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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2009 22:32:10 GMT
It's past midnight in South Africa and your birthday has arrived, if I am not mistaken. We all realize that it is not the best birthday in the world, but perhaps last year at this time you never thought that people all around the world would be thinking warm thoughts to you from everywhere on the planet. I guess you can consider it a consolation prize.  |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2009 23:24:01 GMT
Happy Birthday Palesa, Thinking of You! Miss Our Roamings around the Port in my early a.m.Love,C.
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Post by bixaorellana on Mar 25, 2009 0:58:32 GMT
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Post by hwinpp on Mar 25, 2009 1:31:12 GMT
Happy Birthday! May you live 1000 years and become rich!
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Post by happytraveller on Mar 25, 2009 5:56:35 GMT
Happy Birthday sweetie, I hope you can relax and enjoy the massage this afternoon. Big hug from your swiss friend.  |
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Post by spindrift on Mar 25, 2009 9:14:09 GMT
Dear Palesa - happy birthday....and I'm sending you lots of hugs and love.
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Post by palesa on Mar 25, 2009 11:23:47 GMT
Thank you all. It is a very hard day, I am trying to do a few things so that I can distract myself. This morning was particularly hard.
I am going soon for an aromatherapy massage, inspired by my mom.
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Post by spindrift on Mar 25, 2009 16:06:38 GMT
Did you enjoy the massage?
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Post by gringalais on Mar 25, 2009 16:40:05 GMT
Enjoy the massage, it sounds wonderful. I know this is a tough birthday, but we are thinkng of you.
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Post by auntieannie on Mar 25, 2009 19:44:06 GMT
Palesa, Bon anniversaire!
Which essential oils did the masseur/masseuse use?
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Post by palesa on Mar 26, 2009 4:10:28 GMT
I had a very nice massage thank you, the tears just flowed from beginning to end, but my body needed the attention.
I decided to have my brother and his family and my parents in law and sil (who is here from Italy) for a get together dinner, as opposed to a birthday dinner, I realised that no matter which way I did things it was going to be hard. It was a pleasant evening, with tears and a few laughs.
But all in all, my worst birthday ever, and I do get to cross of my first birthday without him.
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Post by happytraveller on Mar 26, 2009 6:47:55 GMT
I am glad you had a few laughs  |
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Post by happytraveller on Mar 26, 2009 7:26:27 GMT
How is his family coping palesa ?
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Post by palesa on Mar 26, 2009 8:42:43 GMT
It is hard to say, I am concerned about them, they seem so stoic, they have shed a few tears, but whilst I do believe they know that Brian is gone, they still can't believe it. I think they are still in the shock phase.
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Post by auntieannie on Mar 27, 2009 20:33:05 GMT
Good that the massage allowed you to cry. Are you able to sleep a bit? Let us know if you need tips.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2009 20:52:28 GMT
I think that the person whose death affected me the most was my grandmother. She was one of the nicest and most sociable people on the entire planet (she was one of those old ladies who could not imagine not starting a conversation with the person next to her on a bus or train, but rather than making people uncomfortable, they appreciated her). She loved me more than any other person on earth, and it fell on me to be the person to take care of her from 1983 until her death in 1992 at the age of 93. (Oh, I really thought I had paid my dues, but little did I know that I would go through the same thing with my mother starting in 2005!)
With great diligence, I visited her at the nursing home, took her to the restaurant, bought her books, walked her around the mall, made the weekly phone calls to Florida so that she could talk to my mother, brought her to my apartment for Christmas... But old ladies do not last forever, and finally she died.
I think I thought about her every single day for about 3 years and dreamed about her almost every other night. I still dream about her, and the dreams become more and more complicated. The other night she was back from the dead again (always surprising, but I am happy to see her), but I was tormented by the idea of taking her to see my mother. "How will she react when she sees that her daughter has Alzheimer's?" Totally fucked up sad dreams.
I have awakened in tears more than once. Anyway, Palesa, I know that this is your so-called birthday thread and that I started it, but please know that I understand your pain and heartbreak very well.
My own pain was relegated long ago to the depths of the night when I am alone with my memories and it does not bother me (or anybody else) to soak my pillow with tears.
The daylight hours should be reserved for living life 'normally' and not giving in to somber thoughts. Right now, it is all too recent and you have no control, but I think that you will soon learn to set your pain aside and reserve it for private moments.
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Post by Kimby on Mar 27, 2009 20:53:37 GMT
Palesa, is it possible that his family seems stoic because they're trying to be strong for you? Maybe they don't want to add to your burden of grief with theirs.
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Post by spindrift on Mar 27, 2009 21:32:31 GMT
my ex-husband was 'stoic' when his son committed suicide at the age of 21. I was horrified when he insisted we keep to our entertaining schedule and nothng was cancelled. I am told that he acted the same way when one of his newborn twins died a cotdeath (his first marriage)....and to this day I don't know what he was feeling (if anything), simply because he would not discuss his feelings.
Given his history and subsequent actions I believe he had no heart. Some people don't.
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Post by palesa on Mar 28, 2009 5:14:36 GMT
With my in-laws it is difficult to say, I think my fil is suffering from a lot of guilt in terms of his relationship with Brian. He was cruel father to a young Brian and Brian was blamed for everything even if it where his sisters fault and he took a lot of beatings for it. There is a story of Brian having been blamed for having done something maybe 40 or more years ago and till the very last time we saw them before he died, his father was on about this thing. Even though Brian stood up at a r ecent family re-union and promised everyone he had not done it, his father still did not believe him (This hurt Brian enormously), that even as an adult he was not to be trusted by his father.
In terms of sleeping, I am sleeping with the assistance of a little white pill. I tried the first few nights without and was just not managing more than an hour or so. Brian was an insomniac so I have spent a lot of time researching sleep hygiene and habits, and am trying to implement those every night, so when I stop my little white pill I am in good sleeping habits.
Having said that, I am not rested at all. And I do dream about him and other confusing things.
Kerouac, I am of a different opinion, I will cry as much as I need to and for as long as I need to and if that be in the middle of the supermarket then so be it, I have no shame in my grief and if it makes people uncomfortable, it is their issue to learn to deal with not mine.
I am sure in time, I will be less and less tearful during the day, as the weeks go by, though I am sure the nights will be long and sad for a long time. But I do not think that grief needs to be reserved for private moments.
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Post by Kimby on Mar 28, 2009 14:04:44 GMT
Palesa, I don't think Kerouac was judging you in his comments, only trying to help you have less unhappy hours as you come to terms with this huge loss...
That said, though, whatever works for you is what you must do. I'm enormously proud of you for your candor and strength.
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Post by spindrift on Mar 28, 2009 14:32:27 GMT
Brian must have suffered a lot in having to come to terms with his father's attitude. It's just amazing how some people just harp on and on about the same old things. It must have been very trying for you too.
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