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Post by lugg on Feb 23, 2019 19:27:28 GMT
Thanks all for your best wishes. Keep on having fun Mossie and maybe if you are feeling that you may fall a falls sensor would be a good solution ? Mich - so good that they are being proactive, so difficult though that is an understatement. If there is one thing I've learnt through all the stress and heartache with my MIL is that I am going to be proactive now re a living will.
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Post by mich64 on Feb 23, 2019 21:02:00 GMT
Good for you Lugg.
Talking with my father today, he seems relieved and excited to begin making arrangements. They have selected an apartment building so we will try to make an appointment to view a unit soon.
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Post by Kimby on Feb 24, 2019 0:09:49 GMT
You’re so lucky mich, to have such reasonable parents. What a great attitude they have to look at it as an adventure instead of a loss. Mr. Kimby’s parents often said how grateful they were to be able to live in the “continuing care community” that they moved to in 2005, in their early 80’s. Though they loved their house on Sanibel, they knew it was time to leave it behind and simplify their lives. (Actually, Mr. Kimby and I bought it from them, so they could still visit it, and we could stay there - instead of imposing on them - when we came to Florida to visit them. Though their apartment did have a guest room and the complex had a motel for visitors.).
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Post by questa on Feb 24, 2019 1:10:08 GMT
The crunch will come when I can no longer drive but will put that day off as long as poss, but realise that I must face up to making a responsible decision. It is not much fun getting old, but will try and have as much as I can. It came in the post yesterday...my forms that allow me to renew my driver's licence for another year. I have to have a doctor's certificate and one from an optometrist as well as filling in several pages of questions myself. I am lucky in that I only have the Parkinson's to report on and it is 'well managed' but I may get knocked back on the vision test. Last year's check seemed more difficult than usual. Fortunately, my GP knows how important having a licence is to the well-being of an older person, even if it is rarely used.
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Post by mich64 on Feb 24, 2019 3:27:35 GMT
After my brain injury, my doctors could have taken my license but with my promise not to drive until they gave the approval, I thankfully was able to keep it. I can not remember for sure how long it was before I began to drive again, but it must have been about 6 years at least. I do not drive enough and have made it a priority to drive more this year.
Kimby, we sort of did the same thing for my in-law's, they downsized when he fully retired about 10 years ago but the apartment they went to was too small. So we bought a condo in the building they had moved from so they could move back. We bought a smaller unit, one bedroom with a den versus theirs was a 2 bedroom. It is already 8 years now since they returned, they are very happy there.
I hope all goes well for your renewal Questa!
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Post by lugg on Mar 3, 2019 18:32:57 GMT
Good luck Questa. So this weekend we " persuaded" my MIL to move to a care home near to me / my daughter. When I went to visit her I was horrified. She had another injury which had not been noticed by the care workers ( I think a steam burn from the kettle) She was unkempt and her clothes were dirty and I don't think she had eaten or drunk properly for several days. her dressings from the last fall had not been changed. Anyway good news is that one day later she is now close by in a lovely care home and seems ok for there for now , she ate two breakfasts this am an hour apart and wolfed down her Sunday lunch. She said to me today that she loves this hotel. I can now rest easy knowing that she is 12 mins drive from me and I can make sure she is being looked after , she can come to stay and we can take her out and about. Sheer relief.
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Post by kerouac2 on Mar 3, 2019 19:23:46 GMT
That is great news, lugg. You describe pretty much the condition of my mother when I rushed to my parents' house when my father was dying in the hospital. Dirty, no real food... It is a terrible shock to find such things. Your MIL was super lucky to go to a nice place immediately. I was not as lucky because there was no way I could get my mother into a nursing home immediately after living in the US for 50 years. Since I had to take her in for a year -- and she loved it -- she absolutely hated being put in a nursing home after that. You just never know...
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Post by Kimby on Mar 3, 2019 21:26:41 GMT
Great news indeed, lugg! You and your MIL should have a much nicer time of it as she makes her way through old age to what comes next.
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Post by mich64 on Mar 4, 2019 19:01:15 GMT
Lugg I am so happy for your MIL and for your family! What a relief for you all that she is now in a nourishing and safe environment that so far she is enjoying. I hope she enjoys her new home.
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Post by whatagain on Mar 7, 2019 22:01:03 GMT
Seems like a good solution Lugg.
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Post by lugg on Mar 9, 2019 19:18:01 GMT
Thanks all. So one week in she is so much happier , the staff are really remarkable ; she feels safe and has not once asked about going home. She really seems like a new woman with good nutrition and care. She thinks she is in a lovely hotel, but if that is her reality then so be it. My children and I can rest easy at the moment - we can see her almost daily. Phew .
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Post by Kimby on Mar 9, 2019 20:39:56 GMT
You’re on a good plateau with her, lugg. Advanced aging is a series of plateaus. Usually each is a bit worse than the stage before, but lasts long enough for you to get used to the “new normal” before the next deterioration.
Not saying this to be mean or negative, just to help with the mindset of those who are caring for old loved ones.
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Post by kerouac2 on Mar 21, 2019 18:53:15 GMT
I'm sure you knew not to take it personally. In cases like that, often it can be your own parents who don't know who you are. Every now and then, my mother called me "monsieur," but then it would sink in who I was.
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Post by Kimby on Mar 21, 2019 19:06:05 GMT
Part of dementia can be mistrust and suspicion, to the point of paranoia. The downside of a move to a facility where one can be well taken care of is that unfamiliar surroundings can result in further loss of cognition.
Do you have a nice photo of you and your in laws that you can frame and hang on the wall or stand on a table or dresser so that he may figure out that he DOES know you?
We bought a digital photo frame for our parents that played photos off an SD chip. Some of the photos were pictures OF pictures, digital images of 2D snapshots and other photos taken with a digital camera. The frame sat on their dining table and even had a timed on-off feature, coming on at breakfast and turning off at bedtime. They loved looking at the rotation of familiar people and places, and it may have helped to maintain their connections to those memories.
Our frame was connected to the internet and we 3 daughters could add photos remotely to the queue of endlessly playing images. Convenient for keeping them up to date with their grandchild. But digital frames that are not connected to the internet can be had for a reasonable price, and you can switch out SD cards when you want to refresh the image assortment.
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Post by whatagain on Mar 21, 2019 19:07:54 GMT
Good idea !
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Post by kerouac2 on Mar 21, 2019 19:18:18 GMT
I bought one of those but I never used it.
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Post by mickthecactus on Mar 21, 2019 21:09:28 GMT
My in law didn't recognise me today. He said he doesn't know me and told his wife she is a fool to let anybody in. Strange feeling. So sorry. Been there- not nice.
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Post by Kimby on Mar 21, 2019 21:14:02 GMT
I bought one of those but I never used it. Maybe you can loan it to whatagain, then!
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Post by mich64 on Mar 22, 2019 2:23:42 GMT
My brother called to tell me he visited with our parents yesterday at the coffee shop. Our mom told him she was upset because her doctor surprised her with some cognitive testing this week, we assume our dad has spoken with him regarding issues he is noticing. She then asked my brother where his girlfriend lives, they have been living together for 5 years.
Dad told him that he has decided to hold off selling the house at this time.
I am going to look for one of those digital photo frames for them.
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Post by Kimby on Mar 22, 2019 13:57:29 GMT
Tell her it’s a good idea to get a baseline on cognition. And IF anything shows up, it’s far better to begin treatment early instead of waiting till losses in cognition become obvious. But I can imagine how anxious this makes her. She (and your Dad) need reassurance that she will be taken care of no matter what happens, to either of them. The new apartment seems to have come at just the right time. Though it could also be contributing to her disorientation...
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Post by kerouac2 on Mar 22, 2019 17:24:27 GMT
The problem is that angry denial is one of the first symptoms in many people. "There's nothing wrong with my memory, dammit!"
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Post by Kimby on Mar 23, 2019 1:43:24 GMT
I imagine it’s highly variable. Surprisingly, my highly intelligent mother was remarkably accepting of her memory loss, saying “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” with ease.
Her cognitive losses were much harder for my Dad to take - he’d lost his brilliant companion of 60+ years...
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Post by mich64 on Mar 23, 2019 3:19:37 GMT
I agree Kimby, it was probably a good idea and since we do not know what the results were or what the doctor told her, he could have very well advised her what steps to take. We will continue to be mindful and supportive.
Kerouac I was concerned about that after speaking with my brother. In past months my father has mentioned a few times how angry she gets with him. Which is out of character for her. It could also be the stress they feel worrying about my sister.
We stopped at the coffee shop today for a visit (they go 6 days a week, we always know where they are at 12:45 Monday to Saturday!) and my mom was so pleased to tell me that she stopped at the corner store to cash in a scratch lotto ticket, she won $200.00!
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Post by questa on Mar 23, 2019 7:27:32 GMT
my highly intelligent mother was remarkably accepting of her memory loss, saying “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” with ease. I know very little about what ideas are current for managing people as they lose memory. However I have a gut feeling that accepting too easily is not necessarily a good thing. The thinking is nowadays to do activities to keep the brain functioning as well as possible. Kimby, When your Mother says "I don't remember" do you think it would be helpful to give her clues and reminders to allow her to remember whatever the topic was? As you know, I'm in the same boat but travelling more slowly. The thing that throws me is the use of Names. Instead of saying "John went to McDonalds" it is easier to get the memory picture if you say "My cousin, John went to the McDonalds burger shop". This is entirely my speculation but I do not plan on going "gentle into that good night". Take care of yourself.
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Post by kerouac2 on Mar 23, 2019 11:46:25 GMT
Kerouac I was concerned about that after speaking with my brother. In past months my father has mentioned a few times how angry she gets with him. In the last year before my father died, I would call them about twice a week, and my father would always say that my mother was acting horrible. "And she lies about everything." That turned out to be another symptom: "I didn't do that." "I never said that." Then she threatened him in the kitchen onc day with a knife. When I finally rushed over (about 4 times in the last year -- thank god for airline staff tickets!), he had a big gaping wound full of pus in his shin. "Your mother kicked me." I would clean it out and change the bandages every day because my mother wouldn't: "That's disgusting!" and of course "I didn't do that." My mother behaved perfectly well when I was there, and my father was relieved, too, obviously. And I took over all of the cooking and cleaning. I would take the car on a "shopping" trip and try to scout the senior homes from the yellow pages, even though I knew that they would both refuse to go... God, transitional periods can be really difficult!
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Post by Kimby on Mar 23, 2019 15:53:58 GMT
my highly intelligent mother was remarkably accepting of her memory loss, saying “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” with ease. I know very little about what ideas are current for managing people as they lose memory. However I have a gut feeling that accepting too easily is not necessarily a good thing. The thinking is nowadays to do activities to keep the brain functioning as well as possible. Kimby, When your Mother says "I don't remember" do you think it would be helpful to give her clues and reminders to allow her to remember whatever the topic was? As you know, I'm in the same boat but travelling more slowly. The thing that throws me is the use of Names. Instead of saying "John went to McDonalds" it is easier to get the memory picture if you say "My cousin, John went to the McDonalds burger shop". This is entirely my speculation but I do not plan on going "gentle into that good night". Take care of yourself. Thanks, Questa, but it’s all water over the dam now. Mom left us 3 years ago, and Dad will be gone 6 years on March 31. I just visit here to help, if I can, others who are in the midst of that scary/emotional journey.
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Post by mich64 on Mar 23, 2019 18:03:35 GMT
"And she lies about everything." That turned out to be another symptom My father has said she has says similar things to him. She also thinks they do not need to have, as she describes them, big meals every night. I just thought that she was tired or bored of cooking. Perhaps that is the case, but I am going to pay more attention to details.
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Post by Kimby on Mar 23, 2019 21:43:07 GMT
Can you get them signed up for Meals on Wheels? One hot, balanced meal a day, usually with enough leftovers for a snack or another meal. A real life saver for elders with issues.
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Post by mich64 on Mar 23, 2019 23:19:45 GMT
I am not worrying about them eating, my dad could take over easily, he usually makes most of their Sunday meal. It is just that I think my mother would forget to eat if it were not for my dad asking if she has started dinner.
So I guess I am more concerned that she is not interested in eating and would prefer to just make a sandwich or toast for dinner. My dad loves to eat, he goes out for breakfast to a diner near their home most days of the week before my mom gets up.
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Post by Kimby on Mar 24, 2019 4:35:31 GMT
My mom lost interest in/forgot how to cook in her decline, and Dad lost a ton of weight as a result of her less than appealing offerings.
Meals on wheels took the pressure off her - who had been chief cook and bottle washer for over 60 years - and gave them some variety in their meals.
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