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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2010 17:43:17 GMT
I love the names of the care companies. You have "Comfort Keepers," Kimby, and I had "Wellness Solutions."
When I went to the wedding of a 3rd cousin, my grandmother's youngest sister Jeanne (who was the grandmother of the groom) was thrilled to see me, but she asked me "Didn't you bring Marceline with you?" My grandmother had already died 2 or 3 years earlier, so I replied, "No, Marceline is probably fine where she is." To this she said, "Oh, she's dead, isn't she?"
Not too long ago, my mother asked if her parents were dead. I confirmed that indeed they were. She doesn't ask about my father. She has forgotten that he ever existed.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 19, 2010 19:47:55 GMT
Talked to my sister who spent the night Thursday and all day Friday with Mom and Dad. She says they are doing great. Dad finished mowing the lawn. Both seem mentally sharper than they have in a while, and are wondering what all the fuss was about. Dad has decided to let his hair go white. (He started coloring when in his 40's, and could never figure out how to stop. The hospital stay has allowed him to get past the awkward stage of growout, and a haircut will finish the process.) My sister will return in October and take them to the cabin for a weekend to finish the winterizing tasks with the help of the neighbors at the lake.
Seems that all is well. Except for their computer, which would not connect to the DSL modem for my sister, though it worked fine until I shut it down when I left... Since they don't use their computer anymore, this isn't a big deal, but it's nice for when their internet-addicted daughters visit to have it working.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 20, 2010 14:04:16 GMT
Even though my mother has reached a relatively hopeless stage, I have noticed that any stimulation that I can give her has a positive effect. Whenever I am able to take her on a "vacation" (big name for a two night trip which nearly finishes me off every time), I can see that she is "better" for as long as a week. The problem with nursing homes is that there are never enough people to stimulate the residents. The ones who can still go downstairs and socialize and participate in the activities are well taken care of, but most of the others just sit in their room all day (when they are not bedridden).
My parents were also lacking "stimulation" in the final months at their home in Florida, having reached the point where they were embarrassed to see anybody.
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Post by bixaorellana on Sept 20, 2010 15:25:45 GMT
Wonderful, encouraging news, Kimby! Kerouac, of all the things written about nursing homes, what you wrote above hits on what is probably the most pervasive problem with all of them, even the best. The lack of stimulation too often makes the equation of old age=dementia a self-fulfilling prophecy. Each nursing home supposedly has a social worker to whom the patients' families can turn, but frequently there is a vast chasm between "social worker" in regular parlance and some of the completely unqualified people hired by nursing homes. www.news-releases.uiowa.edu/2009/january/010509nursing_homes.htmlOne of the features nursing homes will promote to prospective clients is an activities director. But too often the activities are geared toward the residents with no loss of mental agility, plus are generally crafts more likely to appeal to women.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 21, 2010 13:14:43 GMT
Today being World Alzheimer's Day, there was quite a bit of stuff in the press, and it was indeed mentioned that patients in medical establishments average only about 15 minutes of conversation time a day (when they can still speak), which of course accelerates the decline. Compared to France, Canada is pointed out as a shining example where many additional efforts are made at stimulation and conversation. If anybody has any details about this, I would certainly like to hear them.
Meanwhile, media thoughts turned to the biggest celebrity in France who has Alzheimer's, the actress Annie Girardot. She won 3 French Academy Awards during her career, as well as numerous television and theatrical awards, but she no longer remembers having been an actress. She is 79.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2010 1:08:25 GMT
I had a very teary farewell with my mother this morning. I rest very easy however,knowing she is not in any pain or major discomfort,is in her own home,and is being taken care of by a loving compassionate woman,who,I also had a teary farewell with,my gratitude to her being so profound.We had a very,very,lovely visit.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 22, 2010 3:37:42 GMT
Glad you had such a lovely visit, casi. Bittersweet, isn't it, when you don't know how many more visits you'll share. Until our parents get old and fragile, living so far apart doesn't seem like a big deal. It would be so much easier now, if they were closer.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2010 4:18:32 GMT
Thanks Kimby. As I mentioned earlier on in this thread,my acceptance of the way things are,and what I can change,and cannot change are key. I have batted my brains out for some time as has my brother,to want to try and change so much,and I now accept my powerlessness over most,and remind myself,how grateful I need to be, that she is in the state she is in. One of the most unnerving,infuriating things that happens quite often,and my brother falls into this trap...is when someone who has a parent of the same age,no major medical problems etc. goes on about how well that person is doing and constantly makes suggestions(albeit,well meaning...) that simply are just not germane to the individual person they don't even know. A good example would be some one suggesting that my mother get out and socialize more,because their mother does,go and play tiddlywinks at the Senior Center. My mother never was a big socializer and I would never dream of imposing this on her.
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Post by joanne28 on Sept 22, 2010 18:51:29 GMT
K, about Canada being a shining example, that certainly startled me. I do realize that people in the UK pay what I consider to be an enormous amount of money for a nursing home but I haven't thought about the stimulation part of it.
As for stimulation, yes, there are scheduled activities mornings and afternoons. Granted, some cannot be enjoyed by all residents, because of the limitations some residents have. But there is entertainment - one woman comes in once a week and plays piano and old songs. There's bingo several times a week, Bible discussions, exercise programs, outings, and a group of mothers who bring their babies in once a week.
The baby group is hugely popular. There are also other, seasonal pursuits. Plus there are crafts and cooking.
My mother can no longer participate but she is brought out and put in the circle so at least she hears what's going on. They do not leave residents in their rooms unless the resident is ill. The recreational therapist for Mum's unit likes to say that Mum is a passive participant.
Overall, I am very pleased with the home. We've had our ups and downs, mostly because my mother was so challenging for quite some time (kicking a cop in the testicles comes to mind - yes it really happened while she was in the nursing home). They take good care of her and it really eases my mind.
What do they do at your mother's nursing home?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2010 20:49:49 GMT
They pretty much do the same sorts of things -- music and sometimes dancing, a painting workshop, a discussion of current events twice a week, bingo, one of the local elementary schools has its Wednesday recreational activities there (no school on Wednesday in French elementary schools), the African music workshop across the street comes over with their djembé drums, games are played -- cards and dominos -- nature conferences, etc. My mother no longer has any interest in that stuff, and she resisted most of the activities anyway. She did enjoy playing bingo (because she would win prizes and give them to me) and I found her playing dominos more than once. But basically she has always been Madame No, and one of the policies of the place is to never force anybody to do anything against their will. If they want to get up and walk around the corridors in the middle of the night, they are not prevented from doing so, unlike some establishments which would drug them into submission. My mother's aggressive phase has mostly passed, so she will often let herself be taken downstairs during the afternoon, but she will wander away from any activity within 5 minutes.
Her broken record repetitive phrase that makes her famous to everyone, residents and personnel alike, is "I don't know what to do."
Yesterday, the lovely golden heart that she wore on her necklace disappeared. I felt the necklace in her pocket when I was changing her diaper (she had refused to let the employees change her), but no heart on the necklace anymore. I combed the corridors and every possible hiding place in her room, but no luck. The employees checked the other rooms last night... maybe it'll turn up some day, maybe not. It doesn't matter. She has already forgotten it.
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Post by joanne28 on Sept 23, 2010 13:00:26 GMT
I read somewhere how introverted people are more likely to develop Alzheimer's than extroverted. I think this was based on anecdotal observations. But my mother was also not a terribly social person. Interestingly enough, both her husbands were very social butterflies.
It is very difficult to get someone with dementia engaged - the very nature of the disease works against it. I presume that's why they put on such a different range of activities.
My aunt (the bane of my existence) has nattered on for 10 years about how my mother is so bored. I cannot make her understand that the boredom is from within and there is not a great deal we can do. At this point, of course, it's quite different for us.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2010 14:08:19 GMT
My mother was not introverted at all and was a very outspoken school teacher. But after retirement, she formed a two-person universe with my father and had no desire to socialize with anybody, while my father knew the life story of every person in the neighborhood.
I am quite convinced that the fact that she did not socialize at all contributed to her condition.
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Post by mickthecactus on Sept 23, 2010 14:18:35 GMT
"Never force anybody to do anything against their will".
The result of that was that my mother might well still be in bed when I visited in the evening accompanied by a smelly commode. She was in bed because she had no concept of the time of day not because of anything else.
I can feel the anger against the care home rising up again for the first time in years. Our care of aged people is pretty pathetic.
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Post by bixaorellana on Sept 23, 2010 14:26:36 GMT
Whew, Mick -- that's exactly why I don't post very much about this stuff. Every outrage is still fresh in my mind, all these years later.
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Post by mickthecactus on Sept 23, 2010 14:42:18 GMT
And mine Bixa........
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Post by Deleted on Sept 23, 2010 15:56:20 GMT
"Never force anybody to do anything against their will". The result of that was that my mother might well still be in bed when I visited in the evening accompanied by a smelly commode. She was in bed because she had no concept of the time of day not because of anything else. I can feel the anger against the care home rising up again for the first time in years. Our care of aged people is pretty pathetic. I plan on posting in another thread about an incident regarding the (lack of) treatment and care of the elderly. It had to do with an elderly couple who were on the same plane as I returning to NOLA from NY. I ended up having to virtually call for an administrative personnel to deal with the neglected,shabby treatment they received just trying to board the f'n plane. I'm not done with the woman who was the" Gate Keeper" of that flight. Simply appalling. (Will post in the Travel section on U.S. flights thread.) So sorry you are having to deal with this Mick,I share your outrage.
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Post by mickthecactus on Sept 24, 2010 12:19:17 GMT
"Never force anybody to do anything against their will". The result of that was that my mother might well still be in bed when I visited in the evening accompanied by a smelly commode. She was in bed because she had no concept of the time of day not because of anything else. I can feel the anger against the care home rising up again for the first time in years. Our care of aged people is pretty pathetic. I plan on posting in another thread about an incident regarding the (lack of) treatment and care of the elderly. It had to do with an elderly couple who were on the same plane as I returning to NOLA from NY. I ended up having to virtually call for an administrative personnel to deal with the neglected,shabby treatment they received just trying to board the f'n plane. I'm not done with the woman who was the" Gate Keeper" of that flight. Simply appalling. (Will post in the Travel section on U.S. flights thread.) So sorry you are having to deal with this Mick,I share your outrage. Not dealing now Cas. Mum died 6 years ago.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 24, 2010 14:39:13 GMT
My parents also have a "two person universe" though it wasn't always that way. Almost all their dear old friends are gone now, at least all the men are, and Mom doesn't want to go join the widows group. Those ladies are mostly into grandbabies and religion, two things Mom isn't real fond of. She loves her own grandbaby (now 18 years old and in college) but isn't interested in other people's babies.
Though they once were quite social, they don't seem interested in making new friends. Plus the Senior Center is "too many old people" so they aren't likely to get interested in activities there. It's a bit of a dilemma. Isolation is the norm for them now. Except for all the nurse, OT, PT visits, which are winding down as they don't need nursing care. Yet.
Just spoke to Mom who says they are planning a trip up to the cabin later today, but "probably won't take any boats out". I should hope not. Their boat launching system could kill or injure a young healthy person, not to mention a frail senior with a memory-impaired wife.
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Post by joanne28 on Sept 24, 2010 15:26:29 GMT
Kimby, it's so interesting how so many older people talk about a place being "full of old people". In my mother's case, she is 10 to 20 years younger than everyone else and her roommate is 100 but I've heard people in their 90s saying these things. They feel they haven't aged.
I actually understand that, because in my head, I'm around 28, not 56.
Kerouac, I agree with you about the socializing. But which came first, the dementia which isolates people (because the dementia may have been coming on for far longer than we realize) or the lack of socializing which reduces stimulation? I suspect these two factors feed on each other.
My father and stepfather were very gregarious. My dad died at the age of 79 with every single faculty in place. This in spite of the fact he had been smoking weed every day for at least the last 30 years of his life. As for my stepfather, he went into care for physical reasons but I don't know if he was going downhill mentally or not, as he was in BC.
So whenever my husband is not inclined to socialize, I drag him out anyways. ;D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2010 18:08:05 GMT
My mother's brain has been on fire for the last two days, which leaves me with extremely mixed feelings.
Yesterday when I arrived, she wanted to leave because there was a concert to see. "What concert?" She didn't know, but somebody was supposed to sing. I told her she must have seen something on television, but she was sure that we were supposed to go to the concert. "We can get tickets when we arrive!" First of all, my mother can no longer sit still for more than 5 minutes unless I am with her and keeping her busy, and secondly, she has no interest in singers and has always preferred instrumental music. I know one singer that she likes, because she went to see Charles Aznavour in Santa Monica Civic Auditorium in something like 1968 and then again around 1972 in Béziers in the bullfighting arena. That about does it for singers and my mother.
But I sat with her for about an hour and instead of saying "what am I supposed to do?" she kept saying, "Aren't we supposed to go to a concert or something?" I took her to the dinner table against her will and she said she wasn't staying, she was coming with me. I reassured her as best I could and left anyway. It was as a walked away and disappeared down the hall that she started shrieking my name, in a method somewhat similar to Marlon Brando yelling "Stella!" in A Streetcar Named Desire. I heard the orderly telling her "your son is gone" but she kept screaming so I turned around and went back.
I tried to reassure her and told her to wait for dinner, but she said no, she wouldn't eat, and she was coming with me. "I'll call you after dinner." I hightailed it out of there and she started yelling my name again, but I kept going.
I did call her after dinner, and she answered the phone (a rare occurence this past year) and she asked me if I was coming right back because she had a lot of stuff to tell me. I said that she could tell me tomorrow, and then she wanted to know why I had lied to her about coming back, because I had said I was coming back right away and I didn't and when would she see me again? I said that she would see me the next day, but she said (as she often does), "No you won't because I'm going to die." "Oh well, then I'll come and pick up the pieces." "There won't be any pieces left." This went on for a full 7 minutes (multiply by 10 for Alzheimer time), when I was finally able to say goodnight and that I loved her and so forth and so on.
What would I find today? One of the orderlies told me that she had called for me all evening and had refused to eat dinner.
Anyway, she was still on fire, but today it was pleasant. She was happy to see me, even though she said she had cried all day because she didn't know if I would come. "You didn't really cry, did you?" "I cried this morning." She asked me if those people had left me alone and if the children had been a problem. I preferred not to question her about this and told her that everything had gone all right.
We sat and watched "Law & Order" and most of "Grey's Anatomy" and I did not need to explain much. "That's the man who raped and murdered their daughter, except that it's not really true. He didn't rape her and she made him kill her because she was unable to commit suicide." Normally, this sort of thing is beyond comprehension, but today she understood every bit of it. Then on to the medical follies, where I explained that "his girlfriend is taking over the operation because his hand is shaking but they don't want anybody to know." "Of course not." And then in the other sequence, she thought it was hilarious that the old couple got stuck together making love because his piercing snagged her IUD. "Ha ha ha!" "And that's their outraged daughter, because they're divorced and weren't supposed to be seeing each other anyway." "Ha ha ha!" She read every word on the screen during all of the commercials -- "New and improved ultra light no more split ends reduced fat content mixed vegetables more refreshing Kenzo Maybelline Special K" etc. She was reading everything off the screen practically faster than I could read it myself.
I took her to the dinner table with no problem. She was happy and understood that I would see her tomorrow afternoon and that I would call her after dinner... (Damn, forgot to check her phone this evening and it's not hung up properly... busy signal)
I love seeing her brain cells working, even if they are often off target, but it always worries me at the same time. I think of light bulbs flashing before they burn out. Whenever I get so much activity, I just expect more dullness in the future, a greater feeling of coming to the end, the sad and worried look in her lost eyes.
Oh well. My turn next.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 25, 2010 14:01:36 GMT
Wow. I don't know what to say, K2, except that my admiration for you as the good son only increases with each post. Your mother is very lucky to have you in her corner.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2010 15:54:09 GMT
Well, today she ate her McFlurry and fell asleep. I put her on the bed and watched the United States being destroyed by earthquakes before the western third of the country was finally saved by Eriq LaSalle setting off some strategic dynamite charges in Colorado. Then I read my book and I left after spending a full 3 hours sitting next to the bed. I woke her up to kiss her goodbye but I could tell that she felt cheated by having missed my visit.
I'm only doing what I think needs to be done, Kimby.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2010 22:31:02 GMT
I'm missing my mother terribly after our lovely visit,and she likewise,her caretaker says she was very perky for days after my leaving,then got sullen and sad the last day or so.
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Post by Jazz on Sept 26, 2010 5:21:40 GMT
This is a remarkable thread, but very disturbing because of my memories. We (my mother and I) experienced many of these issues when she was alive and I never regretted one moment. If you truly love your mother or father, then you do whatever is necessary for their wellbeing. No hesitation. My mother was, and remains, the most important person in the world to me, 15 years after her death. The person that I have loved the most and who loved me the most. I have never spent one day since she died when I didn’t think of a conversation with her and her guidance. I think of her each day and she helps me. Not only did I love her as my mother, but she is my mentor. She lived her life in a remarkable way, a completely creative woman who could make the best of any situation, non-judgemental, compassionate and kind. She was also remarkably intelligent but had little formal schooling. I have never met her equal.
As I read this thread, I hear your love in the posts. My only hesitation is ‘time’. If this is new to you, you may not yet understand that what seems to be an unusual or temporary situation may go on for a long, long time, a decade or more… and you need to be prepared for this. It’s worth your time and the seeming disruption of your own life. You will only understand this after your parent passes on. I wasn’t really conscious of this, but in the final ten years of my mother’s life, she was increasingly dependent on me to that fragile point of life’s reversal…once, as a baby and child, I needed her for everything and she gave this to me, then, she gave me the ability to deal with life. Now, she needed this from me and I gave it to her. There is no ‘easy’ way out. Any more than it was ‘easy’ for your mother or father to deal with you and their problems of life at that moment. Nothing is more important than caring for your mother or father and making them as happy and comfortable as is possible. You have years…decades, to address your other needs.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2010 10:18:49 GMT
'Tis so true Jazz, And,I'm so grateful to you for pointing this out. At this point,my mother,may well outlive me. There's nothing to say that she is not going to go on with her life in the same fashion that she has for a very long time. And,given her genetics,(all the women in her family surpassed 90 years of age),this may well be the case. I do rest easier in that she and I have had several discussions about this,and she reassures me that she is ready at any time to leave this world,and is not afraid of death.
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Post by Kimby on Sept 27, 2010 4:07:20 GMT
Devoting everything to parents would be so much easier if there wasn't a spouse to take into consideration.
I went to be with my parents for a week, but would have liked to have stayed much longer. Don't know when I'll get back.
But Mr. Kimby did offer to go with me next time, at least for part of the visit. His talents and strength will come in handy.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 4, 2010 19:56:10 GMT
Another update. Though Dad is still not driving (an excess of caution?) Mom drove them to the cabin to spend last weekend. This past weekend they were to drive to (yet another) funeral in an unfamiliar location. Hopefully they made it there and back OK....
Hate to clip their wings, but also hate to worry that they'll get in over their heads.
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Post by bixaorellana on Oct 6, 2010 1:22:35 GMT
Kimby, out of curiosity, what is Mr. Kimby's take on your parents' abilities right now? He's known them all these years, but is not their child. That status can make for excellent input at times.
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Post by Kimby on Oct 6, 2010 21:48:43 GMT
Mr. Kimby (who is a physician IRL) thinks they have been prescribed too many drugs, and that Dad's aspirin is probably his most necessary medicine (he's at risk for stroke). He's also concerned that Dad is falling a lot for no discernable reason. But he pops right up, laughing. So far.
He thinks Mom is "ready" for assisted living, after being chief cook and bottle washer for 6+ decades, but as a couple THAT ain't happening. If Dad goes first, though, Mom will probably happily go to another living situation. I think. If Mom goes first, Dad will probably try to take matters into his own hands for himself. (I HOPE he wouldn't try to take matters into his hands for BOTH of them, though.)
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2010 21:31:54 GMT
I took my mother to lunch at an Italian restaurant today, and you could see from her clothes afterwards that we had eaten lasagna. But she really liked it, so I don't care.
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