Firstborn children

[Deleted]

I think this subject is interesting enough to warrant its own thread (the subject was started on the '20 superstitions' thread).

I am the second of two children, which led me to make my facetious comment on the other thread about firstborns being neurotic.

However, thinking about how my brother is different from me, it got me to wondering about the element of truth in it. Without actually being a full blown neurosis, I would tend to say that I have noticed that the eldest child is more meticulous, pickier, often more wary of things, etc.

My guess on the reason for this is that the firstborn child only has his parents as models in early life. They seem to know how to do everything perfectly and have very clear likes and dislikes. On the other hand, the second child uses the first child as a role model. Since the first child makes a lot of mistakes and is shown to have some irrational fears or dislikes by the parents, the second child doesn't have to worry about being perfect.

[bixaorellana]

Mar 29, 2009 10:18:53 GMT kerouac2 said:

Since the first child makes a lot of mistakes and is shown to have some irrational fears or dislikes by the parents ...

Could you expound on that sentence, please? I don't really understand it.

I'm the oldest of five kids. The first two of us were born only 17 months apart, so we're sort of a set. That brother & I were marveling once at how my parents were (relatively) much looser with the youngest three than with us. My brother's take was that my parents were clueless when we came along, but had practiced on us by the time they had the others.

[Deleted]

I will be happy to expound. A 3 year old, for example, cannot really communicate on the same level as his adult parents, so many of his (or her) issues go unaddressed or answered unsatisfactorily (such as the monster hiding -- or not -- in the dark under the bed, or the feeling that clowns are evil rather than funny).

However, a 6 year old "in charge" of his 3 year old sibling will be happy to expound on the subject. ("The monster only comes and grabs the smallest one!") This helps the younger sibling's bullshit meter to become operational much faster than the one of his elder.

[bixaorellana]

Could be. I was a very scary little twit and my brother would console me and tell me there was nothing to be afraid of. Well, not when I refused to accompany him to scary movies. Then he'd pull my hands off of my ears and yell the scariest parts at me.

[gyro]

Aside from generalising based on a large element of logic, I think your theories are fairly narrow, K. They seem only to be based on a positive image of family life. Older sibling(s) that like or want to help the younger one(s), parents who seem 'perfect', etc. etc.

I have noticed that the eldest child is more meticulous, pickier, often more wary of things, etc.

My family life was a very good positive one as a child, but the above is about the furthest away as you could get from my brother ! ! !

[Deleted]

They seem only to be based on a positive image of family life.

I would like to believe that 'positive' families are the majority in the world. I may be mistaken.

[gyro]

Based on many posters, this may be called into question !

But it would be interesting to see exactly what the split was, if possible.

[bixaorellana]

Position in the birth order aside, it may all come down to basic personalities. Many people grew up in difficult families, but had warm relations with a younger or older sibling. I'm always surprised when someone says he was never friends with a sibling, although that seems to be pretty common.

Of the list above, I'd say I was more meticulous and wary, but my brother was definitely pickier.

[gyro]

Indeed. There are also MANY older siblings who get fed up with the younger ones and are less likely to help out as they (the younger ones) seem to get away with more than the firstborn did.

Having said that, I pretty much always had a decent relationship with my brother, but we were chalk and cheese in most aspects as we grew up.

(Haha, the first time he told me what a man did to a woman on their wedding night, my first response was: "Why does he want to stick THAT in THERE ? ! ? ! ? ! ! ! )

[bixaorellana]

Are you the younger or the older, Gyro?

I got told how they "did it" in grade school and was quite shocked. I told my brother what I'd heard and we discussed it. We decided our parents would never do anything so disgusting, so it was obviously a lie.

[gyro]

Younger. My Bro was almost 3 years older.

[bixaorellana]

That's another thing about families -- it's hard to imagine growing up in one different than ones own.
I can't remember my brother not being there. I must have thought he was something my parents brought home for me, though, as I distinctly remember the first time I got swatted for anything. I must have been very little, but remember my grandmother popping me on the butt and how astounded I was. My entire attitude was what the hell did you do that for? She said it was because I hit my brother, and I was even more flummoxed. SO?!! He's mine, I can do as I please!

[gyro]

When enraged, my brother used to give me The Typewriter ...

Pin me to floor by his knees on my biceps, and tap tap tap the keys on my chest, then WHAM! round the side of the head for Carriage Return .... !

[Deleted]

That explains a lot.

[gyro]

It does ?

[bixaorellana]

Yes. You hardly ever make typos.

[gyro]

It's alright; I understand the delay as K is busy researching market town populations in the UK ...

[tillystar]

Hmm I guess these kind of ideas come from our own experience as I always thought that maybe all firstborn children are more independant and brave as they had to look after themselves and their younger brothers and sisters whereas second children are more likely to expect to be looked after by other people even as grown-ups because they had and older brothers or sisters looking after them. But this is my idea based on this is how me and my younger brother are - completely different from your ideas!

I read a book on early years child development a while back and it was talking about some typical traits in frist, second and third children, reasons for them and how to prevent some (like talking late7being very quiet in 2nd children as older children talk for them), it was quite interesting...but of course I can´t remember anything now.

[Deleted]

The different perceptions is why I thought the subject was worthy of debate.

One thing I have always read is that the middle child (of 3) always has it worst for some reason.

[gyro]

I've heard that too. But can't think of any example to either refute or confirm it.

My wife was 4th, but a late child, so her nearest sibling was 14 when she was born. Mrs G has always said it was like growing up as an only child.

[Deleted]

Well, I know the first child has it hard, because the parents are just learning how to be parents, and I know that the baby gets away with murder, so what does the middle child have to put up with? Somebody here must know.

[bixaorellana]

NOW you've done it! Be prepared to put up with a lot of aggrieved twittering with violin music in the background.

*runs*

[onlymark]

Mar 29, 2009 20:14:17 GMT gyro said:

When enraged, my brother used to give me The Typewriter ...
Pin me to floor by his knees on my biceps, and tap tap tap the keys on my chest, then WHAM! round the side of the head for Carriage Return .... !

That reminds me of my elder brother.
Plus, he used to pin me to the floor and see how long a string of spit he could make before it broke and dropped on my face.

[Deleted]

Big brothers seem to have endless ideas along those lines during all of the years that they are still big enough to pin you down.

[hwinpp]

I was a big brother but I don't ever remember pinning down my siblings. I didn't want to play with them though, and because I was faster, usually succeeded in losing them. ;D

[tillystar]

Parents definately let the kids get away with more with each child. My oldest friend and I became friends as we had the most famously strictest parents ever out of all our friends. We realised we were better at evading detection together than together.

She is the second oldest of 9 kids and with each kid her parents got less and less strict, the youngest is now 17 and doing things my friend couldn´t get away with until she was 30!!

I think middle children are supposed to get less attention than older and younger siblings and feel left out...

[gyro]

Well, I know the first child has it hard, because the parents are just learning how to be parents

Just because the parents are new to it, doesn't mean the kid gets a bum deal. You seem to be falling into the psychiatrists trap of trying to make a problem out of everything.

[bixaorellana]

Have you all ever seen those lists of brilliant only children ....... or oldest, or youngest, etc.? That kind of list can be used to shore up any argument.

A point should be made about oldest children who were treated as only children, since that had been the parents' plan. Psychologically, are they onlies, oldests, or some other animal entirely.

I had neighbors with the sweetest little boy. This child had the most pleasant disposition from babyhood on, was intelligent, good-looking, etc. When his baby brother came along, the mother was rather horribly disappointed that she did not get the exact same child the second time around. I've often wondered how that played out later.

[gyro]

Drugs, sex, gambling .....

The kids are fine though.

[Kimby]

I agree that eldests generally tend to be over-achievers, but I would disagree that they are brave.

I think they are probably more tentative than their younger siblings because they are trail-blazing in everything they do. Going to kindergarten, going to camp, extracurricular activities. All these things the eldest has to learn for herself/himself. The younger ones get to observe and follow right along when it's their turn without it being a big deal.