|
Post by tod2 on Dec 16, 2010 7:34:52 GMT
At 89 yrs of age this was the first year my mother has not had a computer to toy with. It was one of the older ones and eventually packed up but that's not the problem as I have spare computers and laptops unused. The problem is the cost. She has to go on line using her land line. This takes forever to dial-up and then costs quite a bit when she is busy using it. Sending emails doesn't cost but it was people sending her photos which took a very long time to download. In the end her phone bill was way too high and she asked me cancel her link with the phone company instead of getting another computer.
Kerouac, I can see some of the residence enjoying being able to communicate with the outside world - and their families.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2010 8:18:31 GMT
You mean you don't want to mix this with my mother pooping her pants?
|
|
|
Post by tod2 on Dec 17, 2010 9:19:48 GMT
Yes agree, this might get long and complicated and the content is not really to do with 'Aging Parents"(pooping their pants, gazing into space, complaing of sore bones.....) I will be guided by Bixaorellana and follow her lead. Many thanks for those answers Mark - some of which I was aware of (she says looking over the side of her computer desk and seeing various green and orange lights on a kind of plactic thingy and at least 4 cables coming out of it)!
|
|
|
Post by onlymark on Dec 17, 2010 13:25:37 GMT
My God! Not the dreaded plastic thingy with cables and flashing lights! Run!
(That'll be the Router)
|
|
|
Post by tod2 on Dec 17, 2010 13:54:16 GMT
I would, but when I get into this chair I somehow seem glued to it!
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2010 14:44:56 GMT
Did you poop your pants, too? It can get very sticky.
|
|
|
Post by tod2 on Dec 17, 2010 15:27:46 GMT
Oh Kerouac I hope that won't be my fate in the near future! You have my admiration for having such a strong stomach
|
|
|
Post by bixaorellana on Dec 17, 2010 16:09:33 GMT
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2010 20:53:30 GMT
Tomorrow, I will inform my mother that her spiritual brother, who replaced her in my grandparents' lives for many of the years when she was living so far away in the United States, was buried today in the village. I know that she will remember him, because he was more a part of the family than many of our blood relations. As soon as I can go there, I will take flowers to the grave of Mohamed Belgherza.
|
|
|
Post by tod2 on Dec 18, 2010 9:47:43 GMT
I am sorry to hear there has been a sad passing in your family Kerouac. Please let us know if she remembered. I remember the photo essay you did on your home village and the cemetery. Is that the same place?
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2010 12:34:33 GMT
Yes, same place. Mohamed (known as Bébert in the village) had Parkinson's disease for more than 10 years and Alzheimer's in recent years. It is a relief for all concerned, particularly his wife Zouah who has been caring for him at home all this time.
|
|
|
Post by tod2 on Dec 18, 2010 13:02:31 GMT
Sorry, you might have mentioned this, but what nationality would the surname Bergherza be?
I was thinking not only a relief for his wife but a happy release for him as well. Parkinson's is bad enough, but then to suffer from Alzheimer's at the same time must have been hell on earth. Don't you think it's time our medical scientists came up with an inoculation, like the one for measles!
|
|
|
Post by tod2 on Dec 18, 2010 13:18:57 GMT
This morning I started picking out patterns that could go on sale in my shop. I came across this one which could be very useful to some older family members who drop food all down the front of their clothing. Made elegantly and with the right fabric it needn't look like the giant baby's bib which it is! It's Simplicity 2687 and can be viewed here: www.simplicity.com/p-1637-crafts.aspxSome food makes horrible stains on clothing which sometimes remain there permanently and ruin the garment. This may help but how to encourage a person to don the labor saving device is probably another matter. Does anyones elderly family wear something like this at mealtimes?
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2010 15:48:47 GMT
Sorry, you might have mentioned this, but what nationality would the surname Bergherza be? I was thinking not only a relief for his wife but a happy release for him as well. Parkinson's is bad enough, but then to suffer from Alzheimer's at the same time must have been hell on earth. Don't you think it's time our medical scientists came up with an inoculation, like the one for measles! Bébert and his wife were both from Algeria, but he lived in France from about age 16 on and chose to keep his French nationality in 1962 when it was necessary to choose. There are huge numbers of Algerians, Italians and Poles in that part of Lorraine, where they all came to work in the mines and the steel mills from the 1920's to the 1970's. And of course to many, it became their home more than their original home because of the children.
|
|
|
Post by mich64 on Dec 18, 2010 18:14:51 GMT
Very sorry to read about the loss of a dear family member. Mich
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2010 22:03:24 GMT
Don't worry -- there is nothing to mourn except old memories. My grandfather "adopted" Bébert in the late 1950's as a hardworking helper willing to do things after hours at the steel mill. They rapidly became best friends and, as I said, Bébert replaced my mother over the many years of her absence, as he had been rejected by a lot of his family in Algeria for remaining loyal to France and needed the comfort of a family anyway. Since my grandfather died way back in 1973 and my grandmother left the village in 1981, he was pretty much left to his own devices, even though we always kept in touch with him. Frankly, I had not seen him (with my mother) for about 3 years, but memories have a powerful hold over us. When I informed my brother in California, he said that he cried, remembering how they had dug potatoes together back in 1964.
|
|
|
Post by mich64 on Dec 18, 2010 22:29:05 GMT
It is good at this time to remember him and the times spent together. Your brother will enjoy thinking of these memories once the shock of being told has passed. It is a wonderful sign that someone was loved, respected and cared about. Enjoy your memories of him. My husbands family has many Algerian friends that are as close as family as well, my favorite is Sonya, we still ask about each other. Like you say, some had to make a difficult decision to give their loyalty to France.
|
|
|
Post by Jazz on Dec 19, 2010 23:21:18 GMT
To me, your mother (in #215) looks about 20 years younger than in her photo in mid October, ‘en crise’. Her vitality is jumping out from my screen! She is ready and, if I worked at the home, I wouldn’t get in her way or dare to infringe on what she decides are her rights! What a remarkable recovery. Her spirit and strength are magnificent.
It’s sad to hear of the loss of Bébert, but there is richness in memory.
|
|
|
Post by Kimby on Dec 20, 2010 16:53:57 GMT
Life is terminal, and there will be a succession of losses. Unless you go first.
Some facts of life are hard to get used to. Formerly invincible parents slowing down, giving up parts of their lifestyle, becoming frail, "losing their buttons" as my MIL says, and eventually passing away. How to accept this?
It's encouraging to see the grace with which others have coped and made their loved ones' last years as good as can be expected. I fear I will need to step up soon and take on this unwanted role. My Dad narrowly missed returning to the hospital a week ago. Will he make it to our next planned family reunion in mid-January, perhaps the last hurrah for the family cabin? I hope so. It seems to be all downhill from here....
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2010 19:39:38 GMT
One of the orderlies apparently acclaimed me at the periodic staff meeting today. "Mr. Kerouac2 said that his mother would walk again, and he did it." This had gone against the opinion of the other orderlies.
As for myself, I was extremely pleased to see that the wheelchair was gone from the room and that it was nowhere else to be seen.
My next mission is to make them stop using the huge mega diapers with the adhesive tabs. I consider this to just be an excuse to change the diapers less often. I am going to ask that they go back to the previous model which is ten times easier to change.
Fighting the inevitable is definitely an uphill battle.
|
|
|
Post by mich64 on Dec 21, 2010 1:31:32 GMT
I am sorry to read your post Kimby. I do hope that your father has a resurgence of energy after the holidays. Maybe he is just feeling overwhelmed by the holiday season and when life returns to normal in January he will settle too. (in my prayers)
We are so lucky, both our parents live in the same city and we visit quite often. All four are in good health. My FIL goes to the gym each day with my husbands older brother and they work out with weights and at nights he uses the treadmill in their apartment building. He has done 323 kilometers since the machine was installed this past summer, he is 80!
My mom, 69, refuses to let us take them out for Christmas dinner or come to ours, she still cooks and bakes amazingly and I cannot wait for Saturday. Mich
|
|
|
Post by Kimby on Dec 21, 2010 16:23:40 GMT
Thanks, mich, but Dad isn't under any holiday pressures. We long ago gave up the gift ritual for adults, and my parents' Christmas gift to their children has been making it possible for us to gather together for several days and enjoy each other's company.
For the past 8 years, we did this at Winter Park Ski Area in Colorado, where my Dad skiied (for the last time?) at age 87 in January. Downhill skiing is out of the question in his current condition, as is driving the 24 hours from Wisconsin to Colorado, so we will gather at the family cabin in central Wisconsin this year. IF they are strong enough for that. If not, we will gather at their home. So much has changed in a year, it's mind-boggling...
Dad is depressed (who wouldn't be?) and part of it, I'm sure, is a response to Mom's mental decline. She has lost her short-term memory, and though her mood is surprisingly good, she isn't the companion he's had for the past 65 years. Mom has had a couple small strokes that were not noticed at the time, and Dad may be having mini-strokes as well, as he has had carotid artery stenosis for years, but surgery is more risk than result at his age. Based on their mood, I'd say their strokes are happening on opposite sides of their brains. Mom's a happy dementia patient, Dad is gloomy.
How many more family reunions will we enjoy? And how many of them will be funerals?
BTW, Mr. Kimby and I will be attending Dad's next doctor appointment in January, as it falls right after our reunion, so we will be able to get some answers.
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2010 18:02:27 GMT
That's good that he will be there.
When the short term memory goes, the worst part is losing the possibility of a conversation. As much as I appreciate still being able to take my mother to the restaurant, it is devastating to have to sit there and eat in silence. I try to just appreciate the gusto of her appetite.
I'm sure that the end of meaningful conversations is what bothered my father the most. They talked and laughed about everything and anything for so many years, and all of a sudden, it was finished.
Does your father understand what is happening, Kimby, or is he just upset that something is "off"?
|
|
|
Post by Kimby on Dec 21, 2010 19:56:28 GMT
Sadly, yes, Dad knows what is going on. He said something to the effect that "things are really falling apart fast, and it's happening to both of us at the same time." He had always assumed that, as a male of the human species, he would die first, and that Mom, as a brilliant, well-organized, capable woman, would carry on and run the business after he's gone. This change in plans has got to be very upsetting to him. When Mom started losing her memory, he was able to keep it together for them both. Now, not so much. I was thinking that while they will probably not downhill ski anymore, they might look forward to going cross-country skiing at the cabin as they always have. Then it occurred to me that if one of them fell, the other would be too weak to get the fallen one back on their feet, and they might just lay down and freeze to death in the snow. And that that might not be the worst way to go. Not that I'm hoping for that, or anything.
|
|
|
Post by mich64 on Dec 21, 2010 22:36:19 GMT
I think it is quite normal to want to think of the most peaceful way for a loved one to pass and with them doing something they love also.
The eventuality of their situation makes me sad even though I do not know them. I can feel from your writing that they are exceptional loving parents. Good people.
Merry Christmas Kimby... Enjoy the spirit of the season. Cheers Mich
|
|
|
Post by bjd on Dec 22, 2010 7:13:19 GMT
Yes, Kimby -- I'm sorry to hear that it's all going downhill rather fast. Enjoy what you can with your parents while they are still there and able to appreciate having their kids around them.
|
|
|
Post by bixaorellana on Dec 22, 2010 16:40:18 GMT
Kerouac, I know from bitter experience that the only reason your mother does as well as she does is because of your constant presence. Bucking the status quo is more than half the battle in helping the aged retain as much as they can.
Kimby, you are a good daughter to both your parents and a good person. As your dad feels the companionship of a lifetime slipping away, your attentiveness and empathy must be a source of comfort to him.
|
|
|
Post by Kimby on Dec 22, 2010 17:52:53 GMT
Except he rarely comes to the phone anymore (too much effort to string thoughts together into speech? too embarrassed about his inarticulate condition?), and Mom probably sugar coats his condition when I ask her. Phone calls are so unsatisfying but most of the time they are what I've got. At least middle sister is able to visit them once a month for an on-the-ground inspection, and gives me a progress report.
|
|
|
Post by mich64 on Dec 26, 2010 19:13:46 GMT
Kimby, I can understand how he would feel regarding inarticulate speech as after my brain injury, I lost my speech. After 4 years of speech therapy I have improved but still miss most small words, struggle to find the correct word, repeat words, have difficulty using conjuctions, I know what they are, but that is not what I will speak. Irony, jokes, slang are especially difficult for me. My mom will frequently tell me, "you used to understand" She is hopeful that if she keeps talking to me in this way, something will reconnect in my brain. I see her struggling with me and it does make me not talk, not to make efforts, because it hurts me to see her sadness and in a way dissapointment.
Over the past 4 years I have felt embarassment, shame and have struggled to accept that people are just happy that I continue to try. I know very well that I do not sound anything like I did prior to the injury and for years I would not answer the phone or make a phone call. Slowly I have accepted this is who I am now, but continue to keep working. So I can certainly understand how your father would feel frustrated not being able to complete a sentence to his daughter and I can understand your feelings as I watch my families faces when they are saddened by watching and listening to me struggle to express what I want them to hear. I do think he yearns to hear your voice. Maybe send him tapes occassionally of chapters of a book you know he would enjoy and you could record reading so he could just hear your voice and not have to worry about responding but feel the love and memory of your voice. Mich
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2010 20:06:07 GMT
Mich64, it is always poignant when you talk about this, because I see the enormous effort of my mother when a 'real' sentence tries to emerge and gets lost before delivery is completed. My colleagues with family members in the same condition also talk about this all the time. It proves that there are so many words being kept prisoner, so many thoughts that need to be expressed but which remain trapped.
You have the extraordinary advantage of being an eloquent writer, but the elderly no longer have the coordination or the strength to be able to write. Perhaps some day there will be a device to translate brain waves into words. Until then...
|
|