out of your bedroom to go out at night time and that you're childhood was quite hard in some ways?

I do agree younger mothers can be just as patient as the older ones, and in some cases even more so. I've seen some really good younger moms. Who planned their kids and wanted them desperately. And then there are the older parents who decided to have one, just because 'time is running out' and they don't want to miss the boat.

[tillystar]

If you don't mind me asking, Tilly, how old was your dad? I remember you saying that he used to discipline you quite harshly? That you used to climb out of your bedroom to go out at night time and that you're childhood was quite hard in some ways?

Yes that is all true and my Dad was probably in his late 30s when I was born but I don't think that had anything to do with his age, its more to do with the fact he was a tosser. Life was the same for my two older brothers who were born when he was about 20.

(Oh and it was only hard in some ways, in some ways I had a great magical childhood, it wasn't all bad at all as my Mum worked hard to balance it out ;D )

I do think that many of the things that you say are generalisations, they don't match with my experience with family and friends. I still think age is a small factor amongst many which decide what kind of parent a person will be.

I think a lot of it could be to do with generations as well, as Lagatta mentioned. My generation, due to things such as increased disposable income/leisure time and improved healthcare are acting and feeling a lot younger for a lot longer and so what might have been considered "old" and created some of the barriers that you mention in my grand parent's generation are changing. Just like my Mum at 60 is waaaaaaaaay different to my grandma was at 60.

I agree it is very sad for people who leave it too late for whatever reason.

[Deleted]

It's good that your mom was able to balance things out for you as a kid, Tilly.

Not generalizations really, just what I've seen and discovered.

(edited to correct spelling).

[bjd]

It's hardly surprising that the group having children late are female specialist physicians. When you consider that it takes about 10-12 years to be a specialist doctor, then having to work very hard to get started and establish a practice or work in a hospital, it might just be very difficult to have children at the same time.

[Deleted]

That's obvious.

[Deleted]

Sept 18, 2009 4:38:06 GMT kerouac2 said:

. (Also, interestingly enough, 55% of children are now born of unmarried parents.)

Just wondering, what kind of social-economic group are these unmarried mothers from? Or does it vary? Just curious.

[bixaorellana]

If I were to generalize, I'd say the older -- meaning 28 & up -- women are overall better as first-time mothers. This would be because having the child is more likely to be an informed decision, plus the woman is less likely to feel she's missed out on other choices.

But of course that's a generalization and the real truth is that it's extremely personal and variable. I think Deyana's experience and what Tilly & Imec have said certainly expresses that.

And many women with better-paying professions who opt to have their children later do not use nannies, but stay at home instead.

[Deleted]

I guess by older, the article is talking about new moms in their forties. I wouldn't define new moms in their 30's to be that much older, to be honest.

I guess the older moms/parents also have to consider that they may be retired and still have teenagers on their hands on day. But sometimes it just works out that way. There's no wrong or right way to do it. As Tilly said, as long as the kids are loved and wanted, it doesn't really matter what age the parent is. But having said that, personally, for me, and going through all that I did trying to raise them, has left us with a very strong bond, that I wouldn't change for anything.

[bjd]

Unmarried mothers in France are from all socio-economic groups. The presidential candidate who ran against Sarkozy in the last elections was an unmarried mother. Lots of couples in France don't get married and have relationships that go on for years. So, in fact, the term "unmarried mother" as understood in N America is a bit misleading. It sounds negative, whereas you don't hear "mère celibataire" quite as often here.

[Deleted]

Yes, except for extremely religious people (of any religion), marriage is considered by the majority in France to be no more than a tax convenience now by most people, and even for taxes, there is now the domestic partnership law (PACS) which also gives the same tax advantages as marriage, except for inheritance.

[Deleted]

"mère celibataire" sounds real good! I never wanted to get married, hate the idea of it completely.

Same sort of thing here in Canada, couples living together have the same advantages as someone with a certificate.

[lagatta]

deyana, "mère célibataire" is very negative in French. We used that here in the bad old days of stigmatising "unwed mothers", and often pretty much forcing them to give up their children.

Now we just don't say anything.

[Deleted]

So that's what bjd was saying. I get it.

I'm so glad that we don't live in those awful days, when ignorant people would use such words to put others down. Maybe they were secretly envious of the other women's freedom? Being married in those days must have been hell for some married women I imagine.

It's a good job people don't say anything nowadays, especially as the trend looks like marriage may one day become a thing of past.

[Deleted]

"born out of wedlock" is still often used to stigmatize such children, but I personally find that the term "wedlock" is what sounds horrible.

[Deleted]

It's the whole idea of being 'locked' that I find so of putting. Maybe it's just my bad experiences though, of my one, very short lived, marriage.

[tillystar]

Yeah, wedlock is a horrible word.

It makes me think of being shackled to someone for eternity