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Grief
Jun 24, 2024 19:30:50 GMT
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Post by mickthecactus on Jun 24, 2024 19:30:50 GMT
Mich, I am so sorry for you. He sounds like he was a lovely man.
Re Kerouac’s comment my mother only remembered my father for a couple of weeks and they had been married over 60 years.
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Grief
Jun 24, 2024 21:27:17 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Jun 24, 2024 21:27:17 GMT
Dear Mich -- How sad for your family to lose their pillar. He sounds like such a good and loving man. How beautiful that his final words were to give you all strength to continue his legacy of familial love. That is true nobility. Take care of yourself and your dear Mark in this difficult time. xxooo
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Grief
Jun 25, 2024 19:14:53 GMT
Post by fumobici on Jun 25, 2024 19:14:53 GMT
Sorry to hear of your father-in-law's passing, mich. You were obviously very fond of him.
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Grief
Jun 25, 2024 20:59:09 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Jun 25, 2024 20:59:09 GMT
I’m very sorry Mich. He sounds like a lovely man. Your “bonus father”.
When you say “he chose when” do you mean he took advantage of laws that allow death with dignity?
That must be so comforting to the patient, and a blessing to family members who don’t have to witness a tortuous decline of their loved one. But maybe I misread?
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Grief
Jun 25, 2024 22:58:28 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Jun 25, 2024 22:58:28 GMT
Kimby, read Mich's post again. I believe Mich was referring to her father-in-law choosing the times he felt well enough to go through photo albums, eat with the family, etc.
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Grief
Jun 29, 2024 16:38:10 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Jun 29, 2024 16:38:10 GMT
OK. But we SHOULD be entrusted with the means to choose our time of departing when our end is near and there is nothing to look forward to but pain and fear.
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Grief
Aug 5, 2024 14:55:27 GMT
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Post by mich64 on Aug 5, 2024 14:55:27 GMT
Thank you all for the posts of caring and support after my post that my dear father-in-law had passed. He was was a second father to me for most of my life and will hold a part of my heart forever. I appreciated all of your posts very much.
We continue our Sunday dinners, we hosted for a BBQ yesterday on a beautiful sun filled day. Some swam, kayaked and went for a boat ride around the bay. He would have loved every part of the day. I had a few tears remembering how he loved diving off the dock, even at 90 years of age.
One week after his passing, my father fell and was hurt badly. It has been 5 weeks and he is almost recovered and doing so much better after 3 trips to the ER and eventually a 5 night stay in hospital. My brother and I did 12 hour shifts staying with our mom as she has dementia.
Now that everyone seems to be back to health, I hope to return to catch up on all that is going on with you all! I have missed you.
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Grief
Aug 5, 2024 15:27:18 GMT
Post by htmb on Aug 5, 2024 15:27:18 GMT
Your family has been through so much in recent months, Mich!
I’m happy for you that things now seem to be settling out a bit.
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Grief
Aug 5, 2024 16:12:51 GMT
Post by kerouac2 on Aug 5, 2024 16:12:51 GMT
I'm glad that you have managed to keep up a lot of the routine. Even when there is a family tragedy, I think there is a lot of comfort in continuing to do what the departed person enjoyed. When I do things that my parents or grandmother enjoyed, it always makes me feel closer to them.
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Grief
Aug 5, 2024 16:51:33 GMT
Post by cheerypeabrain on Aug 5, 2024 16:51:33 GMT
I'm sorry that your family have had a rough time dear Mich. Condolences for the loss of your father in law. I'm so glad that you're able to spend quality time with family...it's a comfort to close ranks and continue family traditions, supporting each other through tough times.
It's great that your Pa is on the road to recovery too xxx
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Grief
Aug 5, 2024 18:59:52 GMT
Post by bjd on Aug 5, 2024 18:59:52 GMT
I hope you continue living and enjoying life with your family, remembering your father-in-law happily.
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Grief
Aug 5, 2024 22:34:53 GMT
Post by mich64 on Aug 5, 2024 22:34:53 GMT
Thank you htmb, Cheery, bjd and Kerouac. With him in our hearts our tears will eventually turn to smiles when we think or speak of him. We will continue spending time together living and enjoying our families while remembering him and my dear sisters.
Kerouac, I am heartened by your words and happy that it brings you happiness and that you feel closer to them.
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Grief
Aug 6, 2024 9:11:17 GMT
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Post by whatagain on Aug 6, 2024 9:11:17 GMT
So sorry to hear about it.
These are difficult moments and you got so much to handle at the same moment. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.
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Grief
Aug 6, 2024 18:33:39 GMT
Post by bixaorellana on Aug 6, 2024 18:33:39 GMT
We have missed you too, dear Mich!
Your poor father and mother. You and your brother did what had to be done, but I imagine you're both pretty exhausted by now.
Thank you for letting us know how you're doing and thank you for being such a lovely example of how a person can be brave and positive even in the face of loss and difficult times.
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Grief
Aug 6, 2024 20:16:44 GMT
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Post by mich64 on Aug 6, 2024 20:16:44 GMT
Thank you whatagain and Bixa!
My brother and I have always been very close (we are 13 months apart in age) and along with our amazing spouses we are operating as a team. Dividing up everyone’s appointments and caring for our mom while giving each other time to rest. We also each have in-law’s needing assistance as well as none are driving any longer. We love them all so much and are trying our bests to navigate them through these challenges and health crises . Our sister comes about once a month to help out where she can as well.
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Grief
Aug 16, 2024 12:35:34 GMT
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Post by Kimby on Aug 16, 2024 12:35:34 GMT
Here’s some advice on how to help someone who is grieving. Copied from Facebook but still valid:
Grief Groceries! I saw this letter today- as a funeral directors son, I have been around this for years. This is some of the best advice I have ever seen.
“Grief is a funny thing. It’s the time in our life when we most need help, and also the time when asking for help is so hard. Not because we are ashamed to ask for help, although that happens sometimes too. But mostly because our brain just sort of shuts down.
When my Dad died, I looked functional. But I wasn’t OK. Not at all. And when the news got out, the ton of people flooding me with calls, texts, and DM’s was overwhelming. I really couldn’t function. I sat on the swing in our yard and just stared into space. People called and asked what they could do to help. I had no idea.
“Well, anything you need at all, let me know, OK?”
“OK”.
They hung up. I stared into space some more.
I had no idea what to do. What I needed. I didn’t even know what to ask for.
Then a friend sent a text. This friend had met Dad once but didn’t really know him. But still, she knew I was hurting. I saw who it was and almost put the phone down without reading the text, but I saw the message and it stopped me:
Will you be home at 8:30 tonight?
What’s weird is this friend lives 12 hours away from me.
Yes, I replied.
“K.”
10 minutes later, she said, “Instacart will be there at 8:30. Open the door for them.”
“What?”
“Grief Groceries.!!”
When Instacart showed up, they put two large bags of groceries on my porch. Frozen pizzas. Ice cream. Oreo cookies. Tinned soup. Stouffer’s lasagna. A gallon of milk. Like that. Things I could heat up if I needed a meal, or pig out on if I needed fat and sugar. Sometimes, you just need to eat half a box of Oreos.
Notice she didn’t ask if I needed any food. I would have said no. She just asked if I would be home.
Grief groceries.
Another friend, who lives out of town, asked Renee to name a restaurant near our house where we like to eat. There is a local chain near our house that is sort of a deli. When we eat supper there, we spend about $25. Renee told her the name of the place.
An hour later, there was a gift card in my inbox for $250. Yes, that is a lot of money, and I understand not everyone can do that. But the wonderful thing was that because it was enough for multiple meals, we didn’t try to save it for “the right time”. We ate there that night, and take out from there several times a week for the next month on nights when I just didn’t have the spoons to cook.
Both of those gift-givers knew something I didn’t know – that when you are grieving, you don’t want to make decisions. No, that’s not quite it: You can’t make decisions. You hit decision fatigue really fast.
So, I guess what I’m saying is, don’t ask grieving people to make big choices or decisions. “How can I help” is a big choice. But “Can I take the kids this afternoon so you can have some time to yourself” is a much smaller one. “Will you be home tonight?” is a small choice. “What restaurant do you like” is a small decision. Just showing up to cut their grass because you noticed it needed cutting is loads better than asking, “Do you want me to cut the grass?” Or, “I’m going to Target. What can I get you while I’m there?” is better than “Can I run any errands for you?”
It won’t always be like this. If you stick around, eventually they will surface and ways to be helpful will make themselves known. But in the first few days, especially, it helps to remove as many decisions from their plate as you can!”
Original Words from: Hugh Hollowell Jr.
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