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Post by gringalais on Feb 17, 2009 16:41:42 GMT
Well, it appears her attitude was just an act when I called her about getting married and they happened to be having a dinner party.
I recently received an envelope from her containing one of those holiday card letters from some friends of hers I vaguely remember. The woman had added a note to my mom because she had a daughter that was considering teaching English in Chile and she thought I might have advice.
I wrote quite a long e-mail for my mom to send to her friend advising against it for the most part. At the end I also mentioned what is going on with my life and discussed the plans we are making for the wedding.
This was over a week ago and I haven't received any response, no thanks for the information for her friend, no comment about the wedding plans. However, last weekend she sent an e-mail with some stupid forwarded cartoon sent to me and my siblings. 2 days later I get an annoyed e-mail from her because I hadn't responded to that. Still no comment on my other message.
Taking a deep breath now . . . I am not going to let her attitude get me down. In all honesty, I assumed this would be how things would go, but I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.
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Post by spindrift on Feb 17, 2009 16:49:24 GMT
I am sorry that she is behaving in this way. I cannot understand her. You must be very distressed. I know that I would be.
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Post by bixaorellana on Feb 17, 2009 17:32:36 GMT
Oh Gringalais, this is awful that her self-absorbed attitude is eroding the pleasure you should be feeling at this important time in your life.
There are three things you may want to try: 1) just ignore her entirely; 2) write another email telling her of your happiness and saying how important it is that a woman feel support from her mother at this time; 3) write or phone to ask her directly why she is ignoring your impending marriage.
Do you suspect that she is distressed because you are marrying a Chilean, thus affirming you may be permanently making your home in Chile?
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Post by gringalais on Feb 17, 2009 18:04:01 GMT
I am going the ignore route. If I try to tell her the truth about how I feel I think she will just get offended, which is her typical reaction. The mutual fund ads may say past performance is not indicative of future performance, but that is not the case here.
I have a few thoughts about while she is not taking it well. I think she considers me her only hope for grandkids. My sister doesn't date at all and my brother hasn't much. When I was with my ex, I think she thought he might eventually convince me to have a kid. When we broke up over the ex's ultimatum on kids, it was another nail in the coffin for that possibility and now I am marrying someone who doesn't want kids either. Sad though that she would want me to give her a grandkid under pressure from a partner when I don't want kids. On a side note, most of her friends kids are busy procreating like crazy and 2 of my cousins on her side of the family are pregnant so I guess she feels left out.
My other thought is that she has always been kind of jealous of things that I have done, like being more independent and living abroad. She got married soon after college and a few years later had me. While she worked most of her adult life, my dad always made a lot more than her, so she was financially dependent. She was surprised to find out that when my ex and I split I was more than capable of paying all the household expenses on my own. I think maybe she thought that one of the things she had that was better than me was that she had a happy marriage while I have not always had the best of luck in relationships. Now I will have that too.
On a 3rd thought, my aunt was married to a Chilean man and it ended badly, but he was definitely from the older, very sexist generation here.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2009 18:20:43 GMT
Rise above what is not worthy of you.
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Post by palesa on Feb 18, 2009 4:28:44 GMT
Gringa, I am so sorry that your mom is not being supportive and I know how hard it is to let go. No matter how old we get, somehow we still seek that stamp of approval.
I tend to agree with K2, try to rise above it, and maybe send a weekly e-mail with updates on your plans for the wedding, just so that she can never suggest that you did not keep her informed, but don't expect her to respond.
Try not to allow this to dampen your spirits over a very special and important day in your life.
(Your on-line moms and sisters are delighted for you!)
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Post by happytraveller on Feb 18, 2009 7:52:08 GMT
I am so sorry, it must be hard to deal with a non supportive mother. I hope you are still able to enjoy this special time (and day), it is YOURS, don't let anyone ruin it !
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welle
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om sweet om
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Post by welle on Feb 18, 2009 9:28:49 GMT
What kerouac, palesa and HT said in the last 3 posts.
Please try to enjoy this happy time in your life-you deserve it.
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Post by gringalais on Feb 18, 2009 11:56:14 GMT
Thanks everyone! My friends in real life and online are being supportive, which is great. There is still that part of me that wants my mom to approve and be happy for me. However, the more logical part of my brain the comes around and accepts it then tries to rise above. I should be on Mars by now .
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2009 12:03:36 GMT
As Palesa said, just keep giving your mother updates and she might come around.
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Post by auntieannie on Feb 18, 2009 21:25:01 GMT
Gringa, are you sure she received the message?
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Post by spindrift on Feb 19, 2009 15:32:58 GMT
Is she far away? Should you try going to see her?
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Post by gringalais on Feb 19, 2009 15:44:53 GMT
I logged into my account last night and made sure that I sent it to the correct address. It was correct and when messages sent from that account do not get delivered I get a message indicating that. I am 99% sure she got it. There was another message from her in my e-mail, sent to my brother, sister and me. It was comments on some pictures my brother had put online (he moved to England for work recently), a few references to some mundane things going on in my sister's life and a mention that she is going out of town and won't be checking her e-mail. She did not even mention the wedding. I think most people would at least ask about how the planning is going.
I had thought about sending more updates as a few of you suggested, but after the last message I think it is better just to write her off and ignore her lack of interest. Apparently my brother's pictures are more important to her than me getting married. I am not much interested in helping any of her friends or friends' kids with information about Chile either. I have done this now at least 3 times without ever getting a thank you.
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Post by gringalais on Feb 19, 2009 15:45:37 GMT
spindrift - I am in Chile, she is in the US, so not really possible.
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Post by spindrift on Feb 19, 2009 15:55:16 GMT
I see. I am sorry for the hurt she is causing you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2009 17:53:14 GMT
My parents disapproved of my brother's first two wives and made it very clearly felt, and it hurt him very much. I disapproved of his first two wives also, but I tried to empathize with him and he appreciated that. So I got a lot more honesty out of him about how unqualified he was to choose wives. The third time, he got it right. His wife is great, and even my parents liked her, but it was really too late to build a relationship by then. They had already made up their mind about my brother and the damage was done.
Gringalais, your mother might have been wounded by some event in the past and that is what is making it impossible for her to support you. But I hope you understand that it isn't necessarily her fault, and I hope that you will manage not to hold it against her. Life is short, but you still have many years to go, so do not let bitterness build up. Keep doing the right things, and perhaps your mother's attitude will finally change.
I will admit that I am perhaps 'old school' because I do believe that it is not a 50/50 situation and that it is always the child who must make the greater effort when there are problems.
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Post by gringalais on Feb 20, 2009 19:46:17 GMT
Well a bit bitchy on my part, I guess, but I ended up sendng an e-mail about the latest planning just to my dad and sister (my brother has not congratulated me or commented at all). She was supposed to be out of town and not checking e-mail anyways. Well, she was there after all, she had car trouble and couldn't travel. My dad and sister responded right away then my dad forwarded the message so I got a response from her then that was okay. I think not initially sending the message to her woke her up a bit, and I am feeling better about things.
Doing some errands, I came across this place that sells of foods for cocktail parties - mini empanadas in many varieties, mini pizzas, mini quiches, little puff pastries for making canapés. I will definitely be buying some stuff from them.
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welle
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om sweet om
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Post by welle on Feb 20, 2009 21:02:37 GMT
The mini quiches and puff pastries sound great!
And try to focus on your wedding. I am glad your sister and dad are better at staying in touch and showing interest. Kerouac is right, there's usually some event in the past that makes it impossible for your mom to be supportive. Right now you are on the receiving end of things however, so please look out for yourself best you can.
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Post by palesa on Feb 21, 2009 6:07:50 GMT
Gringa, I am glad that your mother has at least made contact! I agree with Welle, try to focus on the wedding and all that great food you are going to be serving.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2009 6:41:12 GMT
I am wary of mini pizzas and mini puff pastries -- they generally turn out too dry when they are reheated for serving.
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Post by gringalais on Feb 22, 2009 1:46:48 GMT
Will keep that in mind, Kerouac. I am more leaning towards a few different empanada varieties since I have never met a Chilean that doesn't like an empanada. We saw a good deal on wine today and bought 6 bottles.
I know my mom has issues with my grandmother and sadly it affects our relationship. I think that is a big part of the problem, but my attempts for a serious conversation about the issue never go anywhere either.
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Post by bazfaz on Feb 22, 2009 8:48:34 GMT
I am not qualified to give advice. I just thought I would tell you that I embarked on reading this thread under a misapprehension. I thought the title was: The dating mom.
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Post by gringalais on Feb 23, 2009 11:37:53 GMT
Oh, no my mom is dating ? This will just crush my dad when he finds out .
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Post by Kimby on Feb 23, 2009 19:26:01 GMT
I think you've gotten good advice from others so far. I would add that when an important email is ignored by mommy dearest, you might just copy it into a new mail and say "I'm re-sending this since it seems you may not have received it the first time."
Interesting that being excluded got her interested. She likes ignoring you, but can't bear to be ignored herself. She has issues, but you seem to have your head on straight.
What is the wedding date? So we can telepathically send best wishes your way.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2009 23:58:55 GMT
The dating mom
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Post by gringalais on Feb 24, 2009 4:25:51 GMT
Kimby - March 5th at 9:30 AM Santiago time. Yeah, she hates to be ignored, which is why I pulled that tactic. I generally try to be the mature one since I know she has issues, but I have my moments where she incites me to be passive aggressive, this was one of those.
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Post by missalaska on Feb 24, 2009 14:34:08 GMT
So when you send updates put your dad and sister in the to bar and your mum and brother in the cc. You are very strong, weddings bring out the worst and best in people To be honest this is why I eloped I didn't want anyone's opinions, actions, non-actions etc having any impact. Once everyone important had met my husband and confirmed they thought he was wonderful, we told them we were married. My poor mum, dad and brother had to sit through a christmas dinner with 2 sets of aunts uncles and cousins, keeping their trap shut. I'd told my brother in the pub that morning!!!! Mum broke the news to them a couple of weeks later.
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welleasguest
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Post by welleasguest on Feb 25, 2009 2:12:24 GMT
You are very strong, weddings bring out the worst and best in people This is true. Just wait until you get to the seating arrangements at the wedding... My friend's grandmother had a fit when she wasn't seated facing the bride. Apparently it's a big deal. Anyways, I'm glad everything is moving along. You picked the right partner, the most important thing to consider in a wedding! The rings are really classy and gorgeous btw.
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welle
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om sweet om
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Post by welle on Feb 25, 2009 2:13:52 GMT
Hah. That last post was me, I guess I wasn't logged in.
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Post by gringalais on Feb 25, 2009 3:34:43 GMT
Missalaska, I even considered not telling my family until after the fact, but I thought the fallout might be worse.
Now I have just decided to laugh about my mom's attitude. It's either that or be sad or bitter, which really isn't me. A lot of friends, mostly in the US, have been asking me about the plans, rings and all online. So, in addition to the ring photos I posted here, I put a photo of them on facebook.
My mom is the oldest of 6, she is closest to my aunt who is about a year younger than her and who is my godmother. My aunt is on facebook, so she saw the photo and asked me if I was getting married. She had no idea; my mom never told her even though they e-mail and speak a lot. In fact, I know my aunt is visiting my parents in March, so they are obviously in more contact than my aunt and I have. Apart from facebook, we send holiday and birthday cards, but don't e-mail regularly or anything.
My godmother/aunt sent me an e-mail today. She definitely was surprised that my mom hadn't said anything. I know my mom was going to send an announcement out after the fact, but I would have thought she had mentioned it to closer friends/family. After the surprise, the message was something I would have loved to have gotten from my mom, very happy for me, remeniscing about me when I was a baby, asking about the ceremony plans, asking about my fiancé. I was on the verge of tears reading it, very sweet.
And, when I sent an e-mail also to my family with the ring pictures, my dad responded with a nice message, but nothing from mom. My dad is the greatest. At least I have his full support, which helps a lot.
New theory, maybe my mom thinks I will get cold feet and not follow through, so she doesn't want to tell anyone or really believe it until it happens. Whatever. I am really just trying to not let her drama ruin this for me, and find the humor in her behavior.
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